Chapter 42 #2
If I had, maybe I never would have decided to come back.
Maybe I would have followed through with my plan and spoken to the healers instead of the Guardian tonight.
I wouldn’t have talked Weston into sneaking me out of the castle and bringing me to the fountain, now that it is so obvious to me he didn’t want to.
I haven’t made a decision. I still could leave here and follow through. I could let her go. But would I? Would Weston even let me?
I know he said it was my decision, but would he accept it? He was worthy the same as I was. One of those vials belongs to him. Even if I say I want to let her go, to let her be with my father, he could still decide to fulfill his promise to his king and use his healing waters to save her.
He would do it so that I didn’t have to suffer without her, but he isn’t considering how much I would suffer if I had to watch him forget. If I had to live every day, watching him serve the crown, serve me, and only remember his life as the First Guard.
Tears well in my eyes and I hug my knees tighter trying to ease the pressure of the gaping hole in my chest.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t live every day watching him forget me and everyone else he cares for. He wouldn’t remember Sig, or Jorn, or how he was the beloved Captain to everyone on this ship.
Without a second thought, he would give up his life for me, again.
But I can’t let him do it, selfishly, but also not.
I never thought I would have to choose between the man I love and the mother I always wanted.
When we found the dust, and decided to go back to my kingdom, I wasn’t expecting to have everyone that was supposed to stand beside me and help me as queen completely disappear. My father, Edmond, Brynne. Almost everyone I trusted, or thought I trusted, is gone.
Weston would never leave his position as First Guard. I know firsthand how much he values his duty and his oath, and he would trust no one else with my protection. He was the one who said that his title is the only thing ensuring that we can be together, in whatever capacity that would allow.
If I say goodbye to my mother, then I say goodbye to the last person who could help me fulfill my potential and ensure I don’t succumb to the pressures and expectations of a new ruler.
If I don’t heal her, I have no one left to appoint as an advisor, to give me guidance or direction from their own experience.
My kingdom could fall, and it would be entirely my fault.
The only person who has been queen, who knows what it is like and what it requires, is her.
If I let her go, I would be dooming all of my people to the reign of a na?ve queen, who only just ever found enough strength to step foot outside the castle walls.
There would be no one there to inspire confidence in my people, no one to support and vouch for me, no one to calm the nerves or stop the mistreatment of other kings and queens.
We’ve already had one, and that was while my father still sat on the throne.
How easily could a mutiny start amongst my guards if it were just me?
The thoughts swirl in my mind, and bile bites at the back of my throat as I consider it all. How am I supposed to choose between what is best for my kingdom, and what is best for me?
Are they the same?
The sound of clothing hitting the ground beside me pulls me out of my thought spiral.
I’d been so lost in my mind that I hadn’t even heard him come back into the room.
Weston steps into the tub behind me, slowly sinking into the water and extending his legs on either side of me.
The surface of the water ripples and sloshes around us as he sidles up to me, and I let out a sigh as his lips press firmly into my shoulder.
His hands slide up my back, working and kneading the muscles along my spine, before they slow at the base of my neck.
With our disappearance from the castle tonight, I missed my evening dose of the pain medication, but the stiff muscles and soreness has been the last thing on my mind.
Tears bite at my eyes when I feel the tips of Weston’s fingers press into the muscles at the back of my neck, slowly circling around to the front, followed by the familiar tingling warmth of the salve.
He hates using the magic that Dawnlin offered us during our time here, but he never hesitated using it for me.
I can’t imagine how much it has been gnawing at him, wishing he could do something to help rid me of the injury.
He saw his opportunity, and took it, and while it stopped bothering me mentally, at least now I know he is satisfied.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and feel him let out a hot sigh against my skin just as the last tingling of the salve dissipates. He settles his chin into my shoulder, and I tilt my head, resting it against his.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he mumbles, and I feel a pang in my chest. “I didn’t want to influence your decision. It’s not my place to try to persuade you either way, and I didn’t want you to feel like I was.”
I shake my head. “You’re wrong. It is your place, because you’re mine and I’m yours. That means you talk to me, Weston. Not hide things from me.”
“I wasn’t trying to hide it.” The water sloshes as his arms wrap around my middle and clench tightly.
“I truly didn’t know if you remembered, and still wanted to try.
I couldn’t leave Blackwood and get to the mountain without you knowing my feelings for you.
You have to know that whatever you decide, they won’t change. ”
“We decide. Not just me.”
His lips press into my shoulder again, and he mutters against my skin. “It’s not my decision, my queen. But I will shoulder the burden for you time and time again, for as many stars as there are in the sky so you never have to feel the way you felt today.”
I suck in a sharp breath and swallow down the lump in my throat. “I don’t think there’s a path I can choose where I wouldn’t feel that way.”
The muscles in his arms ripple as leans back, pulling me along with him until I’m settled against his chest with my head in the crook of his neck.
“We have time,” he says. “We don’t need to decide tonight. Lyla has held on this long, we can look at all the possibilities.”
I don’t respond, because he must know that I’ve been analyzing the possibilities since the moment he left me alone, and I’m just as lost as I was when I heard the reminder from the island.
The deafening silence settles into a comfortable one, and I close my eyes, just breathing and feeling. The heat from the water, the firmness of his body, the safety and protection in his arms.
I try not to think, but with the gravity of this choice and all the new ones that have come up, I can’t get this thought out of my mind.
“We have to find all the others. We have to bring them back so they can try too.”
“I agree,” he grumbles.
I swallow hard. “Only you can do that.” My voice is barely a whisper, and, despite my effort, cracks on the last word.
He releases a deep sigh.
“I know.”
Weston’s hold on me doesn’t loosen as we sit in the cooling water and listen to the comforting sounds of the ship. My muscles still feel taut despite the work of his powerful hands, and my chest is as full of turmoil as it was before.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I want to be strong, even though I feel anything but. More than anything, I just want to escape the prison of my mind and fate, even if it is just for a little while. I want to feel whole, and safe, and loved.
Because it might be the last time I ever do.
Squeezing my eyes shut, a single tear escapes one corner.
“I need you to love me,” I whisper softly.
He shifts behind me, sitting us upright and sending the water cascading over the sides of the tub as he turns my body until I’m facing him. Taking my face in his hands, I can barely meet his eyes because the earnestness I find there feels like a dagger to my chest.
“Lennox, I do love you. I love you with every part of me, to the depths of my soul. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my short and long life. More than my mother, my father, my best friend, my family here. You gave me purpose, and hope for a life that I thought was well over. I will never stop loving you, never stop showing you that you are mine, and that I would do anything for you, in any time, any place. You don’t need me to love you, because I already do, and no matter how many more challenges we face, that will never change. ”
My face crumbles at his words, and I drop my chin to my chest to try to hide it. I can’t contain the sob that built up inside me the longer he spoke, and the mangled sound punctuates the quiet room.
His reassurance is exactly the problem. Deep in my soul, I know he means every word. I know he loves me, the same as he knows I love him. And it’s exactly why this choice is tearing me apart piece by piece.
“I know you do,” I say, my words mangled by the effort it is taking not to break into another fit of tears. “That’s not what I mean.”
I lift my chin to meet his gaze, only to find him watching me, his face pleading for me to believe his words. His eyes take in my tears, my swollen eyes, my quivering lips.
“Then tell me what you mean, sweetheart.”
My limbs tremble as I reach out and settle my hands at the curve of his neck, stroking his skin with one thumb. My eyes dart down to his mouth, before meeting those beautiful teal depths again. “I need you to love me.”
He doesn’t hesitate, only leans in and presses the softest brush of a kiss to my lips.
“I will do anything for you, my queen.”