Prologue
It’s been months since I last saw Faith.
I have a lot of free time, and she’s the only thing on my mind.
I’m stuck in this recliner as I recover from ACL surgery, and my mind keeps going back to her face.
Those sky-blue eyes pierce my memories. When I saw her last, her hair was short and full of blonde highlights.
She wore that dress showcasing her cinched waist—her ass begging to be squeezed. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her.
The image of her is seared into my memory, and what I thought was important a year ago means nothing to me now.
I sit here alone in my childhood home. My friends are out in Utah until the end of season while I’m back at home, twiddling my thumbs, and watching every action movie I can find on Netflix.
It really pisses me off. I landed myself in the hospital after trying that sick trick on the slopes. But I went for it. Taking risks is my middle name. I’m in shape—healthy. I should have landed that with no problem. Yet, here I am, busted up and left with nothing but my thoughts. Not a good thing.
Last year was hard; I loved Faith. Truthfully, I still love her.
She was my everything, but I had an impossible choice.
Leave her hanging on, knowing I wouldn’t have time to dedicate to our relationship, or let her go—like my friends suggested.
When I think about it, sure, distance would have been difficult, but we would’ve figured it out.
I shouldn’t have let my friends get in my head.
I was stupid, and peer pressure got the best of me.
I truly thought I was doing right by her, even if it hurt me.
Now, after all the time without her, I understand I fucked us both.
My stomach turns as memories of Faith sweep through my thoughts.
Here, everything reminds me of her. At least I could pretend when I was in Utah.
I didn’t constantly see things that had Faith written all over them.
This house feels different—empty. Faith isn’t here filling the space with her love and support.
I miss her like crazy. My heart is missing a piece.
The piece that Faith has, yet she probably doesn’t know it—or believe it.
As I hold her old promise ring in my palm, I can’t help but think about her.
I’ve kept it with me ever since she left it on the dining room table.
It’s a painful reminder of her, what happened, and how you can’t take things back.
I just have to live with the mistakes, even though it feels like I’m being torn apart from the inside out.
If I could talk to her, maybe I could fix things with us.
Who am I kidding? That’s not an option; she changed her number months ago.
While in Utah, I had plenty of distractions to keep from dwelling on her.
Now that I’m home, it’s like I’m stuck in this prison of all my mistakes.
My chest constricts, and it’s hard to breathe.
The regrets spin inside my head, and I desperately wish I could go back in time and change my actions. Is she hurting like I am?
How is college treating her?
After everything…should I have postponed leaving her or checked on her…at the very least?
I would give anything to talk to her, apologize, and make everything right. A growl escapes me as I throw my head backward against the chair.
My sister, Eve, comes barreling through the doorway and interrupts my thoughts. I didn’t even hear her come into the house.
“Hey, what’s up?” She told me that she’d be coming over to visit today. We’re incredibly close and share everything. Well, except one thing, but we aren’t getting into that conversation right now.
“Checking on my favorite brother.” She thinks she’s so funny. I’m her only brother.
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks for visiting, favorite sister.” We hug each other. And I realize that’s just what I needed.
I’m having such a hard time with life. My sister’s perspective always seems to help when I can’t get my head out of my ass, so I’m grateful she’s here. She takes a seat as I run my fingers through my hair.
“You look like shit, dude. What’s going on?” she asks, concern furrowing her brow.
Tell it like it is sis, but fuck, I’m in a dark place. It’s like, one by one, everything I love is being taken away from me. First it was Faith, now snowboarding, what’s next?
“Where do I start? Sitting at home doing nothing is not helping. I’m going crazy.” I rub my hands over my exhausted face.
Eve gets back up and comes closer. She grabs hold of my hand and says, “Snowboarding was your life. I know how much you love it. Life throws us curve balls, and we adjust. I know your best friends are in Utah, but there are friends here, too. You can reach out to them.”
She’s right, but it’s hard being laid up while your friends are out living their dreams—my dream.
“I know,” I say and pick up my phone, pondering my next move.
“Mom mentioned that your physical therapy is going smoothly, despite sitting around all day.”
Physical therapy is going well, but when I found out I’d need to have six months of it, I about laughed in my doctor’s face.
I’m already exhausted from it, and it’s only been a few weeks.
It’s taken everything out of me, physically, and that in addition to everything weighing me down mentally… well, it’s just a lot to handle.
“Yes, and I have no life. Stuck in this cycle of bullshit.”
“What about digging out your lyric book? You’re so talented, don’t let it go to waste. You and your friends used to sit around for hours running through lyrics. Call them.”
It’s different now. Those are things I enjoyed doing with Faith by my side.
I was motivated, and now I feel like I have nothing—no drive, no motivation, no inspiration.
She was my inspiration. Life was better when she was in it.
Now she’s gone, and I’m dealing with these damn injuries.
The mental strain is too much. That’s why I started writing letters to Faith, even though she will probably never read them.
I just need to let out all the thoughts and regrets bouncing around in my head.
“I’ve been writing letters to Faith,” I say, anxiously awaiting my sister’s response. I’m not sure how she’ll take it.
“Oh, Jude. Why don’t you go see her?” she asks, shaking her head at me.
I want to say, I’m a chickenshit. But I stick with the simple answer.
“She doesn’t want to see me. If she did, one of us would have heard from her. But she distanced herself from all of us. When was the last time you saw her?”
“Christmas. Maybe she thinks you don’t want to see or hear from her? It’s logical. You broke up with her, Jude. Take a chance and just do it.”
Even with my sister’s encouragement, I still can’t bring myself to reach out. I’ll stick with writing my letters. There’s a large stack sitting on my desk. When I sit down to write them, my body remembers her every touch, her words, and her love. It’s the last thread of connection I have to her.
A frustrated sigh comes out of my mouth. “Nah, I’m not ready. I’m not sure if I ever will be.”
I swipe Faith’s ring from the table and twirl it around my finger. I can’t help but think about when I first slid it out of my pocket and gave it to her. Her eyes lit up, and she jumped into my arms.
Ugh. Here I go, lost in my thoughts, again.
I just want to stay in that moment forever. We were so happy, and I ruined it.
I’m shocked back to the present when my sister says, “It’s your decision, but you need to stop torturing yourself.” She points to the ring. “Put it away.”
I ignore her, keeping the ring in the palm of my hand.
“Just promise me you’ll let me know if I can help, okay?” Eve says, brushing her hand lightly against my arm.
There might be one thing she can do…
I have an idea for a new tattoo that I’ve been kicking around.
Maybe Eve will bring me. I can’t tell her what it is.
She’ll tell me not to do it. The Claddagh and Celtic knot are a perfect representation of what I’ve lost and what I want to remember every day for the rest of my life.
Yeah, it might be torture. Maybe I deserve it. Faith was mine, and I let her go.
“Will you bring me to Inked sometime? I’m itching to get another tattoo,” I say, looking at Eve as her eyes light up. She’s always loved tattoos, too. We’ve been to the small tattoo shop a few times together.
“I can do that,” Eve says. “When are you thinking?” She swipes the ring from my hand playfully and twirls it around her own finger.
A mischievous smile spreads across my face, knowing she won’t be able to resist. “How about now?” I ask, raising my brows.
Eve shrugs and lets out a quick scoff. “Guess we’re going to Inked.”