1
Mother!
“And what do you expect me to do with your cruise tickets?“
Lachlan’s set his phone on speaker, mounted it on the counter stand, then moved around the kitchen with his bag of groceries.
He bought enough vegetables to prep the week’s meals, busy enough not to have to worry about his mom’s mid-sixties crisis, but he cared.
“Go,“
Elspeth said into the phone with finality. She leaned in closer to the camera and huffed, fogging up her side of the screen. “You found some big ol’ cucumbers today!”
“Ma, don’t…“
He knew where that woman’s mind went, the slight Scottish accent still tickling her words.
“I wasn’t going to say a damn thing about your preference for big logs. I wanted to ask where you got them but it don’t matter. I’m not home.”
Lacy set the cucumbers on the counter and pulled out his cutting board and knife. He paused a moment, pointed the blade her way, then frowned. “I can tell, Ma. It’s breezy and a little orange out here but it’s green as it gets in your background. What happened to you and Laur—“
“Don’t utter that woman’s name!“
Elspeth growled, the corner of her lip curling up as she crossed her arms. It looked intimidating but like most things Elspeth Campbell, it lacked bite. “That woman’s gone batshit.”
“Ma. She’s been your best friend for two years.”
“And now she’s not. Never you mind why. I don’t speak to the type to turn their son out for being gay. So, we aren’t talking. No cruise together. You win two free tickets.”
Intentional slip of the tongue aside, if his mother didn’t want to gossip, she wouldn’t. He’d have to get the details later. Theo always was close with Osei, Laura’s once pride and joy.
“So? What do I do with two tickets?”
“Take Shawna.”
“Ma! She’s—“
“Heartbroken,“
Elspeth sing-songed. “Struggling. Better off. Best cure for all that is a cruise! I even called and changed all the events to their LGBTQ-plus ones. There’s a rainbow convention. No old farts and bingo for you two. You get drag shows, hunky men stripping on poles, and lesbian pudding wrestling!”
“I’m sorry?“
Lachlan froze. He set the knife down and bit into a slice of cucumber with wide eyes. His damn mother was all smiles on the video call, leaned back in a chair with a smug-as-shit grin, umbrella of her drink between her teeth. “Lesbian… What?”
“Pudding wrestling, Lach. Open your ears when your mother speaks. Gods gave you a good pair. And don’t you worry. There are less wild events. You two will figure it all out.”
Several hours later, the conversation still shocked Lachlan. Even as he related it all to Shawna, who hadn’t asked any questions at all until they were a few hours away from port. She’d been in a foul mood for weeks, after her gym rat boyfriend came home early from the gym with another woman, walked into their bedroom and got straight to fucking.
All without realizing Shawna had come early to cook him a special dinner and announce her promotion at work.
She watched the loser drag the giggling invader behind him, right past the kitchen she’d been standing in. The bedroom door clicked shut, things fumbled in the room and then they serenaded her with overplayed sounds of sex from a woman pretending three inches did a damn thing.
When they came out of the rooms for water and snacks, Shawna had the table set. She fed them, told the woman to get tested, and gave the prick an hour to vacate before she called the cops. Cops she was friends with.
That sort of shit hurt.
“So, your mother thinks we’ll enjoy gay men stripping and bikini-clad ladies in pudding?“
Shawna took off her sunglasses and tucked them up into her stunning afro. “You know… I think I might.”
“Enjoy which?”
“Both? You know at the gym, men and women both have what I like…”
Lachlan laughed. “Muscle. I hear you. Are you sure you don’t want to just date a bicep?”
“Lach. Sweetheart. There are curves on this body that twigs can’t handle. And I don’t want to be competing for whose cheeks are clapping the loudest with each thrust. I’m the music and they’re the power. Perfect pairing.”
“Ew. I’ll take images I didn’t want in my head for five-thousand, Alec.”
Shawna giggled and replaced her sunglasses. As the port came into view, she squealed in pure joy. “Holy shit, Lach! They’re huge! I’ve never been on a cruise but I am going to spend these two weeks forgetting the real world.“
She reached out and grabbed Lach’s thigh. With a gentle squeeze of her bright orange nails, Shawna spoke firmly. “And so should you. Since you came out, you’ve been avoiding dating. Stop that shit. Have fun. You deserve it.”
Lachlan didn’t feel the same but he nodded anyways. Two weeks on a boat in a queer space should be a safe place to unwind and just be. He’d thank his mom later.