Chapter 19 Faith
NINETEEN
FAITH
I’ve been thinking about the pros and cons of meeting him, and I’ve even mentally made a list…
Pros for meeting up with Jude:
1. Closure. After all these years, I’ll have answers.
2. He’s a good guy, attentive, caring.
3. He’s gorgeous.
4. I pictured a life with him twelve years ago, so why not just see what he has to say?
But then there’s my con list…
Meeting up with Jude—the cons:
1. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to get hurt again.
2. Talking about our past may be therapeutic for me—or it could just leave me in a puddle of my own tears in front of the only man I’ve ever truly and deeply loved.
Ugh. This is so difficult.
“I need you all to talk this out with me. Jude was the topic of conversation for months—okay, years. Many, many years.”
“I know you. You’ve already gone through the pros and cons list,” Addison says while raising an eyebrow, knowing she’s right.
“I have, but I’m antsy about it.” I can’t stop fidgeting in my seat or with my napkin. It’s all-consuming. I’m surprised they aren’t trying to convince me to stay and telling me all the reasons I shouldn’t meet up with him.
“Go meet up with him. You’ve needed closure since we first met,” Kendall declares… like it’s a straightforward decision.
This situation is more complex than I could have imagined.
Are all these feelings bubbling up and pushing me to spend time with him just left over from the illusion of what we had when we were together?
Our past is full of hurt, disappointment, and lots of questions.
Meeting up with him gives me the time and space to ask them all.
It’s time to get some answers and be able to move on with my life—including my love life.
He doesn’t even know, but the thought of him has kept me at a standstill in my love life. I compare every guy I date to him—and no one measures up.
It’s like Kendall lives in my head. As I take a deep breath and breathe it out, I say, “That’s exactly what I was thinking. He might give me some answers to my most important questions. Mostly, why?”
Why did we break up?
Why did he leave?
Why did he not call me after the abortion?
There it is, the crux of all of this. He completely abandoned me when I needed him the most. A stray tear flows out of my eye and down my cheek. As I wipe it away, it reminds me of all the hurt I felt for so many years.
The resort hums around us as we sit, and they finish their desserts. Couples walk by holding hands or with their arms wrapped around each other. Is it this place that’s making me want to meet up with him? Seeing happy couples all around me is not helping. Tonight is about moving on.
Closure.
“You won’t regret it. This is what you need. It’s your chance,” Kendall says, reiterating what she thinks is best for me.
I stare blankly at the sky. My world won’t end if I go. With that thought, the knot in my stomach loosens. Not knowing what will happen has me on edge, but I think I need to just go.
Lane takes my hands in hers and says, “Faith, there are times we need to put ourselves out there. This is one of them.”
“I’m not good at taking risks. You know I like to plan out everything,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Ah yes, we know you do. And this is one of those moments in your life that you need to step out and go for it. I believe if you let this moment go, you’ll regret it.” Lane squeezes my hand and rubs it.
“Closure sounds like exactly what I need,” I say, feeling more convinced I’m making the right decision.
I stand up and hook my bag onto my shoulder. “I’ll catch up with you guys later.”
“We’re here for you. Text us when you finish,” Kendall tells me with love and affection in her emerald-green eyes.
“That sounds perfect.” As I go around the table and hug my friends tightly, I say, “Thank you. I love you guys.”
I take a deep breath, push my shoulders back, and march out the restaurant door.
I walk with determination over to where Jude is sitting.
He looks freshly showered, and his hair is still damp as it flops to one side.
His black board shorts are paired with a Hawaiian-style button-down shirt.
Those tattooed biceps that are flexing with his every move has me doing a double take and scolding myself for staring extra-long.
I’m here for closure, but he is quite distracting to my eyes. Heat blooms in my core. Our eyes lock, and it feels like a magnet that’s pulling me toward him as he takes all the air out of my lungs.