Chapter 45
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
My knees give out the moment the magic dissipates, and I crash onto the cold stone ground. This time, Weston isn’t here to catch me. I can barely feel the chill in the air despite my thin clothes and lack of a cloak. I don’t know or even care what time of day it is because I can’t open my eyes.
Falling forward onto my hands, the jagged surface bites into my skin as my body collapses in on itself and a piercing wail shreds my throat.
My nails dig into the stone, cracking and breaking as I claw at it, trying to gain purchase as I heave through the sobs.
Chaos churns in my belly, threatening to spill all over the ground in front of me as the gravity of what I’ve just done washes over me.
I left Weston alone on the island that he had tried to escape for so many years, with the promise that I would forget him.
For his own good.
My stomach heaves, and I can’t stop the burning sickness that erupts from my throat. Every limb shakes as my body continues to dry heave, trying to rid itself of the pain, but nothing can take it away.
I need him.
He’s the only one who has ever been able to calm me when I feel like this, like my world is out of control, and I’m spiraling deeper and deeper until I can’t pull myself out of it.
Warm, familiar hands wrap around mine, and there’s a flicker of hope in my chest that is dashed when I remember they are the wrong man’s hands. The father, not the son.
Edmond lifts gently, helping me to my feet as I struggle to remain upright. My hands shake as I push into his grip, but he holds me steady.
“It pains me to see you like this, Lennox,” Edmond murmurs, and all it takes is for him to completely disregard my title and all the formalities, to see me as a person, one who he watched grow up, for me to throw away all my inhibitions.
I fall into him, digging my forehead into his chest, and wail.
I cry like I have never been allowed to in this kingdom, and I don’t give a fuck who might see or hear their queen have a moment of humanity.
Edmond’s arms wrap around my shoulders, and he hushes me in a low, soothing voice, stroking my hair and holding me like a father should. Like my father never did.
I fight all the thoughts flying through my mind, all the regrets, all the fears, all the pain, and sob into Edmond’s understanding embrace. My shoulders shake, my chest heaves, and my voice is strangled when I choke out my justification.
“I had to hurt him. I had to. He wouldn’t listen to me.” Every word is stuttered by a shuddering sob, and the strain in my voice makes it barely recognizable, but Edmond’s comfort doesn’t falter.
“My son is a man who knows what he wants. It is difficult to change his mind once it is made up. His mother and I tried time and time again when he was a boy, and his stubbornness did not leave him in adulthood.”
“I can’t let him live in pain, Edmond. I can’t condemn him to that fate.” I tilt my chin up and pry my swollen eyelids apart until I can see the face of my beloved tutor. His expression is exactly as I would have expected. He’s calm and thoughtful, but intense in his own way.
“As someone who loves you both very much, I don’t want to see either of you live a life filled with unhappiness and regret.”
“Please, Edmond, please,” I beg, fisting my hands in his cloak.
“You have to make sure he lives a good life. Make sure he is happy. Please. Don’t let him give up everything he could have because of me.
He deserves so much more.” I search his eyes, trying to find agreement, but all I see is the same all-knowing gaze Edmond has had since the day I met him.
“The promise of a joyous and fulfilled life is all a parent ever truly wants for their child.”
I grit my teeth against another sob. How I wish I had grown up with a father who had only wanted what was best for me. I never experienced the unconditional love of a parent, the kind where I didn’t have to prove myself or earn whatever sliver of attention they were willing to give me.
Until now.
Because I have the healing waters, and a mother who only ever wanted to love her daughter.
I suck in a deep breath, trying to slow the shake of my shoulders and calm down my racing thoughts.
Forcing away the pain, I focus on feeling nothing, willing my body and mind to go numb.
I will not let the sacrifice I made be in vain.
I will not let giving him up and causing him such pain be for nothing.
I pull away from Edmond, straightening my shoulders and wiping the tears from my puffy eyes.
“Will you come back with me? Just for a little while? I—” I stammer, because when you are queen, it doesn’t feel you should ever utter these words, but I do, because he might be the last person I can trust with them.
“Edmond, I need your help.”