Chapter 34
Chapter thirty-four
JUDE GRAVES
Morning comes like a punishment for someone who wishes to never wake the fuck up again. I haven’t really slept. I’ve drifted in and out of shallow, broken half-dreams where the hallway never ends, and the television laughter won’t stop.
Adriana is still curled on the couch beside me when I finally sit up. She stirs immediately. “Hey.”
I don’t answer. My body feels foreign. Every movement is mechanical, as if I’m operating a drone from a control room or something. I stand carefully, and the room doesn’t sway this time, but something inside me does.
I keep my eyes forward as I head towards the bathroom.
There’s a mirror in the hallway, and I avoid it because I can’t stand to see myself.
The bathroom light is annoyingly bright, so I flick it off and shower in near darkness.
I scrub in the scalding water until my skin burns.
I don’t think about why I’m scrubbing or the fact that I can still feel phantom pressure and hands that aren’t there anymore.
When I step out, I keep my gaze fixed on the sink, on the faucet, on anything but that goddamn mirror above it.
I dry off without lifting my head. And then I dress the same exact way.
If I don’t look at myself, then maybe I don’t have to reconcile the version of me that walked into that penthouse with the one who left it.
I enter the room wearing sweatpants and a hoodie and sit at the dining table.
Adriana is drinking orange juice, watching me carefully.
I don’t even want to look at her either, especially since crying in her arms in the middle of the night.
I can’t stand that. The fact that I cried in my original abuser’s arms? What kind of twisted shit is that?
Fuck me.
There’s a knock at the door, pulling me back from my racing thoughts.
Adriana glances at me. “I’ll get it.”
I shift slightly, hands flat on the wood, staring at the grain.
It’s scratched in one corner. I trace the line with my finger without realizing I’m doing it.
If Alexei wants a session today, I won’t go.
If he forces me, I’ll just fucking sit there.
Equal parts of me want to splatter his brains on the wall, and then hide in the darkness, far away, so he’ll never make me do that again.
The door opens, and Erik steps inside carrying a tray with eggs, toast, and coffee. My stomach turns.
“Thank you,” Adriana says quietly, keeping her distance. She’s hugging herself, standing just behind me.
Erik doesn’t respond. Instead, he sets the tray down on the counter mere inches from me. I can feel his eyes on me. I keep mine on the table.
“Orders are light today,” Erik says finally. “You’ve got the day.”
The day.
Like this is a courtesy. Like this is recovery after a long night of work.
I bite the inside of my cheek.
I refuse to look at him, because he was there when they brought me back.
He knows what Alexei allowed to happen to me.
Finally, after a few more loaded moments, he turns and leaves without another word.
The tray sits untouched in front of me. The last thing I want is to consume anything.
In fact, I’d like nothing more than to wither and die right now.
Adriana sits beside me, pulling the coffee closer. “You should drink something.”
I don’t move because the shame is tearing its way through my guts.
Shame that I didn’t anticipate something like this happening, considering Alexei is best friends with a trafficker who abuses people.
Shame that I didn’t refuse the drinks. Shame that my fucking body betrayed me. Shame that I remember.
I clench my jaw so hard it could almost snap. Underneath it, an icy serpent slithers through my blood.
Rage.
Adriana kneels in front of me, gently placing her hands on my knees. “Jude. Please.”
I look past her shoulder.
“Hey,” she says.
I nod once.
She searches my face, probably looking for something that looks human. I give her nothing. It’s easier that way. If I let myself feel it, I will drown in it. So I force it to fucking die.
Sometime in the afternoon, I don’t know when, she guides me to the couch. She sits beside me, her thigh pressing lightly against mine. “Talk to me. You’ve been...gone all day.”
I stare at the TV without watching what’s on it. She reaches for my hand. I let her take it, but I don’t curl my fingers back around hers. I feel myself receding inward, like someone stepping back into a long, dim hallway inside my own skull and locking the door.
Numbness settles slowly, mercifully. I know this place. I’ve lived here before. The part of me that writes music, that remembers warmth, that almost believed in something, retreats.
The part that survives remains.
Adriana’s voice becomes distant. “You don’t have to carry this alone.”
I almost laugh. Alone is the only way to carry it.
The afternoon drags into evening, and my trays remain mostly untouched.
My body grows weak, but I welcome it. When the sun finally bleeds out behind the curtains, the room dims again.
I sit in the same place I’ve been all day, staring at the wall, refusing mirrors, refusing food, refusing eye contact, refusing softness.
They took my body last night. They don’t get what’s left of my mind, too. So I shut it down before anyone else can reach it. And I sit there in the quiet, perfectly still, as something inside me begins to harden.
Before I know it, night has settled over the guesthouse.
Adriana dozed at some point, curled into the corner of the couch, but I remained upright, watching nothing.
She’s been keeping her distance from me today, thankfully.
I can’t deal with any more fucking hands on me.
A sudden, sharp knock startles her into a jolt.
I don’t even flinch.
Aiden steps inside, hands in his pockets like he’s dropping by for a casual conversation.
His eyes skim over me, and amusement flickers over his face.
“Got something for you,” he says. “Tomorrow night. Private client. Alexei says you’re back on schedule.
It’s a kill this time,” he winks. “Don’t worry. ”
Adriana is on her feet immediately. “He’s not going anywhere.”
Aiden smirks. “Not your call, baby.”
“He’s not ready.”
“I wasn’t aware you were his manager. Last I knew, Alexei put a bullet in his manager’s head.”
She snaps back at him, but I’ve tuned their voices out now.
I hear nothing, because he said tomorrow night, I’m back on the schedule. Like yesterday, I simply malfunctioned or something. I stand, the movement silencing them both.
Adriana looks at me. “Jude, tell him—”
I don’t bother. I brush past them and into the bedroom.
Behind me, Aiden snorts. “What's funny is, Hernik was told to go light on him for his first time. Next time, it'll be worse." He laughs. "That man must’ve broken him.”
Something inside my skull clicks into place.
Broken. Next time.
I calmly open the nightstand drawer and wrap my hand around my pistol.
In the living room, Adriana’s voice rises. “Shut the fuck up, you pathetic dog.”
Aiden laughs. “Oh, your time is coming, too, sweetheart. Trust me. And I'll get the first ride. Well, Erik's fighting me on that.”
I walk back out, but they don’t pay attention to me since they’re yelling at one another. Adriana’s back is to me. Aiden is facing her, one hand gesturing lazily.
I lift the gun. And without a dramatic swell of anger, shaking, or hesitation, I aim. Right over Adriana’s shoulder.
And I shoot.
Aiden’s head snaps back. The sound of his body hitting the floor is dull and heavy.
He collapses in the doorway, blood rapidly spilling beneath him.
Adriana gasps and scrambles backward, hitting the wall near the kitchen so hard that a photo falls.
Her hands fly to her mouth, and I lower the gun slowly.
My heart isn’t even pounding. It’s actually steady as I approach.
Aiden’s eyes stare up at nothing, the hole between them small.
A corner of my lip quirks up as I admire my precision.
Blood seeps across the tile, creeping toward my socks.
I stare at it. It’s darker than I expect.
Time seems to dissolve, since I don’t know how long I’m standing there. Adriana is saying something. I think. Her voice sounds far away. I don’t pay attention until I hear a sudden inflection in her tone.
I lift my head and see Erik standing in the doorway, his blue eyes locking onto Aiden’s body. Then the blood. Then they find mine, and they widen.
I raise the gun and point it at him. For a few suspended moments, there are no words. I’m a predator locked in, noting the subtle tension in his shoulders and the way his jaw tightens.
Adriana suddenly lunges, slamming her weight into my side. The shot fires, punching into the wall. When I turn back, Erik is gone.
I glare down at her. “Why would you do that?”
“Are you insane?” she cries. “They’re going to punish you for this!”
I shrug and walk to the table, placing the gun down with care.
Punish me.
What the fuck ever.
She follows me into the hallway, desperation clinging to every step. “Jude, please. Come back. You’re losing yourself.”
I reach the wall and bend down just enough to grab the mask from where it rests on a bookshelf. I lift it and stare at it. Without it, my face feels...exposed.
“Hey!” she yells. “Put that thing down and answer me, goddammit.”
I rub my thumb over the white surface and the dark specks of dried blood. “He understands me.”
Adriana pauses. “What? Who? That thing?” she asks, pointing at the mask.
I don’t answer. I just continue staring at it, feeling an overwhelming urge to put it on and go slaughter everyone in that fucking house. Erik, Alexei, and the rest of his men on shift tonight. And then, shove this barrel into my mouth and pull the trigger.
“Please, just look at me,” she begs. “Come on, Jude, stop. Don’t be stupid.”
My grip tightens on it. “You don’t get it, do you?
” I chuckle darkly, my shoulder scraping the wall as I stumble forward.
I corner her without meaning to, backing her against the hallway wall.
“The mask isn’t a disguise. It isn’t something I put on and take off. It’s not separate from me. It is me.”
She shakes her head, tears streaking down her cheeks. I’m scaring her.
“It’s a promise that I’ll never be soft again. And if anyone tries to make me feel anything…” I lean close, my breath brushing her ear. “I’ll fucking kill them for it.”
The words echo between us. I don’t even recognize my own voice. For a moment, we just breathe at each other. Then I step back, turning away from her to go to the bedroom. I just want to sleep.
But a startled gasp sounds from behind me. “Jude!”
I glance back to see what’s wrong, and a sharp sting pierces my neck. I flinch.
Adriana yelps, and the room sways instantly. My hand flies up to find a dart protruding from my skin.
“Fffuck,” I mutter, my legs giving up on me. The doorway swims into focus, and Erik is standing there with the gun lowered now, watching me. And beside him is Alexei, with an expression of disappointment in his eerily calm features.
I stagger, knees buckling. I can hear Adriana screaming my name. The ground rushes up fast, darkness tunneling my vision. The last thing I hear before my face hits the floor is Alexei’s voice.
“You’re going to pay for losing control.”
And then there is nothing.