Chapter Thirty-Seven
Meggie scrolled her iCalendar and shook her head. “That won’t work either, Lynn.”
She’d seen Dr. Will to discuss her hysterectomy. The doctor suggested it was time to move ahead with the surgery. Viola, Dr. Will’s nurse, showed her to the office of her dedicated scheduler, Lynn, while Roxy stayed with Rebel and Mattie during their appointments.
Meggie didn’t look at her calendar. “Goodness, no.” Though that was tomorrow , there was another, more pressing reason. “That’s four days before Valentine’s Day.”
Lynn beamed at her. “Romantic em-effer day for Mr. Caldwell?”
Long ago, Christopher swore he’d only turn into a romantic motherfucker on their anniversaries. She begged to differ. Underneath the tough biker, the man was very romantic.
“It’s also Rebel’s first date,” Meggie said.
The news displeased Christopher. It was on Valentine’s Day , a date long reserved for Christopher and Meggie’s private time.
Also, Kaia was nineteen. Meggie secretly agreed with Christopher’s disapproval because of Rebel’s age.
On the bright side, he was closer in age to her than either Bishop or Diesel, and he was CJ’s friend.
Once Rebel turned eighteen, Meggie wouldn’t care if she dated Bishop or any other older man, except Diesel. That was a hard no.
Christopher was also displeased for a simple—and bigger—reason. His baby girl was going on a date.
However, CJ’s overdose served as another reminder of the precariousness of life. One twist of fate almost stole CJ. It still sent chills down Meggie’s spine. Now, he was suffering from migraines, something that never plagued him before.
Yesterday morning, Meggie went to CJ’s room and found him near tears. She’d called Christopher and they’d rushed CJ back to the hospital. His MRI came back normal as did his blood work, so he was sent back home with orders to rest.
Luckily, the kids were already at school and knew nothing about the scare. The house was abuzz with Reb’s upcoming date, which reset their lives and returned them somewhat to the place they’d found the weekend after Torie’s death.
Except Meggie was barely talking to Christopher.
When she’d come out of the clubhouse kitchen night before lastafter she allowed Nyx, Fia, and Tennysee to return, he suddenly dug his heels in and told her he’d changed his mind about replacing his bike.
Maybe, she was being unfair, but he’d pitched a major fit about her on the back of Mortician’s bike.
“What about February 25 th ?”
“That’s ten days from the ball.”
Behind her, someone cleared their throat, and Meggie turned to find Dr. Will there.
“A word, Meggie?”
Pasting a smile on her face, Meggie stood, grabbed her purse, then followed the doctor to her office. Dr. Will closed the door and nodded to the chair in front of her desk.
“Sit, sweetheart.”
Meggie sat.
Instead of sitting behind her desk, Dr. Will sat in the chair next to Meggie’s. “Talk to me.”
She shifted and met the doctor’s gaze. “I-I don’t know what you mean, Dr. Will.”
“I’m not the doctor right now. I’m Jordan. Your friend, who has known you since you were eighteen.”
Heat slid up Meggie’s neck. She could only nod.
“Prior to you turning up pregnant with Jo, we discussed the possibility of your carrying another baby before you were forty.”
Again, she could only nod.
“Do you still want that to be a possibility?”
“Christopher doesn’t want another baby and neither do the kids.”
Leaning forward, Dr. Will took Meggie’s hand in hers. “I applaud you putting your family first, but what do you want?”
Shame poured into Meggie, and she glanced away. “I don’t know—”
“I think you do. I get it, sweetheart. Your world is filled with women always around your husband. We both know he only has eyes for you, but we’re human. You can’t be anything to anyone if you aren’t something to yourself. Does that make sense? ”
“I want to look at my baby and feel that overwhelming love and joy I always had when all my other children were newborns. I want to look at Jo and feel…even when I was pregnant…there’s no connection.” She lowered her lashes. “Why? Every time I think I feel tied to her, something happens.”
“What does Outlaw say?”
Meggie picked at her jeans. “A few days ago, he offered to put her up for adoption,” she mumbled. That conversation seemed like a lifetime ago.
Releasing her hand, Jordan stood. Other than gray in her hair and laugh lines around her eyes, the doctor hadn’t changed. Her mocha skin remained smooth and wrinkle free.
“Is that what you want, sweetheart?”
“I just…I…” She swallowed. “Suppose…my mother…suppose I treat Jo the way Momma treated me? I never asked her if she ever felt a connection to me. Sometimes, it seems as if she did. Many times, I was just a burden.”
Her nostrils flared and she pasted a smile on her face, unwilling, unable to admit how deeply Dinah hurt her over the years.
“I understand, but do you want to put Jo up for adoption.”
“No. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be fair to my husband. Christopher adores Jo.”
Although she noticed he’d begun to pull away from the baby, too. He didn’t visit her as much. She knew his attention was elsewhere, but it was mainly because of Meggie. He still wasn’t sure if she could be the mother their youngest child deserved.
“Do you love Jo?”
“Very much. Her health crises and her surgeries are devastating. But I don’t know how to hold her. She’s the only one of my kids that I didn’t breastfeed. ”
“I understand.”
Meggie trusted Jordan. Not only as her gynecologist, but as her friend. Originally, Jordan was placed on the club’s payroll for Meggie. Later, she became one of Roxy’s close friends, and married Roxy’s husband’s best friend.
“I get it,” Jordan said softly. “You haven’t had a chance to catch your breath for weeks. It’s been one crisis after the other.” She switched gears. “How’s CJ?”
“Dr. Morly thinks he’s suffering migraines,” Meggie said. “He doesn’t know if it’s a combination of the drugs and subsequent overdose or stress. Christopher invited him out today and CJ accepted. I…that was…I can’t…hearing my son overdosed…that moment was horrific.”
“Receiving that phone call from Roxy was horrific,” the doctor agreed. “She was inconsolable. Knox took the phone and told me what happened.”
Meggie shuddered. “I almost lost my potato. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten over his death.
” She sighed. “But this isn’t about me. It wouldn’t have been about me.
Losing CJ would’ve destroyed Christopher.
Our other children. CJ survived. I must carry on, so my family can get back to normal.
It’s not about me. It’s about CJ. What he needs.
Wants. I’ve resigned myself that he’ll probably drop out of high school…
” She shrugged, pretending everything was okay.
As long as he was alive, it was. Nothing else mattered.
“I didn’t give birth to him and his near death has affected me, Meggie.
I don’t know how many times in the past days I’ve discussed the dangers of drugs with my kids.
I check in with Roxy five times a day, asking about CJ.
But you’re wrong, sweetheart. It’s as much about him as it is about your husband and other children. As it is about you .”
“But— ”
“The first thing I need you to do is stop minimizing your own feelings and importance. The veil of trust has been removed from CJ. He’ll be more cautious.
As his mother, grieve for his lost innocence but rejoice that he’s alive.
Regarding Jo, if you want to keep her, spend time with her every day.
On your own. Drown out the noise. Pay attention to her .
If that doesn’t work, we’ll get you into counseling. ”
That might help her entire family. “Tabitha thinks I need alone time in a secluded cabin.”
“I don’t like her , but I like her idea. You taking care of you, and thinking through everything. Take time to meditate and relax.”
“I’d want Christopher with me. I’m angry with him right now, although I’m sure we’ll make up on Valentine’s. He always makes it really special. However, I think if he and I have some time to ourselves, we can get back on track. I can’t focus on me, until I attend to us .”
“That should be the other way around.”
“I know. But I love him so much. He’s floundering because I am. I’m wavering because he is.”
“Jo is still weeks away from her release date. Take your husband to that secluded cabin. When you come back, let’s talk about therapy.”
“I like that plan.”
“Now about your hysterectomy. For now, I’ve sent the prescription for your pills in to your pharmacist. Rebel wants to start out with shots.
Mattie wants the implant. Roxy talked to Kendall to make sure she was okay with that.
After, she signed the consent forms since they are minors.
We thought you were busy scheduling the surgery. ”
Meggie didn’t answer.
“Rebel is quite excited about her first date.”
“I’m excited for her. I’m going to visit Jo for a bit, while Roxy takes the girls to lunch, then we’re going shopping. ”
“She said on the day of, you two have planned a spa day?”
“A mother-daughter day,” Meggie confirmed. “Just the two of us this time.”
“You sound as excited as she is.”
“I am. I didn’t get to experience a date with a high school crush and all that entails. If I had, I would’ve had to sneak to do it.”
When Jordan stood, she started to rise as well, but the doctor shook her head.
“Wait here.”
Two minutes after Jordan left her office, Roxy walked in. She wore a sequined maxi shirtdress with a high split, stunning even in her fifties. Her layered haircut showcased her fine bone structure.
She stared at Meggie with warm brown eyes, then came to her, squeezed her shoulder and sat in the same chair Jordan originally used.
“Hey, sugar.”
“Hey.”
“Talk to me.”
“I’m taking care of CJ.”
“Is that why you haven’t been to the club in days?”
Meggie shrugged. “The guys don’t need me. Nyx is back.”
“I know, baby.”