Chapter Thirteen
Bernie
“Pru, I’m being serious here. He nuzzled me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
“I’m sorry, I am no longer giving advice that you’re just going to ignore. I am willing to be your vent and rant safe space, but I am choosing not to respond to any more of these hypotheticals.”
I glare at her profile. She studiously looks forward as we walk around the track near our apartment building. Pru is not a fan of any kind of exercise that gets her heart rate up, but she will walk with me and I’ll take it.
“Please help me understand how you were a crazy psycho about ‘the Asshole’ but somehow feel like I’m not being fair with Ash?” It had been Pru’s idea to rename Stephen when we talked about him. He’s like a fae, Bernie. His name has power, and speaking it might summon him. I don’t always follow Pru’s fantasy references, but this one seemed solid.
Pru rolls her eyes and walks a little faster.
“Bernie, believe what you want, but I think it’s different. You’re comparing everything he did to you with what the Asshole did. The Asshole was a creep. He used you, he made you think you were less. Everything about Ashish seems like the opposite. Seriously, are we reading the same texts?”
I don’t know how to explain to her that it feels different and the same. Stephen texted and called me all the time after I left him. Apologizing, trying to send me gifts, asking me where I was. I think back to the night I left, how he’d tried to make me stay. His words were so similar to Ash’s pleading that I’d had a hard time separating my feelings and memories when Ash confronted me at the hotel.
When Ash pleaded with me, I could almost hear Stephen yelling, ‘ Goddammit Bernadette, why won’t you just listen! If you would listen, you’d see that this is what’s best for you, that it doesn’t matter. Just listen to me. You’re so young, you don’t really understand how things work.’ He’d caged me into the door and tried to take my keys. He tried to be sweet and sad, then flipped to mad and frustrated. Punching the wall by my head and making me flinch. Using every combination of emotions to twist me up inside and do whatever he wanted me to do.
When Ash confronted me at the hotel, he’d been so earnest, imploring me to ‘please, just listen.’ I don’t think those words meant the same to him as they meant to me.
“I know it’s not the same, but it’s close enough that I just can’t do it, P. I can’t.”
“And you don’t have to. All I’m saying is he seemed like a good guy. Do you feel like he was being a creep today?”
What a question.
“Nuzzling, Pru.” I stomp on the track.
“But was it creepy nuzzling?”
It wasn’t, it really wasn’t.
When Stephen touched me at the conference, I wanted to physically recoil. Just his hand on my shoulder made me want to puke and punch him in the nuts all at the same time. Maybe puke on him, he would’ve hated that. Today, all I wanted to do was arch my neck and invite Ash to kiss my skin for real. Heck, maybe I did.
His actions surprised the hell out of me. For months, he’s been persistent but mostly polite. Asking to call me, telling me something about work, or sending me a picture from one of his rides. Then suddenly he was this living, breathing wet dream in my office, licking frosting off his fingers and rubbing his nose against mine.
“It wasn’t,” I decide. It wasn’t creepy but it was too much.
“You should give him a second chance, go out to dinner with him. Honestly, I don’t really blame him. You’re intimidating when people first meet you.”
I grunt and keep walking. He wasn’t creepy, and given the space the past couple of months have given me to think, I’m also willing to admit this situation has not much in common with the mess I got into with Stephen. But he did lie to me. He did sleep with me without telling me who he really was. And if I’m honest, there’s something about him that makes me want to think about the possibility of leaning on someone again. Letting my heart out of its cage.
It just can’t happen.
“I appreciate that you want me to be happy, Pru.” I reach out and squeeze her hand before swallowing thickly. “But I don’t have it in me to give someone any chances, let alone second ones. Even if he is a good guy and he really was going to tell me the truth, it–” I pinch my lips tightly together looking at the empty bleachers. “I just don’t have it in me.”
And I don’t. The realization is a little devastating. I don’t have it in me to trust someone not to hurt me. Thirty-one years old and I can’t believe in possibilities anymore.
“For now.” Pru’s voice is firm and she stops, tugging on my arm until I face her. “You don’t have it in you for now . And that’s okay.”
I nod even if I don’t really believe her. We finish our last lap before turning toward the chain link fence to exit the track.
“What about you? Are you still seeing the history professor?” Pru might talk a big game, but she’s just as allergic to relationships as I am.
“I see him,” she says lightly, opening the fence and stepping onto the sidewalk.
“And…”
She shrugs. “What can I say, he looks great under me.”
I laugh. “Is he still asking you to meet his parents?”
Pru shakes her head and shoves her hands into the pockets of her skirt. “You know it’s not like that, and I see what you’re doing. You can’t distract me from this. Tell me what you’re going to do about Ash. You said you have to work with him for the next year? Will you see him a lot?”
I sigh. “I’m not sure. I think we’ll have to do some traveling together, but I imagine once the project gets off the ground and maybe he gets more connected with engineering, he’ll lose interest.”
“And the nuzzling?”
I think for a minute. I can almost feel his lips graze behind my ear, see his green-brown eyes, so close to mine as he rubbed his nose across my skin.
“I’m sure he’ll back off when he realizes I’m not an easy lay.” I unlock the side door of our apartment building and lead her up the familiar stairs.
Pru landed an assistant professor position right out of her doctoral program. We had been in the same department but with completely different focuses, crossing paths at a graduate writing workshop. After I graduated, I stayed at Seattle State for a postdoc, working there for two years while she moved halfway across the country. When my life fell apart, I couldn’t imagine going leaving Washington, but she drove thirty-two hours from Indiana to Washington to come get me.
She helped me pack up my stuff from our house while Stephen was at work. She let me cry while she drove thirty-two hours back across the country and set me up in her spare bedroom. I stayed with her for a few months, getting hired on Gail’s team and then getting my own place on the same floor.
“Hey,” I say to her when she starts to unlock her door.
She pauses to look up.
“Thanks for walking with me.”
She leans against her door, crossing her arms, amused.
“I just want you to know I appreciate you, even if you’re being weirdly open about Ashish.”
Now that I’ve seen him again, it’s harder to justify my freakout. I couldn’t help but admire how he’d stood up to Kyle Myers. I’ve worked with a lot of people who were passionate about what they did. Faculty especially are curious people, many love a topic and are dedicated to exploring its every dimension and helping others understand why it’s so important. But Ash--I admired that he was trying to do something with it.
“Maybe I’m just sad for you. Because when you finally decided to get laid, you only had one night,” she quips.
I roll my eyes, turning my back to walk down the hall toward my apartment. There’s a bunch of West Lafayette faculty and staff that live in the building. It seems to be where a lot of the new people end up before they find a house or a bigger place. Out of the six apartments on our floor, only one is empty. Pru’s mentioned she thought it had been recently leased but I haven’t seen anyone new on the floor yet. Not that I would actually talk to them. Because…peopling.
“Whatever,” I say over my shoulder.
“I still think you’re wrong,” she sing-songs, her voice carrying down the hallway making me look over my shoulder.
“You think the nuzzling was creepy?” I mock.
“No, asshole.” Pru finishes unlocking her door and looks at me. “I don’t think he’s going to give up.” I open my mouth to tell her she’s wrong but she interrupts me. “ And , I think you do have it in you.” She winks and quickly retreats, slamming the door behind her.
I’m not sure if I’m rooting for her to be right or wrong.