Chapter 32 #2
“I will never let you do anything else alone. Until the breath stills in my lungs, remember?” His voice is strong and insistent in the dark, and I know the exact look I would see in his eyes if I could.
“I remember.”
“Good.” He sets my hand on the mattress and rises before leaning over and brushing his lips over mine with another barely there touch. “Go back to sleep, my queen.”
He steps away from the bed and crosses the room back toward the hearth, and the panicked feeling from before he returned comes back in full force.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not leaving, sweetheart.”
“Then where are you going? You said there isn’t another threat, so you need to sleep too.”
“I will.” He lowers himself onto the chaise lounge and crosses his ankles in front of him. The glow from the fire outlines his body as he sinks back into the cushions and faces the door.
I stare at him across the room, and it’s as if the weight of the entire day and the reality of what the future could be crush me where I lie.
Weston has never intentionally harmed me.
Instead he has done everything possible to ensure my well being and keep me safe, even back when I thought it was all an act.
But this hurts.
Watching him sleep across the room, after losing so many people I care about, feels like rejection. It feels like losing him too. Could my title or finally being back in Blackwood really change the way things are between us so drastically from what they were mere days ago?
My chest feels hollow as tears stream down my cheeks, but I hold my breath, trying to keep him from hearing my cries.
I can’t turn away. Between the pillows propped beneath me and the pain tonic that hasn’t fully taken effect yet, all I can do is close my eyes and try not to let my thoughts spiral.
The burning in my lungs from trying to hide the sound makes it impossible to do it any longer, and the swollen sniffling catches his attention.
His boots pound across the room, and he’s at my side again in barely a moment.
“Hey, I’m here. What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?” He wipes the tears from my cheeks, though his touch is gentle, as if he’s trying not to jostle me.
“What happened? Did I…did I do something wrong?” I croak. My voice is still hoarse, but the tonic from the healers has finally started working, and the pain has all but disappeared.
“What do you mean?” he grumbles.
“I’ve slept next to you for months,” I murmur, “and now that we’re back in the castle, it’s just over?”
“That’s why you’re upset?” Guilt laces his voice, and his fingers press more firmly into my face.
“Of course, Weston! Today was the worst day of my life. I’ve lost my parents, my friends, my guard.
I’ve been thrust into a position that, for my whole life, I’ve been made to feel like I would never do well in, and now in the blink of an eye, the entire kingdom is my responsibility.
You’re all I have left, and I’ve spent almost every moment with you since you took me off that beach, and now you don’t want to be near me? ”
My chest rises and falls with rapid breaths as I try and fail to squash down my feelings.
“No, Lennox, that is not at all how I feel. It’s killing me that I can’t touch you, not just because you’re the queen and I’m your guard, but because I don’t want to hurt you, not after everything you endured today. Don’t ever think that I want to be anywhere but at your side.”
The mattress dips as he leans closer, and his voice dips lower.
“In my attempt not to hurt you, I ended up hurting you in a different way. I’m sorry.
You have to know I never want to. But sweetheart, this isn’t my ship.
It’s not my bed. Like you just said, today was one I never want to relive ever again.
Not only was it the worst day of your life, but it was the worst of mine.
I watched you die once before, and this time, I didn’t think you were coming back to me.
“I am not strong enough to do it again, and all I want to do is hold on to you and never let you go. But I can’t, not around anyone else.
I already jeopardized enough back in that throne room today, but I didn’t give a fuck who saw.
I wasn’t going to let you die alone or in anyone else’s arms. You’re mine, and if those were our final moments, I wasn’t going to let duty and titles take them away from us.
“But they weren’t, thank the gods, and now, learning to navigate this together is going to be a challenge.
Things are going to be different from what they were.
They have to be. And after the day you had, I didn’t want to assume you wanted things to be just as they were when it was just you and me.
I didn’t want to overwhelm you or pressure you and especially didn’t want to do anything that could hurt you.
I should have asked. I’m sorry I didn’t.
But Lennox, never assume that anything has changed for me.
It never will. I swore it to you. I keep my word. ”
I sniffle again, wishing I could really see his face, and unable to form any coherent thoughts after everything his words made me feel.
He told me recently that he loved me like the men in my books, unconditionally and ardently, and I believe him.
It will never change. The trauma from the day overshadowed what I should never have questioned.
“Will you just lie with me?” I ask, my voice small. “Please?”
He leans over me again, barely a breath away, and the warmth of his words melts away the worry coiling inside of me. “Of course, my queen. There’s nowhere in this world or any other I would rather be.” Weston kisses me gently before standing and rounding the other side of the bed.
“No outdoor clothes,” I say into the darkness, and his low chuckle meets my ears.
“You must be feeling better. You’re getting more of that tonic in the morning.”
The sound of his belt being unbuckled rings through the quiet as he leans his sword against the bedside table. There’s a rustle of fabric as he steps out of his boots and tosses his clothes to the floor before lifting the sheet and sliding in beside me.
Warmth emanates from his bare skin as I scoot my body closer and feel the pillows shift as he tugs them toward the center so I can still rest the muscles in my neck.
The moment my body presses into his side, I let out a heavy breath, filled with all the worries and anxieties I have been holding in while he has been doing his duty as the First Guard.
He’s back, and I feel like I’m home, like we’re still on the ship, soaking in as much of each other as we can.
Turning to the side, I lay my head on his chest, ignoring any pain from the movement, and listen to the slow and steady beating of his heart.
Neither of us moves for a while, until Weston’s fingers find my hair and he slowly strokes it, further lulling me into a deeper calm.
“This wasn’t the new start at home I expected,” I whisper.
“It wasn’t for me either,” he answers, “but I still have you. You’re what I need.”
“Me too, Weston,” I say, and close my eyes, focusing on his rhythmic breathing, and the fact that I still can. “All I need is you.”