Chapter 16
REINA
Vasiah: Have a great session, Hayami. I’m proud of you for taking this step.
The death of my father and his failure to show up for me versus Reign.
The distant relationship with my mother.
And finally, the way I avoided love yet desired it at the same time. Was I supposed to pick a side or just fall into the abyss of loneliness?
Was I even lonely, though?
I wasn’t sure. I just knew that the way I treated these niggas would surely land me in Lucifer’s lair.
Walking in, I greeted the warm Jamaican lady at the receptionist’s desk and followed her lead to Dr. Love’s office. Rae assured me that she was cool and unlike any other therapists out here.
“Hello, LaReina. Welcome to Love Rehab,” she greeted me as I walked in.
My eyes darted around her office, taking in her artwork and the lavender chamomile smell of the room.
She was barefoot, sitting criss-cross applesauce with an iPad on her lap, dressed in grey wide-legged pants and a matching fitted shirt.
Diamonds adorned her ears, neck, and wrist.
“Hey, Dr. Love,” I greeted. I opted to take a seat on the chaise lounge chair across from her.
We stared at each other for a minute, and I observed that while her hair was a nice length, the grey color she was rocking could be touched up.
I made a mental note to ask her who did her hair and offer her a service with either one of my stylists or me.
“The infamous LaReina.” She smiled slightly.
“Infamous?” I clarified.
“Desiraè speaks highly of you. But I want to know more about you as an individual. So to kick this off, what exactly brings you in?” She leaned back in her seat. I stared carefully at her, trying to figure out where I wanted to start.
“Do you ever just feel like…everything you’ve ever been taught is just wrong?
Like, the people around meant well, but really, it was just the blind leading the blind?
Now here I am, in my thirties, feeling emotionally stunted.
Like, getting niggas is not a problem. You see me,” I winked and motioned over my face and body.
“But connecting with them outside of sex and actually allowing them to see my soft side or my lover girl side is non-existent. And until recently, I never cared about how I came across to these niggas. They were for two things only. Money and dick. And I never needed their money because I have my own,” I rambled.
Dr. Love nodded as I talked, every so often typing on her iPad. Then she set it down and leaned forward.
“I know I said a lot…” I was two seconds from picking up my purse and hightailing it outta here.
“You did. But that’s why you’re here: to unpack. So let’s address them one by one. We may not get through everything today, but if you’re up to it, we can schedule more sessions. Is that cool?”
I nodded, remembering that Rae said this therapist lady wasn’t all prim and proper, appearance aside.
“Aight, so. You said that you feel like certain things taught to you by your loved ones are wrong, even if their intentions were in the right place. What things were you taught that you still carry with you? And were these lessons taught in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood?”
I chewed the inside of my jaw. “Okay so… you know I’m a twin, right?
Rae’s husband is my brother. Our daddy died when we were ten.
He was in the streets, and according to my Nana, our mama gave him an ultimatum: the streets or his family.
He chose the streets because I don’t think he ever lived with us or anything, but he spent a lotta time with Reign…
not so much me. I was never a daddy’s girl or anything,” I scoffed.
“What did he and Reign do together?”
“I’m guessing something street-related. Reign is still so vague about it. I haven’t asked about it in years, though.”
“Do you think that Reign is vague to protect you?”
I shrugged. “Girl… I couldn’t tell you. I know Reign like the back of my hand, but sometimes his decision-making blows the fuck outta me. And my daddy, girl, I barely remember his ass.”
“What about your mom?”
“Renita is…” I paused. “I don’t know how to describe our relationship. She sent Reign to live with our Nana, and I followed him, and we barely saw her during our teen years… Not saying she’s a bad person! But she’s just distant. Maybe we all are.”
“Do you desire closeness with her?”
“That answer varies by the day. I often question if she wants to be close to us. It’s like once she got fed up with Reign, she got fed up with us both.
She works a lot as a travel nurse… but …
a part of me feels like having a relationship with her grown children is a two-way street?
” The last part came off as a question because I didn’t know.
“So how do you think that affects you today? You still never said what you were taught.”
“Right, I’m getting to that. So like I was saying, I followed my brother’s lead, but what the fuck do niggas actually know?
Don’t get me wrong, I am my own person. But Reign taught me to hustle, to not take shit, and to keep my eyes on my paper.
And I take it seriously. Niggas don’t play in my face; I am successful, and nobody can outwork me.
But I feel like… I’m going about shit all wrong. ”
“Name one thing you’re wrong about.”
“Well, for starters, I have never been in a relationship. Mind you, I get niggas… but actually claiming one? EEEEEEYUCK!” Dr. Love fell out laughing, breaking up the seriousness of it all.
“I truly thought love wasn’t for me. But recently, my tune is changing. I think I am truly losing my marbles, Doc. Because now… I want love and I… I think I am in love. But I’m also afraid that Imma fuck this up.” I finally breathed, and the room fell silent.
“And is this a person who has changed your tune?”
“Vasiah. I… he’s… this shit feels childish! Like, we are so opposite. He’s a nerd; I’m not. He’s chill, I’m not really. He doesn't know how to shoot. He isn’t from the streets. And I approached him first, which goes against all my rules.” I fell deeper into the chaise, feeling crazy.
“This is like the second time you’ve mentioned rules. But the reality is, when it comes to love, there aren’t many rules. Have boundaries and standards for how you want to be treated, yes. But I imagine that to prevent getting played, you are also preventing people from getting close to you, too?”
I nodded, feeling ashamed. “My Nana used to tell me that I needed to act more ladylike because no man wanted a crazy ass woman. But I truly don’t think I’m crazy, Doc. Just misunderstood more than anything. I be wanting niggas to be patient with me – correction – my nigga to be patient with me.”
“You’ve said a lot without directly answering my questions, LaReina. What makes you desire love… or, more importantly, is it Vasiah who is making you reconsider how you show up love-wise?”
“Kinda.”
She gave me a girl, please look, and I just decided to come clean.
“Alrightttt, " I huffed. “The truth is, Doc, I got my feelings hurt real bad by a dusty ass nigga who burnt me and got me pregnant. I beat him and his mama up. I ain‘t been nice to niggas ever since.”
Her eyes stretched. “Why would you beat his mama up, LaReina? What did she have to do with anything?”
“Because why would she birth a dirty dick ass nigga?”
“Touchè. But not every man is like Mr. Dusty. Though I can imagine it's hard to trust your discernment after experiencing that. Is that why you chose a life of non-commitment and giving these niggas hell?”
I nodded, spellbound by the way she code-switched between being professional and sounding like one of the girls. “Yeah. And I hate to give a nigga that much power over me… shit happened when I was like 19. Like, shouldn’t I be over it by now and treat niggas better?”
“Many might say yes, but healing isn’t linear. And while you may not feel like you have to heal from anything, the fact is, you let your guard down, and that person caused you harm. Burning someone, regardless of whether they know or not, is harmful. Did you ever keep the baby?”
“Hell nah! I don’t believe in having these niggas kids; therefore, I no longer fuck raw.”
“I see. And do you wanna treat niggas better? I can’t speak to whether or not you should be over it, but you did express on the intake form that you want to move forward from it. Not just in time but in mindset, correct? You said you feel emotionally stunted.”
“I feel so fucked up,” I muttered, looking at my hands.
“LaReina, look at me.” I glanced up at her.
“You aren’t fucked up. You’re a human being learning to navigate life, love, and foreign feelings.
You are not an object that needs to be fixed, no matter what choices you made.
Furthermore, feelings are merely information.
They are valid, but that doesn’t mean they are facts.
So now that you desire to do better, you have to match your actions with it. ”
Ping.
Her timer went off, and I was saved by the bell.
She stood, so I did too. We exchanged goodbyes, and I walked out feeling more…
confused than when I came in, though her words were reassuring.
Rae warned me that after my first session, I’d probably walk away with more questions than answers.
I would still go, though, because I really wanted to mend my bruised heart…
not just for myself, but because Vasiah deserved a fair chance with me, too.