Chapter 7 Faith
SEVEN
FAITH
“Oh, we still need to get reservations for dinner tonight. I’ll walk over and do that,” I say as I swing my legs off the lounge chair and grab my flip-flops. The sand is warm under my feet, and I wiggle my toes beneath it.
“Girl, that would be great. Let’s do the hibachi place at six,” Kendall says as she pulls at her long, red hair and twists it over her shoulder.
“Ok I’ll take care of it.” I decide to take the route along the water that will bring me to the beach entrance.
It feels better than trekking up and through the resort.
I stroll toward the shoreline where the packed sand feels firm beneath my feet.
Each time a wave rolls in, the sand softens, and my feet begin to sink a bit with every step.
The light spray of the water cools my legs, and I pause to take in the breathtaking view of the horizon with the shimmering water, vast blue sky, and bright sun overhead.
Off to the left, an airplane glides downward, its path leading to the nearby airport.
The beach and the ocean—complete with boats gliding along the water—make the perfect backdrop to take a selfie for Kai. I snap a few and pick the best one to send to him.
Faith:
Proof I’m here and it’s gorgeous.
I send the photo and then slip my phone back in the bag as I walk leisurely toward the resort. Laughing and splashing echoes in the warm air around me, and I catch a glimpse of the excited group of people in my peripheral vision.
A loud bellow fills the air as a man rushes toward the ocean, feet kicking up sand in his wake as his friends cheer him on.
The man is clearly the life of the party.
As I get closer, I realize he’s also my ex.
I take in his chiseled-to-perfection body just as he collides with the water, and it splashes everyone nearby.
Shouting and hollering erupts from the group again. They are really enjoying themselves.
Just as I start to look away from staring at him, he stands up, and we make eye contact. We stare at each other, still as statues, taking each other in. Without breaking from my gaze, he wades through the water until he reaches the sand and struts toward me.
Is he seriously coming over here?
It seems impossible, yet here he is, closing the distance. My heart skips a beat as I watch him get closer with every step. Maybe I'm just imagining this magnetic pull between us, but I can't shake the feeling that it's real. It's a ridiculous thought, but one I can't entirely dismiss.
I find myself frozen in place as he approaches, and my heart flutters with both excitement and fear.
He's coming closer, and I can't decide whether to stand my ground or retreat.
As he nears, I instinctively take a small step back, uncertain if the heat flooding my body is from his presence or the blazing sun above.
“Hey!” he says casually, like we’ve been friends for years. His posture is relaxed. His voice rattles through me, and there’s no doubt in my mind, it’s him.
“Hi.” What else am I supposed to say? Should I start a whole conversation right here on the beach while his wedding party is in the water? I stand there and look around, distracting myself and hoping this will be quick.
“Are you enjoying the beach? The water is gorgeous, you should go in.”
I take my scrunchie out of my messy bun, run my fingers through my hair, and then put it back up.
“I did a little while ago; it was glorious. My friends and I spent the day on the beach with lunch service. I’m heading to make reservations for dinner.
” I look over at his group of friends. “I don’t want to keep you. ”
"Oh, not a problem. I spotted you and couldn't resist coming over to say hello," he says as his eyes sweep over me and a warm, genuine smile spreads across his face.
My fight-or-flight instinct is screaming at me to run. His presence is overwhelming. It’s such a captivating aura, and I'm caught between wanting to escape and being drawn into him like a firefly to light. His gaze creates a wildfire in my body, making my face flush, and it’s almost unbearable.
Oh boy! Get a handle on yourself.
My carefully constructed walls are starting to crumble as sparks fly between the two of us—or, at least, it feels like sparks are flying. I have to be imagining things. My mind is conjuring up my old hopes and dreams that never saw the light of day.
Even though I assume it’s all in my convoluted head…Things aren’t adding up. If it’s truly all in my head, why wouldn’t he just wave? Why make the effort to come all the way over? Maybe he wanted to see me…
My god! Just stop overanalyzing everything.
His fiancée is literally feet away. He’s clearly just trying to be friendly.
The salty breeze picks up, sending my hair flying across my face.
Before I can wipe it away, Jude reaches up and tucks it behind my ear.
His fingers linger on my ear for a few seconds, and my eyes close slightly until I feel the loss of his touch.
I wanted to lean into his touch. An awkward silence ensues as we search each other’s eyes.
What was that?
It reminded me of what he used to do—he’d sweep hair off my face, hold both sides of my face, and lean down to place the gentlest kiss…oh, how I want him to kiss me like he used to. He made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Except he’s not mine anymore.
My heart almost stops, and I swallow hard. Breaking the silence, I say, “I’ve gotta get to um…concierge…and you should get back to your friends.”
A guy with blond hair and toned abs jogs over to Jude and slings his arm around his neck. “You’re up, man.” He turns to me and says, “Since this guy isn’t going to introduce us, I’m Max, his best friend.”
I shake his outstretched hand and say, “Nice to meet you, Max. I’ll let you guys get back to it.”
“Oh, yeah, ok. It was really nice talking with you. Hopefully, we will see you again,” Jude mutters.
“Uh, yeah…you too.”
What else was I supposed to say?
Please stop seeking me out and talking to me.
As I turn and walk away, I roll my eyes and shake my head at myself. Holes are being poked into the avoidance plan.
The resort entrance is a few steps away.
The stairs lead me up to the pool area where there’s a free seat.
Making my way over, I throw myself in the seat and lie back.
My mind is racing and searching for answers to what just happened.
I have real feelings for him. I already knew this, but his presence changes everything.
It’s a whole new challenge for me, especially knowing he’s getting married.
One moment at a time. One day at a time. I got this!
The need to sort through my feelings tugs at me, hard.
My plan will get me through. I’ll go to the concierge, confirm dinner reservations, and head to my room.
I can hold it together until then, and then I’ll take some time to think and process.
Second-guessing my own progress when it comes to Jude, I realize I’m not exactly surprised; when you come face to face with the person who tore your heart into pieces and left you, of course things are going to be hard.
Can I skip the pain of all of this? Maybe I could run to the airport and completely avoid him. Ha! No, that’s not a good plan.
I’m not letting the presence of him ruin my time. I stand from the chair, throw down my flip flops, and slide them on. My flip-flops slap against the floor as I walk through the resort until I reach the lobby and see Remi at the concierge desk. He’s always so friendly.
“Good afternoon, Remi.”
His eyes brighten as I approach the front desk, “Good afternoon to you, Ms. Faith.”
“Can you help me make reservations for dinner tonight at the hibachi place?”
“I’d be happy to. How many?”
“Four people at six o’clock tonight would be perfect. Is that time available?
He moves closer to his computer and clicks his mouse a couple times, scans the screen, “Yes, we can do that. Getting your reservation confirmed; just give me a minute to put in all the information.”
“Thank you.” I smile politely, grateful it was quick and painless.
“You are all set. They will see you at six. Enjoy your dinner and the rest of your day.”
“You too!”
As I make my way to the leave lobby, I’m compelled to finally write in my journal.
I won’t make it the rest of the day without putting my thoughts down on paper.
It’s my go-to coping mechanism. In no time, I’m standing at my hotel door.
Opening it up, I walk in and throw my bag on the floor and fling myself on the bed.
I lie there, staring up at the ceiling and trying to collect my thoughts.
I reluctantly roll off the bed, snag my journal and pen, and sit in the chair with my feet on the ottoman.
A deep breath exhales out of me as I open it up to a new page and start writing:
I think I’m in shock that, after almost twelve years, my ex is in Aruba. It felt good to be in his arms this morning—even though it was only because I ran into him. It transported me back to when we were together and everything was right in the world. His love was right for me.
Then there’s Klara, his fiancée; how can I even be sad or hurt by this?
Oh yeah, it’s because I still love him, and no one can live up to that love.
What a way to live life—comparing every man to Jude!
What is wrong with me? Maybe now I can move on and have closure.
There’s no chance for us to ever get back together again. He’s getting married.
I suddenly remember the box in my closet that’s full of notes he wrote me and pictures of us. I may have given back the claddagh promise ring when Jude broke up with me, but I still have so many other memories.
I haven't felt deep, unconditional love for anyone else.
I’m all alone, and the sadness sinks into my body.
I’m feeling like I will never get over him, and now he is here…
How can I avoid him? My heart can’t take any more pieces breaking off, and that’s exactly what happened when he touched my face. Another little piece of my heart broke off for what we can’t have together. He found his person, and I’m over here with no one to call, hang out with, love…
I’m feeling hurt all over again. Seeing him brings back all those feelings.
Jude was my everything
My love.
My soul.
My friend.
Tomorrow will be better. I won’t be at the resort. It will give me some perspective. Then I’ll just avoid him the rest of the time that I’m here. What else can I do?
Tears flow from my eyes. I reach over to the table and grab a tissue to wipe the tears off my face and neck. They don’t seem to want to stop. My body shakes as I cry uncontrollably. I crawl to the bed, pulling the soft blankets around me and burying my face deep into the pillows.
Crying is good therapy.
Flickering my eyes open, I realize I must have cried myself to sleep. The fog dissipates as I gain my bearings. I’m in the hotel bed. What time is it? I pull my phone to look at the time. Oh, it’s only been an hour since I left my friends.
I start a group text to the girls.
Faith:
Reservations made. I’m in my room and will be back soon. I needed some alone time after running into Jude. Yes, I’ll fill you guys in later ;)
All that crying shed some of the pent-up emotions, but it left me feeling exhausted. Listening to my body, I go lie back down and rest.