CHAPTER TWELVE
COURTNEY
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Is he trying to humiliate me?
Where is John?
Ugh. I’ve told him I didn’t have an affair and that I’m not seeing him anymore. That should be enough.
He’s my lawyer. He should believe me.
Asking Kylie and trying to set me up was dirty. I guess that’s why I hired him.
But as Zander once said, this isn’t a murder trial. I don’t need to prove my innocence. If Adam wants to find evidence that doesn’t exist, then he can waste his time.
Zander just made me look like a hussy in front of his friends. The goddamn stupid handsome meanie.
I pace the bathroom, grateful it’s empty.
I stop and stare at myself in the mirror. All I see is a young girl who just wanted more for herself in life. Who didn’t want to end up like her mother with some loser? I hate thinking of my father like that, but it’s the truth.
I’m proud I haven’t ended up addicted to drugs or alcohol like they are. Sure, there’s a big part of me who feels that not a dollar of Adam’s money is mine, but the law says differently.
I didn’t cheat.
I tried to be a good wife.
I did as he asked.
I tried to get pregnant and give him a child, but I couldn’t. The shame with that is enormous, coupled with his abuse.
The doctors said they didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, that my painful periods would be a contributor and stress didn’t help, so give it a full year. At that point, they said testing Adam’s sperm would give us the answers we sought.
He refused.
He told me I was trying to blame him and was lying to the doctors.
My eyes lower as they begin to fill.
The entire experience was horrible, and now I don’t even know if I want a baby. I do. I just want it to be natural and happy. To feel supported and safe.
I can only imagine the joy of holding my baby in my arms for the first time as I gaze into his or her pretty eyes. Every day teaching it what I’ve learned about life and guiding it through this journey of being human.
At almost twenty-six, I know there is time, but who knows how long it will take me to meet someone new. To love them enough to commit and then get to the point where we both want to marry and have children.
So, the clock is ticking.
I thought I loved Adam, but every day I question myself. When he hit me, all the love vanished into thin air, but I thought it would return.
It never did.
He has never apologized, and while it would be easy to assume he feels guilty, I don’t think he does. I think I was a tool in his life plan—pretty young wife, babies next.
If Adam feels anything, it’s anger that I didn’t produce his heir and that he might be responsible (unlikely, but possible). So, I doubt he’ll bring the topic up during settlement discussions.
It would lead to that fateful and painful day.
And that would embarrass him.
The crazy thing is, a week after I left, I thought I was pregnant. Every day I prayed for my period to arrive, begging to not be linked to Adam for the rest of my life through a child.
I waited to test for several days. Then, the morning I woke up, knowing I couldn’t torture myself any longer, I felt a stabbing pain and ended up having the heaviest period of my life. God, my hormones and emotions were all over the place. I sat in the bathroom, bawling my eyes out in relief.
What did that say about me?
What sort of mother would I be who didn’t want it even while in my womb?
I hated Adam for what he’d turned me into.
Knock, knock.
The loud banging on the door startles me.
“Courtney!”
My head snaps around as I recognize Zander’s voice.
Shit.
I glance in the mirror at my blotchy face and panic. With no purse, I have nothing to touch it up. Spying the rolled hand towels, I dart across the small space, but the door flies open before I reach them.
I freeze, taking in the large, formidable attorney who stands in the doorway looking as if he’s ready to fight a lion.
“Why didn’t you answer?” Zander growls. I open my mouth to answer, but he crosses the room, taking my face in his hand. “Did I do this? Did I make you cry?”
I shake my head.
Why do I want to slam my fist against his chest while also hoping he’ll kiss me? This man drives me insane.
“No...fine, yes.” My eyes lift to his. “You embarrassed me, Zander.”
Glowering blue eyes meet mine as a surge of desire plows through me, and I hear myself gasp.
He moves closer somehow, although I don’t see him move, as if our bodies are magnets drawn together from carnal need. Hungry. Ignoring all the reasons why this is forbidden and wrong.
I see what he’s been hiding.
Zander Sterling wants me. He craves my mouth as I do his. Torrents of desire blaze within his deep globes like a storm is brewing.
It is. Because we can’t do this.
He can’t do this as the law doesn’t permit it.
“I’m sorry,” Zander rasps, apologizing for embarrassing me, but he doesn’t move away, and that tells me even more.
“Please trust me, Zander. I’m not lying. I met John after I left Adam. I thought I loved my husband, and even after I realized it was over, I had no desire to stay and be unfaithful.”
Zander curses, his hand falling away.
I close my eyes at the loss of his touch, wishing for a split second that I was his. That he was mine. That I could feel his mouth on mine and be wrapped in his arms.
To be able to run my hands up his chest and know what his cock feels like inside me.
It’s wrong.
I shouldn’t think these thoughts, but I do. I’ve laid in bed, ridden through the streets, walked through lobbies, rinsed dishes... gone about my life for weeks thinking about this man.
My attorney.
My eyes fly open as Zander takes my hips.
“Courtney. Fuck,” he rasps, as I hold my breath. “I need to pass your job onto another partner. I’m excessively attracted to you and...Jesus, I’m sorry. This has never happened before.”
No!
I can’t lose him.
Not as a lawyer, but also Zander’s presence in my life, while he’s been rude and intolerable...he’s like a rock.
A rock that I need at this moment.
“No.” I step back, bumping into the wall. “No. I want you. I mean, I want you. Clearly, I’m attracted to you.” Oh god, stop talking. “I want you to remain my attorney. You’re the best. Otherwise, Adam will take everything.”
Dominant eyes hold mine.
“I could get disbarred. I won’t risk that.” His voice is rough.
“Nothing has happened.” My eyes lower to where he holds my hips.
“No, but I want this dress stretched over your tits while I fuck you,” Zander growls, leaning in closer, his lips almost on mine. “And you fall to pieces.”
Oh, fuck.
I want that, too.