CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Evylin only had one more day with Hewitt.
As they cantered down the road that cut through the thick forests of central Ephria, Evylin’s heart stuttered every few moments.
They were within a day’s travel from the site of Hewitt’s grave.
Tomorrow, they would arrive at the village of Acre, where their friends would settle in for the evening while she and Deckard made the short ride to the forest where they’d buried her uncle’s body.
Then Deckard would release him . . . forever.
Evylin didn’t know if she could face the loss a second time.
With Deckard’s power, she could keep Hewitt with her for the rest of her life.
They could end the war, save their countries, and rebuild Allund as it was always meant to be.
She and Jonn could live out their lives in the bliss of their Bond, traveling the world.
And they could keep Hewitt at their side all the while.
But it wasn’t what her uncle wanted.
Evylin had fallen back to ride at the rear of the troop, her thoughts muddled by the impending dawn of a new day.
The Space Relic hung hidden under her coat, its thick golden chain accompanying the thin silver necklace Hewitt had made for her fifteenth birthday.
The Alliance was right. As part of a Bonded pair, she felt no effects from this Relic.
After her time with the Day, Fire, and Night Relics, she knew how their emotional manipulation tugged on your soul subtly.
Yet, there was no urging of Space on her, no push and pull of everything and nothing like she’d felt in the Keep.
It simply rested against her breastbone, pleasantly cool and content.
That was something unexpected. After wearing the Relic for a full day, she’d begun to receive near-sentient pulses from it.
It didn’t seem alive, exactly, but it still bore its own personality, its own emotions.
And through her growing understanding of the Relic’s magic, she could tell that it was happy to be with her.
With a deep breath, Evylin stared at the riders ahead. She didn’t know how to handle that revelation. The Relic liked being with her. How would it feel if she gave it away? Did it matter?
Considering a magical necklace’s feelings had never occurred to Evylin before. But now . . .
Deckard didn’t want a future governing the country, which meant they’d hand the Relic over to another Bonded couple.
She’d heard talk of another Space Mage, which meant the Alliance had a viable option other than themselves.
While Deckard and she could safely carry the Relic during their mission, once Allund was settled, they would give it to its rightful caretakers.
Evylin glanced down as though she could see the Relic through her tunic. “What do you think of that?” she asked quietly. No one was near enough to hear her, but she didn’t care for them to find out she was talking to the thing, even if it was just this once.
There was no response. Not a spike of energy or even a sense of emotion. The Relic just lay against her chest, unseen and steadily giving off the same feeling of contentment.
Evylin pursed her lips. Perhaps the Relic didn’t care about her so much as knowing that it was out in the world again, free of its confines in the Keep. It probably wouldn’t mind being given away to someone else.
But what if Evylin minded . . . ?
Looking ahead again, Evylin saw Deckard guide his horse away from where he led the troop with Thom. He dropped back to join her. His green-blue gaze studied her even as he offered a gentle smile.
“You’ve been back here for quite some time,” he noted.
“I’ve been ruminating,” she admitted.
“On what exactly?”
Evylin drew in a slow breath. “Many things,” she said. She let her lips lift in a teasing grin. “You came back because you felt my worry, didn’t you?”
“I did,” he confessed.
“Mm-hm.” Evylin nudged his arm and tried not to notice the way he flinched in reaction to the Relic’s tug.
Clinging to amusement rather than disappointment, she smirked.
“Well, I must say I rather like this Bond of ours,” she teased.
“It’s very handy. All I need is to feel the slightest concern, and you’ll come running. ”
Deckard dipped his chin. “Anything to serve you.”
That was part of the problem.
“What’s bothering you?” Deckard asked.
Though there were many things causing Evylin’s distress, she chose the most immediate concern. “I don’t want to let him go,” she confessed quietly. “I’m not ready to lose him again.”
Deckard’s head hung lower as though he bore the weight of her disappointment alone. “I know,” he said.
“Having Hewitt with us these past weeks has been wonderful,” she continued. “Being around him, speaking with him—it has made the pain easier in so many ways. But it’s also made it harder, knowing that these are truly our last moments.”
Deckard nodded. “I’ve felt the same. I know he and I haven’t always gotten along, but he became very important to me. He gave me you, after all. Losing him will be like losing a part of who we are. I think that’s why I summoned him in the first place. I needed him; we needed him.”
Evylin grinned tenderly, knowing he was right.
Deckard’s eyes fell to her hands, resting upon the saddle. Somehow, she knew he was staring at her rings. The ivy and onyx bands—representations of her past and their future, Hewitt and Deckard.
“Sometimes,” Deckard whispered, “I think we still need him.”
Evylin pressed her lips together, sadness rising with her. “I’ll always need him,” she agreed.
Deckard met her gaze, worry bleeding out of him. “No, I meant we need him. As a couple.”
“In what way?”
The sunlight turned his gaze light blue as his expression grew adamant.
“He’s the only reason I have you, Evylin,” he said softly.
“And I’m afraid . . .” He paused, wet his bottom lip, and tried again.
“I’m afraid that without him, I’ll fail you.
Without his knowledge and guidance, I fear that I can’t be the man you need me to be. ”
“Jonn—”
Letting the others ride ahead, he pulled his horse to a stop. When she’d done the same, he took hold of her hand. “In order to release Hewitt, I have to want to let him go, Evylin. I have to mean it with everything inside me. Otherwise, it might not take effect.”
Evylin stared at him with wary hesitation.
“I don’t want to do it,” he admitted. “Not only because I’ll miss him, and not simply because it will break your heart a second time. I don’t want to lose him because I’m afraid it will mean losing you.”
Evylin leaned forward, tightening her grip on him. “You can’t lose me, Jonn. We’re Bonded, remember,” she said with a smile. “You’re stuck with me for good.”
Though he tried to return the grin, it fell woefully short. “But I can disappoint you.”
Evylin froze, eyes locked with her husband’s as they bored into her.
“I can fail you,” he continued. “Everything I’ve done, every right choice I’ve made, I had Hewitt to help me make it.
He’s the reason we married, the reason you came to trust me, the very reason I ever knew how to care for you.
Without him, how can I ever be the man you need? ”
For the first time in her life, Evylin realized just how much Hewitt had held her back. Had anyone tried to tell her before this moment, she would have cursed them, rejecting the claim. But staring into Deckard’s soft, concerned gaze, she finally knew the truth.
Pulling her hand from his, Evylin took hold of Deckard’s face and kissed him. Their horses shied uncomfortably away from one another, keeping the caress light and quick.
“What was that for?” Deckard asked.
Evylin brushed her thumb across his stubbled jawline. “It was an apology.” His brow pinched together, so she explained. “I’m sorry I ever let Hewitt stand between us.”
Deckard’s lips parted to contradict her, but she held up a hand to refuse his objection.
“I loved my uncle more than anyone,” she said.
“Possibly more than life itself. And I’m only now realizing that if I hadn’t idolized him the way I did, I would have loved you—trusted you—far sooner.
We would have been happier. And you never would have cause to fear failing me. ”
“If you hadn’t regarded him so highly,” Deckard said determinedly, “you wouldn’t have married me.”
Evylin pressed her hand to his chest. “I already told you,” she said. “Whether we married then or months later, we would have ended up together. Had you asked to write to me, I would have said yes, and our marriage would have followed.”
“I would have failed my assignment and gone to Ostwatch,” he said.
“You still would have saved the prince,” she reminded.
“Carlile only selected us for the Alliance because of you.”
She rolled her eyes. “Fine,” she said. “Say you’re right, and you were assigned to Ostwatch. I would have married you even then.”
“I wouldn’t have asked.”
Evylin frowned. “Why not?”
His gaze was haunted as though envisioning that future. “I wouldn’t have brought you into that horrible life only to make you a widow.”
“You wouldn’t have died,” she said with a playful tug on his collar. “I would have demanded you let me come along, and I would have protected you. Then we both would have discovered our magic and made Ostwatch our kingdom.”
Deckard raised a brow skeptically.
With fondness, Evylin rubbed the crease between his eyes.
“With or without Hewitt,” she said, “I would have married you. But if we must live within the parameters that necessitate our marriage in the same timeline, then so be it. Either way, I shouldn’t have held onto him so tightly.
I should have trusted you with my whole heart the moment I realized how wonderful you were.
If I had, we would have been in love within weeks. ”
Though he didn’t look convinced, Deckard didn’t argue her claim.
“If I had loved him less,” she whispered with new understanding, “I would have loved you more.”
Disapprovingly, his eyes narrowed, and Evylin smirked, amused at his dedication to the surly veteran-turned-smith. Seeing that he didn’t understand, she said, “Because of Hewitt, I never told you about Ryen.”
Deckard’s expression shifted then, and Evylin realized that he already knew. Somehow, he’d learned of her beloved cousin without her uttering a word.
“He told you?” she asked.
He dipped his chin in confirmation.
“Hewitt was my replacement for him,” she explained.
“He was the only thing that kept my broken heart beating. And as I grew older, I never let go. I never recovered from the loss of Ryen. I clung to him through Hewitt as though I could keep him alive by sheer will. And when you showed up, you threatened my love for him.”
In surprise, Deckard drew his shoulders back.
“I was so afraid of you,” Evylin whispered. “Of how much I liked you. My heart was ready to be yours—to let you mend the brokenness that kept me from loving others. And that frightened me. Even as I began to love you, I held myself back from you because I couldn’t fathom letting Ryen go.”
Evylin caught both of his hands in hers.
“In another life,” she whispered, “one where I wasn’t so afraid, where Hewitt wasn’t my everything—my heart would have been yours within weeks.
Not because Hewitt stood in our way himself, but because I used him as a shield against you.
I hid behind him because he was my memory of the boy I lost too soon.
In that other life, I wouldn’t have feared giving myself to you because I wouldn’t have clung to the brokenness of my past.
“And now,” Evylin sighed, shaking her head even as she held his gaze, “you think you can’t make me happy without him.
That our love is because of him.” She squeezed his hands.
“It’s not true. I would have loved you with or without Hewitt’s support.
I will always love you—with or without him beside us.
And you have made me happier than I ever imagined in only four months’ time. ”
The moment the flow of her words came to an end, Deckard kissed her again. A shiver raced down her spine at his fervency. Bursts of joy and affection erupted between them. Heat coiled within her chest. She could feel every ounce of his love pulsating within her.
Evylin angled closer to him, but the horses snorted their complaints. Deckard pulled back, reaching for her waist even as she was preparing to swing her leg over the saddle so she could join him on his horse.
“Hey!” Thom’s voice echoed through the trees.
They both froze in mid-motion. Far up the road, Thom waited, a sly grin on his lips. “You two mind finishing this up later?” he said. “We’ve got somewhere to be.”
With a chuckle, Evylin settled back down on her own saddle. But Deckard waved his brother away. “We’ll be right there,” he promised.
Though he eyed them with dubious amusement, Thom guided his horse around and cantered away.
Evylin turned back to Deckard as he brushed her hair behind her ear. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“Am I sure of what?” she replied, mind still slightly muddled by their kisses.
“Are you sure that you’re happy?” he said. “Are you sure that you’ll be all right without him?”
Evylin took a deep breath, her heart squeezing at the thought. But she said, “Yes. I will miss him—desperately. But I have you, and I know I’ll be more than all right with you by my side.”