Chapter 10 #3
The calm Sebastian habitually wore like a cloak evaporated, and his hands curled to fists before he forced them to relax.
She was going back to school. Going back on everything she’d said.
When push came to shove, when it was time for her to actually stand up for herself and confront her father, she couldn’t escape conditioning.
All her talk about the therapy program, about expansion, research, and funding, was nothing more than Laurel spinning dreams so she wouldn’t have to think about going back to school.
But clearly, even if she didn’t want the law, she wanted her parents’ approval more than she wanted their dream.
She was leaving, exactly as he’d known she would.
He couldn’t stay here, couldn’t just act like everything was fine and she hadn’t just ripped his heart out.
Fixing what he hoped was a neutral expression on his face, he interrupted.
“I’m sorry, I need to slip out and take care of some things with the horses.
Mr. and Mrs. Maxwell, it was nice to see you again. Athena, thanks for the snacks.”
Did they hear the edge to his voice?
Laurel certainly did. He could feel her eyes on him, her worry a palpable thing, but he didn’t look at her. Couldn’t and maintain his tenuous control. He was out of the house and headed for the barn before his temper could boil over.
He’d known. From day one, he’d known this would happen.
He’d known getting involved with her was a bad idea, but he’d let himself believe, let himself hope, that this time—with her—it would be different.
That this time, he would be enough. But, of course, he wasn’t.
He never had been. The whole thing had been a fantasy for her, not something real.
Not the way it was for him. He’d been a damned fool for investing in it, in her.
She’d promised she’d stay, and at the first test, she immediately flipped her position.
How could he take anything she said at face value?
Laurel cornered him in the barn. “What’s wrong?”
He didn’t even try to dial back the temper, didn’t have it in him to try to cobble together some more control. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Are you kidding me right now?”
“I’m really not. What are you so angry about?” How could she stand there looking so fucking calm?
“You. This whole time you’ve been paying lip service to the idea of making a change, making a new choice, choosing something else. Choosing me. And the moment you have to confront the reality of doing the hard thing—the thing you claimed to want, you back down.”
Her brows drew together. “I’m not backing down.”
“Bullshit. What the hell do you call that back there?”
“Strategy. I’m not going to start a war and ruin Christmas over this. That’s not fair to Athena and Logan.”
“Is that really what this is? Because it seems like you’re just going to put it off and put it off, quelling in the face of your father every time and chickening out.”
“I’m not chickening out. We agreed to wait until we’d had the opportunity to talk things through with Logan.
That was your stipulation. And I’m fine with that because I’m not about to announce to my parents that I’m changing my whole life without being able to present an airtight plan for what I’m doing instead.
That would be tantamount to me going into court with zero preparation and expecting to win the case. ”
But this wasn’t a case. This was his life. The lives of his animals. Now that he was free of the dream she’d woven, he realized exactly how huge a leap he was willing to take—and on what certainty? Absolutely none. He could lose all of it on her whim.
“You’re going back to school.”
Her eyes lightened with comprehension. “Is that what this is about?”
“You said you were going to walk away. That you wanted to stay.”
“I do want to stay. But I never said I wasn’t going to finish school. I only have one semester to go and then I have my degree.”
“For the career you don’t want.”
“I’m not going to just throw away my education. As Ivy said, there are a lot of things you can do with a law degree besides courtrooms and contracts. It’s foolish to come this far, to have worked this hard, and not finish what I started. Finishing school is not taking the job.”
“Sure, you say that now. And what happens in five months when you graduate and you’ve got that shitpile of job offers from big firms and your dad is pushing you to take them? What then?”
She angled her head, eyes faintly narrowed, as if she was having to explain this all to a simpleton. “Then I walk away. By then I’ll have the details figured out for what, exactly, I’m doing.”
As long as he’d believed she was staying, as long as he’d been invested in the dream of them running the program together, he’d been fine. But the cold reality was that she could change her mind at any time, leaving him with something he had neither the desire nor the ability to handle.
Hell no.
She took a step toward him. “Baby, we’ll figure out the details. It’ll be okay.”
“I can’t do this.” The words came out in a whisper. A truth he didn’t want to voice.
“I didn’t hear you. What?”
Sebastian shook his head. “I can’t do this again. I can’t change my whole life on the off-chance that you’ll—”
“That I’ll what?”
That you’ll love me. That I’ll be enough for you. “That you’ll stay. That you won’t take off because you got a better offer, or because your dad threatened to disown you, or because you decide that this isn’t what you want either.”
She stared at him, a mix of emotions he couldn’t read flickering over her face. “You don’t trust me. That’s what this is. You don’t trust that I’ll keep my word.”
How could he? They barely knew each other.
Certainly they had physical intimacy, even friendship and affection.
But they didn’t have history. There was no track record that she’d do anything but what she’d always done.
He’d poured so much of himself, his belief, into this fantasy she’d spun for him, and it was all built on a foundation made of shifting sands.
“Do you seriously believe that I’d put all this effort into something I have no intention of following through on?” she demanded.
“I don’t think you’re lying.” He didn’t doubt that her heart was in the right place. “I think you fully intended to do this when you came up with the idea.”
“I fully intend to do it now.”
“I think you think you do.”
Sebastian knew the moment she lapsed into lawyer mode. Her shoulders straightened and a battle light came into her eyes. “But I’m not smart enough to know my own mind?”
“It’s got nothing to do with intelligence.
But you spent literally years denying your instincts.
How do you know you really want the life you’ve painted with me?
Maybe it’s just the more appealing of the two options.
” That was hardly a contest. But it didn’t mean it was what she wanted for the rest of her life.
“I’m not sure which one of us you just insulted more.”
“Just calling it like I see it.”
“Then you’re fucking blind. Do you have any idea how much trust it’s taken me to get this far?
You’ve been right here with me for the past two weeks.
You know exactly how terrifying all of this is for me.
I am taking this leap, giving up everything I planned, everything I’ve worked for, because of you.
Because you were with me. You’ve supported me every step of the way.
And that was all good and fine for you, because all the concessions were mine.
But the moment you need to give a little, you’re not willing to meet me halfway.
You’re not even willing to try because you’re so afraid. ”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He was a fucking Ranger. He wasn’t afraid.
Hands fisted, she faced him. “You’re so terrified of being abandoned again, you won’t even take the chance on me, on us.
You’re standing there inventing a problem where there was none to create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so you can tell yourself you were right. That everybody leaves, including me.”
Temper sparked. That wasn’t what he was doing. And he wasn’t about to apologize for wanting to protect himself before getting in any further over his head. Not trusting himself to speak, he kept his mouth shut.
At his silence, she simply nodded, as if he’d confirmed something. “That’s what I thought.”
Without another word, she turned on her heel and strode back to the house. He didn’t try to stop her.
As soon as she disappeared inside, he stalked to his truck.
He didn’t even know where he was going other than away.
Away from the farm, away from the damned if he did and damned if he didn’t decision awaiting him there.
He didn’t realize he was going to Harrison and Ivy’s until he stood on the porch, still vibrating with fury.
Harrison opened the door, took one look at his face and called out, “Ivy! Get the good whiskey!”