Chapter 7 #2
After pressing a kiss to Hunter’s temple, Theo ushers him back into the house and steps onto the porch.
“Let’s walk to the goat barn.”
“The goat barn?”
Theo grins. “Yep. I’ll introduce you to my favorite girl, Lila.”
As we walk, he talks. About nothing, really, but it makes me feel better. “She was just a baby when I first visited. Bottle-fed and everything. Only a week or so old. She’s grown so much now, but she seems to always be able to calm me down when I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
I follow him wordlessly, and when we step into a barn, we’re nearly bombarded by goats.
“Lila,” he calls out, and a little ball of brown and white comes flying at us. “Wanna sit in the hay with me? She’s a big baby. She’ll come cuddle in your lap like a dog.”
“Like a dog?” I echo as I sit down next to him in the hay.
He nods. “Yep. She’s spoiled.” Gesturing toward me, he smiles. “Pat your thighs.”
I do, and Lila does exactly what Theo said, curling into my lap and resting her head on my thigh. “Oh wow,” I breathe, staring down at her. “What a cute little girl you are.”
“You can pet her. She’s an attention whore. She’ll love it.”
I rub my fingers over her head, and she pushes into it, which makes me laugh, so I do it again. The more I stroke her head, the more relaxed I feel, and the next time I open my mouth, words start pouring out.
“I grew up in eastern Tennessee, in a town even smaller than this one. My mom was a drug addict. She didn’t start that way, but she met my stepfather, Melvin, and well…
” I take a deep breath, not daring to look up at Theo.
“Then she was all about meth or crack or heroin. Whatever she could get her hands on.”
Theo hums but doesn’t speak.
“We were poor. Like… don’t-know-where-our-next-meal-is-coming-from poor. It was rough. I left when I was twenty. Melvin was an abusive prick, and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”
“That’s understandable,” Theo says softly.
“I regret it.”
“Leaving?” he asks.
I shake my head, then nod. “Yes and no. Honestly, no. But also, yes. I know that’s confusing.” I take a deep breath. “Fuck.”
Squeezing my eyes closed, I focus on the fur beneath my fingers. “Can I tell you something no one else knows?”
“Of course.”
“I left people I didn’t want to leave, but I didn’t have a choice.”
“Friends?” Theo guesses.
“That too.” I open my eyes, keeping them glued to Lila. “Siblings. Salem and Nora. When I left, they were twelve and seven.”
“So fifteen and ten now?” Theo asks.
I nod. “Yeah. Mom was clean when I left. But…” I sigh. “Right after I got to Silverpine, Salem called and told me CPS removed them. They’re in foster care. I’m trying to get them. I just rented a house in town, and I have a home visit next week.”
Theo squeezes my shoulder. “That’s really great, Arlo. That’s amazing, really. A big responsibility, but great.”
I finally look up at him. “You’re not going to tell me you don’t think I can do it?”
Theo’s eyebrows draw together. “Of course not. It’s gonna be hard, I’m sure.
” I nod, and Theo continues. “But… life is full of hard things. Being without your siblings is hard; knowing they’re in foster care is hard.
” He shrugs. “Raising kids is hard, I’m sure.
Being everything you’ll need to be for that at what?
Only twenty-three? That’s hard too. We get to choose our hard, though.
And it sounds like you’ve chosen yours.”
“You really think I can do it?” I ask, heat flooding my face at the way my voice cracks.
“Of course I do. You might be young, but you’re one of the steadiest people I know. I was surprised to find out how old you were. But given what I know of your childhood now, it makes more sense.”
I look back down at Lila. “Thank you.”
“No need to thank me.”
We sit in silence for a while, with me petting Lila and Theo picking at a piece of hay.
Finally, he breaks the silence. “How does this play into things with Jasper?”
“I’m in love with him.”
If I thought that would shock Theo, it doesn’t. “And does he feel the same way about you?”
I shrug. “Says he does. But how can I be sure when he doesn’t know anything about me?”
Theo hums. “I think he probably knows a lot about you.”
“He doesn’t want kids,” I interject.
“Did he tell you that?”
“I asked if he wanted kids, and he said he never saw that for his life.”
“Ah.” Theo is silent for a while before he sighs. “Can I ask something?” I nod. “Does he know about the kids?”
I shake my head. “No. I was gonna tell him, but then I asked if he wanted kids, and he said no. There’s no point in telling him. Things wouldn’t have worked out anyway. No point in dragging it out.”
“Don’t you think you should give him the chance to make that decision for himself?”
I laugh. Didn’t he hear what I just said? “I did that.”
“I don’t think you did, though,” Theo says cautiously, and I glance up at him. “You gave him a hypothetical situation. I don’t want kids either, but if Hunter came with two, I’d want them.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense.”
Theo gives me a small smile. It’s not mocking or mean. It’s patient. Kind, almost. “Sure it does.”
I frown. “Either you want kids or you don’t. It’s pretty simple.”
“There’s a difference in not wanting abstract kids and not wanting the kids of the man you love.” He shrugs. “Loving someone changes things.”
“I don’t want to trap him.”
Theo cocks his head. “Do you think you’d be trapping him?”
“Yes.” The word comes out too fast and sharper than I mean for it to. “If I tell him now? After he already told me he never saw kids in his future? That’s unfair.”
“Or,” Theo counters, “it’s giving him the full picture and letting him choose for himself.”
“What are you saying?”
Smiling again, Theo reaches over, scratching Lila’s back. “I’m saying I think you need to have this talk with him.”
“And what if he just proves me right and tells me he doesn’t want kids? Then what?”
God, that would break my fucking heart. Which is stupid since I already fucking know.
“Then you know for sure. Is it a hard talk? Yeah. Is what you’re going through right now hard? Is missing him hard? Is loving him and not feeling like you can share so much of yourself hard?”
I nod, tears burning my eyes. “So fucking hard.” Theo raises his eyebrows. “Are you about to tell me to choose my hard?”
Holding his hands out in the air, Theo grins. “I mean…”
I sigh, slumping. “I panicked when he told me he loved me. Then I ran. It was like the floor opened up and almost swallowed me whole. Because if he loves me and he means it…” Fuck, I know he means it.
“If he means it, then that means you have to tell him,” Theo finishes for me, and I nod. “And if you tell him, then that means he might tell you no outright. Not just hypothetically.”
“Exactly,” I whisper. “And that would fucking hurt.”
Theo leans back, bracing his hands behind him. “I’m gonna be honest, okay?”
I nod. “Okay.”
“He might say no.” My heart nearly cracks in two. “But,” Theo says quickly, “he might say yes. And you won’t know until you talk to him. Until you give him all the facts and let him choose.”
“I’m afraid,” I choke out, my voice barely audible.
“I know…” Theo glances at me. “For what it’s worth? I talked to him in the diner. He’s… fuck. He’s really in love with you. It was written all over his face. He was… wrecked.”
I know he was. I saw it too. It’s been playing on a loop in my mind all day. That look is the reason I’m here.
“What do you think I should do?” I whisper.
Theo squeezes my hand. “I think you should go talk to him.”
I nearly laugh. “And say what?”
Giving me a sad smile, Theo exhales a breath. “That you love him too and that you’re terrified. And then tell him why. Give him a chance.”
I really am terrified. Everything could go wrong. But hell, it’s already wrong. How much more wrong could it be? He could tell me for sure that he doesn’t want kids—or me. And if he does… Well, at least then I’ll know. That’s gotta be better than this, right?
“I’ll go talk to him,” I hear myself saying. “I think I have to. At least then I’ll know for sure. You won’t…” I pause, glancing at Theo. “You won’t tell anyone about this, right? I’ll tell everyone eventually. I just…”
Theo shakes his head. “I won’t tell a soul.”
Relief floods me. “Thank you.”
“Any time,” Theo says. “Any time at all.”