20. Chapter 20
Chapter twenty
JUDE GRAVES
I can’t believe I kissed her. My entire body is vibrating with the need to do it again, but I’m nervous to even look directly at her. I didn’t hurt her. Thank fuck. But I can’t ignore the fact that I want to do it again.
And that’s the problem. Because I don’t trust myself.
She’s saying my name, but I can’t hear her properly. Everything sounds muffled. My ears are ringing, and all I can focus on is the taste of her still lingering on my tongue, the memory of her soft lips against mine replaying in flashes I can’t shut off.
My body reacts even if my mind is fighting. It remembers her. Even now.
There’s a tight, restless energy twisting inside me that’s sharp and confusing and too much all at once. It doesn’t match the panic in my head, doesn’t match the fear clawing at my ribs. It just exists, like some part of me refuses to forget what she is to me.
I drag a hand down my face, trying to ground myself, trying to pull everything back under control. When I finally force myself to look up, it’s not at her. It’s at Micah. And just like that, memories start pushing through.
Us, years ago. Crashing on the same shitty mattress.
Sharing everything because we had nothing else.
Withdrawal nights where we’d barely sleep, just lie there sweating and shaking.
Or making sure the other one didn’t stop breathing when we took too much.
Shows. Chaos. Nights where I’d return with blood staining my hands and exhaustion in my eyes.
And he stayed anyway.
“Micah,” I croak, holding his blue gaze.
His throat bobs, seemingly catching onto the energy I’ve latched onto. I know he’s trying to figure out where I am right now and whether I’m about to disappear again.
Don’t lose this. Don’t fucking lose this. And her.
Fuck.
I want to look at Emma. I do. But I’m scared of what happens if I do it again. Scared that whatever just happened won’t stop next time. That maybe I’ll hurt her instead. I almost did, and it took everything in me not to fucking choke her. Why? Why the fuck is it so hard?
Thankfully, she’s keeping her distance from me.
“Do you need us to leave?” Micah asks quietly.
“We can go,” Emma adds.
Yes.
No.
Jesus Christ.
“I don’t have time to get better now,” I say, the words coming out rough as reality slams back into me. Alexei found us. His men are out there, watching us. Threatening the people I love. “Chain me to the chair. Now.”
Micah’s face twists. “What? Why?”
“I want to try this again,” I push out, even though my hands are already starting to shake. “I need to get over this shit.”
Because if I don’t, I’m going to be useless. Worse than useless. A dangerous liability.
There’s a heavy pause before Emma speaks again. “You took a big step today, Jude. Alexei gave us a timeline. We can try again tomorrow.”
I exhale hard through my nose, trying to blow out the frustration, the pressure building inside me.
“You haven’t even been able to look at me again,” she says softly.
That stops me, because she’s right. I haven’t. I swallow, my throat tight. I was barely able to control it. I felt it building, that snap, that violent edge I don’t understand anymore, like my body was about to choose something for me. Like I was about to hurt her.
And then I kissed her instead.
“It’s okay,” she says, and I hear her footsteps moving away.
Something in me reacts immediately, and before I can stop myself, I force my head up. To look at her. And the second I do—
It hits.
The chair. The restraints. The fucking wires and batons and fists. The way they used her her fucking existence against me until my brain stopped separating her from pain. My body reacts even if I try to fight it. I flinch.
Her expression falters, just slightly, and it guts me in a way nothing else has. I want to apologize and to fix this. I want everything back the way it was before I got turned into this—
But something is still wrong inside me.
Will I ever be normal again?
Will I ever be able to touch her without my body bracing for pain? Do I still love her the way I’m supposed to? Or is that broken now, too?
Emotion swells so fast it almost chokes me. It feels foreign and overwhelming and too fucking big after feeling nothing for so long. Hope. Fear. Both, tangled together in a painful knot inside me.
I turn away, biting down hard on the inside of my cheek just to keep it together. “Fuck…”
“I’ll be back soon,” Micah says quietly.
I nod, but I don’t trust my voice. The door opens, then closes, the lock sliding into place with a final, heavy click. And just like that, I’m alone again. Locked away from everyone else because I'm a goddamn wild animal that they're nervous around.
My legs give out, and I drop to the floor beside the bed, elbows braced on my knees, head hanging as everything inside me starts collapsing in on itself.
I want to protect them.
That thought comes through clearer than anything else. It’s stronger than any of the fear or confusion.
Why the fuck did they save me?
My chest tightens painfully as I drag in a breath that doesn’t feel like enough. They shouldn’t have. Because now they’re part of this. And I know exactly how this ends.
They’re going to die.