23. Chapter 23
Charlotte
Sitting on the sofa with an iced coffee in one hand and my brand-new journal in the other, I get to work on writing my thoughts and feelings about what’s happened.
I write about my parents, my guilt and grief—although, I’m going to do better on the guilt front, I promise—and I write about the lack of memories my brain has conjured up so far.
I’m trying not to be so hard on myself, but I genuinely thought I would have had something by now, even if it was just a wisp.
I go back to this morning when I shouted at Jake and he shouted back: I’m grieving for the friendship we used to have, for the Lottie I know is still in there somewhere. I grieve every day that you can’t fucking remember me.
I’ve been so caught up in how everything is affecting me, I haven’t really stopped to think about him. I thought I was doing him a favor by shutting him out, and now I see how very wrong I’ve been. I feel sick to my stomach at how I’ve treated him when all he’s wanted is his best friend back.
A loud crash of thunder jolts me from my thoughts, the noise so loud it startles Bella and she comes rushing over. Lifting her up onto the sofa, she burrows under my blanket and shakes. My girl does not like storms.
I journal for a while longer before I pick my iPad back up. I've been working on a new author's cover, playing catch-up with my work. Luckily for me, Alyssa managed to contact everyone while I was out of action.
I’m flicking through the author’s Pinterest mood boards to get some more ideas to send back to her when my phone dings with a message.
Jake - Donuts or Cookies?
That’s all it says. I don’t know what context he’s asking. Is he buying some? Or is he just asking hypothetically?
Charlotte - Random but if I had to pick one, I’d say maybe donuts? I know they’re your favorite.
How do I know that? I think and think, and then, like the flash of lightning outside, it comes to me—a film playing out in my brain.
Age 18
“What’s the one food you couldn't live without?” Jake asks from the corner of my bed.
He always does this, asks me the most random questions.
But I live for them. We’re chilling out in my dorm after one of Jake’s hockey games, ready to watch a movie—it’s become our ritual.
He could be at parties, but he chooses to hang with me instead. That brings a smile to my face.
“Hmm, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it. Maybe my grandma’s red velvet cake she used to make for my birthday? What about you?”
He goes quiet for a while, finger tapping against his lip as if giving his answer some serious consideration.
“I’m going with donuts because, one, they’re delicious, and, two, they come in so many different flavors you would never get bored.”
Huh, I wasn’t expecting that from Mr. Fitness, but I suppose everyone has their weakness.
“So, if someone asked you to pick between donuts and cookies, it’s donuts all the way?” I ask. I honestly don’t know how I’d pick between the two.
“Here’s the trick, Lotts, you get a donut with cookie pieces on it. Best of both worlds,” he says smugly.
I roll my eyes. What a genius.
My phone dings again, bringing me out of the memory. Before I answer, I quickly scribble down the details in my journal, so elated I’ve finally remembered something. I then check my phone, knowing Jake will have picked up on my memory too.
Jake - Lottie, how did you know that? Did you remember? Donuts it is. I’m on my way back with the goods.
Thirty minutes later, he’s back with enough food to feed a small army.
What on earth is going on? I take a good look at him as he brings in the groceries; his shirt is stuck to him like a second skin, and the water droplets cling to his hair.
I can feel that tingle in my belly, heat rising through me, forcing me to look away before I get caught staring.
“Uhm, Jake, what’s all this? We have loads of food already,” I’m genuinely confused by what’s going on right now.
“I know, but these are all provisions for a movie marathon,” he looks at me like I should know exactly what he’s talking about. I just stare at him, dumbfounded.
“A movie marathon?” I repeat back like a parrot.
“Yep, the weather outside is shit and shows no sign of clearing up, so I thought we could binge Harry Potter. We all know how long that takes, hence the snacks.” He’s so proud of himself right now, and to be honest ,it sounds just like what I need.
“Ok, so what snacks did you get? I’m guessing donuts, judging by your text?”
“I did get some donuts; I got a dozen different donuts from our favorite donut shop for us to taste test.”
Jesus, I hope there’s a sick bucket nearby.
“I also can’t believe you remembered they’re my favorite. Did it trigger a memory?”
I nod enthusiastically and go on to tell him how I remembered us discussing it in my dorm years ago. His eyes grow wide and slightly glassy, the grin that takes over threatens to split his face in two.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am you’ve remembered something, no matter how small it is.”
Night has started to fall as we watch The Goblet of Fire with takeout pizza and soda, and honestly, I cannot remember a time when I’ve been this relaxed.
We’re settled on the sofa with all the blinds closed and just my fairy lights on.
It’s almost, dare I say it, romantic? Jake’s got my feet in his lap and he’s running his hands up and down my legs, almost like it’s a reflex and he doesn't even realize he’s doing it.
I’m not ashamed to say I like it. I really like it.
Focusing back on the screen, I really try to keep it together as Robert Pattinson is killed off right in front of my eyes. I quickly blink away my tears, but it’s no good, I can’t help it.
Opening my eyes after what feels like five minutes, I find out I’ve actually been asleep for a good couple of hours and have missed most of The Order of the Phoenix, which annoys me to no end—that’s my favorite one.
My bladder is protesting after being sat for so long, and I look over at Jake, who’s snoring softly next to me.
He looks so peaceful, but I need to wake him up.
Nudging him with my foot, he startles next to me.
He looks so beautiful, full of sleep and rumpled hair as he takes me in.
All these new feelings are swirling around me, and it makes me wonder: are they actually new?
We’ve been sitting here for over 12 hours now and still have three more films to watch. It’s past midnight and I really don’t know if I’m going to make it, but Jake is adamant we finish the series as we have nowhere to be tomorrow. I can’t remember the last time I pulled an all-nighter.
“You better make me some coffee and bring those donuts over if you want to finish this binge then, I’m about to pass out.”
There are another seven or so hours left. Bella gave up a long time ago and took herself to bed. Whilst Jake makes the coffee and grabs the donuts, I think about how much better I already feel. Jake makes everything better, and somehow, I know he always has.