CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
COURTNEY
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“Where are you?” Kylie asks.
“Just leaving Nordstrom,” I say, shifting the shopping bags onto my other wrist as I put my earbuds in. “Sorry, I’m just not feeling up to going out tonight. This week was hard dealing with Adam.”
“Honey, the party is at Rock, the new rooftop bar. Have a shower, put on a gorgeous dress,” Kylie insists.
I check the license plate on the waiting car with my Uber app and race across the sidewalk.
“Courtney99?” the driver asks, and I nod, then climb in.
“Thanks for waiting,” I say, then focus back on my call. “Sorry, babe, I’m just exhausted. I walked for hours and then ended up going to a movie, then did some shopping.”
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
Everything. I wanted to escape my life. I didn’t want to go home and think about everything, so I distracted myself every way I could.
Now I’m going to collapse with Chinese takeout.
“Divorce is hard,” I say instead, arranging my bags on the seat. “Adam is lying and accusing me of things that aren’t true. It’s stressful.”
“Yeah, that’s not nice,” she agrees, but I know she doesn’t fully understand. How could she? “If you change your mind, let me know. I’ll call you tomorrow to get lunch, honey.”
“Have fun and be careful.”
“I will. The girls from the YSL shoot this week are meeting me there along with a few of the photographers,” Kylie shares. “One is very cute.”
She won’t miss me.
Kylie has always been more social than I have, probably because I was married to Adam, who kept a short leash on me. It’s been fun having complete freedom, but I’m still not a party girl like she is.
I tuck my phone into my pocket and watch as we move through traffic toward my building. When we pull up, I gather my bags and climb out, thanking the driver.
I’m debating whether pizza is better than Chinese, but something stops me dead in my tracks.
Zander.
He leans against the wall, wearing a pair of blue jeans, a black leather jacket with his hands tucked into his pockets.
Good God, he looks gorgeous. I’m talking bad boy sexy, and the kind of guy your father tells you to stay away from. His dark hair is mussed, and on the ground sits a helmet.
His eyes follow the crowd until they land on me. Then they burst into flames. He pushes away from the wall and strides purposely toward me.
Oh shit.
My face tilts up and up and up the closer he gets to hold his gaze as my body begins to shiver. I’m not cold, it’s a mix of the attraction I feel for him and anticipation. Perhaps even nerves.
I feel my heart pounding.
Without a word, Zander reaches for my bags, takes them out of my hand, places his other one in the small of my back and guides me into the building.
“Let’s go. We need to talk.”
I swallow and walk beside him, hating how much I’ve missed him. His height and size make me want to press my face into his chest and hope he wraps his arms around me.
I’m emotional.
Tired.
Confused.
The elevator pings, and we step inside. Zander presses the button to my floor and then stares at the door.
“Zande—”
“Just wait,” he rasps.
I swallow again.
Ping.
We step out, and I take off my jacket as he drops my bags on the floor. When I turn, he steps toward me, cups my face, and kisses me.
Hard.
With purpose.
I cling to his arms, open to him, and let the kiss deepen.
Oh my.
My head swims, not understanding what we’re doing or what it means or what the hell is going on. But I don’t care. I need him. I need this kiss and everything it probably doesn’t mean. I need it like I need oxygen and hope, and some sort of sign that my life will have purpose.
The kiss is over quickly, and his dark blue eyes glare down at me. Not in anger, not toward me. But they are intense and pained.
“I’m sorry.” Zander doesn’t release my face.
“For?” I lick my lips.
“Sleeping with you. Breaking my vow. The things I said. All of it.”
I nod, moving away as his hands fall to his sides, disappointed that I let myself believe the kiss meant something. When will I learn?
He regrets it.
Zander regrets touching me at all.
“The most important thing here is that you know we—I—will represent you as your attorney and do the best I can,” Zander says, tucking his hands into his jeans. “Unless you truly do want me to get another member of my firm to do that.”
“No.” I shake my head. “No, it’s almost over. Let’s just finish it.”
He nods, staring at the floor.
“About those messages last night.” Zander starts, then lifts his face. “They were sponsored by tequila.”
“I figured.” I smile faintly, wishing he’d just leave now. Apology accepted. Another dent in my heart and soul. Thanks. “Which is why I didn’t reply.”
“I wish you had.”
What?
I hold my breath, and our eyes remain locked. Then I realize why. He wants to know if I’m pregnant.
“Look.” I walk into the penthouse further, wondering if I should tell him. My pride stops me. It’s not just that; Adam has been cruel, really cruel, and I’m still coming to grips with being infertile.
I wanted to be a mother.
I wanted to have a family and raise my children with love and respect. To break the cycle of addiction and experience what it feels like to live with joy and laughter in my home.
And this man is walking out of my life. He doesn’t want me. I won’t be pregnant, so all of this is a moot point.
“I know you’re worried, but—”
Zander holds up a packet. “Just do this. For me.”
It’s a pregnancy test.
I’m very familiar with them having done so many of them during my marriage. The sight of them creates an anxiety I didn’t know existed.
“Zander—”
“Come on Court, I deserve to know. Let’s put it behind us so we can move on.”
So that he can move on. I could end all of this right now. With one word, I could reassure him that he’ll never impregnate me.
But that kiss.
That damn kiss said more than I know he’s willing to say or likely even admit to himself. More than I’m sharing as well.
“Tell me, Zander. You’re not worried about me exposing our relationship or destroying your career. But the potential that I’m pregnant terrifies you.”
“It doesn’t terrify me.” He puts the box in my hand and nods toward the guest bathroom. “Both of us will be exposed if you report me. I doubt you want that.”
He’s right.
I’m just as much to blame.
“It could affect your settlement. There are several reasons you won’t,” Zander adds. “Most of all, I don’t think you’re a cruel person.”
I stare at the pregnancy kit, then back at him.
Resigning myself to the fact that I need to do this, and that it will be negative, I take a moment to study his handsome face.
From here on in, we will return to our original roles.
He will never kiss me. I can never touch him.
I’ll never stand this close to him or see that tiny flicker of hope that I may be carrying his child.
I see it.
I know what it looks like. Adam had it many times when my period was late a few days.
You’d look beautiful pregnant...
A part of him wants it, he just can’t say it out loud.
“When I come out and you learn you’re not going to be a father, then what happens?” I challenge Zander, giving him the opportunity to tell me if he does feel something.
I wait.
I almost wonder if he’s going to answer as he stares for a long moment.
“Do the test,” he growls finally.
I shake my head, and even though I know I’ll be walking out of here with one pink line, a part of me is angry with him.
“Fine, but don’t go proposing if it’s positive because I’m telling you right now, you can go to hell.”
“Do. The. Test. Courtney.”
Unbelievable.
The damn jerk. I might take half an hour to pee just to make him wait that little bit longer. Knowing my phone is in my back pocket, I lock the bathroom door, open Instagram and start looking at cute cat videos.
It takes ten minutes before Zander calls out.
“Courtney?”
“Sorry, Courtney is out of the office right now. Leave a message at the door and hopefully it hits you on the way out.”
“For the love of God,” he mutters, frustrated.