Chapter Nineteen
Bernie
‘I’m not going anywhere’.
How the hell am I supposed to respond to a sweet, dreamy liar who’s basically stalking me in a non-creepy way?
He winked at me , I think indignantly.
I take a deep breath as I coast down the last hill toward the small coffee shop where our club meets after rides.
Throwing up ended up being the best way to end my misery. I feel infinitely better than I have in the last two hours. Things were fine before the sun started sapping me of the little energy I had while amplifying my nausea. I’m glad the others didn’t have to see it. I don’t know how I know, but Ash won’t say anything.
We park our bikes in the racks outside of the cafe and join the group on the patio. If I don’t look directly at Ash, I can pretend he hasn’t unzipped his jersey to let his chest hair peek out. Coarse and raspy—I swear I can almost feel it against my skin.
I’ve never heard of that kind of synesthesia, but when I see these little pieces of him, it’s like my brain is making me re-experience how it felt. And I was right, his ass in bike shorts is too much. How anyone’s ass can look so round and perfect when squashed against a hard saddle is beyond unfair. I credit watching the striations of his calf muscles bunch as he pedaled, for keeping my stomach under control for the first two hours of the ride.
“Hey!” Mia, one of my co-worker’s wives, pulls me out of my lusty daydreaming with a wave. “Saved you both a seat.”
Something tugs gently on my braid, making me look over my shoulder at Ash. Even a small smile makes his thick eyebrows settle lower. I know he’s not trying to smolder at me but the man is smoldering. “Did you want anything from inside? I’m going to get breakfast.”
My stomach roils at the suggestion, and I shake my head. “Thanks,” I mutter, brushing my hand down his arm. He’s so freaking nice.
‘ I’m not going anywhere.’
He tugs my braid again before heading inside the cafe to order. I head to my seat, proud that I didn’t watch him walk away.
“Hey look, it’s our sweeper!” Talia cheers from another table, and I flip her off. A sweeper is a person who rides behind the last racer on a course to make sure the course is clear. “What, tequila isn’t a good pre-ride drink?”
I scowl at her before turning to Mia. “Mia, do you hear that? I know it’s not the same woman who had to call me last week because she couldn’t figure out how to change her own flat.”
Mia smirks, leaning back in her chair and tapping her chin. “I don’t know, it does sound a lot like the person that called crying after she tried watching a YouTube video on the side of the road because she never bothered to learn how…”
“Okay, you win,” Talia laughs from her table when the other riders start laughing. I sit down and unbuckle my helmet.
“So,” Mia draws the word out slowly, “had a fun night?”
“Pru was pushing margaritas a little hard at her party. How are the girls?” I met Mia through my co-worker, Cody, and immediately tried to convince her to join this club. She had just had her second baby and Cody said she needed a new hobby. The world needs more women who ride bikes. Especially women who have the cutest chunkiest babies I have ever seen.
She pulls her phone from her jersey pocket. “You’re not distracting me by getting me to talk about my adorable children,” she mutters, typing in the passcode on her phone.
I shrug and hold my hand out so I can look at the latest pictures.
“It is criminal the level of cuteness that mixing your genes produces,” I tell her as I flip through her pictures.
Her girls are the sweetest. I’ve watched them a few times so Cody and Mia could go out on a date. The baby has rolls on top of her rolls and the most beautiful brown hair. There aren’t a lot of kids in my extended family, but I’ve enjoyed getting to know my co-worker’s families.
“Tell me how the baby-led weaning is going,” I ask, passing the phone back across the table. Do I care about the ins and outs of her kid trying different types of mashed food? Not really. But I care about Mia, and I know learning about these things so we can talk is important to her.
I absently run my knuckles over my sternum while I listen. Not really sure there’s an ache there.
“She seems to like the beans the most, just like Jilly,” Mia tells me, and I nod. “So, who's the hottie following you around? I didn’t know you were dating someone, Bernie.”
“Oh–” I’m a little startled by the topic change and rush to deny it. “Actually, we’re not–”
“Here’s some lemon water, sunshine. I got you some toast too, in case you’re up for it.”
“Aww.” Mia cups her cheek as Ash sits in the chair next to me. I don’t know how he managed to juggle two plates and glasses, but sure enough, there are two pieces of whole wheat bread on a plate in front of me and some iced lemon water.
I glance at his plate: avocado toast and eggs. I try not to feel surly when I reluctantly pick up my butter knife. Toast does sound kind of good. I spread some butter on the bread and take a tentative bite.
“He calls you sunshine? That’s so sweet and funny. I’m Mia.” Mia thrusts her hand toward Ashish, and he shakes it across the table.
“Ashish Mishra, you can call me Ash. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Did you just start dating? Cody’s always teasing Bernie that her smiles are like a seasonal event.”
“No Mia, uh we’re not–” I croak, so freaking embarrassed.
“Why?” Ash interrupts. “Cody?” He looks at me. “From work?” Holy shit, this is officially off the rails.
Mia nods enthusiastically. “Yes! Cody works with Bernie. Do you work with them? Cody’s my husband. I don’t work at the university, but Bernie sometimes helps out with our girls.”
I’m a little alarmed at the wide smile that crosses Ash’s face. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
“Oh, awesome. Cody’s a great guy. I just started working at West Lafayette, I’m here for a grant.”
Mia is practically bouncing in her seat.
“Mia–”
“Why does Cody joke that she doesn’t smile?” Ash interrupts me again, and I scowl at him before shoving a bit of bread in my mouth.
“I mean…look at her.” Mia laughs at my expense and I chew harder. “Bernie’s kind of a grump. I just mentioned it because you call her ‘sunshine’. I assumed you were teasing her because she’s a grump.” I am not a grump. I’m just – I don’t know. I’m not peppy. I pick the people I’m going to be there for and stick with them. Everyone else feels like work. Why is that a bad thing?
“I don’t call her sunshine because she’s grump,” Ash tells Mia. He glances and then tugs my braid. “I call Bernie sunshine because of the way she makes me feel. Being around Bernie is like being lit up from the inside.”
I feel my jaw dropping and promptly snap it closed. Well if that wasn’t the smoothest shit I’ve ever experienced…
He says the words straight to me before turning to Mia and winking at her. Picking up his toast, he takes a big bite, and I tear my eyes away from his profile to look at Mia. Her eyes are wide and she fans her face with a hand.
Fucked. I am fucked.
“Oh my God,” she says. “That is so freaking sweet . Bernie, you have a keeper here. Ash, Bernie is just the most wonderful person. I can’t wait to tell Cody. We’re always trying to set her up with guys from our church.”
I shake my head as she picks up her phone, likely about to text all of this to Cody. “No, Mia, we’re not–”
“You said you had daughters? Can I see a picture?” Ash interrupts me again.
I’m going to kill him. I try to kick him under the table, but he sweeps his foot behind my ankle to hold my foot between his.
It’s too late now. Mia’s already told Cody. No matter what I say there will be speculation. I have no idea what to do with speculation.
I pull my phone out to text Pru.
Bernie: I think you’ve ruined my life.
Pru: I think you’re a drama queen.
Bernie: Mia thinks we’re dating!!!!
Pru: No way, Mia knows I’m straight. And I would never date you. You’re too emotionally constipated.
Bernie: No, Mia thinks Ash and I are dating.
Pru: My friend, I think you might be dating Dr. Hottie.
Bernie: I’m going to get you back for this. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when. But the moment is coming.
Pru doesn’t reply right away, and part of me starts to panic as I listen to Ash and Mia chat about her daughters. This has to be some kind of freaking joke. Nobody actually wants me like this. A text interrupts my hysteria.
It’s a picture. Of me from last night. I’m on Pru’s couch, sitting right next to Ashish, head resting on his arm, tilted up toward his face, and my hand is just above his knee. Our lips are so close they almost look like they’re touching.
And I’m smiling. Not a drunk loopy smile.
I look…I look enamored.
The kind of smile that you see on a person’s face when they’re falling in love. The kind that makes you want to look away because you’re seeing something private. This smile says I’m so into you.
I don’t remember touching his leg. I thought he had leaned into me, but it was all me. My body is tipped towards him, his hand cupping my shoulder like he’s ready to give me balance if I top over. I look like I’m seconds away from tumbling into his lap.
Pru: I sat in front of you for a full minute and neither of you noticed me. I think I got a second-degree burn.
Bernie: We’re not dating.
Pru: B, you don’t have to date anyone. I know you’re happy with it just being you, and that’s fine. But you’re into this guy. He’s obviously into you. Do whatever will make you happy.
These days, it feels like I’m always at a loss for words. But this burns a little. Since I’ve broken up with Stephen, Pru’s been my hype woman, and I’m not used to being called on my bullshit.
Pru: And Bernie, it’s okay that you’re into him. You’re allowed to move on with your freaking life. Nobody owns your future but you.
She sends a shrugging Elmo GIF, effectively ending the conversation. I know I’m allowed to move on with my life. I have moved on with my life. I am happy. I’m working, I’m trying to dig myself out of this hole that Stephen’s pushed me into. I’m happier than I was when I was someone’s dirty secret—someone’s fool. Ash is a good example of me trying to move on with my life and failing.
Right?
“You’ll have to come over for dinner sometime,” Mia says to Ash before standing.
I realize most of the patio has cleared out. She straps her helmet on so she can ride to her car. “It was so wonderful to meet you, Ash. Bernie, I’ll see you next week?”
I hug her, well aware my smile is weak as hell. Ash is also done with his breakfast, so I swipe up my helmet to get ready to go. I need a toothbrush, a shower, and space.
“Ready?” he says cheerfully.