Chapter Seven – Ryan
Sitting in the den, Ryan absorbed the silence, hating every moment.
A feeling he didn’t quite understand since on many occasions, the house was just as quiet.
But he knew Mom and Harley would arrive and fill his surroundings with girlness.
Mom momming and fussing over him and Dev, asking about their day, reminding them of chores, smiling and joking and somehow controlling the chaos of their lives.
Mom loved music. She liked to dance, though they all knew it was because of Aunt Meggie. That woman had some moves on her, infectious and fun-loving. Suppose she decided not to return?
Would Mom stay away too?
“Patricia found her suicide note and broke into the bathroom before she hurt herself.”
Those words, like so many others from the sick sex tape, played on repeat in Ryan’s head. Mainly about his mother. He didn’t know how to broach the subject with her. Apologize for what a motherfucker he’d been. Mom endured so much and still managed to love and smile and laugh.
He couldn’t say he was sorry without confessing everything, though. What he’d known. What he’d done.
And what about Harley?
He glanced around, zeroing in on her pillow and blanket, neatly folded and stacked on the bar counter.
How much he missed her shocked him. He missed her, but he especially longed for the old Harley.
The one who talked about target practice, almost single-handedly won a soccer game at his birthday party, and thought CJ hung the moon.
That Harley was the voice of reason, a sweet girl who laughed easily and loved life.
That Harley expected CJ to never turn his back on her.
Fuck, Ryan didn’t think CJ had it in him to turn his back on her. Just one of the many things he underestimated or read completely wrong.
If he’d felt sick with guilt and desolate night before last after watching CJ fall apart, Mom and Harley running away compounded the situation tenfold.
No, scratch that. Aunt Meggie running away made Ryan fear the next fallout. Whatever Uncle Christopher did was egregious enough that she’d actually left him.
Had he cheated? Or was it because Johnnie got Ryan to fuck with the recordings of Uncle Christopher and Torie that planted seeds of doubt that ballooned into this?
If they hadn’t fucked with Uncle Christopher’s marriage, things at the club wouldn’t have gotten so out-of-hand.
Maybe, Mom and Harley would still be home. Maybe, Molly would still be alive.
Accepting her death, knowing what he’d done, broke something in Ryan.
At the idea that he’d played a role in possibly ruining Aunt Meggie’s marriage made a sob rise in his throat.
And when he thought of how Harley was suffering at Willard’s hands because of him, he covered his face, doubled over, and cried.
He couldn’t ever correct any of what he’d done. A girl was dead, another one was humiliated and traumatized, and a marriage was probably over. Not to mention Rebel and Mattie, and the violation of their privacy.
Planting cameras in a grown woman’s room was fucking illegal. His cousins were young teenagers and their fathers were psychos.
Diesel’s face rose in Ryan’s head. Diesel’s behavior toward Rebel was fucked up on so many different levels, but if he ever discovered Ryan recorded Rebel without clothes or touching herself or talking to Mattie or, fuck, anything, he’d scalp, gut, and castrate Ryan.
Blind him. Drop him in a vat of acid while he was still breathing.
Fucking over Diesel was smoke Ryan didn’t want.
Now that Molly was dead…
Another sob escaped him. He hated himself. Confessing to Diesel would put him out of his misery.
“Ryan, do you—”
Devon didn’t finish whatever he was about to say. Fine with Ryan. He didn’t have the energy to play a video game with his brother.
A sigh broke through Ryan’s devastation. Swiping his hand across his teary eyes and an arm across his runny nose, he met Devon’s gaze.
“Do you miss Mom and Harley?”
“I miss Mom,” Devon admitted. “I’m glad Harley’s gone. She’s toxic.”
“She was,” Ryan admitted softly. “But so was I, and you forgave me.”
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Devon nodded. “You’re my brother and I was angry with you. There’s a difference.”
“You’ve known Harley all your life.”
“Unfortunately.”
“So how’s it different?” Ryan pressed, sniffling.
“Do I share blood with her?”
“She’s still one of us.”
The doorbell rang before Devon responded. “That’s Rory. Hold on.”
Closing his eyes, Ryan deflated and leaned back against the sofa.
“Ryan, you have to trace—”
Rory’s words abruptly halted, but Ryan didn’t have the energy to look at his cousin.
“We have to find Aunt Meggie. Find her and we find our moms and my sister,” Rory said.
“I don’t even know where to start looking,” Ryan said hoarsely. “Mattie scrambled the feed at Aunt Kendall’s office. I don’t know who picked them up or which direction they went, Rory.”
“We have to do something,” he insisted. “Find Aunt Meggie and apologize to her.”
“It isn’t up to us. It’s up to Uncle Christopher,” Ryan told him. “Whatever he did made her mad enough to leave.”
“No,” Rory insisted stubbornly. “It was a fucking collective effort. We all pushed her to this.”
Tears slid down Ryan’s cheeks and he shook his head. He wished Rory spoke the truth. Unfortunately, the blame lay squarely on his shoulders. “No, you’re wrong. I pushed her to this. I never thought she’d leave, though. I…I did it all. Molly. Harley. Aunt Meggie. Rule. Rebel.”
“The new and improved you is a good thing, bro,” Devon said, “but you don’t have to take responsibility for the fucking fall of Rome.
Molly’s father took her. Rule’s a psycho and Aunt Meggie is hurt.
She’ll work through her feelings and everything will return to the status quo.
I don’t know what the fuck you think’s going on with Rebel, but Harley? ”
Hearing Devon’s contempt, Ryan stiffened.
“She’s a mean cunt.”
Ryan jumped to his feet. If Rory hadn’t stood in between them, he would’ve charged Devon and punched the fuck out of him.
“Don’t you fucking talk about her like that!” Ryan screamed, around bitter tears, almost falling to his knees so burdened with the weight of guilt. “I did it! Willard insisted I plant cameras. I recorded our sex and sent it to him and now he’s using it against her. He’s humiliating her.”
Rory’s eyes narrowed, then widened, almost bugging out of his head.
It came to Ryan that his cousin was filling out.
He no longer resembled a small kid. Possibly because he’d started working out in hopes of making the team.
Or, maybe, because he was a late bloomer and puberty was finally catching up with him.
Wiping his eyes again, Ryan forced himself to meet Rory’s gaze.
“Johnnie hired me to fuck with the footage and make it seem like Uncle Christopher and Torie were having an affair,” he went on miserably, since both his cousin and his brother seemed frozen in shock.
“A-and I-I called Tom Harris and told him where to find Molly. I was so pissed with CJ.” He began to cry again, sick inside.
“I didn’t mean to get her hurt. I just…I just wanted her away from CJ. ”
“No, you wanted to hurt CJ,” Rory snarled, charging Ryan and shoving him. “Fuckhead!”
Anger surged into Ryan and he pushed his cousin back. “Fuck you. Don’t pretend you’re fucking innocent. You know everything that Bash wants to do. You know Johnnie’s role and you haven’t opened your fucking mouth. You protect that motherfucker at the cost of everybody. Even yourself.”
“Is that your fucking justification, you miserable motherfucker? Don’t deflect your fucking guilt onto me. I didn’t assault Harley and I didn’t fucking ruin Aunt Meggie. And I didn’t send an innocent girl to her death for being a jealous fuckhead.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Ryan ordered, glad to snatch his fury and bitterness from the depths.
They’d insulated him before and would do so again.
“Johnnie knows where Molly is, and he refused to help me get her back. He hired me to fuck with Aunt Meggie, in case your little baby ears didn’t hear me, so get off your high fucking horse and look in the fucking mirror. You’re complicit too.”
“I’m trying to help my dad to keep him alive so he can make everything right,” Rory snarled.
“Please, motherfucker,” Ryan spat. “Be so fucking for real. You fucking know he doesn’t want to make anything right.”
“You’re a fucking hypocrite, Ryan,” Rory replied, anger flushing his face.
“I’m a hypocrite?” Ryan laughed without humor. “What the fuck are you? I’ve done awful shit, but I’m trying to make it right. I feel so fucking bad about those things. You, though? You can’t admit that you’re fucking wrong for protecting Johnnie.”
“Fuck, stop!” Devon snatched Rory back and inserted himself between them. “Sit down and cool off. Both of you.”
Glaring at his little brother, Ryan folded his arms. “Make me, cuck.”
“How about I call Dad so he can make you?” Devon spat.
Straightening, Ryan swallowed, regretting his moment of weakness. “You wouldn’t.”
“Dad’s suffering. I’m suffering. You’re suffering, Ry.” Devon glanced at Rory. “Ro’s miserable. All because we disrespected Aunt Meggie to the highest degree. We pretended she didn’t matter. We didn’t laugh at her, but the guys did and we didn’t correct them. But most of all, we took CJ from her.”
Devon’s accusatory look cut through Ryan. He hid his pain by lashing out.
“Fuck you, beta boy,” he sneered. “I know you’re blaming me when CJ had free will.”
“Stop being such a fucking asshole,” Devon snapped. “You’re not that guy.”
“I am!” Ryan insisted wildly. “I fucking am. It’s better than being…than being…” What? He wasn’t sure. He only knew the wound inside him might never recover. “It doesn’t matter.”