Chapter 2.15 #3
Her eyes laughed and sparkled as she replied. “I remember. I know I had offended and upset you, but I was truly not inclined to dance.”
“You did not offend me and surely did not upset me—not in the way you believe. But that evening, Miss Bingley noticed our interaction, and she asked where my thoughts tended. I said I was thinking of your beautiful, sparkling eyes,” he concluded as she stared at him in disbelief, certain there must be some mistake.
“But… That happened so long ago…even before I attended Jane at Netherfield.”
“Yes… I imagine that was one of the reasons for her continued rudeness.”
“But…how is it possible? I never imagined that… I would never believe that… I noticed you often looked at me, but I was certain it was only to uncover my faults.”
He found nothing to say, as she looked very troubled. He knew he should find a way to calm her, but he could think of nothing proper. She was as surprised as he had been when he discovered his own error in his estimation of her feelings.
It was Elizabeth who continued to speak.
“It appears Miss Bingley is much more perceptive than I,” she confessed. “As was Charlotte—she told me many times that you might have a special interest in me.”
“Mrs Collins is a very wise woman.” Darcy smiled. “Miss Bingley—much less so.”
“Well, I cannot possibly speak of others’ wisdom since I am humbled by my own…”
“You must not judge yourself so harshly. I am ashamed to admit that, for a long time, I tried valiantly to conceal my interest in you. It appears that I was quite successful.”
They reached the top of the hill, and he stopped. He gently put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to look down at the view. She gasped then sighed deeply at the beauty spread at their feet. Her heart was filled with joy while her mind was in turmoil.
His palms continued to rest on her shoulders, and he was only a few inches behind her. She barely dared to breathe when he leaned and whispered to her, “I have always admired this view, but it has never seemed as beautiful as today.”
“Thank you,” she said a few moments later. “Thank you for bringing me here and showing me this beauty. I know you did it most willingly, but I still want to thank you.”
“You are most welcome.” He smiled. “I must thank you for joining me here. I did not dare hope you would really come. Do you want to sit for a few minutes?”
Elizabeth agreed, instantly feeling the loss of his touch and closeness.
He moved to Thunder, took a small blanket from the saddlebag, and spread it on the grass.
She was pleasantly surprised and smiled, blushing: he just said he dared not hope she would come, but he was prepared anyway—prepared for her.
She sat on a corner, allowing him space near her; he hesitated until she specifically asked him to join her. Then each of them turned to look straight ahead at the valley, both embarrassed by the solitude and intimacy.
“You have been successful, indeed,” she resumed their previous conversation. “I did not at all suspect that you might have a particular interest in me…”
He was surprised but seemed relieved that she decided to continue their delicate discussion. He stared at her another moment, then he averted his eyes towards the view in front of them, and she did the same as suddenly it was too hard to bear the other’s eyes.
“Not even when we met in London in January? Not even at the ball?”
“There were some indications that made me wonder, but I could not possibly be certain, and I did not dare presume… But may I ask—why did you try to conceal your interest? I mean—you did not hide it from Miss Bingley, after all…”
“I did not want to raise expectations. I was certain you were aware of my feelings and shared them…and at that time, I never considered I could marry someone outside my own circle… So I thought it would be only fair to keep a reasonable distance from you. What do you think of my vanity now? I was equally stupid and conceited.”
His voice became lower and more hesitant as though he were ashamed of his faults.
“Perhaps it was my fault, too. I must have done something to make you believe I sought your attentions.”
“No, it was not your fault at all,” he hurried to assure her. “It was my pride and my selfishness that made me believe what was most convenient for me. You are not to blame.”
“And…what made you change your mind?” she dared to inquire. “About marriage, I mean… Less than two months later you proposed…”
“I cannot say what changed my mind—what gesture or word or smile defeated my resistance. I just awoke one morning and realised my life would not be complete without you…and that it was my choice how my life would be. By that time, I was even more certain that you expected and would welcome my addresses, but I was wrong again—not about my wishes but about yours,” he said sadly.