Chapter Thirty-One
Bernie
It’s going to be fine , I repeat to myself as I stand in the familiar elevator. Mike and Ash flank either side of me, and I shake out my shoulders. It will be fine, it will be fine .
I know Stephen’s not going to do anything in a meeting. I know this sense of doom is just in my head. When I saw him in June, it had been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t the end of the world. I managed, and I’m more than managing now. I’m in a different place than I was in June.
The elevator dings and I feel Ash’s familiar hand against my lower back. I don’t even worry about it. If Mike hasn’t figured out we’re together now, he never will. It’s not a secret. Ash touching me is like breathing or drinking water. It feels necessary.
It will be fine , I think as we check in with Sherri, the receptionist who’s worked at the Seattle State longer than I’ve been alive.
She gushes over how good I look, hugging me before waving us toward the conference room down the hall. It’s the big glass one with the view.
The ‘impress people’ conference room. Stephen likes to host other faculty and donors there for the effect. The cherry blossoms in the Quad are in full bloom, surreal pink clouds, with crisscrossed grass below. There are few things as beautiful as sitting under a cherry blossom tree in the Washington spring, and I’d give almost anything to be out there instead of in here. But there are people already sitting in the conference room waiting for arrival, so I guess spring will have to wait.
I count two faculty I don’t recognize along with Alan Ward, one of the staff who’s in an equivalent position to mine. At the head of the table, Stephen sits in his cool professional glory. He’s wearing a tailored navy suit, his blonde hair perfectly styled to frame his handsome face. He has just enough wrinkles to look distinguished. Objectively, I know he’s handsome. I can see the appeal of his smile and tall lanky frame. He stands and walks around the table to greet us, and I try to subtly shift my body behind Ash’s. He reaches out to shake Ash’s hand.
“Dr. Mishra, it’s great to see you again.”
Alan comes around the table and pulls me into a hug. “Bernie! We’ve missed you. Do you miss the ocean yet?”
I smile and shake my head, reaching out a hand to introduce myself to the other two faculty before bringing Mike forward to start the introductions. I can feel Stephen behind me, and I brace myself when I turn around, stretching my hand out for a shake.
“Dr. Graham, good to see you,” I say pointedly.
His smile is sharp and toothy, but he dutifully shakes my hand before cupping my shoulder. “Dr. Murphy, always a pleasure.” He guides me forward into the chair next to him, and I paste a smile on my face and sit in it.
“Man, Bernie, it’s so great to see you!” Alan says, and I remember why I liked him. He’s one of those happy guys, like Ravi. Alan turns to the faculty and explains that I was a postdoc in their office a few years ago. They nod politely because why would they care?
“It’s good to be back. And just in time for cherry blossom season.” I try to keep my tone bright and light. It’s frankly not my nature, but I do my best. Ash takes the seat next to me, and Mike walks around the table to sit across from us. The conference room is big, and I’m glad that we’re clustered on one end, but I’d rather switch with Ash.
“Dr. Mishra, can you switch seats with me. I think I can reach the outlet better in your seat.” I turn my chair toward Ash to reach down for my bag, and I can see him looking over my shoulder and then looking down at me. I realize that Ash might not have made the connection that my ex was Stephen Graham . His brows furrow when I see realization sink in, the pieces I’ve shared slowly fitting into place.
“Just give it to me, Bernadette. There’s a plug-in right here,” Stephen interrupts, holding his hand out for my power cord. Subtly, I scoot my chair closer to Ash as I pull out my computer and power cable and begin to set up. I open my notes doc as people talk around me, and my discomfort climbs a little higher. I knew it would be uncomfortable, but being sandwiched between these two particular men is a unique kind of hell on Earth I don’t think I deserve.
I can feel Ash’s eyes on me, but I can’t look at him.
“Great, well now that we’re all here and set up, let’s dive in, shall we?” Stephen directs the group to start introductions and turns on the monitor on the far side of the room. He goes through the Seattle States’ objectives and primary questions, and it becomes clear that this meeting really needed to happen between Mike, the Seattle faculty, and Ash. As Mike talks through the hits and misses of his current partnership, I let my eyes wander out the conference room window.
I want to go back in time. I didn’t realize how simple things were when I was in my doctoral program, when my only real worry was the pressure of finishing and I could afford to lie on a blanket, enjoy spring, and bitch about my committee.
Ash cups my knee under the table, and I slowly blink, bringing the room back into focus. Alan looks at me expectantly, and I realize he must have asked me a question.
“Sorry, Alan, what was that?”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go to my office, and we can review the financials while the faculty talk about the curriculum. I had planned on asking you this afternoon, but if you don’t need to take notes for them, we can knock out that meeting now and you can have the afternoon free.”
Get out of this conference room? Hell yes.
Ash squeezes my knee, and I don’t know if that means he wants me to stay or go. I look around the room. Mike and the other engineering faculty are in the thick of reviewing his syllabus.
“Were you planning on talking over the MOUs?” This is really my only area of expertise beyond the money. I restructured Ash’s original agreements with the firm and community partner.
Ash clears his throat. “We might–”
“I don’t think so, Bernadette.” Stephen draws my attention back to him. I don’t even understand why he’s still here. Gail wouldn’t be. She would have done the introductions, made sure everything was on track, and then turned it over to me.
I look at Ash. I want to get out of this room, yet he’s gripping my knee like he’s trying to pin me in place.
“Ashish, do you need anything from me?”
He opens his mouth to respond, but Stephen interrupts him again. “Bernadette, I’m sure you’d like to make the best use of your time. How about we let the subject matter experts discuss the course materials, and when we come back from lunch, we can connect about the MOU? It would be very helpful if you could review the financials with Alan now since he won’t be able to join us this afternoon.”
I try not to flinch at the subtle digs in Stephen’s words. Maybe I’m too sensitive but, there’s nothing quite like the reminder that you don’t have the subject matter expertise: the ‘heart’ of the project, in a way. That's the biggest challenge working in this university partnerships space; I know the structure, the system, and how people and groups might work together. But what do they actually do? I don’t always know the ins and outs of that material. Just because I’m not an engineer doesn’t mean I can’t anticipate the challenges they might have when bringing students, faculty, engineers, and community members together. It’s reasonable that I don’t know everything, yet, Stephen has a gift of making me feel two inches tall.
I sigh, nodding, and pat Ash’s shoulder. “See you at lunch?”
“I think you should stay,” he says quietly, but Stephen and Alan are already standing. They’ve made the choice for me.
I don’t want to make a scene, so I close my laptop and stand. “It will be okay,” I tell him, and I sure as hell hope I’m not lying.
We walk out of the conference room, and my tension eases when Stephen excuses himself and exits the suite. I feel like I can finally breathe as I listen to Alan’s chatter about everything I missed as he walks toward his office. This , I can do this. I pull out my phone to text Ash.
Bernie: It’s just me and Alan, don’t worry.
Ashish: Stephen fucking Graham is your ex?
Bernie: I didn’t realize you didn’t know that he was the Stephen I was referring to.
Ashish: I need to talk to you at lunch, okay?
Bernie: Okay. Is everything okay?
Ashish: Yes, just make sure you come find me right after you’re done with Alan. I need to talk to you.
I stare at his texts with confusion. I don’t understand the urgency. I get it. This is uncomfortable, but it’s not going to go away with a hug or comforting words. It just is.
“Everything okay?” Alan asks because I’m hovering at his office door staring at my phone.
“Yeah, of course. Just got a text from my Mom,” I lie, setting my things down on his desk. I forgot how crazy he was about baseball. I didn’t know it was possible, but he’s managed to squeeze even more Mariners memorabilia onto the walls.
“Are you going to see her now that you’re back?” He sits in his desk chair and powers up his computer, turning one large monitor, so it faces me.
“Yeah, we’re having dinner with her this evening.”
“We?”
I watch as he logs in and opens the budget spreadsheet template I shared with him last week. “Me and Ashish,” I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience with the next words, “We’re dating.”
Alan beams at me. “An office romance? Love it. So, you’re probably not going to move back to Seattle, right?”
“Definitely not the plan.” Honestly, I’m not even sure I miss the Northwest. There’s no doubt that it’s nice to be home, that there’s a way people are here that isn’t the same in the Midwest. Maybe I would miss it more if I didn’t have Pru with me, really the only piece of home I needed to make the transition. She’s originally from Oregon, but it’s similar enough and she spent five years with me here in Seattle while we worked on our doctorates.
“Well, I sure as hell miss your ability to make a spreadsheet that makes sense. I’ve created a version for us on this tab. Would you mind if I walked you through it to see if there are any mistakes in the formulas?” I nod and lean forward to get a better look at the monitor.