Chapter 17 #3
“I left the woman I love years ago. And just when I had her back...this shit fucking happens. I can never be with her. I can never love her, marry her, or give her the life I always wanted to give her. I’m fucking trapped.
And you’re part of the reason for that.” Fury clouds my vision.
“I’m losing myself, Adriana. Alexei’s stealing everything from me.
Nolan before that. And you?” I bark a laugh.
“You’ve done your fair share. I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want you. You’re a warm body to fuck when I just want to rip my goddamn veins out and bleed all over the floor. That’s it.”
A frown pulls at her lips like she’s about to cry. “I’m sorry.” Her voice is quiet.
I lean back, my attention returning to the movie. My heart is racing. Part of me hates myself for lashing out at her. I’m losing it.
She lets out a small breath, and then she settles back against the cushion. “Use me.”
I glare at her. “What?”
Her eyes are watery. “Use me then, Jude. If it helps you deal with life, then fucking do it. I always did it.”
I shake my head. “Ugh, christ—”
“You know why I was all over you for the past eight years?” She stands, her body trembling like she’s about to explode. “I was forced into this life, too. And you were the only good thing. The one person I actually liked.”
I watch her, the meth simmering in my blood.
“I had no right to abuse you. And for that, I’m so, so sorry, Jude.
Seriously. I got caught up in the fucking role Nolan had me play.
And I know nothing I say or do could make up for that.
But I was living in my own personal hell.
Nolan used me. Again and again. And now, I’m getting stared at in the same hungry way that he always looked at me.
” Tears start falling from her cheeks. “It was fucked up for me to hide from my traumas in you. I get that.”
My gaze doesn’t waver, but my chest suddenly feels tight.
She’s openly crying now. “I was fifteen when Nolan found me.”
My jaw clenches. I never knew exactly how they got into business together. I had always assumed she was just another venomous snake in the industry.
Adriana sniffs. “I was fifteen and wanted to be an actress. It was all I ever wanted, and I thought I was good at it. I had to act all the time, anyway. My mother was always high, and my dad let his friends come into my room.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, allowing her the space to keep going.
“I pretended to be happy when I wanted to die. So when Nolan scouted me in LA...I was so grateful. I was happy. I thought that maybe I’d finally escape.
But, no.” She pauses, a tear falling down her cheek.
“I went with him to a party where I was supposed to meet people for a possible voiceover role for some cartoon.” She hugs herself, her chest beginning to rise and fall like she’s about to hyperventilate.
“He g—he gave me drinks and the next thing I knew, I woke up in some bed with him. He told me he’d kill me if I didn’t stay with him.
And that he filmed me giving him a blowjob and him taking my…
” she swallows. “He was my first in that way.”
Nausea turns in my gut. Jesus fucking christ.
She hugs herself tighter. “H—he told me he’d release it on the dark web. That I would never be an actress once people saw me on t—there…doing what I did to him.”
I stand, towering over her, watching as she breaks.
“But he said if I just played this part, that he would give me money and I’d get the chance because he had connections. All I had to do was stay. And before I knew it, he owned me.” She sobs.
But I don’t reach for her. Not yet.
“So, yes, Jude,” she throws her arms up.
“Please, please just fucking use me. Because any time I took from you was when I didn’t want to die myself.
Even if I was fucked up for it. A lot of the times when I came into your hotel room just to sleep beside you was after Nolan was finished with me.
I felt safe with you and Micah. I know we all weren't really friends, but I just felt s—safe.”
That’s when I stop thinking altogether. I pull her into me, both arms wrapping around her. She gasps, then collapses against my chest, her hands clutching at my shirt as the first quiet sob shakes through her.
“It’s okay,” I murmur, even though I don’t know if it is. “I see you.”
She cries harder at that, face pressed into my shoulder, apologies tumbling out between breaths. I don’t try to stop them. I don’t ask questions. I don’t tell her I forgive her because I don’t. I just hold her, letting the movie play on behind us like background noise.
“Th—there’s something else,” she whimpers. “Please. I hate that I—”
“Stop,” I say quietly. “Enough for tonight. Let’s just lie down.”
“But—”
“Adriana,” I sigh, closing my eyes. “Please. I don’t want to talk anymore tonight.”
She nods, leaning into my arms again.
I don’t love her. I don’t even like her. But I see her. We’re two fucked up individuals. She used me for years to escape her mind. And here I was, trying to do the same to her. But unlike her, I wouldn’t have ever forced her.
I steer us back toward the couch, and she leans into me again. Eventually, her breathing evens out, exhaustion pulling her under. She goes slack in my arms, still clinging to me even in sleep. I adjust the blanket around her shoulders and rest my chin lightly against the top of her head.
The screen flickers. The couple on it kisses, and I look away. I close my eyes and try to extinguish the thoughts that are attempting to crawl back.
Go away.
Go away.
Go away.
But the image comes anyway. My body reacts before my brain can catch up. My muscles tense the way they do when Alexei inflicts pain, when he holds her photo in front of my face and makes my world shrink to the size of it. His conditioning is working, that’s for damn sure.
Even now, I feel more distant from them. Angrier. More pissed that they just won’t leave me the fuck alone. Adriana sighs and nestles closer, and I tighten my arm around her.
I close my eyes again. The movie keeps playing, but my mind doesn’t.
Thankfully.