Chapter Thirty-Seven – Rebel #2
“Look, motherfucker…” She really wished she could stand on two feet.
Words were so much more effective with a little theatrics.
“Yeah. You’re right. You were a shithead.
You were selfish, mean, and plain fucking evil.
That fifteen-year-old kid didn’t give one fuck about his mom.
So much so that he’s spent fucking years mourning her.
” She tossed her hair. “And for what? She probably wouldn’t even give a fuck that you were so crushed. ”
“That’s bullshit, Rebel. Theresa Rivers loved me.
She wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t for that fuckhead!
And she definitely wouldn’t want me to spend my life with so much fucking regret,” he yelled, red-faced and furious.
“She would’ve wanted me to be grateful for what I now have.
She would’ve thanked Aunt Meggie and Uncle Christopher. She would’ve…”
Rebel saw the moment his words caught up with him and he snapped his mouth shut.
“She would’ve what, Diesel?”
Leaning back, he shrugged and changed the subject.
“I was with Aunt Meggie for several hours today. For most of that time, I didn’t even think about Monday night.
I didn’t think about anything but this family.
She dropped me off at the club and said, ‘bye, son’.
That’s when it hit me again. But my mother would want me to appreciate what I have. My family.”
“We are, and we love you so much. We all love you enough to know that you need to mourn her. Remember her. Love her again. You’re flawed and you’re fucked up, but we don’t care.
” She tipped her head back, refusing to cry right then.
“Just like we love Rule. We hate what he did. We don’t hate him.
We hate how you sometimes behave. We don’t hate you.
You’re stuck with us for the rest of your miserable life. ”
He finally smiled. “I wanted a hit so fucking bad.”
“But you didn’t get one. Wanting and doing are two different things.
I wanted Rule to come home Even if I could’ve done something to make that happen, I wouldn’t have because it wasn’t right for my brother.
I hear addicts have a very rough time and it’s one step at a time to stay clean.
Don’t beat yourself up for what you wanted to do.
Applaud the strength it took not to do it. ”
Leaning in, he kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Now, have you had a heart-to-heart with Uncle Christopher?”
“Nope.” She popped the ‘p’ to emphasize her point. “But we weren’t talking about me.”
“Here, I was just thinking how much you’d matured.”
She waved her good hand. “Obviously not in every way.”
“Aunt Meggie forgave him.”
“Yeah, because she adores him.”
“You don’t?”
“I did. He was my daddy.”
“He still is.”
Rebel shrugged. “He pacifies me to get me out of his hair. He doesn’t care what I say.”
“Maybe you raised the bar so high, he was bound to fail.”
“Maybe he failed because he’d dropped the fucking bar too low.”
“Why are you still so fucking angry with him?”
“Why fuck with success?”
Diesel glared at her.
“Fuck, I don’t know. Okay? I don’t want to forgive him and then he fucks up again. Before I end up hating him, it’s just better to keep my distance.”
“What were you just saying about family and forgiveness?” Diesel said with disapproval.
She didn’t know why she didn’t want to talk to him other than surface level.
The time she’d told him about Diesel, he blew up.
She understood why, but it still hadn’t helped her.
When he found out about Billy or Eric, whichever one of those dickheads she was going to be with, he killed them. Then there was everything else.
“Over the past few days, you’ve sworn you’d hate me for the rest of my life,” Diesel reminded her. “That you’d never fucking talk to me again. Yet, here we are. Uncle Christopher deserves the same consideration.”
“I was the only one who cared that you slept with Torie and Gypsy. When I finally accepted that you’re my brother and will never be anything more, I let it go, Diesel. It’s your life. As your sister, I will pass my opinions, but I just want you happy.”
Relief flooded Diesel’s face. “You’re going to love Jana.”
“Uh, no the fuck I won’t.”
“Yes, you will. Jana wants to meet you. Be your big sister, which she will be after she becomes my wife.”
Rebel shoved away her twinge of jealousy. He was her brother. “I’ve been through one marriage with you. I reject your next. You’re only going to move out and forget I exist.”
“I swear I won’t—”
“Well, dickhead, your track record with promises to me is gutter level. Besides, you turned your fucking back on me because Tabitha didn’t like me.”
“I never said that was the reason.”
“It’s better than you being a fuck face fuckhead and a shitty big brother,” she retorted. “Especially since you kept in contact with the boys. Because I’m not a Caldwell son, I’m as expendable to you as I am to Daddy.”
The jackass had the nerve to look offended.
“Fuck off,” she said crossly. “I’m not befriending her, Diesel, and I don’t give a good fuck what you say.
The minute she tells you to move away and stop talking to me, you will.
I’d prefer not to even know her. What if I end up liking her?
That would be wasted. My feelings would be hurt, blah, blah, blah.
I’d have to get over that just so I could hate her. No fucking thank you.”
“Jana isn’t like that. She doesn’t give a fuck about other women.”
He couldn’t mean that the way it sounded. “She should. Unless she doesn’t know you’re a fucking thot.”
“She’s aware of my activities and she doesn’t care. I’ll go home to her.”
Fuck, if Rebel wanted to talk to Jana, she’d clue her in about giving Diesel so much leeway. But that sounded too mature. Why disappoint him? “Oh my god, Diesel. Why marry a girl who doesn’t give a fuck about what you do? That’s a fucking recipe for disaster.”
“It shows how kind, trusting, and mature she is.”
“Is Jana vulnerable in any kind of way?” Like Diesel was. “An addict or traumatized or anything?”
“Absolutely not. Jana is a real good girl. Besides, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?”
She shook her head and smoothed the ruffles in her nightgown. “If she’d been through something…a fucked up childhood, a crime victim…or if she was a recovering addict—alcohol or drugs—then of course she’d loosen your leash. She’d see you as her protector, especially if she feels defenseless.”
“Jana is very capable with or without me,” Diesel snapped. “I resent you making me sound like a goddamn dog.”
“Woof, woof, fuckhead. If the leash fits, wear it.”
“Jesus Christ, you think you have all the answers.”
“No one has the answer to everything.”
He ignored her. “You’re also implying you’d try and keep me on a leash.”
“There would be no fucking trying, fuckhead. You would be on a goddamn short leash that I’d jerk every time you got out of line. And if you fucked over me, I’d choke you with it.”
“That’s not how relationships work, Rebel.”
“Neither do they work her way.”
“You’re a fucking child. You don’t know the first thing about sex or marriage. Jana is a grown woman with her shit together. Mature. Her way shows her love and trust in me.”
“Nope. Her way shows she’s a dumb bitch.”
“Do not disparage Jana in that way.”
“Fuck you and her. You’re both dummies. If she isn’t a scared, scarred woman who sees you as a fucking knight in a cut, then what the fuck is she, stupid? As bad as you, where neither one of you respects the bonds of matrimony. They are sacred.”
“What if she was an addict? Would you befriend her then?”
“I don’t know, Diesel.”
“You’ve accepted that you’re my little sister.”
“I have,” she insisted.
“Then be a little sister to Jana. Become her friend for me. Show her how to spend money without caring—”
“Why the fuck would I do that?”
“Why wouldn’t you do that?”
“Because I don’t have to care about money. She does.”
“You’re a spoiled, entitled, little bitch.”
She made a face at him. “And you’re a stupid, fuckhead, rich boy, so we’re even. Besides, your reaction tells me you are entitled yourself, dummy.”
“I. Am. NOT!”
“Waa, waa, waa, motherfucker. Find a pacifier to suck on. We have everything at our disposal and trust funds that sit in accounts accruing interest with annual infusions of cash. Do you know how much I will be worth? Money I will start getting when I turn twenty-one. More money than any of you jackasses, all headed for club life.”
“That isn’t fair.”
“Fuck you. Life isn’t fair.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t fucking care, Diesel,” Rebel said tiredly. “And before you find another reason to doubt yourself, Momma has you and the boys covered. She’s left you all a lot in her will. She also funds your lifestyle, so double fuck you.”
“I have a fucking career.”
“Oh my god, you big fucking baby.” She punched his shoulder.
“Stop whining and stop complaining. At least about this. You have a career in a local law firm. Local. It isn’t some big Portland firm.
It is mainly there for the benefit of the club.
Yes, you’re scarred emotionally but stop fucking pretending you don’t enjoy the power and the status, and you aren’t rolling in fucking money, even if you weren’t an attorney. ”
“Why allow you access to your trust fund while she’s alive but not us?”
Rebel frowned. “I get the trust fund, Diesel. You all get the inheritance.”
“That isn’t fair to you either.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Of course you do.”
Diesel was so fucking frustrating. Rebel was almost certain he knew what she meant, but she’d try again. “My theory is that it is about the club and following in Daddy’s footsteps. You know? Seeming to be on a somewhat even playing field as your brothers?”
“Whatever, Rebel,” Diesel said, scratching his jaw. “It still doesn’t make what you said about Jana any less fucked up.”
“Really? How about this? Jana’s money, and her ability to spend it without a care, depends on you.”
“She might be from a wealthy family,” Diesel said smugly.
Rebel blinked. Cackling at his fuckery, she abruptly cut her laughter and glowered at him. “Fuck you. If she was from a wealthy family, she’d already know how to both use money and abuse it.”
“I’ve already set up an account for her mother to use. Jana has money.”
“I beg your fucking pardon? You gave her mom the money?” Rebel’s eyes widened. “Jesus, fuckhead, are you fucking a mother and her daughter?”
“What? No!” Diesel swore under his breath and gnashed his teeth together. “You have a very fucking low opinion of me.”
“Whose fucking fault is that? My opinion is based on your goddamn actions, so shut the fuck up and deal with it. You want me to see you in a better light? Do fucking better, fuckhead.”
“I owe you no fucking explanations.”
“Sure don’t. That privilege goes to Jana. Use it wisely.”
“It just shows you have a lot to learn,” Diesel snapped. “I pity the motherfucker who ends up with you. You’re going to drive him fucking crazy with your fucking demands.”
“And if that motherfucker can’t handle me and my goddamn demands, then fuck him.
He doesn’t fucking deserve me. But what you aren’t doing is changing my mind about how I feel.
Nor will you convince me that you aren’t playing with fucking fire.
You need to matter to someone. You need someone to hold you accountable.
Otherwise, dick breath, fuckface, motherfucker, you will be fucking miserable.
” She struggled to her feet, kicked his ankle with her bare foot, and limped to her room, slamming the door for good measure.