Chapter 10 #2
I press my lips together and look at the floor, the weight of his words settling on my heart.
The reality that he’s painting for me is not hard to imagine.
Although I’ve never thought of it exactly as he’s describing it, I’ve experienced it.
I’ve danced around the concept while in a random hotel in an equally random city while Holt FaceTimes me from the golf course with Gramps or Larissa texts me while at dinner with Boone and Bells.
The difference is that Joseph might have been building his web, so to speak, because he was running away from his life. I’m trying to run toward mine. Surely, that’s different.
“I sit here some days,” he says quietly, “and wonder what my legacy will be like when I’m gone.”
My eyes snap to his. “You’re not gone yet, Joe.”
“I know that. But I’m going to be. I tried being positive by pretending this was all going to work out. There comes a time, though, when you just have to admit the truth to yourself. It’s freeing after that. After about a week, you can move on and try to control the things you can.”
I don’t know why he’s telling me all of this. Perhaps it’s because he can’t talk to Bellamy this truthfully. Maybe his friends have stopped coming by. And it might just be that I’m safe because he knows I’ll be leaving and taking his secrets with me.
Whatever the case, it’s still hard to listen to.
“We’re very different,” he tells me. “But we’re a lot the same, too. You work hard. You worry about your legacy.”
Do I?
He smiles. “If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be on the television and radio all the time.”
Fair enough.
“Promise me something, Coy.”
“Okay.”
“Do you remember the promise you made to me right after Shelley died?”
I nod. “I promised you that I’d make sure Bellamy was okay.”
He grins, relief filtering across his tired face. “That’s right. I remember you being all serious and standing next to my desk in the den. You said, ‘Mr. Davenport, Bells will be all right. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll keep my eye on her.’” He chuckles. “You were such a little man.”
I grin, my face heating at the memory.
“I hope you’ll honor that when I’m gone,” he says, his voice cracking on the last syllable.
He blinks rapidly as he obviously struggles with a burst of emotion.
My chest swells, making it hard to breathe as I watch him try to regain his composure. I wish there was something to say, something to do, to make this go away for him. No one should have to sit day after day and mentally torture themselves like this.
Fuck.
Finally, after a minute or two, Joseph steadies himself and looks at me. His eyes fill with a seriousness that erases anything in my mind other than this moment.
“When I’m gone,” he says, starting again, “Bellamy will have no one. There will be no one to celebrate her birthdays.” His voice breaks once again.
This time, it doesn’t find its rhythm. “There will be no one to make sure she makes it home after she stays out too long with Larissa. Nobody will make sure she goes to the doctor when she gets bronchitis in the fall or makes her chicken noodle soup without carrots. And that …” Tears stream down his cheeks in a quiet river. “That’s what keeps me up at night.”
He reaches for the tissue box and swipes a few pieces from the container.
I fight back a surge of emotion as I watch him struggle with his burden.
It’s not something I ever imagined. I suppose it’s a privilege to be born into a large family.
I never have to wonder if someone will remember my birthday.
I only have to wonder if they’ll wake me up before I’m ready that morning.
And even though I knew Bellamy would be alone, I’d never thought about it like this.
I try to picture her sitting in this house by herself on Christmas morning. It shreds my heart to think about her being scared on Halloween like she is every year when she watches too many horror movies. I try to picture her with good news to share or being angry or sad and having no one to call.
Just like she is now.
Coy, you are a motherfucking idiot.
“I know you have a life to live,” Joseph says, sniffling.
“And I’m not trying to impose on that. I know she has Larissa and your brother, and I’m thankful for that.
I know she’s a smart, strong girl, too, but …
she’s my baby.” His face twists into a ball of unshed emotion.
“And I need to trust someone to watch over her. To be her friend in a way that only you have ever been. Larissa can help her with some things, and Boone …” He grins. “Well, you know Boone.”
I don’t trust my voice to speak. I just sit quietly and try not to let my emotions play out on my face. I don’t want to make this harder for him.
Joe sighs. “You’re different than the others, Coy. You’ve always been special to Bellamy. And I know this is a lot to ask of you—”
“It’s not,” I say, my voice rough and raw. “You have my word.”
“Thank you.”
Relief settles across his features as he dabs his eyes with that tissue. He lets out a breath and then drops the tissue unceremoniously into a wastepaper basket by the chair. A smile is thrown my way, and then he picks up his remote and turns the TV back up.
I get to my feet, a little unsteadier than I was when I came in, and walk over to his chair. It hits me that this might be the last time I ever see Joseph Davenport. A part of me doesn’t want to leave as if that will somehow delay the inevitable.
I extend my hand toward the man who taught me how to split firewood one summer when I was determined to build muscle for wrestling. He looks up at me and puts his fragile palm in mine.
“I trust that you will remember this conversation,” he says. “And take care of my girl.”
“I will.”
He lets go of my hand. “I’m going back to my show now. Thank you for coming by. It was good to see you, Coy.”
“It was good to see you, Joe. Let me know if you need anything. Please.”
I take a final look at him before I turn around. I head for the front door and step onto the porch as quickly as I can.
The air is cool and nips at my skin as I start back across the lawn. Just before I hit the driveway, a sound from the back of the house snags my attention.
I walk along the driveway, creeping so I’m not seen. I peer around the corner and see Bellamy standing next to the pool with tears streaming down her face.
Take care of my girl.
Fuck.