Regrets

Chapter 20 Lily #2

"I don't know," I replied doubtfully. "I don't think your friendship with him makes much sense. You should be more careful with him."

"Relax, Lily. You're always so boring and always doing things the easy way. Everything's fine, I've got him under control."

I was surprised by how suddenly she became defensive. Brandy was definitely hiding something. "And what about my brother?"

Our milkshakes arrived, and Brandy focused on hers, taking a big sip and then leaning back on her chair.

I took the opportunity to observe everything around me, how the same customers were coming, how this place had the same aroma I remembered, how everything came back to me as if I had never grown up.

These were the small details that shocked me the most about returning to the past: how everything felt so familiar.

I couldn't believe that at some point, everything was going to fall apart until I was a stranger in my own body.

"What's wrong with him?" Brandy finally asked.

"Is everything okay between you two?"

"Of course it is. Why shouldn't it be?" Her tone remained defensive, as if she felt I was accusing her of something.

"I don't know. Since you mentioned Oliver, I thought..."

"I'm more in love with your brother than ever," she interrupted me. "He's the sweetest, most thoughtful, and most caring man in the world. I wouldn't be surprised if he asked me to marry him when we graduate. He's the best boyfriend in the world."

So my brother did love Brandy, and everything was fine between them.

It must have been a huge shock for Brandy when the video of the party got out.

I remembered how devastated she was, her mascara-streaked face as she screamed at Leo in the school hallway.

How quickly her love had turned to disgust and shame.

But I felt it was all an act, just like what she is doing now, pretending to be my friend.

"I'm glad to hear that you two are so in love," I lied, knowing that Brandy had never been to see my brother in prison in these ten years, even though he told me he had sent her letters to apologize to her.

I know she is a fake person somehow, but I just don't know at what level.

"Okay, let's stop talking about me; let's get back to you. Tell me about Kyle," she replied.

"I think being together all the time has made us realize that maybe we were going too fast with everything," I lied. I didn't want her to think I brought her to the cafeteria to question her. Especially when in the past we used to talk about everything.

It's hard to act like someone you're not anymore just so the people around you feel like you're still the same person, especially when you don't even know who you are.

I decided to extend our conversation to address how I've been focused on many other things, like college and my family, so she would believe my whole story.

And by doing it, I came up with a good way to approach my brother.

Maybe Brandy wasn't very useful today with the information I needed, but I found a way to continue with my plan.

The more I thought about what happened ten years ago, the more I realized how little I truly knew about the events that led to that fateful night.

I'd spent years believing one version of the story—That Jeremy had a fight with my brother that made Oliver take action and record a video, that Oliver then spread that video, and that then, because of Oliver, everyone started bullying my brother for something that he had no control over or fault of his own.

But what if there were pieces I was missing? What if the narrative I'd built in my head wasn't the complete truth?

That's the problem with being in the dark for so long.

You construct a reality based on fragments, on whispers and assumptions, and you accept it as fact because the alternative is to admit you know nothing at all.

And that was incredibly terrifying. I didn't want to feel like I had made an enemy out of someone who wasn't really to blame for anything.

I'd never considered that Brandy might have known about the video before it went public, as Kyle told me.

I'd never questioned her role in all of this beyond being the heartbroken girlfriend who cut ties with us.

But now, seeds of doubt were taking root.

Her casual dismissal of Oliver, her supposed control over him.

It painted a different picture than the one I'd thought about for ten years.

And if I was wrong about that, what else might I be wrong about?

That same afternoon, I arrived home and ran straight to Leo's room. He was at his desk with his headphones, doing his homework, so he didn't even notice I was there until I lunged at him.

"Tell me, Lily, what brings you here now?" he said, taking off his headphones and stretching, as if he'd been concentrating for a long time. I sat down on the bed, and he turned his chair toward me to give me his full attention.

"I have something important to discuss with you," I said. "It's about Kyle."

He looked at me strangely. Up until that moment, I had never spoken to him about Kyle, at least not in this timeline. "From what I've heard in the halls and seen, it seems there was a fight brewing between you two."

I looked at him, wide-eyed. "Why is everyone saying this?"

"That's what it looks like. I know you, Lily.

You used to talk all the time about the good things he did, and you used to make plans with him all the time.

He used to come here on the weekends. But you've been trying to spend time with me for two Saturdays, not with him.

You don't go out, you don't see each other at school anymore. "

I'd thought I was being subtle, that my distance from Kyle wouldn't be so obvious to everyone around us.

But apparently, our relationship (or lack thereof) was the subject of school gossip.

"Maybe I have been busy or wanted to spend time with other people.

That doesn't mean I don't want to be with him. "

"Nah, you never want to spend time with other people. You keep all the boys away from you but him. You're like a sun, giving everyone warmth, not letting them get close because you could burn. But Kyle seemed immune to that barrier, and he penetrated it like nothing. Until now."

I remained silent for a moment, trying to process my brother's words.

Was that how people saw me? A sun that keeps people at a distance?

It was strange to hear my teenage brother articulate something about me that I hadn't fully recognized in myself until I was much older.

It made me wonder how much I'd underestimated him back then, how much I might still be underestimating him now.

It felt weird hearing my Leo put into words something I hadn’t even realized about myself until years later.

I always thought the walls I built after everything fell apart were new, just something I threw up to protect myself.

But maybe they’d been there all along, even back when I was seventeen and believed I was open and trusting.

I always saw myself as someone who completely changed overnight. But it seems like all the characteristics that make up my adult personality have always been there, in one way or another.

Maybe I'd always been someone who kept people at arm's length.

Maybe losing Kyle and Leo hadn't created my isolation; it had just given me an excuse to perfect it.

It made me wonder how much else I'd gotten wrong about myself, how many of my adult struggles had roots in the person I'd been before tragedy reshaped me.

But the best thing I could do now was use his observation to introduce the conversation I actually wanted to have.

"Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." I confessed, "I don't think I trust Kyle as much as I should, and that's affecting our relationship."

This was my plan. I was going to start telling Leo about my personal things on a sentimental level to see if he would open up to me in return.

Up until this point, we had only been talking about him and his days, and it was logical that he wouldn't confess anything to me about what was really going on in his love life if he didn't feel the same reciprocity from me.

By telling him about Kyle, I would make sure he felt like I trusted him with these kinds of things, even if what I was going to say to him wasn't entirely true.

Or was it?

I'd been so focused on manipulating this conversation, on using my relationship with Kyle as bait to get Leo to open up, that I hadn't stopped to examine whether what I was saying was actually a lie.

I didn't want to think that my feelings for him had returned because I wasn't ready to forgive him yet.

So I tried to focus on my conversation with Leo, not on what I was really feeling.

"Why do you feel like you can't trust him?" Leo asked, pulling me back to the conversation.

"I don't really know. I feel like he's not someone I could count on if a problem arose." This part was true; it was one of the reasons we broke up back then. Only the problem hadn't happened yet.

Here I was, plotting to get my brother to open up to me while deliberately keeping my own secrets. What kind of sister did that make me?

But it was for his own good, I reminded myself. To save him from ten years in prison. To give him the life he deserved. Sometimes the ends justified the means.

"Well, Lily, trust is one of the main pillars of a relationship. If you feel like you can't trust him, then you're destined to fail."

I studied my brother's face as he spoke.

There was a maturity there I hadn't appreciated until now. The older Leo had grown wise through pain, through years of loneliness and too much time to think. But this Leo was different. His wisdom didn’t come from suffering.

It came from the way he noticed things, the way he cared about people, and the way he paid attention in a way most teenage boys never did.

"You're right," I said. "I think that's why I'm so hesitant. But how do you know when someone is trustworthy? How can you ever be sure?"

"You can't. That's what makes trust so difficult. It's a leap of faith. You give someone the power to hurt you and hope they don't use it."

His words hit uncomfortably close to home. Wasn't that exactly what had happened between Kyle and me? I'd trusted him with my heart, and he'd used that power to hurt me in the worst possible way.

I didn’t want to think it, but it was clear that Kyle hadn’t tried to hurt me now that I’m old enough to understand the situation better.

He had been scared and overwhelmed, caught in an impossible situation where someone he cared about was gone, and another person was being blamed.

He made the wrong choice, but it came from fear, not cruelty.

That did not make the pain any softer. But maybe it made it a little easier to forgive.

"But what if they do?" I asked quietly. "What if they hurt you?"

"You learn from it. You pick yourself up and decide whether to try again with someone else." He paused. "Or with the same person, if you think they've changed."

The way he said that last part made me wonder if he was talking about more than just my relationship with Kyle. Was he thinking about someone specific? Someone who'd hurt him or might hurt him? Or someone he was afraid to trust with his real feelings?

"When did you get so wise about relationships?"

"I read a lot," he said with a shrug. "And I think a lot. Plus, being with Brandy has taught me some things."

"Who would have thought you're so mature on the subject for your age?"

"Well, I know a little about the subject, I suppose."

And then I took advantage and asked, "Do you trust Brandy completely? Is that what makes your relationship so stable? That you tell each other everything?"

He remained silent for a few minutes, doubtful. "I think so, but we don't tell each other everything."

"Oh no?" I asked, trying to keep my voice light and curious rather than pressing. "And what secrets could you possibly have that she couldn't know?"

I held my breath, hoping, praying that this would be the moment he'd open up to me.

Maybe he already knew Jeremy was secretly in love with him and was just playing dumb.

Maybe he didn't want more people to find out because he’d feel compelled to reject him.

Or maybe he didn't want to acknowledge it because he didn't want to lose his best friend.

"I can't think of anything at the moment," he said, turning his chair back to his desk and putting his headphones back on. "My break is over. Close the door when you leave."

I was disappointed by his abrupt end to the conversation. He still hesitated to open up to me. But what if there was nothing to confess to me?

I slowly stood up, feeling defeated. It was time to see how much progress Kyle had really made on his side with Jeremy and make some changes in our plan before it was too late. If we can't get Jer to realize his feelings before the party, we'll have to prevent him from going at all.

I'd come back to fix the past, to save my brother and prevent a tragedy. But what if, in doing so, I stumbled upon a truth I wasn't prepared to face? What if the story I'd believed for ten years, the narrative I'd built my whole life around, was wrong?