Chapter 4 #2
The worst part was that she was right. Mom would understand; she’d even encourage me.
I just felt guilty that I’d be searching for a father who’d abandoned us.
I’d be searching for a way to crush Mom’s dreams. It would be different if he had only abandoned me, but he had left Mom, too.
She didn’t speak about it often, but I could tell it wasn’t a pain easily forgotten.
Months after he’d left, we’d eventually moved from a small village in the north to Sandrin.
It was as if Mom forced herself to take steps forward.
“What if your mom is right and you can’t find him?” Seraphina asked.
I folded my arms over my chest. “It’s a possibility, I guess. I think it’s unlikely.”
Seraphina must have seen my resolve. She nodded and let it drop.
“What about Ambrose?” Luna asked. “You two worked so well together. Now you’re, what? Competing?”
I shrugged. Confronting these emotions had drained me, but at least my beast behaved with Luna and Seraphina. “I assume so. Though he doesn’t see it that way. He thinks the position is already his.”
Luna opened her mouth like she’d respond, but Seraphina elbowed her, and she closed it.
“What? He does. His friends were already joking about it when I left today.”
They shared a glance and nodded.
I put my hands on my hips again. “Yes, working with him on Luna’s inn was …
not terrible. But this is different. Not only because I want the position for my own reasons”—I swallowed around the partial admission—“but also because the position should not go to a fae who expects to have it handed to him.”
Luna looked like she’d interrupt again, but Seraphina’s hand slipped to her wrist and squeezed.
“I may not have the Vesten qualifications on history, but I do have qualifications. Gabriel took a chance on me as a half-fae, and I haven’t let him down. I know I can do this.”
I wanted so badly to keep going, to add and how amazing would it be for the Vesten Court to have a half-fae in such an important position?
It will only help them to understand that we’re not less than them.
The words just wouldn’t come out. Even with my closest friends, with females who were also half-fae struggling to find their place between human and fae society, I couldn’t bring myself to voice the want.
My breaths were heavy. Luna stepped forward, placing her hands on my shoulders. “We’re on your side. Always.” She glanced at Seraphina and added, “Maybe let Ambrose speak for himself, but do what you need to do to achieve your goals.”
A long exhale escaped my lips as they both invaded my space and hugged me. Some part of me wanted to cry over the unconditional support. Another part of me wanted to rage about how unfair it was that the fae courts didn’t see these females as perfect just the way they were.
We returned to the busy tavern, and my heart was a little lighter. I wished I could speak as freely and confidently as Luna and Seraphina. Their words made all my concerns seem a little less bad—at least for the moment.
I hung my apron back on the hook and prepared to leave. As I perused the tables a final time, I stopped on a middle-aged brunette who hadn’t been there before I went outside. She was alone with a book propped against the table, unaware as I approached.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
Her bright green eyes blinked up at me. They were one of our few features that didn’t match. My eyes were dark brown, almost black like my hair.
Mom took her time pulling herself from whatever fantastical story she read. I got my love of books from her. She’d seldom been without one when I was a child. While her taste veered toward the fictitious and the happily-ever-after, as I grew older, mine gravitated toward history and fact.
Her button nose twitched as she took in the scent of stew at the table next to her. Then her bow-shaped lips curved into a smile. “Hi, honey. I thought we could eat our evening meal here when you finished working.”
“Sure. I just finished. Let me put in our order and tell Mina we’re staying.”
Once the task was complete, I returned to the table with Mom. “How was your day?”
She set the book aside and gave me her full attention, which she was almost religious about. We had a meal together whenever possible, and no distractions were accepted. “Oh, fine. A lot of visitors from Long Night are still in town. So we had a lot of customers browsing the book shop.”
The recent winter solstice holiday had been the busiest in Sandrin in my lifetime.
Until recently, the continent had been plagued by a mist that left those caught within suspended in a sleeplike trance.
Now that the fae court leaders had removed the plague and restored those affected to their rightful state, the world seemed much more populated.
Mom bit the inside of her lip. “Not the visitor I guess I’m looking for, but…” She shrugged and trailed off. It was as if she handed me the conversation on a silver platter.
When I was younger, I wanted to believe Mom’s story about my father, but eventually, I’d decided to face facts: he’d left us, and he wasn’t coming back.
The need to shift rippled beneath my skin.
While I still didn’t particularly want to find him, my beast made things complicated.
Plus, it would put to rest once and for all Mom’s ludicrous belief that he was coming back.
“Mom.”
She waved me off. “I don’t need a lecture tonight, honey. I know what you think about my hope.”
I sat up straighter in my chair. “Mom, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“I am competing for a promotion at work.”
“A promotion! Oh, sweetie, that’s incredible. You haven’t even been there that long. Congratulations.”
I ran my hand over my braid, suddenly feeling like Ambrose with how he always made his own hair untidy when he was uncomfortable. Why would I think of Ambrose now, of all times? I guessed he was my competition. I pushed the stray thought away and focused on Mom.
“Remember how we used to talk about moving to Compass Lake?”
It was a village nestled in the mountains. The very heart of fae politics, and the one place Mom and I had never belonged. I think that was why she’d suggested it. She had wanted so desperately for me to find peace with my fae side, maybe even more than she wanted my father to return.
She smiled a little sadly. “I remember. Your father always talked about the lake’s beauty. But what does that have to do with the promotion?”
“The position is Vesten historian. The historian works very closely with the Vesten Point, so those in the position can choose to live in Sandrin or Compass Lake Village.”
Mom looked thoughtful. “I would love to live there. But would you?”
She knew me too well, seeing things I thought no one did. Maybe I was only fooling myself that I hid them in the first place.
“I think I could do some good there.” I paused and pressed forward with the subject I needed to broach. “At the very least, it would give me access to the Vesten Court records.”
Mom’s face fell.
“It would give me access to find my father once and for all.”
She folded her arms over her chest. “Is that the only reason you want the promotion? To prove me wrong? To tell me I’ve been a fool all these years for waiting for him?”
“What? No. Mom. I need answers about my…” Something sizzled beneath my skin, and I cut myself off to focus on my deep breathing exercise.
Mom pressed, “Your shift?”
I nodded through an inhale but also hid a wince. Like with Luna and Seraphina, I only told Mom half of the story. For her, it was the more relevant part—the part with an opportunity to cause her pain, but still…
Why had I been able to spout my wants so freely to Ambrose this afternoon?
Mom worried her lip. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what his animal was. That sounds silly, doesn’t it? He just always seemed so private about his shift. I never watched him do it.”
It wasn’t much to go on, but perhaps my father was extra secretive about his shift because his animal form was unusual.
I wouldn’t know until I talked to him about it.
Some part of me felt bad that I required my father for this.
Mom had done everything she could for me.
She’d loved me unconditionally, had been there for me through the human changes and the Vesten even though, as a human herself, she did not know the Vesten ways.
I never wanted her to feel like she hadn’t met my needs.
She’d never failed me. It was always him who had.
“It’s alright, Mom.” I downplayed the animal that pushed to the forefront with my emotions. “I’m managing. But I’d like to worry about it less. I think he could answer some of those questions for me.”
“What makes you think you can find him? When he hasn’t been able to find us?”
I sighed. It seemed too harsh to remind her that I didn’t think he was looking for us. Mom and I would disagree on that fact until we heard it from the male’s mouth. “The Vesten historian is responsible for the court record keeping. At the very least, there is an annual census.”
She gave me a searching look as our food was delivered.
“Thanks, Mina,” I said.
“You two need anything else?”
I shook my head. “This looks great.”
As Mina walked away, Mom reached for me, placing her hand over mine.
“If you’re sure this is what you want, you don’t have to worry about me.
I will be fine with whatever you learn. You’ve never been one to give up on a question that was hard to answer.
This is no different. I have no doubt you’ll get the promotion. ”
With a quick squeeze, she removed her hand, and I dipped a chunk of homemade bread into the vegetable stew while it cooled. “Thanks, Mom.” I had never doubted her support. It was the hope lingering in her eyes that worried me.
“Now,” she said, cutting into her meat pie and watching the steam escape. “Who are you competing against for the promotion? Is it that handsome Ambrose boy? Tell me everything.”
I took a bite of the stew-soaked bread and raised an eyebrow at Mom.
“What? We’re not ignoring facts, are we? We can beat him while also acknowledging that his appearance is quite appealing.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Mom, of course it’s Ambrose. He’s the only one in the library who stands a chance.” I said it with a confidence I wasn’t sure I felt, leaving off what I’d discussed with Seraphina and Luna about Ambrose’s father. I didn’t want to hear Mom’s well-intentioned platitudes.
Tonight, I wanted to imagine that I could find the information Lord Arctos required before Ambrose did.
I wanted to imagine that my unique skill set and thorough understanding of blood magic would help solve the god’s problem.
I wanted to imagine that I’d be awarded the promotion because of my accomplishments, regardless of who my competition was.