Chapter Twenty-Three – Diesel
Sitting at the breakfast table, Diesel waited for confirmation that the jeweler could put the finishing touches on Aunt Meggie’s diamond by the end of the day.
Jana sat next to him, quietly eating. Axel, Ransom, and Ryder’s conversation was background noise in Diesel’s head.
On edge, he couldn’t pay attention. He was hoping like hell Aunt Meggie called.
CJ ate, lost in his own world. Diesel wondered if he even tasted his food. Bunny cooked, but then she found out how severely injured Digger was and rushed to the clubhouse, leaving Kaia and Bishop to set the food on the sideboard and deal with Gunner.
When they both sat at the table with their own breakfast, Axel and Jana were the only ones who greeted both of them. Diesel acknowledged Bishop but glared at Kaia. The other three boys spoke to none of them.
Bishop looked after Gunner; Kaia ate and scrolled on his phone.
“Is it okay if I have more sausage?” Jana asked timidly.
Diesel reminded himself she needed gentleness. His shitty mood was no fault of hers, but he was so fucking angry with Uncle Christopher, though he kept it to himself. Why, he wasn’t sure.
Habit, perhaps.
“I can fry up more for you,” Kaia offered.
“No the fuck you can’t, bro,” Bishop said, cutting up the last of Gunner’s sausage and putting it on his plate.
Axel cleared his throat. “Remember what I told you motherfuckers. Mom likes Kaia. We have to practice treating him nice so it’ll come naturally when she gets home. If you piss off Mom, I’m cutting off your fucking dreads, Bishop.”
“I mean Kaia really can’t,” Bishop said irritably. “He can’t fucking cook.”
“Learn,” CJ said, not looking at anyone. “I’ll let up, Kaia, but I swear if you want to fuck all the club girls at once, leave Rebel the fuck alone.”
“I wasn’t with Rebel when I fucked Fia,” Kaia snapped, and pointed his fork at Diesel. “He’s the one who set me up to play fucking mind games. Why the fuck are you being so hard on me?”
“Oh, I fucking like that,” Diesel sneered. “I wasn’t fucking responsible for your goddamn cock.”
“You were fucking her in front of me. What the fuck did you fucking think would happen?” Kaia snapped his mouth shut and glanced at Jana, regret on his face. “I’m sorry, Jana. That was disrespectful of me.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “No matter who else he sleeps with, I’ll be his wife.”
“Don’t give this motherfucker that much leeway, bae,” CJ said, glaring at Diesel, still not over their argument from yesterday.
When Diesel had every right to be furious, since CJ was the one who called him a bitch. He’d let that shit go, so why couldn’t CJ?
“Can I ask you something, Jana?” Axel started.
“No!” Diesel snapped.
“I’m not talking to you, Diesel,” Axel said flatly.
Jana placed her hand over Diesel’s. “It’s fine, babe,” she said, smiling at Axel. “What’s your question?”
“You’re a girl, right?”
“Uh—”
“No,” Diesel barked, interrupting Jana’s floundering. “She’s a fucking donkey.”
“They got boy donkeys and girl donkeys, so shut up,” Axel said, and focused on Jana again. “No matter your specialty, you’re a girl, right?”
“Species,” Diesel grumbled.
Axel glowered at him.
“Uh, I am,” Jana said, looking from Diesel to Axel with uncertainty. “I’m a human girl.”
“You do know girls don’t like their motherfuckers with other girls, right?
I mean, part of the reason Mom’s so fucking mad at Dad is ‘cause of another woman. Even Tabitha, and she’s a miserable cunt that Diesel hates, is jealous.
And let’s not even talk about the Blonde Viper.
She would try to cleave that motherfucker in half.
” He thrust his chin toward Kaia. “Him, too. That’s why he’s so fucking afraid that Rebel might find out about Fia. ”
“I, uh, I-I—”
“You don’t have to answer Axel,” Diesel said in a reasonable tone.
“I just don’t want you to be mad at me,” she said quietly.
“You got brothers now,” Axel said. “We’ll beat the brakes off Diesel on your behalf.”
She laughed nervously, not realizing the little monster was serious.
Axel’s cell phone began ringing, and his face lit up. He answered immediately. “Hey, Mom.”
“Mom?” CJ, Ryder, and Ransom echoed.
“MegAnn!” Gunner screamed.
“Tell Aunt Meggie I said ‘hi’,” Diesel added. “Put her on speaker.”
Axel giggled. “Yeah, okay. I love you, too. Bye.” He hung up.
“When is she calling back?” CJ demanded.
“I’m calling her later,” Axel announced.
“You know Mom’s burner number?” Ransom asked.
Calm, Axel stuffed another sausage in his mouth, then considered the last two on his plate. “I was there with her, wasn’t I? She gave it to me, so I could call her whenever I missed her. I called before I came down.”
“Call her back,” Diesel ordered.
“No.” Setting his fork on the table, Axel slid Jana his plate. “You want my sausages?”
She hesitated.
Axel cocked his head to the side. “Are you afraid of boys?”
“W-why do you say that?”
“’Cause I was watching you. The louder we got, the more you slid down. Now, you look like a vat of unbleached flour as pale as you are. We’re not going to hurt you.”
Diesel smiled at Axel, so astute for his age, and a protector. He slid the plate completely in front of Jana.
“Eat them,” he told her. “I promise it’s fine. If I want more, I’ll get it.” Axel’s eyes lit up. “Do you know how to cook?”
“I do.”
“Then you can cook fresh sausages. You live here now, too.”
“Does anyone else want more sausage?” she asked after a moment.
“We do,” Ryder and Ransom said.
“I’m done eating, Jana,” Bishop said. “I can—”
Axel shook his head. “Tomorrow. She got to feel safe here. If she feel like this is her house too, she will.”
Biting down on her lip, Jana nodded and her nose reddened. “That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever been told,” she said around sniffles.
Diesel grabbed her hand and squeezed. “You’re safe here, sweetheart.”
“Come on, Jana,” Bishop said, getting to his feet. “I’ll show you around the kitchen.” He looked at Kaia. “You want to come? We can give you cooking tips.”
“Stay, Shop,” Gunner wailed, lifting his little arms up.
“Why don’t you come with us?” Kaia offered and lifted the little boy out of his booster seat.
The moment the four of them walked out, Diesel, CJ, Ryder, and Ransom turned to Axel.
“Call Mom, big head,” CJ said.
“If she wanted to talk to you, she would call you,” Axel retorted.
“I’ll pay you.”
“It’s still no, C. I’m not going against her fucking wishes. Just you asking tells me you haven’t learned your fucking lesson and will fuck up again when she gets back.”
“Oh, so, now you know Mom best of all because you snuck away with her?” The hurt in CJ’s voice was unmistakable. “I’ve known her much longer than you.”
“Dad’s known her even longer. That didn’t stop him from acting brand new,” Axel said. “The long time you’ve known her don’t make a fucking difference if you forgot how to fucking treat her.”
“What? You’ve become her potato now?” CJ sneered.
Axel rolled his eyes. “Jealousy’s not a good look on you, C.,” he said with disapproval. “Mom’s got only one potato, and that’s you. She didn’t forget that, motherfucker. You did. You caught the same stupid motherfucker syndome as Dad.”
“Syndrome,” Ransom said around a cough.
“I know exactly how you feel about me, Axel,” CJ continued. “You think I’m weak and pathetic.”
“You think that about yourself,” Axel said. “’Cause if I thought it, I would’ve fucking told you.”
“Tell me to my fucking face everything you’ve said about me.”
“I’ll fucking tell you that and more,” Axel yelled.
“You’re stupid. You think ‘cause you’re Dad’s son, you’re supposed to be Prez.
You think ‘cause your Outlaw’s son, you don’t got to listen to Mom.
You call Reb spoiled, but you are, too. You pretend you’re not though, which makes it worse.
There’s nothing fucking wrong with using our…
our money and our name to get what we want.
You look down on us for doing it, while you just expect it, then get all humpy faced toward us.
You ignored everything Mom wanted to follow Dad, and then you didn’t follow Dad over Rory.
You don’t get to have it both fucking ways.
And you were so fucking stupid about it.
You should’ve came to me for advice. I would’ve referred with my attorney—” he nodded to Diesel— “and then gave you the excuse you needed so you wouldn’t seem like you didn’t follow Dad’s orders—no Outlaw’s—while still looking like a weak, pathetic, snivly coward. ”
“Snivly is not—”
“If one of you motherfuckers correct me one more fucking time, I’m blowing all of you up in your fucking sleep, Ransom.
” Scowling, he looked at CJ again. “You hurt Mom. For nothing ‘cause you don’t fucking act like you want to be, or can be, a fucking biker. I’m giving you ‘til the start of next school year to straighten the fuck up. Then, I’m going to tell Dad, he can’t resign until I get to be Prez.
‘Cause, motherfucker, not only don’t you deserve to be Mom’s potato, you don’t fucking deserve to be Dad pro… pro…” He looked at Diesel.
“Didn’t you tell us don’t correct you?” CJ grouched.
“Did you hear me say a fucking word? I don’t know the one to use.”
“Protégé,” Diesel said, ignoring CJ’s glower.
“If you’re helping, you must agree, Diesel.”
“Is any of what Axel said wrong, little brother?”
“I can’t fucking believe you.”
“You’re just like Dad, CJ,” Ryder said. “You hear what needs to be done, but you get mad. Or if you consider it, you just dismiss it.”
“None of you think I should be president?” CJ’s look of betrayal was something Diesel was familiar with. So, too, did he know about hearing advice but not listening to it for one reason or another. He pointed at Axel. “And you, you little fuckhead, want to usurp my position.”
“Usurp,” Axel said under his breath. “Usurp my position. Does that mean take it?”
“You’re so fucking smart, you tell me,” CJ replied.
Axel made a face at him and looked at Diesel, who nodded.
“I can’t fucking take what you don’t got, CJ,” Axel said with resentment.
“Stop being a fucking crybaby. You didn’t even eat at the fucking club last night.
Reb don’t swim no more, so I know you waited for food ‘cause of the overdose.
That means they are winning and you are chicken.
Look at the Bird Wall at the club. See how many motherfuckers died ‘cause of the club. Look at the fucking club members. Tell me who the fuck could disobey Dad and not fucking suffer a punishing. Rory stood with Uncle Johnnie, the biggest traitor of fucking all. But that meant Rory turned into one, too. And you fucking know what, stupid?”
“He betrayed me, too,” CJ croaked.
“You finally fucking get it,” Axel blared.
“It took you long enough. Even if you wasn’t part of the fucking club, CJ, betraying the club means betraying Dad.
You should’ve broke that motherfucker in two just ‘cause of that. Know what else? Betraying Dad betrays Mom. If nothing else is your fucking business, she is, so fuck you. Stand the fuck on business and use your fucking brain. I want you to be Prez, but I’m not afraid of you, Dad, Diesel, Uncle Johnnie, Uncle Cash, or no motherfucker.
If you don’t deserve your fucking position, you’re not getting it if I got anything to say.
If you do, I’ll stand ten toes down for you like Mom does with Dad. ”
“It’s different with you, big head. Mom and Dad want me to respect—”
“You don’t got to respect no motherfucker who come after you or our family.
That’s war. Rules don’t fucking apply. And if Dad comes at you, tell him this: ‘I don’t care if they’re ten thousand years old like you, when the motherfucker deserves respect, he’ll get it.
Otherwise, I’m not fucking listening. Case fucking closed.
’ And walk the fuck out. Dad of all people—”
A groan interrupted whatever Axel had been about to say and they all turned toward the doorway to see Mortician and Val helping Uncle Christopher to the closest chair. Gashes marred one of his cheeks, caked with dried blood.
Diesel, CJ, Ransom, and Ryder jumped up and rushed to him.
“Dad, what happened?” CJ cried.
“Who do I have to kill?” Diesel asked.
“Who got to you, Dad?” Ransom asked. “I didn’t know you left club grounds.”
“Roxanne,” he pushed out. “And Bitsy.”
“You’re going to tell Puff I did talk to you, right, Outlaw?” Val asked.
Uncle Christopher nodded.
“I don’t think Red or Chester knew about the dropping thing, Prez,” Mortician told him. “You’d probably have a few broken bones.”
CJ’s eyes widened. “Lolly beat you up because of Mom?”
“Yeah, boy.”
Axel stepped next to Diesel and studied Uncle Christopher, cracked his knuckles, and stormed away.
Fuck.
After helping Uncle Christopher to his bedroom, Diesel found Jana in the kitchen, feeding Gunner more sausages and eating more herself. Having her sleep next to him last night was odd because he knew she would be a permanent fixture in his bed.
All the days of planning, the insistence that it would ease him, left him restless. Part of the reason was Aunt Meggie. It shook him that not only hadn’t she come home yesterday, but she’d also only talked to Axel today.
Jana’s hug felt stifling, and he hated that. He hated his annoyance. He didn’t want to do anything that would send her spiraling. Or even frighten her. Or send her in search of a hit. She didn’t own a car, but the clubhouse was minutes away where drugs were so fucking easy to obtain.
Instead of spending the day with her and taking her shopping for new clothes, which she was in dire need of, Diesel changed out of his suit, put on his cut, jeans, T-shirt, and boots, then went to the club where his bike was parked.
He didn’t have a particular destination in mind.
He just wanted the freedom of the road. It always cleared his head, allowed him to outrun his demons.
Guilt. Inadequacy. Inferiority.
Lust. Shame. Abandonment.
All hidden behind stubbornness and arrogance. As he thought about how Axel crucified CJ, some of the words hit too close to home, especially when Diesel combined them with all that Uncle Christopher said about him.
Not only wouldn’t he deserve Rebel under different circumstances, he wondered if he deserved Jana. Or even if he could handle her, now that he had her.
Certainly, she needed counseling, but he knew once Rebel returned, his life was going to be hell. With just a fucking look, Rebel would make him feel like a fucking snake. And when she opened her fucking mouth…
It was best this way, he reminded himself.
He cared about Jana. She needed him. Once Aunt Meggie returned and he knew she forgave him for his crimes against her, he’d breathe easier.
Once the Band-Aid was ripped away from Rebel and she met Jana, he could get back to that place where he’d mapped out his life and accepted the girl he could have.