Chapter 27 #2
"I don't know why this is so important to you, but sure. Anything that keeps you from having a meltdown, pretty boy."
Part of me wanted to be relieved that Jeremy wanted to check in with me before he did something crazy.
Still, something inside me wasn't comfortable with the idea of him having such an unpredictable alibi that day.
Sure, he had things to do, but that didn't mean something couldn't change.
Plans fell through. People changed their minds.
And I had no way of knowing if these were the same plans he'd had in the original timeline or if we'd already altered things in ways I couldn't predict.
The next few days passed in a blur of nervous energy and forced normalcy.
I tried to spend more time with my friends so they wouldn't feel weird about me anymore.
I tried to laugh a little more in class and, in general, to stay close to Lily as much as possible in the school hallways or on our breaks at the hospital.
She was letting me be more in her life, and I was grateful for any opportunity she gave me to be there.
By Friday night, I was barely holding it together. Every nerve in my body was screaming with tension, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep even if I tried.
After forcing down dinner with my family, my parents ate in tense silence while Aria chatted nervously to fill the void.
I excused myself and went to my room. I tried to do homework, to distract myself with calculus problems and history reading, but the words swam on the page without penetrating my brain.
At some point, without consciously deciding to, I found myself pulling on my shoes, opening my window, and escaping, as if my house were the problem and not my uncontrollable thoughts.
I started walking with no particular destination in mind, or at least, that's what I told myself.
But my feet knew where I was going even before my mind admitted it.
The truth was, I just needed to see Lily.
To be near her. To feel the calm that only came when she was close.
From the moment we had our date on the beach, she'd become my anchor in all this chaos.
When everything felt overwhelming, when the weight of what we were trying to accomplish threatened to crush me, just being near her made it all seem manageable somehow.
I've always tried to act strong and like I have everything under control in front of her so she can be at peace and calm, and I think that by doing so, I've also believed that I am.
But right now, with everything still out of our control, things seemed to be getting out of hand. I just hoped both Jeremy and Leo could trust us enough to talk to us before they act impulsively.
Lily opened the window before I could even knock, as if she'd been waiting for me.
"Be careful, Kyle," she said softly as I climbed through. "If I get used to you coming into my room at night, I won't know when I'm in real danger."
"How are you so sure I'm not the real danger?" I asked, settling onto her floor.
"Because when it comes to you, I'm the one who's dangerous."
I laughed at her joke; there was no way she could be the danger between us. Especially not right now. The way she looked at me in the dim light of her room, the way her voice dropped to that intimate whisper, it was doing things to my self-control that I wasn't prepared for.
We sat on the floor with our backs against her bed, our shoulders touching.
The contact was minimal, innocent, but it sent electricity through my entire body.
I could smell her shampoo, could feel the warmth radiating from her skin, and it took everything in me not to turn and kiss her right then and there.
But I'd made myself a promise. I wouldn't make another move until she asked me to. I needed to be sure she wanted this, wanted me, not just getting caught up in the intensity of our situation.
"Is that a warning?"
"Maybe," she said, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"I want to make sure we're on the same page about tomorrow's plan," I said, though we both knew that wasn't the reason.
"I thought we were clear after reviewing it ten times this week," she replied with a half-smile. "I made plans with my family to be as far away from the party as possible, while you will try to keep Jeremy as busy as possible. What more do we need?"
"Ummm... nothing, I think we are good then." I looked up at the ceiling, as if it was going to give me the next question I could ask Lily. I didn't have a specific reason to be here tonight; I just didn't want to be alone.
"Are you sure you want to go to the party?"
I had told Lily that I had plans to go to Oliver's house on Saturday. I didn't want to hide anything from her anymore about what was going on in my life, and I wanted her to be able to trust that I would keep everything under control, no matter what.
"Yes, totally sure," I replied. And it was true. Despite everything that could happen, my presence at Oliver’s house was the best way to make sure that neither Jeremy nor Leo went without me noticing.
Besides, I didn't want to keep letting my friends down.
I understood Lily's concern about not being able to control Jeremy's actions if I wasn't by his side, but it was the only thing I could do for the time being if he didn't want me around that day.
"Are you as nervous as I am?" she asked quietly.
"A little, yes."
To my surprise, she reached over and took my hand, threading our fingers together. The gesture was so unexpected, so tender, that it nearly undid me completely. Her hand was smaller than mine, softer, and the way she held on like I was her lifeline made my chest tight with emotion.
"I still can't watch horror movies alone," she confessed, and I loved knowing how saying random facts about us was our thing now when there was nothing else to say. It made me feel like she cared about getting to know me, even though she didn’t want to admit it.
"Even though I'm technically twenty-eight and should be over it by now.
I tried once last year and ended up sleeping with all the lights on. "
"I can cook pretty well now," I replied. "Nothing outrageously extravagant, but enough to keep me from starving."
"I'd love to try your cooking."
"No, you wouldn't like it."
She laughed briefly, but then became serious again. "Do what you can tomorrow," she whispered, "But don't feel like the entire burden of what happens falls on you. Whatever happens... I promise I won't blame you this time."
I hesitated, staring at our intertwined hands.
"It's not just about tomorrow," I admitted.
"It's my parents. I keep trying to fix them, every word they say, every argument that starts.
I thought that if I could just... do things differently this time, maybe they'd finally work out.
But nothing changes. No matter what I do, they still look at each other like strangers waiting for the right excuse to leave. "
Lily stayed quiet for a moment. When she spoke, her voice was soft but certain. "You can't rebuild a bridge if the people on both sides have already stopped walking toward each other."
I frowned slightly, and she turned to face me.
"Sometimes," she continued, "we waste years trying to fix things that were never ours to fix.
Parents. Friends. People we love. We think if we love them enough, if we hold them tightly enough, we can stop them from breaking.
But people don't heal through control, Kyle.
They heal through choice. And sometimes, their choice is to walk away. "
I wanted to believe her, but the thought of doing nothing, of watching everything fall apart again, hurt. "So what am I supposed to do then? Just watch them ruin everything?"
Her gaze softened. "No. Be there. That's all. Be the one person who doesn't pick a side, who doesn't add more noise. You can't make them stay, but you can remind them what kindness looks like when everything else feels like war."
Her words settled over me like a quiet truth I'd known all along but never wanted to face. "I guess I just thought… if I tried harder, things would be different this time.
"You tried," she said. "That's already more than most people ever do. But at some point, you have to stop trying to save people from their own choices, and start saving yourself from drowning with them."
And that was exactly what Aria and I were doing right now, drowning with them because we couldn't accept that they were so bad. Maybe the answer was not keeping the peace in the house, but letting they know their mess was also affecting us.
I looked at her, really looked, and realized that she wasn't just talking about my parents. She was talking about herself, too. About all the things we both wished we could undo.
I squeezed her hand gently. "You sound like you've done this before."
She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "Maybe I have."
"I won't let you down," I whispered, meaning it with every fiber of my being. "Tomorrow, or ever again. I promise." I wish this promise were within my control, but we both knew it wasn't just up to us.
"Just promise me one more thing." She replied.
"What?"
"That you'll stop carrying pain that was never meant to be yours."
"I don't know if that's possible. No matter how hard we try, we can never stop caring about other people's feelings, especially if those people matter to us. It's part of being human."
She thought about my words for a moment, then added, "This whole situation is so complicated that I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore."
"Then let’s not think about it anymore."
We sat like that for a long time, wrapped in each other and the silence, neither of us wanting to break the spell. Tomorrow would bring whatever it would bring. But tonight, right now, we had this.
"Stay?" she asked softly, and I heard the question behind the question: Don't leave me alone with my fears tonight.
"As long as you need me," I replied, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
Forever, if you'll let me, I thought but didn't say.