Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The silence in the dim Captain’s quarters is heavy, filled with loss and grief, and loneliness.
There have only been two other times in my life I felt this way.
The first was when we were told to let go of my mother, the second when I was unworthy.
Both will remain etched in my memory, with their newest companion, the moment I walked alone into Weston’s room after saying goodbye to my entire new life.
My gaze stays trained on the floorboards as I shuffle inside, shutting the door firmly behind me. I can’t bring myself to look up, to take in the details of a place that has become so familiar to me, so comforting. This will be one of the last times I see it.
I float through the room, feeling as if I’m no longer in my body. It’s like I’m watching every step I take from somewhere else, the numbness from too much emotion finally overtaking me.
Sig and Jorn are just down the hall, having left before I hurried away to avoid watching two people I love disappear.
I know if I truly needed them, they would be there for me, but I refuse to bother them, not for a loneliness that I used to live with every day.
Tonight is their last night in Dawnlin too, and possibly their last night together, before duty and tradition rip them apart.
Like it might take Weston away from me.
I can barely process the thought before it slips from my mind again, pushed out by the suffocating loneliness that is punctuated by the absence of noise from the crew.
The first night I spent on this ship, when I was locked in the brig, I felt alone.
I was ripped away from the Voyagers, from a man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me.
But I was never alone. From the moment I stepped onto this island, Weston has been there, making sure I was never harmed, but not interfering with any of my decisions.
He traipsed through the jungle, followed me into the deadly lagoon, breathed life back into me, broke the door down after hearing me scream from nightmares.
But he’s not here now, and even though I know he is coming back, it doesn’t feel that way. The crew is gone. The Voyagers are gone. Fin is gone. The island is empty, and our hopes of the healing waters are dashed.
It’s too much to bear.
I pad over to the bathtub, my feet and hands moving as if on their own as I reach out and turn the knob, making the water as hot as it will go.
I strip my clothes off and wait for it to fill before easing myself over the side and lowering my body into the steaming water.
Knees bent, I rest my cheek on them, my eyes falling closed as I let the burn from the heat distract me from the aching pit in my chest.
Every time my mind tries to wander, cycling through the possibilities, the worries, the conversations and arguments that might befall me the moment I step back onto the castle grounds, I push them away.
I have no idea what will meet us when we return home, but my training and nerves want to take control and prepare me for the worst possibilities, despite each new scenario winding me tighter and tighter.
The heat does nothing to relax my tense muscles as I sit in the water, my gaze fixed on the wall.
I don’t move, barely breathing the shallow breaths this position will allow me, until the water turns cold and I fill it up again.
This time, I force myself to move, washing the day away before sliding into Weston’s shirt and crossing the room to the bed.
Climbing in, my body curls into itself, surrounded by the sheets and the scent of Weston.
I inhale deeply, hoping to find comfort, but it only brings a prick of tears to my eyes.
I don’t know how long he will be gone. The way time passes in our world compared to here is unknown, so it could be hours, or it could be days.
Fin never talked about where he lived in relation to the fountain, or if it would take a while to travel. I don’t want to be alone for that long.
Actual tears come then, and I can’t hold them back any longer.
I close my eyes, letting them leak from the corners, dampening the pillow beneath my head as I pull the bedding tightly around me.
I never thought being able to return home would feel like this.
I don’t know how something that I wanted so badly can hurt this much.
I must have fallen asleep because the press of a kiss to my temple wakes me.
I startle from where I lie completely wrapped in blankets, and blink my eyes open to find Weston, hands pressed down into the mattress as he hovers over the edge of the bed.
His smile is filled with sorrow, and his damp hair falls over his forehead as he leans in, watching me sleep.
The room is still dim, but early morning light peeks through the windows.
Without a word, I lift the blankets, and he slides in beside me, leaning back against the pillows and shifting me so I’m tucked into his side.
Pulling them back over my shoulder, I wrap my arm around his torso and squeeze him tight against me.
“Fin is home safe,” he whispers, and the ache in my chest I thought would disappear with sleep is back in an instant. “He’s in Grebar, and lives very close to the fountain, so it didn’t take long to find his family. His parents were relieved and thankful to see him. They thought he was dead.”
A sob escapes my throat, and I press my face into his skin, letting the heat comfort me. He wraps his arm around me tighter, and his fingertips brush my scalp, running through my waves and back again.
“I’ll remember where it is if you ever want to go.”
I nod quickly but say nothing. I don’t have to. He already knows.
“I’m glad you got some sleep.”
“Barely,” I croak, and his chest rises and falls under my cheek with a sigh.
“Today was…a lot. It’s alright to feel this way.”
“But tomorrow is going to be worse.”
He pauses. “Why would tomorrow be worse?” I can hear the confusion in his voice, and I realize he hasn’t had the time like I have to lie here, thinking about every single way tomorrow could go wrong, about every possibility that would break me more than today did.
I push myself up so I can look at him to find he’s already watching me, his brows drawn together.
“Because we have nothing figured out. We didn’t think this was ever going to happen, not after the dust was gone. We have talked nothing through.”
His brow smoothes out, and his quiet composure returns. “Then let’s talk now.”
“How can you be so calm about this?”
He shrugs slightly. “Because I’m not worried.”
“How can you say that, Weston?” I say, my voice rising to reflect the panic churning inside me.
His arm falls away from my back as I sit on my heels.
“How are you not worried about what will happen when we go home? What are we going to tell my father? What are we going to tell your father? How are we going to explain to everyone who you are, or where you’ve been, or why you still look like you do? ”
“Lennox, the people who need to know, already know. And the rest don’t need an explanation.”
“Sure. Fine. Alright. Ignore that part. Because no one is going to notice that the First Guard hasn’t aged a day in twenty years. What about the rest? My father doesn’t even speak to me, and I’m just supposed to walk back into the castle and say, ‘Guess what? I’m fucking your best friend?’”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t say it that way. It probably wouldn’t go over well,” he says flatly, and I let out a frustrated groan.
“Weston, we have no plan!”
My chest heaves, and my fists clench as I can’t hide the panic any longer. More tears form a lump in my throat as I try to hold them back. I can only imagine how I look after hours of crying, now to be panic-stricken and raving on my knees before him.
But if he sees it, he doesn’t acknowledge it. He just shifts to his knees, walking forward until they press into either side of mine, caging me in and grounding me with his touch. His hands find my face, and he leans forward, pressing his forehead to mine.
“Breathe.” His thumbs stroke my cheeks as he breathes in deeply, then lets the air out slowly, urging me to follow his command.
But I can’t. My chest stutters with shallow breaths, and my fingertips tingle with numbness.
The edges of the room blur and darken, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hold everything back as this overwhelming sense of helplessness and dread threatens to control me.
“Lennox, look at me.”
I pry my eyes open and meet his, finding only love, and no judgment for my inability to control everything I am feeling. It makes the tears want to fall harder.
“Breathe.”
I inhale through pursed lips, and my chest quakes as I do.
“Again.” He pulls back slightly, his eyes never leaving mine as I do as he says. The tingling in my fingers subsides, but it still feels like my chest is in knots.
“It will all be fine,” he says, nodding as I take another deep breath. “I have a plan.”
I blink at him rapidly. “But you didn’t talk to me about it,” I squeak.
He shakes his head. “I didn’t need to because you aren’t part of it.”
I pull back slightly, my jaw falling open as his lips tip up at the corners when he registers my surprise.
“Let me explain. Once we are back in the castle, and once my father and your father know we are home, I’m going to be honest with my best friend.
” He pauses, and I wait with bated breath, not knowing how this would be any different from my crude example of how to admit our relationship to my father.