Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Raindrops patter against the windowpane as thunder rattles the glass before me.
The weather is fitting for a funeral, especially my father’s.
Weston wasn’t here as I dressed this morning, no doubt making sure all the preparations were complete before I even stepped foot out of this room.
It’s the first day since we landed back in Blackwood that anyone is actually leaving the castle grounds, and if I thought he was protective before, after my life was threatened at the literal hands of someone I knew, he might be insufferable now.
I stare through the water-speckled window out over the grounds, but can see nothing more than fog-filled trees and the castle wall. Cold seeps in through the seams, and I wrap my arms around myself to suppress a shiver.
I miss Dawnlin.
For more than just the beauty and weather.
Gently closing my eyes, I try to remember the feel of the warmth from the suns on my skin, the fragrant smell of the plants, and the crash of the waves. Anything. I’d welcome anything that could wash away the cold and dreariness in front of me now, even if only for a few moments.
We knew life would be different when we returned to Blackwood, but neither of us expected this.
Becoming queen was a distant future, one I knew was coming, but thought with as young as my father was when he became king, that I would live an entire life as a princess before I took the throne.
I would have time to adjust, time to speak to my father about making significant changes, and I would do so with Weston by my side.
I wasn’t expecting to be standing in a funeral gown, and finally being presented to the kingdom on the same day I have to bury my father. This wasn’t at all the way I thought the kingdom would finally see the princess, but today they will finally see me.
The door opens behind me, and I know the person walking through is Weston without looking.
My body knows it’s him. My skin tingles, now not just from the cold, but with an awareness of his proximity.
I keep my eyes fixed on the view and the rain, trying to steel myself against all the overwhelming emotions that are sure to surface today.
Weston’s steady footsteps echo through the room, and my body thrums with energy when he stops next to me, sliding his hand onto my lower back.
“Are you ready?” he murmurs.
My gaze stays transfixed on the view, and my stomach churns at the thought of leaving this room. “No. Are you?”
“No.”
I lean into his touch, and his hand slides across my back, wrapping around the opposite side of my waist and tucking me into his side.
“I never thought I would have to bury him,” he says, his voice barely a whisper.
“Not after an attack like that. I always thought I would die protecting him. It’s what I swore to do.
Every second of today is going to be a constant reminder of many things.
With every step, I’m going to be reminded that I failed him. ”
I shake my head. “You didn’t fail, Weston.
You fought. You fought for me, and he saw that.
You’re one man, one who was in chains. None of what happened falls on your shoulders.
It falls on Dane’s.” When he says nothing, I continue.
“He didn’t blame you. Instead, he shocked us both and encouraged you. ”
He lets out a sigh. “Doesn’t make it any easier.”
I turn toward him, tipping my chin up to look into his stoic face. “Well, then, let’s get it over with.”
The glint of shining metal catches my eye, and I look down, finding his First Guard uniform completely transformed. Armor similar to what Brynne wore so often covers his body, with the seal of Blackwood plainly in the center of his chest to match the polished golden band on his finger.
From the moment I met him, I knew he was strong and commanding, but this?
It takes my breath away. Even after knowing who he is and what position he holds for all this time, it isn’t until I see him, fully dressed, his gleaming sword at his side, ready to go into battle for me, that it finally sinks in.
Weston is just as integral to this kingdom as I am. Sworn to protect me, but promised to love me.
He’s mine, in duty and in heart, and all the ways that matter, even if it only ever stays between us.
“I have something for you.” His words jar me from my thoughts, and I pry my gaze away from his armor. He reaches behind him, pulling something from his belt before extending his hand to me.
My dagger.
Its whereabouts hadn’t crossed my mind once in the aftermath of everything.
After years of feeling secure and safe with it tucked into my waistband, then trying to get it back when I didn’t have it, in the last week, I hadn’t even missed it.
Not once. The man standing in front of me makes me feel safer than any blade ever could, but I’m still glad to have it back.
After everything it has helped me through, I can’t part with it, nor am I allowed to officially and traditionally now as the queen.
“Thank you.”
He flips the blade, so the hilt is extended toward me, and I take it, sliding it into the secret pocket of the dress that Tila ensured was there.
It will take getting used to not having it in my waistband whenever I am in a dress, which I suspect might have to be more often now.
Tila can get over it, because I know I’ll be in my training pants as much as I can.
“I figured you wanted it back. I didn’t want you thinking I took it away again.”
I chuckle softly. “Well, I don’t want to stab you with it this time.”
The corner of his lips tips up into a smirk. “Maybe I should have hidden it under my pillow and made you try to take it.” I shove him playfully, and his smile widens. “You’re required to have it anyway before we step foot outside.”
“Says who? I make the rules here.”
He leans forward, and there’s a low grumble in his throat. “Says me.” He presses a chaste kiss to my lips, and I roll my eyes.
“You’re going to be right there.”
His gaze falls, and the muscle in his cheek flickers. “I was right there last time too. I still couldn’t protect you.”
“So, this guilt you’re feeling isn’t just about my father, then?”
His throat bobs, but he ignores the question. “Do we need to go over the routes again?”
“No, we don’t.” I reach up and cup his cheek, forcing him to meet my eyes. “Weston. Everything will be fine. It’s a funeral, not a rowdy celebration.”
“Right, and anyone who is unhappy about the royal family could try to hurt you.”
“You know I can protect myself.”
“I know,” he grumbles, then pauses. “I just can’t let it happen again.”
My thumb brushes against his stubble, and he leans into my touch just ever so slightly. “You won’t.”
A few heartbeats pass in silence before he speaks again. “There’s something else.”
His hand dips into the pocket of his pants, and his clenched fist comes out slowly. When he turns it over, opening his fingers to show me what is inside, I choke on my breath.
“Weston,” I say warily. An entirely new set of emotions rises in my chest, all of them mingling together, making them difficult to identify. Panic? Fear? Excitement? Longing? My chest rises and falls rapidly as I snap my eyes to his, only to find him shaking his head.
“It’s not what you think.”
“What I think is that’s a ring, and you’re giving it to me. I don’t know what that means. I need you to explain.”
“Sweetheart, if I am ever fortunate enough to give you one of these, you’ll know exactly what it means.”
His hand falls from my waist and slides down the length of my arm until his fingers wrap around my wrist. Lifting my hand and turning my palm upward, he presses the ring into my skin, and I feel a twinge of disappointment.
“It’s your mother’s. The one Dane stole.” He closes my fingers around it, and the warm metal feels foreign pressed into my palm. “I thought you might want it.”
Swallowing down the lump forming in my throat, I stare at my closed hand as he wraps both of his hands firmly around it and presses a kiss to my fingers.
“I think she should have it,” I whisper. “Father would have wanted her to have it back.”
He nods slightly, and I ignore the squeeze in my chest as I let my tightly clasped fist fall.
Of the myriad of emotions I expected to feel today, what’s coursing through me right now wasn’t even close.
I push away the thoughts of what it would look like if this weren’t my mother’s.
So long ago I’d been so concerned about marriage alliances and meeting potential suitors from other kingdoms. I’d accepted it was likely I would not marry for love, but right now, all I can think, all I can feel, is how much I want a ring from the man that stands before me.
Clearing my throat breaks me out of the trance, and I’m no longer lost in my thoughts of what could be.
I start across the room and pause, just for a moment, to glance in the mirror and make sure I still look how I did when Tila left me.
The dress is an old one from my closet, but still fits.
The thick black fabric is fitting for the occasion and the weather.
Long, tight sleeves will keep the chill off my skin, even though the neckline plunges to be a little more revealing than when I wore it years ago.
Tila thought it might not be the best first impression to the kingdom, but I disagreed.
I wanted it to be revealing. I didn’t want to hide myself under layers of fabric and veils. I wanted my people to see their queen, complete with the ring of brownish yellow bruises that are slowly healing around my neck.
I want them to see what I endured; what I am willing to endure for them.
Burying my father. Fighting off an attacker. Surviving.
They don’t know me, so they have nothing to judge me by beyond what they see from this point forward. I want them to see someone who is strong, even if I feel anything but strong today.
I turn my head, eyeing the low, tight bun Addy helped me with, and making sure no stray strands are out of place. I didn’t want to deal with my unruly waves in the rain. I don’t need a distraction. I want to focus, get through this, and move on.
With one last look, I find Weston’s gaze in the mirror.
“Let’s go.”
When we emerge into the hallway, the air feels different. I don’t hesitate, not like before, or like all the times in the past that I walked by her closed door. I don’t rush past. I don’t avoid looking. I walk straight to her door, gripping the handle tightly, and push it open.
The scene before me is the same as it has been every time I’ve been brave enough to enter this room, hell, to even look into this room. But this time, I am not the same.
I round the bed, coming alongside her and take her hand. The warmth of her fingers catches me off guard, especially after the chill from my room, but it feels right. It feels like the last piece of me that I had been missing.
“You lost this, Mother. I wanted you to have it back.”
I slide the ring on her finger, straightening it so the stone faces the ceiling, but I don’t drop her hand. Instead, I squeeze it tighter.
“I have to bury Father today,” I mutter, and huff a sad laugh. “I honestly thought you would be first. I never would have guessed it would end up this way.”
Emotion swells in my chest, and my gaze snaps up, searching for Weston.
I find him leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest and armor glinting in the flickering flames as he watches me.
He gives me a reassuring nod, and I inhale a shuddering breath before looking back at her serene face again.
“I tried to save you. We both did, but things didn’t go the way we hoped. We held onto it for as long as we could, but in the end it wasn’t up to us. At least the hope brought us home, but it was empty-handed. And now Father is gone. He held onto hope for you too, but I think…”
My voice trails off, and my eyes fill with tears.
“I think it’s time to let you go. You’ve held on for so long. I know you wanted to have a life together, and wanted one with him, but he’s gone now. It isn’t fair to keep you here when you could be with him on the other side.”
I squeeze her hand tightly as a tear falls silently onto the bedding, followed by another. I inhale another harsh breath and let everything I want to say to her come out, because this is probably my last chance.
“I hope that one day I can be the mother you always wanted to be. I’m sorry you never got to experience that.
I know how much it meant to you. I promise your memory will live on.
In me, in this kingdom, in the future generations of Blackwood.
Even though I never got to meet you, I feel like the pieces I have gotten were better than the hopeless grief I had before. ”
I smooth her hand on her abdomen, and the light from the candles glints off the stone.
“Until we meet again.” I stand quickly and walk straight for the door, but Weston doesn’t move.
Instead, he steps forward, wrapping his arms around me, and holds me tight.
I press my forehead against the cold metal covering his chest. The armor that protects him is blocking me from having the comfort of his warm body that I am craving.
After Dawnlin deemed me unworthy, I knew I would eventually have to say goodbye to my mother, and this time, for good. Despite being prepared, I knew it would still hurt, but I never thought I would have to do it on the same day I buried my other parent.
“I’ll tell the healers tonight that it’s time.”
I feel him nod against my head, but it takes me off guard when he speaks because it isn’t directed at me.
“You would have made a great mother, Lyla. But you can leave knowing I will take care of her. Even though you never got to meet her, she is still very much your daughter. I swear it.”
My fingertips dig into his hips as I squeeze my eyes shut, completely uncaring that the wetness coating my eyelashes is, once again, going to destroy Tila’s work. I allow myself only a few seconds of despair and pain before I sniffle and push myself away from Weston.
“Alright,” I say, setting my jaw and looking at him directly. “Time to bury my father.”