Chapter Thirty-Five
Opening CJ’s door just as she once did—without knocking and uninvited—Harley walked into CJ’s room, prepared to hit him with a retort if he chastised her.
Instead, she found him asleep, allowing her an uninterrupted study of him.
Free from all her self-doubt and confusion.
Unencumbered with the deep-seated belief that she wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for him.
Unburdened by the humiliation of having to undress in front of the camera for Pillar of Earth and touch herself, then have clips of her shame delivered to her phone.
The last time she’d undressed, two days after CJ’s overdose, she’d been in so much pain, bruised from all the licks Nardo delivered to her when she’d told Aunt Zoann she had a study date.
In actuality, she’d snuck to Nardo’s house, outraged that her father ordered her and Mommie away from the hospital and told them not to return.
The disembodied laughter from Pillar of Earth when he’d seen her injuries haunted her. Sometimes, in the deepest part of the night, she cried uncontrollably, especially since the day she found out CJ had been rushed to the hospital.
Mommie insisted she wasn’t ready for Harley to return home. Daddy answered whenever she called, but he was so distant. Her brothers wanted nothing to do with her. Mattie checked on her, but everyone else saw her as a non-entity. Even Ryan.
Aunt Zoann knew Harley had willfully ignored her during the bathroom incident.
She wasn’t happy with her. Other than making sure Harley did her chores and her homework and checking to see if there was anything that needed her attention from school, Aunt Zoann ignored her, too.
So did Uncle Val. She almost wished they would confront her about kissing Ryan. At least then, she’d know they cared.
Maybe, it was all karma. Maybe, she was getting so much bad because she wasn’t good.
CJ shifted on the bed, drawing Harley’s attention. His inky hair appeared even darker against his white pillowcase. Long eyelashes fanned his cheeks. He had a straight nose, full lips, and a perfect jaw. Every time she saw him, it seemed as if his features were more chiseled.
Suddenly so tired, she crawled next to him and curled her body into his. She wanted to be his so badly. She dreamed of them sharing another kiss. Despite how much everything went off the rails, she’d never regret sharing her first kiss with him.
He turned again, but this time, he opened his eyes. Blinked. Looked at her, then blinked again. He rolled away from her and ran his fingers through his hair.
“Hey, CJ. ”
He scooted out of bed and got to his feet.
She sat up. “H-how are you feeling?” she asked, off-balance because he wouldn’t talk to her. She wanted to sob in misery and tell him about Pillar of Earth and Nardo. “I-I tried to visit you in the hospital, but Aunt Meggie wouldn’t allow anyone to see you,” she said, testing the waters.
Maybe, he’d feel a sense of outrage over his mother’s behavior.
“That was my mom’s prerogative, Harley.”
“I didn’t mean anything by my words,” she backtracked.
He shrugged, then glanced at the clock. Walking to his nightstand, he picked up his cell phone and looked at something before setting it down again. “No one’s home. How’d you get in?”
“You were asleep, so how do you know who’s here?”
“My sister and brothers went to school. Dad had a meeting. Diesel had work, and Mom had an errand to run for me. If she was back, she would’ve come to my room. Or sent me a text if she found me asleep.”
“The code to the gate hasn’t changed, so I let myself in and came to your room. I wanted to see you.”
“It’s always about what you want,” he said bitterly.
“I’m sorry—”
“Don’t you stand in this fucking room and say those fucking words to me. You’re nothing but a liar. Who else will you fuck and throw in my goddamn face?”
Instead of giving into her pain, she stiffened, folded her arms, and smirked. “Jealous?”
“Don’t fucking flatter yourself,” he said coldly. “I don’t want you. I wouldn’t touch you with another motherfucker’s cock.”
She gasped and burst into tears. “You’re cruel. ”
“Get out.”
“No!” she wailed, rushing to him and throwing her arms around his neck. “No! Please. Forgive me. Please!”
Wrenching her arms from around his neck, he jerked away from her.
“Yeah, Harley, I fucking hate the thought of you with anyone else. It hurts a lot. But one day it won’t.
I miss you so much. But one day I won’t.
Until then, I want nothing to do with you.
You’re mean and you’re selfish, and I deserve better than a girl who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone except herself.
Not her dad, who’s devastated by her behavior.
Not her mom, who’s all but ruined her marriage for her.
Not her friends, who admired her calmness and her smarts.
And not me. You wanted me to know you fucked Ryan and couldn’t even thank my sister for covering for you.
” He stormed to his door and yanked it open.
“Get the fuck out of my room and don’t ever fucking come back. ”
Not long after Harley left, CJ received a text from his mother, summoning him to the club. He wasn’t sure what that meant, so he didn’t waste time in hauling ass there, hoping she’d found Bishop and the other three. Praying she’d saved their lives.
The walk through the forest removed some of the agitation left from Harley’s visit. The audacity of her! No matter how many times he told her what he wanted—just basic fucking decency—she fucked with him and railroaded whoever the fuck allowed her fucked up behavior.
Halfway to the club, he halted, a near-blinding headache cutting through the base of his skull and spreading. He staggered forward, paused again, and drew in a deep breath. This was his first foray out of the house since his release from the hospital. Maybe, he wasn’t ready.
Fuck!
Mom would fucking freak. If he remembered, he’d soon visit his primary care physician, and Mom wanted the same tests and scans he’d had while he’d been in the coma to make sure they hadn’t missed anything.
After the fake doctor incident, Dad hadn’t given the hospital the chance to repeat everything.
CJ drew in another deep breath and slowly turned, enjoying the bracing air, appreciating the evergreens interspersed with other trees currently devoid of leaves.
Little things he’d never noticed drew his attention.
The way his skin tingled from the cold. The breeze lifting his hair and sweeping over his heated scalp.
The scent of pine and mud and…and life .
For five and a half days, his room was his refuge. He hadn’t had to face his fear of dying or recognize his anxiety over right or wrong choices. A mistake sometimes meant the difference between life or death.
“CJ?”
Diesel’s voice reached him and CJ focused. His brother stood directly in front of him, concern etched into his face. Diesel visited every day, usually more than once. Guilt was eating him from the inside out. His hand was still bandaged but he functioned as if it didn’t hurt at all.
Either Diesel was a bad ass, had a high tolerance for pain, or he didn’t give a fuck.
“Aunt Meggie sent me to check on you.”
CJ nodded, glad she hadn’t found him herself.
Walking to him, Diesel drew CJ into a bear hug and held him for a moment. “You’re alive, little brother,” he whispered.
“So are you,” he returned quietly, returning his brother’s hug.
Diesel released him. He looked so tired. CJ wanted to ask about the scene in his room when Rebel came in to inquire if he’d put Kaia up to calling. He had, but it wasn’t something she needed to know.
Discovering how much Kaia liked Rebel wasn’t comforting, but it was the best he could do for now. Yet, the currents between her and Diesel that evening were… gross .
“I loved my parents so fucking much, CJ,” Diesel said quietly. “Especially my mother. I was a mama’s boy.”
The taunts from the night of his overdose rose in CJ’s head. “Like me.”
Swallowing, Diesel glanced away. “That was so fucking wrong of them. Of me.”
“You didn’t say it.”
“I didn’t stop it.”
“It’s over and done with, Dee.”
Diesel looked at CJ again, a small smile on his lips. “It would’ve been better to never know my mother and father, than to be with them for fifteen years and have them desert me. We weren’t wealthy. Skirted between low-income and middle class regularly.”
“Because of their shittiness and a fateful decision to watch over a two-year-old, you’ve led a charmed life. Money isn’t everything and I can’t relate to parents who had it in them to abandon their own child, but you’re punishing yourself because of their bad behavior.”
“I just want to know why. Was I not good enough? Was I a mistake? I can’t begin to explain the fear I have that if I do something wrong, Uncle Christopher and Aunt Meggie will cast me out.”
“If you did something wrong, it is probably egregious. Running afoul of the club in some way. Or fucking with Rebel. Dad will kill you. He’d never cast you aside.”
“Most of the time, I feel so worthless and unworthy. As if I don’t belong. As if I’m the charity case.”
CJ scowled. “You’re a fucking asshole. Dad could’ve given you money when he found us and sent you on your fucking way.
He probably felt sorry for you. You were a kid alone on the streets.
But if Mom had told him you had to go into foster care, you wouldn’t have stayed.
They adopted you, gave you the Caldwell name, and never looked back.
They put you through school. Fuck, Diesel, they were going to build you a motherfucking house on club grounds.
You wanted to move out, so Mom bought you a luxury fucking condo. No questions asked.”
His headache was returning, which made him realize it had eased.
“My fucking head’s hurting, motherfucker.” He wanted to go home and hide from the world, but he couldn’t do that to Mom. “Let me get to the fucking club.”