59. Noah
59
Noah
M y fingers clutch the single stem of the pink tulip I just picked up from the East View Florist, and I hold it to my chest as I pull up at my mom’s house. Her car’s gone, and I let out a breath of relief. This isn’t exactly a conversation I want to have with her listening in.
This shit is already hard enough.
It’s been three days since Zoey sat out on the roof with me, pouring her heart out and telling me her hopes and dreams for the future I’m supposed to have without her. She made me promise that I wouldn’t fall back into the darkness that consumed me after Linc died, and while I couldn’t get the words out that night, I’m going to do everything in my power to try and keep my head above water. If she needs me to promise her this one thing, then I will. Besides, how could I possibly let her down like that? She’s fought so hard to get this far, so the least I can do is allow her to leave this world with the knowledge that I’m going to be alright.
There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Zoey, for my wife.
These past few days have been gut-wrenching. Her organs are quickly succumbing to her illness and shutting down, and while she smiles for me every time I walk into a room, I know she’s in agony. Her fingers are swelling, and she can hardly move, hardly keep her eyes open, and while I want to hold on to her forever, keep her here for my own selfish needs, I need to let her go so she can finally be at peace.
She doesn’t have much longer. I overheard Kelly mention to Zoey’s parents that it could be as soon as tomorrow, which is exactly why I’m here.
Clutching the single pink tulip, I push out of my car and make my way up the familiar path to my mom’s front door before welcoming myself in. I walk into the small foyer and cross through the living room before heading down the hall.
I stop at Linc’s bedroom as the heaviness weighs down on my shoulders.
How the hell did we get here?
This isn’t how this was supposed to play out. She’s only eighteen. She’s barely had a chance to live. I was supposed to give her the world, build a home together, and watch her belly swell with our growing babies. And now when I stare up into the stands on game day, I’ll be looking at nothing but an empty seat.
Pushing past the threshold of Lincoln’s bedroom, I take a deep breath, positive I can still smell him in here. It feels as though a lifetime has passed since I last saw his face, yet it also feels like it was just yesterday.
It’s funny how grief can come up and sucker punch you right in the gut. Just when you think you’re doing okay, something happens and you’re all the way back at square one, down on your knees, unable to breathe. That’s what it feels like mourning my little brother. It’s been almost five years, and while it’s gotten easier to get through each day, it still hurts all the damn time.
Fuck, I can’t even wrap my head around how much it’s going to hurt to mourn Zoey.
Walking around Linc’s room, my fingers skim across his desk, scanning over the papers and photographs I’ve looked at a million times before finally dropping down on the edge of his bed, Zoey’s tulip still clutched tightly between my fingers.
Bracing my elbows on my knees, I lean forward, taking shaky breaths and willing myself not to cry—not here, not in this room. “Linc, I . . . I know I’m not in any position to be asking favors from you. I was never the greatest brother. I let you down over and over again, especially after you were gone. I hurt the people I love, Zoey more than anyone,” I say, clenching my jaw and needing a minute to find just a shred of strength to continue. “I know you’re watching over us. There are times when I feel you and it’s as though I could swear you were right there in the room with me. I know you see what’s happening with Zoey. It won’t be long, and she’ll be up there with you, and despite how much I want to hold on to her, she needs to go to be free. She’s in pain, Linc, and it fucking kills me seeing her like that, but I need to know—” I pause, my voice beginning to waver. “I need to know that you’re going to watch out for her. She’s scared. Fucking terrified. She doesn’t know what’s coming for her, but you can help her. Take her hand and guide her through it. Please. Help her find her purpose in this next life, help her to let go, help her to know peace.”
Tears well in my eyes, and I hang my head, taking a few short breaths when my phone cuts through the silence. I dig into my pocket, pulling it out to find Henry’s name flashing across the screen, and my heart contracts as I bring the phone to my ear.
“What’s up? Is everything okay?” I rush out, not bothering with formalities.
“Noah, I . . . It’s time,” he tells me, his voice thick with grief. “You need to come home to her.”
My phone falls away, clattering to the ground as my hands start to shake.
No.
No, this can’t be right.
I’m not ready.
We were supposed to have another day. She was supposed to spend the day in my arms so I could tell her over and over again just how much I’ve loved her all of these years. I need to tell her how my heart races every time she looks at me, how her smile alone could bring me to my knees, and how much I’m going to cherish the time we spent together.
We were supposed to have more time.
I don’t remember leaving Linc’s room, but one second I’m on the phone with Zoey’s father, and the next, I’m racing down the street, pushing my Camaro to its limits. All I know is that she’s dying, that it’s time for her to go, and I’m not there holding her hand like I always promised.
I drive on auto-pilot careening through the morning traffic until my tires screech to a stop outside Zoey’s home, and then I’m running.
My feet pound against the pavement, sending me flying toward the front door when I grasp the handle and throw it open. I’m up the stairs in seconds, and just as I reach her bedroom door, I pause, terrified of what I’m about to see.
The door is open, and I hear Erica’s muffled cries, but when Zoey’s pained tone fills the room, it puts me back into motion. “Where’s Noah?”
“I’m here, baby,” I whisper, striding through the door and taking her in.
Those green eyes I love so fiercely are dull, quickly fading as Hazel lies in bed with her, the two of them snuggled in close. Zoey’s parents hover on her other side, and as I walk in beside her bed, Hazel pulls out of Zoey’s arms, giving me space.
“Come on,” Erica sniffles, her hand on Hazel’s shoulder. “Let’s give them a minute.”
Zoey’s eyes don’t leave mine, and I can only imagine what she’s seeing there. Pain. Despair. Agony. Heartbreak. Emptiness.
Zoey’s family walks out, but I hear them hovering by the door, not wanting to go far as I climb right into Zoey’s bed, pulling her into my arms and holding her to me, struggling to keep myself together. She doesn’t need to see me break. I need to be strong for her. I need to give her the strength so that she can pass on with peace, knowing that I’m going to be alright.
“I’m sorry,” she cries.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Zozo.”
“I . . . I think . . . I think it’s time,” she tells me, her voice breaking.
“I know,” I say, holding her even tighter, my hands gently brushing over her skin, desperately trying to soothe her. “You’re going to be okay, Zo. I don’t want you to be scared.”
Her tears soak into my shirt, and they destroy me as the grief doubles down, constricting around my chest like a vise. “I’m terrified,” she whispers. “I’m not ready to let you go.”
“You won’t. I’m going to be right here, holding you the whole time. I’ll never let you go,” I vow to her, my voice trembling. “And then when you close your eyes and feel peace come over you, Linc will be waiting. He’ll guide you through.”
“Do you really think so?”
“I know so,” I promise her. “He’s going to watch over you until I get there, but just know that when I do, I’m going to run to you, Zo. I’m going to run so fucking fast, right back into your arms, and we’ll be together, just as we were always meant to be.”
She nods against my chest, reaching up to wipe her tears. “Not goodbye,” she whimpers. “Just see you later.”
“Exactly. It’s never goodbye.”
She takes gasping breaths, her crying making her even more uncomfortable, and I try to soothe her the best I can, but I’m breaking, feeling her beginning to slip away. She reaches back against her pillow before taking something in her hand.
She turns back to me, those fading eyes gazing up at me. “I want you to have this,” she says, taking my hand and dropping a long chain into it. Reluctantly pulling my gaze away from hers, I look down at my open palm and see the two rings that represent the short-lived marriage between us. They’re looped through the delicate chain I gifted her on her seventeenth birthday, and I instantly curl my fingers around it.
“Zoey, I—”
“Don’t,” she says. “I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t want them buried and forgotten with me. I want . . . I want you to have them. These are the most precious things I have. They represent you and me, Noah. I need you to keep them safe for me. Treasure them the same way you’ve treasured me.”
I nod, barely able to get the words out.
“I need you to be okay,” she begs me. “Promise me, you won’t fall into the darkness.”
“I promise, Zo.”
“And when you have kids,” she continues in a broken cry. “Will you tell them about me? About how much you loved me?”
My hold tightens around her slender body as I press my lips to her temple, terrified to let go. “Every day of my life,” I vow to her.
She whimpers, snuggling her face into the curve of my neck. “I . . . I love you, Noah.”
“I love you, too, Zo,” I say, hot tears welling in my eyes as I struggle to hold on. “You’re my bestest friend , right from the beginning. You’ve mesmerized me, held me captive for eighteen years, and been the other half of me. Just like you said in your vows, baby. We’re twin flames, and I promise you, no matter where you are or what happens next, I will find you . Don’t be scared, Zo. I’ve got you.”
I feel her nod against my skin, and as she starts to relax in my arms, my tears flow over.
Her parents peer back into her room, and I nod, letting them know it’s time to come back, that she doesn’t have much time left—minutes maybe.
Her mom stands at her bedside, grasping her hand, her thumb brushing back and forth over her knuckles as her father drops to his knees, his hand resting against her thigh. Hazel stands between them, tears streaming down her face. “I love you, Zo,” she croaks.
Zoey offers her a beaming smile. “I want you to fly, Hazel,” she tells her. “You can be anything you want to be. Don’t think about those silly boys who don’t deserve you, don’t settle for anyone unless you know he’d have Linc’s stamp of approval, okay?” Zoey pauses, needing to catch her breath. “Live your life like it’s the greatest adventure. Treasure every day just as much as I’ve always treasured you.”
Hazel shatters, sobbing hard as she crushes herself into her mother’s side.
Zoey closes her eyes, absolutely exhausted, and as I listen to her shallow breaths, I tell her all about our lives together, wanting her to go with love and happiness, remembering all the incredible times we shared together.
“Do you remember when you were eight, and I forced Mom to bring you on our family trip to the beach? You made me dig a massive hole, and just when I thought we were about to throw Linc into it, you pushed me right in and tried to fill it up before I could get out.”
Zoey smiles and nods against my chest, taking soft, shallow breaths.
“I had the best day with you then. It’s one of my favorites.”
“Mmm, what else?” she whispers.
“When you were twelve and Huxley Brayford tried to kiss you—”
“You punched him so hard.”
“Yeah,” I say, remembering it all too well. “I punched him so hard I broke three of my fingers, and it hurt so bad, but I never told you that. I didn’t want you to think I was weak. I spent that whole night in the emergency room, but it was worth it.”
“You kissed me the next day,” she murmurs, her hand falling from my chest, but I quickly scoop it up and hold it there for her. “A real kiss. Not one of those small pecks you’d always given me before.”
“Apart from the kiss I gave you after we exchanged our vows, that’s still one of my favorites because it was the day I realized that no other lips were going to be enough for me, only yours, Zo.”
Over the next ten minutes, I recap every milestone of our relationship, remembering the day I realized that it was so much more than just a crush, the day I first told her I was in love with her, and the day I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. I recall exactly how she looked in each of those moments, the way her eyes lit up when I whispered those sweet words to her, the way she clung to me, knowing that I would always protect her, right until we were old and gray. Even then as kids, we knew that what we had was rare. It was eternal, and we held on to it with everything we had.
Then as her breathing becomes so damn shallow that I can barely hear it anymore, I simply press my lips to her temple, my fingers laced through hers. “Remember to dance among the stars, baby,” I tell her, desperately wishing that if she can’t stay here with me, that I could somehow find a way to go with her, to run headfirst into our next adventure hand in hand. “Be the sun in the sky.”
“Noah—”
“It’s okay, Zozo. I’ve got you,” I whisper over the lump in my throat, my chest constricting with the most horrendous, soul-shattering agony. “You can let go now.”
She nods ever so slightly, and as I press my lips to hers in one final, agonizing kiss, her father’s words fill the air. “Soar, my sweet angel. Be free.”
With that, Zoey Ryan, the love of my life, my bestest friend, slips away, and that invisible tether that’s existed since the moment I first met her is severed, and everything in my world just . . . stops.