Close Your Eyes and Just Let Go Lizzie
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND JUST LET GO
Lizzie
SEPTEMBER 3, 2003
F EAR HAD TAKEN HOLD OF MY BODY TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDN’T LEAVE MY BED . With my arms hooked around my knees, I rocked back and forth, feeling overwhelmed and numb all at once.
My body ached all over, and the stabbing sensation between my thighs sent my mind into a deep spiral.
How long I had been here, I had no idea.
Why this had happened again was another unanswered question.
I only knew this was worse.
I felt worse.
I was trapped, and there was no escape.
I had been captured once more by the monster in my mind and caged inside of my body.
I wanted to purge my soul of this poison.
I wanted to slit my wrists to the bone and bleed the pain away.
At least that way, it would be over.
It would stop.
Because I needed it to all just stop .
Swept up in my sudden emotional turmoil, I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but everything was cloudy.
Confusion had swallowed me whole, while echoes of his voice tipped me over the edge.
Teeth chattering, I continued to rock back and forth, while glancing at the instant photos I had found in the waistband of my skirt.
A little girl that looked just like me.
No!
Lying on her bed.
Stop it!
Without any clothes on.
It’s not real!
Taking her medicine.
It was never real!
Being a good girl for the monster.
No, no, no! It’s not real! Don’t you ever think about that again!
A hoarse sob ripped from my throat, and I quickly smacked the photos away from my body, desperate to get clean.
You know you’re a bad person .
You were a bad child, too .
Filthy little girl .
All those urges .
You are bad .
You shouldn’t be here .
You are a mistake .
You are a liar!
I knew the monster was swallowing me up in his belly again, but I couldn’t chase him off this time. Unraveling, I lost my grip, too weary to hold on.
Let go, busy Lizzie bee .
Close your eyes and just let go .
When I did, when I finally stopped fighting against it and let the voices swallow me up, I felt nothing at all.
And it was wonderful .