Chapter Ten
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PREACH
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It’s been over a month since the night I fucked up my life for the second time. Since then, I have spent more days drunk than sober. I’m not sure if I’ve been drinking so much to try to avoid what I have to do, or if I’m trying to forget what I did. It’s probably a little of both.
I know I need to talk to her, at least to apologize. I know I promised Wayne and Holt that I would stay away from her, even promised myself, but I have to tell her I’m sorry. I’m just not sure what in the hell I’m supposed to say to her. How can I say I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve done? It’s not like Hallmark makes a fuckin’ ‘sorry I was an ass and took your virginity at a strip club while drunk’ card.
I’ve done my best to avoid her since that night, but no more. Today is the day I face the consequences of what I did. It’s the day I say goodbye to her forever. Knowing that she can never be mine is killing me, but I know I don’t have a choice. Even if I turned my back on the club, which I would never do, I can’t risk the chance of hurting her.
I have to knock for nearly five minutes before an obviously sleepy Daisy answers the door. Her hair is standing up all over her head, and she’s wearing a pink tank top with two purple hearts covering her tits and pair of white boxers. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything sexier. “Hey, Daisy.”
As soon as her eyes focus on me, she starts to slam the door shut. No fuckin’ way.
Sticking my foot out, I catch the door just before it clicks shut. “Please, just let me talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say to you, Preach.”
“Well, I have something to say to you. “
She blocks my way for a few seconds more before blowing out a long and obviously frustrated breath. “Fine, but do it quick. I’m tired, and I feel like crap.”
Right before she turns away, I notice how pale she is. “Are you sick?”
“Isn’t that what it usually means when someone tells you they feel like crap?”
Well, hell. My Little Flower has got a touch of sass in her. Who would’ve thought?
She sits down and stares up at me. “Are you just gonna stare at me, or do you think you can tell me just what the hell you want?”
I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time thinking about what I want to say, but I’ve forgotten everything I had planned out. “I’m sorry for what I did.”
She shrugs, as if me taking her against the wall and calling her a whore isn’t a big deal, and hitting her is an everyday occurrence. “It’s over and done with. Can’t change it now, so there’s no point in hashing it out all over again. “
She may act like it’s nothing, but the catch in her voice tells me what I did hurt her deeply. “If I could take it back, I would.”
Her eyes narrow, shooting daggers at me. “What part would you take back? Calling me a whore, or fucking me like I was nothing more than some bitch in heat?”
“Daisy...” I start, but she cuts me off.
“You wanted to hurt me, and you did. Job well done. You should proud of yourself.”
She’s right. I did try to hurt her, not physically, but definitely emotionally. I ended up causing her pain both ways though. “If I’d known you were a virgin, it would’ve been different.” If I hadn’t listened to Leah’s bitch ass, I would’ve been begging Daisy for forgiveness, not fucking her like a seasoned whore.
“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it’s over now. You can apologize all day, and it won’t change a damn thing.”
Not knowing what to say, I look to the floor. I know words can’t make this better—nothing can.
“If that’s all, can you please leave? I really want to get back to bed,” she says, standing up from the couch.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I’ve never been sorrier in my whole life. Please don’t hate me, Little Flower. I need you to forgive me,” I beg, my voice cracking. I have never begged for anything, but I would get on my knees and beg her if it would fix this mess I’ve made.
“There’s nothing to forgive. I let it happen. You didn’t force me, so you can clear your conscious and move on.”
I stalk across the room, stopping just inches from her. “No, there is more, and you know it.”
I hate to even mention it, not wanting to face the truth of what I’ve become. I have to know though. I just have to.
“No, there’s not.”
“What about Maker’s party?” I ask, finally growing the balls to find out the truth of what happened that night.
Her body goes taut, telling me the answer without words. I feel my stomach start to roll as I envision myself hurting her. My God, I’m a monster, just like Father. “I’m so sorry that I hit you. Fuck, I’m sorry for everything. God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep fuckin’ up, over and over again.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve done a lot of shit to me, but you’ve never hit me.”
Relief courses through my veins as I absorb her words. “They said I hit you, split your mouth open and bruised your face.”
I’m so relieved that I nearly miss her flinch, but I still see it and know she’s hiding something. “How did you get hurt?”
She licks her lips before replying. “I fell.”
I can tell by her hesitation that she’s not telling the truth. I hurt her. I fuckin’ hurt the woman I love. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what the hell happened to you.”
“You were drunk, really drunk. You stumbled into me, and I fell on the floor.” She can’t meet my eyes, so I know there’s more, but it’s enough to prove what a bastard I am.
“Fuck!” I shout as the impact of her words hit me. Wayne and Holt were right. I hurt Daisy. I hurt her the same way my father hurt us.
She shakes her head. “You didn’t hit me,” she whispers.
Again, I can tell she’s holding back. I may not have raised my fist to her, but I hurt her just the same. “It doesn’t matter how it happened.”
“You didn’t mean too. I don’t think you even realized I fell.”
In other words, I left her lying on the floor. “So I just left you there, hurt and bleeding?”
She doesn’t reply, but her silence is answer enough. It also makes me ask myself if there is more she isn’t telling me. Did I hit her? Was it more than her just falling? That makes my decision easy; I can’t be with Daisy. I can’t take that chance. At least, I will have the club. “You deserve better than me.”
“Preach, you didn’t mean...” she whispers, but I stop her before she can say more.
“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare make an excuse for what I did,” I say, stepping away from her. “No one, and I mean no fuckin’ one, should ever treat you the way I did.”
With those words, I turn and damn near run to the door. Right before walking out, I look over my shoulder. “I love you, Little Flower. I love you enough to stay the fuck away from you.”
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DAISY
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As soon as I hear Preach’s bike pull out of the drive, I rush to the bathroom. Seconds later, my head’s hanging over the toilet, while my body shakes with the force of spasm after spasm. By the time the rest of last night’s dinner is gone, I don’t have the strength to move, so I lean my head on the side of the tub and let my tears fall.
After what seems like forever, I wipe the back of my hand over my mouth and slowly crawl from the floor. Grabbing the mouthwash, I can’t avoid my reflection in the mirror. I look like shit. The dark circles under my eyes don’t surprise me, but the hollowness in my cheekbones does. I swear I’ve lost ten pounds in the last week. I didn’t weigh much anyway, so I can’t afford to lose anymore, but I guess I should have expected it. When you’re sick every damn day, you’re gonna lose a little weight.
I dry my hands and open the bathroom door. I take a step back when I see my mom standing in the middle of the room. “What are you doing in my apartment?”
“Your apartment is actually my garage, so I’ll come in here anytime I want to,” she says with a sneer.
“Whatever,” I say, walking out the bathroom. I walk passed her and make my way to the couch. “What do you want?”
“Why was Preach here?”
“That’s none of your business,” I say with as much attitude as I can muster.
She mumbles under her breath, then says, “You better not be pregnant.”
The quick subject change has me jerking my eyes to her. My heart starts to pound in fear that she’s figured out my secret. She couldn’t possibly know. I just found out this morning. “What are you talking about?”
She motions toward the bathroom. “My bedroom is on the other side of that wall. I’ve heard you getting sick for the last twenty minutes.”
I don’t say anything at first. I’m too busy trying to come up with a convincing lie. Finally, I blurt out a partial truth, “I had Mexican food for dinner last night. Guess it made me sick to my stomach.”
“How about all the other times I’ve heard you puking your guts out? I’m pretty sure you’ve been sick every day for a week.”
I shrug and tell another lie. “Some of the girls at The Kitty Kat have been sick, so I must have picked something up from them.”
“Uhm huh, I bet,” she mumbles. “If I was you, I’d get to the clinic. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.”
“The harder what gets?”
She looks at me as if I’m stupid. It’s a look she wears most of the time around me. “It’s easier to get rid of them when you’re not that far along. If you wait, you’ll cramp more. At least, I did.”
My mouth drops open when her words finally make their way through my muddled brain. “You had an abortion,” I say in complete shock.
She laughs off my surprise. “I’ve had a few. After what you did to my body, I wasn’t going to go through that again.”
Her words infuriate me. Here she is talking about getting rid of my baby, her grandchild, like it’s a piece of trash. I may have just found out, but I loved the baby the minute the plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test. To hear her talk about having an abortion makes me want to throw up again. As much as I want to scream at her, and tell her how much of a bitch she is, I bite my tongue and lie again. “I told you, the Mexican food just didn’t agree with me.”
When I first missed my period, I didn’t think much about it. I’m usually pretty regular, but I know a lot of women that aren’t. It didn’t even hit me when I first started getting sick, but after the third day, I really began to wonder if something else was going on. With three positive pregnancy tests, I now know for a fact that condoms don’t always work.
She walks closer to me and places her hands on her hips. “Say whatever you want, Daisy, but I know you’re pregnant. If you don’t get rid of it, you’ll be out on your ass. I’m not having a screaming brat in my house. One was enough for me.”
I jump off the couch, my anger coming off me in waves. “You want me out? Fine, I’ll get out. I’ll move into the club apartments today, and then you’ll have to take care of Dad all by yourself.”
She has the audacity to laugh again. “You’ll keep taking care of him, whether you live here or not. If you don’t, your dad will be heading back to his mother’s house. I refuse to play nursemaid for him.”
“You can’t do that. This is his house. You even try it, and you’ll be out on your ass.” I know it’s an empty threat, but it’s all I’ve got.
She shrugs, and an evil smile crosses her face. “Doubt it. I’ll just find some guy that will take me in. Maybe I’ll talk to Preach. I’m sure he’d share his room at the club with me.”
I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming for her to stay away from him. I watch her walk away, so angry I can hardly keep my mouth shut, but then I think on it and start to laugh. Speaking to an empty room, I say, “You do that, Mom. It would be kind of weird when Preach has to explain to his child why he was sharing a bed with his or her grandmother.”