Chapter 26 #2
We settled into our seats, and our knees bumped under the small table, but neither of us moved away. It was such a small thing, but I was hyperaware of it, of how he started moving his left leg as if he was nervous, of how easy it would be to lean forward and close the distance between us.
"Do you remember what happened with the DJ when we were here the real first time?" He murmured, pointing at the guy who was playing music.
"How could I forget? He drank so much he started playing Disney music," I replied, the memory making me smile despite myself.
"And you stood up during one of the songs because you knew the choreography."
"Oh my god, don't remind me of that. You were so embarrassed that you tried your best to sit me down."
I could still picture his mortified face as I'd enthusiastically acted out parts of "Bop To The Top" while other people watched in amusement. At eighteen, he'd been so concerned with what strangers thought, so worried about appearing cool and mature.
"If I could really go back to that time, I'd do a lot of things differently," he replied, his tone growing serious. "Like standing up with you and dancing. When we're young, we worry so much about stupid things, like making fools of ourselves in a place where no one is even paying attention to us."
His words stirred something in my chest. The Kyle I'd known back then had been more reserved, more concerned with his image. This version of him seemed lighter somehow, less burdened by other people's opinions.
"What else would you change?" I asked him, knowing so well I wasn’t prepared to hear anything else he could say.
"I would have loved you the way you deserved."
His response was so quick and natural that it almost seemed like he knew I was going to ask that at some point during the night, and part of me was expecting it too. "Why do you think I deserved more than what you once gave me?"
"Because I took a lot of things for granted the first time, believing you'd always be there no matter what. But now I know that no matter how much love there is in a relationship, people can walk away. And sometimes they should, when the other person isn't giving them what they need."
His honesty was disarming. I'd expected deflection, maybe some romantic gesture to avoid the deeper conversation. Instead, he was laying his regrets bare.
I know I should change the subject, that I should find a way to not ruin the night with promises we knew we couldn't keep, but part of me was eager to know why, despite all the things I've done to push him out of my life, he was still here trying.
"And why do you think things would be different this time? "
"Because this time I wouldn't let you leave without giving my best."
I remained quiet, processing his words. Part of me wanted to believe him, wanted to think that people could really change, that second chances weren't just fairy tales that we told ourselves to feel better about our mistakes.
But another part of me, the one that has been hurt and abandoned, whispered warnings I couldn’t ignore. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I don't need a response right now, Lily. Just give me a chance to prove it to you."
"How?"
"By not pushing me away. If there is a little chance that you still love me, let me be yours."
I wanted to tell him yes. That I wanted it too, these weeks with him had awakened something inside me again that I’d thought was dead.
And no matter how hard I tried to suppress it, to convince myself it was just nostalgia or proximity or the surreal nature of our situation, the feeling kept growing. And it felt so good to feel loved.
But I was terrified, no longer because I thought he would harm me, but because I didn't know if he was feeling all this because he had a version of me in his head that no longer existed.
"Do you know what I think about your feelings?" I said, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible, but no matter how much I tried, I sounded sad.
He looked at me, amused. “Go ahead, enlighten me.”
"You're missing a version of me that no longer exists.
You see my face now, and you think I'm the same Lily you loved, but that person is gone.
You can't expect to leave for ten years and come back to pick up everything where you left it.
You moved on, and the rest of the world did too.
I think you're confused, and you don't love me anymore, you're just trapped here with me and. .."
And I just couldn't let him come back into my life only to leave again when he realized I wasn't the Lily he'd fallen in love with. I couldn't bear to lose him a second time because of my actions.
He took my hand, and I let him. His fingers slipped between mine, holding on like he wanted me to know he wouldn’t let go, even if I told him it was a bad idea to fall for me.
"Why is it so hard to believe that I never forgot about you? Why do you think I can't be capable of loving every version of you?"
"Because people don't work that way. People change and grow apart, and—"
"Lily, what I loved about you wasn't just one part of you; it was the whole you. The sunshine Lily, the stressed Lily, the indecisive Lily."
He paused, his thumb tracing patterns on my palm that were making it very hard to concentrate on being afraid.
"Seeing you again at the office made me realize something," he continued.
"The Lily who exists now is someone I want to know too.
Because she's still you, you might have new scars, new walls, new ways of protecting yourself.
But underneath all that, you're still the person I fell in love with. Still the person worth fighting for."
"And what if you don't like her? What if you get to know this version of me and you realize she's too damaged, too closed off, too different from what you remember?"
Because that possibility was there, and there was too much chance that he would get to know me and realize that I'm not the person he thought I was.
Sometimes we cling to a memory just because we want to feel the same way we once felt, without realizing that certain moments only happen once in a lifetime.
But he was so sure of himself that it made me doubt. Was it really possible that there was an alternative ending where I could be happy?
"That's not possible," he said with such certainty that it made my chest ache. "Because it doesn't matter what things you change about yourself, Lily. At the end of the day, it will always be you. And I've never stopped wanting you."
And that was the problem. That I was me.
And I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved the way he did.
I didn't know what to say to that. Didn't know how to respond to someone looking at me like I hung the moon, like all my broken pieces were just part of what made me beautiful.
"We're in such a difficult situation right now that I can't believe I could ever be happy again. "
"I know words won't change your mind, so I'll find a way to prove it to you with actions," was all he said.
We remained silent for a moment as he squeezed my hand, letting me feel his presence, solid and real, on the other side of the table. Then he stood up and extended his hand, smiling gently.
"What?" I said, looking up at him.
"I owe you a dance, right? This is the perfect song to redeem myself."
Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding was playing, a song that was extremely popular everywhere this year. I took his hand, and together we stood in a dimly lit area of the beach, where a few other couples were swaying to the music.
His arm slid around my waist, pulling me close, and my breath hitched at the sudden proximity.
We'd been close before, in the break room at the hospital and in my bedroom, but this felt different.
More deliberate. More intimate. Like we were finally acknowledging what had been building between us all these weeks.
I rested one hand on his shoulder and let him take my other hand in his, our bodies moving together in a slow rhythm that had nothing to do with the beat of the song. We were creating our own tempo, our own world, right there on the sand.
"I want to know you again, Lily," he whispered, lowering his mouth to my ear.
His breath was warm against my skin, sending shivers down my spine despite the balmy evening air.
"Everything about you. What makes you laugh now, what makes you cry, if you're still afraid of spiders, if you still play classical music when you can't sleep.
Let me be the one to decide if you're worth it, not your fears. "
His words wrapped around me like a promise, like a vow, like something precious and fragile that I was afraid to hold too tightly.
"Many things may have changed since we stopped seeing each other," he continued, his voice low and intimate in my ears. "But something I'm sure of is that I would love every version of you, no matter what."
I tilted my head back to look at him, and the expression on his face made my heart melt.
He was looking at me like I was something miraculous, something worth cherishing, something he'd been searching for and finally found again.
He was the only person who had ever looked at me with that kind of intensity.
And after all these years, I could feel it again, the feeling of being seen like I was the only one who mattered.
"I want to be your first kiss, Lily. Every time we have to start over, in every timeline, in every world where we find each other, I want it to be me always. Please don't take that away from me."
“Kyle…”
“Don't answer me now. I want you to truly mean your words when you do it, not out of obligation or because you feel pressured by me right now.”
I nodded as I rested my head on his chest again, and we both continued moving to the rhythm of the music that enveloped us, this time in silence.
It had been the perfect night, but I still couldn't help wondering if there would be a happy ending for me, too, after all this.
Did I really deserve it?