Chapter 26
REINA
“Let’s talk about accountability today,” Dr. Love said after we exchanged greetings at the beginning of my session.
“Let’s not.”
“LaReina.”
“Fineeee.” I huffed. “Where do we start?”
“Well… do you think you take accountability for your actions?”
I glanced up at the ceiling. “Ummm. When I’m wrong, yeah. Like for example, I said sorry to Vasiah the other day even though he hurt my feelings.”
“But did you mean it? What made you say sorry?”
I was two seconds from walking out this session. The line of questioning was making my head hurt. What did she even mean by what made me say sorry? Ain’t that what I’m supposed to do?
“Imma be honest, Doc… I’m not following. I know I’m a bit too old to not be well-versed in relationships, but it is what it is. What do you mean by what made me say sorry?
She blinked at me, then typed something on her iPad. I’d give my left titty to see what she had to say about me in her notes. “Saying sorry is a complex human behavior. Usually we say it when we want to mend a relationship, right?”
“Right…”
“But sometimes, we can overapologize due to past traumas or anxiety. Even if we didn’t do anything wrong. We tend to do this because we want to control a situation or minimize tension.”
“I don’t think I’m like that. Most times, I don’t give a fuck.”
“Hmm. And that’s why I asked what made you say sorry to Vasiah and whether you meant it. Because if your natural default is to not give a fuck, what has changed?”
I was stumped. And a little ashamed. I was sounding so…callous.
“I’m… I’m not a bad person,” I defended.
“Let’s stay on track here. Those words didn’t come out of my mouth.”
I chewed my bottom lip, then took a deep breath. “Okay. After talking it over with a friend, he straight up told me that I was wrong for bringing Vasiah to the hookah lounge. I truly didn’t think there was nothing wrong with it though, and that was my error.”
“Why didn’t you think there was anything wrong with it?
“Because, I’m used to having my way out here, I’m not gon’ lie. But truly, I didn’t think ole boy was gone be there… though there was a secret part of me that wanted to stunt on him if he was.”
“Why?”
I sighed. “He… disrespected me. Called me a dog ass bitch all because I don’t wanna be with his ass.
He has erectile dysfunction, Doc! What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
” I went on to tell her about our back and forth that I kept up for a while, and that’s when she mentally hemmed me up again.
“But if you wanted nothing to do with him because he didn’t satisfy you sexually, why call him over there…
to…satisfy you…sexually?” She genuinely looked perplexed, and I wanted to disappear into thin air.
Cuz even my rule about it sounded so dumb right now.
My cheeks warmed, and everything I was so damn embarrassed. I slid down in my chair.
“Straighten up, LaReina,” Doc said sharply. “You ain’t gotta shrink in here. Grown people do the hard shit.”
I swear my eyes grew two sizes larger. “Crazy you say that. Reign told me that once, when I was 19.” I straightened up in the chair and rolled my shoulders back, looking this crazy therapist lady square in her eyes.
“Alright. I have this rule that I recognize is dumb as fuck now. The rule was to never give up for sure dick for maybe dick. Me and Vasiah were very new at the time…and…Enrico was just…there. And even though he didn’t satisfy me one way sexually, he satisfied me another way.
And also… a sick side of me liked the way he let me have my way with him. ”
“Thank you for acknowledging that. How does it make you feel?”
“I don’t know. I want to change from having this mentality. What do you think?”
“You really wanna know what I think?”
My brows raised. “Ummmm. Yeah. Ain’t that what you get paid for?”
She smirked, so I knew I had to mentally prepare myself again. I don’t know how people ain’t walk outta her office feeling like they went rounds with Mike Tyson. Doctor Love ain’t play no games.
“Let’s go back to accountability for a bit.
I think your challenges with holding yourself accountable have to do with the vulnerability that’s associated with it.
From what you’ve shared with me over our last few sessions, vulnerability for you is too close to allowing yourself to get hurt.
If you admit that you did something wrong, you equate it to being a ‘bad’ person when human behavior is much more complex than that.
We aren’t just ‘good’ or ‘bad’... we’re just human.
And admitting when you’re wrong isn’t a death sentence. It’s actually very healthy.”
Well damn. I could just snatch my wig off and throw it.
“I don’t think you’re a sociopath who has no remorse for others…
but I do know a couple things to be true: you’ve been let down by people you love and care for.
As a result, you’ve developed an inflated sense of self-worth as a defense mechanism.
Don’t get me wrong, LaReina, you are very much that girl…
but you are flawed too, and that’s okay. ”
I’m pretty sure I paled at that point.
“I know it's hard to hear, but this is what you wanted, correct?”
I nodded.
“Then we’ll continue to work on it. You’re not a broken person who needs to be fixed, but you do need to learn to be considerate of people you say you love and care about. And if you don’t care about them, learn to let them go and allow someone else to treat them well.”
Ding.
The timer went off, and I couldn’t gather my purse fast enough.
I wanted to lie down and take a nap; I was so emotionally overstimulated.
I drove home in silence, mulling over her words.
That would be the last time I ask for that lady’s honesty again!
Deep down inside, though, I knew she was right.
I wasn’t broken, but there were things internally that I needed to repair – especially if Vasiah and I were gonna make it down the aisle one day.