Chapter Sixteen
Maddy
“I just don’t get what he sees in her anyway,” I grumbled to myself.
Leo usually met me after my shift, but this morning he’d messaged me saying he was still with Melissa.
I don’t know why it bothered me the way it did, probably some old schoolgirl jealousy creeping in.
I’d always felt inferior to her; the way she looked, how she captured him in ways I never could and didn’t even want to.
I snorted to myself, thinking, I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him. Ugh, so clichéd.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, any woman would be the luckiest woman in the world to end up with Leo. He had so much to give and was hands-down the most good-looking man in Reverence. He would make a great husband and an amazing dad one day too and I couldn’t wait to see that.
My heart twinged in my chest at the thought of kids.
It’s not that I didn’t want to be a mom, it’s that I had decided that wouldn’t be my path anymore.
After seeing the way Daddy broke when Mom died, then the hell I put him through when I had my accident, and how distraught he was when August had hers, it was too much.
I knew I couldn’t bear losing a loved one, partner or child; I’d never recover.
The thought of surviving that kind of loss and becoming a shell of myself, just like Daddy did, was too painful.
So I would stay unattached and child-free.
Hell, I’d be fine with that. Leo and my sisters would likely have enough children to keep us all going.
The Cartwright genes would keep thriving and I’d be one hell of an aunty.
That’s how my maternal instincts would get satisfied.
The maternal instinct that had been coming more to life recently from seeing the school children that came to the firehouse for visits, or mothers cooing over each other’s babies at the grocery store. I was fighting like hell to ignore it.
Huffing, I crossed the street to Dough Re Mi to get breakfast before heading home to Redemption Ranch.
I glanced up at the windows above the bakery, to Leo’s apartment.
The drapes were still drawn and for some reason that made me irrationally angry.
Were they still in bed? Jesus, give it a rest for cripes’ sake!
I shoved open the door to the bakery with a little more aggression than would be expected for just after eight in the morning.
“What’s got your panties wadded up so dang early, missy?
” Darla asked. I glanced at her behind the counter, her white hair pulled back into a low bun, her round cheeks dusted with flour and a couple of stray rainbow sprinkles.
Darla had been running this place since I was a kid and Daddy used to bring us here on weekends for some of her delicious pastries.
“Nothing. Just a long shift,” I grunted, eyeing up the range of croissants in the display cabinet.
Darla made a noise like she didn’t believe me before she asked her usual question.
“How’s your daddy doing?”
Straightening up, I fixed her with a hard look and raised one brow. “Same as usual.”
It was a known fact in Reverence that the older ladies were man hungry. We didn’t get many single men in this town, especially older ones. But now that Daddy had been alone so long, the women in town couldn’t help themselves.
“I should bring him some of my award-winning banana bread,” Darla said, almost to herself.
I didn’t blame them; my dad was a decent man who still worked as hard as he did thirty years ago with no sign of slowing down.
He’d raised five daughters, was in good shape with a majority of his hair left and all of his teeth.
As much as the thought made me shudder, Daddy was traditionally good-looking and all the Reverence women noticed.
Sometimes I got annoyed, resenting them on my mother’s behalf. I wanted him to be happy but no woman would ever replace my mom.
“I’m sure he’d like that,” I said with a tight smile.
A loud noise had my eyes lifting towards the ceiling, the hanging lights above swaying ever so slightly. I heard a high pitched, muffled giggle which set my teeth on edge.
Darla leaned over the counter with a conspiratorial twinkle in her eye.
“They’ve been at it for hours,” she hissed, lowering her voice despite it being just the two of us in the bakery. “Now there’s a man who clearly knows how to take care of a lady,” she added.
My stomach turned at the idea of Leo rolling around up there with Melissa. My irrational anger grew tenfold and I jabbed a finger at the almond croissants.
“Two of those and a latte, please.” Another muffled squeal rang out. “To go!”
Darla continued chatting away and I listened dutifully, grateful for the conversation and the shrieking coffee machine for drowning out any noises of ecstasy from upstairs.
Why did I keep thinking about it? Why was I bothered?
I’d had my share of men and didn’t plan on stopping any time soon, it was only right that Leo should go out and have fun too.
So why did images of Leo’s face twisted in pleasure flood my mind?
The only time anything non-friend related happened was over a decade ago.
And yet I could picture that night like it had happened yesterday. The way it felt to have his fingers curling inside me, like no one had done before. The heavy breathing that sped up as he grew more aroused. The groan that slipped out of his soft mouth.
“There ya go, that’ll be eleven-sixty,” Darla called, slapping the paper bag containing croissants on the counter and startling me out of my daydream.
Fuck.
I was flustered now, rummaging in my bag for my phone to pay. I fumbled my pin, my fingers shaking and had to try again. Eventually I managed to pay and left the bakery, cheeks hot and body pulsing in need from thinking about Leo.
What the fuck?
Maybe it was time to hit up Dustin again? He was always up for some fun. He was sexy as hell and moderate in bed. Enthusiastic, which made up for lack of talent, but still made him my number one call when I needed a release.
Inhaling croissant number one, I downed my coffee and then munched on croissant number two as I walked back to the ranch, texting Dustin.
I was almost home when he replied saying he was out of state on tour and I huffed in frustration.
Far more annoyed than was reasonable. Maybe I was getting my period.
That could be the only reason for all this sudden ridiculous anger I had. And why was Leo with her?
Ugh, I was sick of my own thoughts at this point.
The ranch came into view and I could see Daddy riding off in the distance on Chester.
It was fence mending day and he had asked me to help when I got home as Kat was away.
The late March weather was getting worse, the damp and rain destroying the fences.
I had said I would come straight home and help before the rain came in this afternoon but I just needed a break. I needed to work out some of this rage.
Dumping my things inside the front door, I changed into my peach cowgirl boots and pulled my hair into a messy bun before setting off for the stables.
“Morning August,” I called, heading straight for Sunshine’s box.
“Morning. You not going to bed?” August’s soft voice soothed some of the burning rage, but not enough.
“Not yet, Daddy asked me to help mend the fences first,” I replied, saddling Sunshine.
“Oh…” August’s voice held a hint of sadness and I turned to her. She was standing with her back to me, staring into Marshmallow’s stall, the horse staring right back at her. August had her arms wrapped around herself, squeezing tight.
“August?” I called, concern distracting me.
“Hmm?” She didn’t turn to face me.
Ever since her accident last year, she had been on light duties at the ranch, mainly caring for the horses and doing some training.
It wasn’t until that moment, when I saw the way she watched her beloved Marshmallow, that I realized I hadn’t seen her ride him in…
forever. Had she gotten back on him since the accident?
I’d seen a lot of awful things in my time as a firefighter, but that day when August had been injured at the arena was now up there with some of the worst. The sound of her bones breaking, her screams, and the way she looked so pale that for a moment, I genuinely thought she might die, had been the star of many nightmares.
Seeing my dad watching another loved one, another daughter, get injured had broken me even more.
The absolute fear on his face as he’d stared down at August, lying in the dirt shaking so damn much.
It took another piece of him. He’d lost so many pieces of himself over the years.
First with Mom’s passing; that was the biggest piece.
Then my injury and recovery. And now August’s.
He’d never gone back to the man he’d been.
“I’m sorry you have to go out,” August whispered. She turned toward me, her eyes dejected and her face pale enough that her freckles stood out in stark contrast.
“Don’t be sorry. Why are you sorry?”
August worried her lip. “Because instead of coming home and resting, you’ve got to go work the ranch. Because of me.”
I shook my head. “Not because of you at all. Why would you think that?”
She glanced back to Marshmallow before turning away and grabbing a broom, sweeping up some hay. “Because I’m useless now.”
“How on earth are you useless?”
She threw the broom down in frustration, an emotion I don’t think I’d ever seen from her. “Because I can’t do shit!”
I gasped. Because August never raised her voice and she definitely never cussed.
“Since the accident, I can’t do anything. I can’t ride out to mend fences because I’m still too fragile and he doesn’t want to ask me. So now you come home off a twenty-four-hour shift and you have to do it instead of resting up. And I’m just here, padding around the stables, completely useless!”
I gripped her arms, forcing her to face me, her copper waves swinging with her indignation.