42. Will
Chapter forty-two
Will
“Pack up your shit, dude. We’ve gotta get out of here.” I snap out of my mindless stare, and look up at Matt. He’s towering over me, one hand on his hip, forehead creased with concern.
“What?” I ask, trying to shake the feeling of cotton wool out of my brain.
“Get up. Grab your stuff. We’re leaving.”
“What? Why?”
Matt’s face has morphed from mild concern to mild annoyance. Damn, I’d be annoyed at trying to talk to him if he was this slow, too.
“Because you’re depressing everyone at this entire gym, including me. Let’s go, champ.”
This time, I hoist myself up from the bench, narrowly avoiding whacking my head on the bar I had just been attempting to lift. I shuffle after Matt to the changing room. He doesn’t bother showering or getting changed, but simply pulls on his hoodie and slings his bag over his shoulder. I do the same, vaguely wondering what his plan is, but not caring enough to ask. I don’t care about anything right now.
Marching away, Matt heads toward the riverfront. He pauses briefly, checking over his shoulder to make sure I’m following.
The wind is bitingly cold, and my well-ventilated sneakers let through every bit of the frigid wind. I don’t mind the chill. I don’t care about anything at the moment. One foot in front of the other, follow Matt. That’s all I can focus on right now.
Matt slows enough that I can walk beside him as we near the river edge.
“So, going to tell me what’s up, or are we going to play a super fun guessing game?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it.” I shove my hands in my pockets and bow my head against the wind. And against Matt being able to look me squarely in the eye. The water sloshes against the riverbank, in and out, in and out.
“Great. A guessing game it is. How fun.” The sarcasm is dripping from Matt’s voice. He claps me on the shoulder. “Would I be right in guessing this is the same thing that had Mia upset last night when Chloe visited her?”
My ears perk up. Chloe has seen Mia? “What? How do you know that?”
Matt rolls his eyes. “Because we have literally nothing better to talk about than your bullshit will-they, won’t-they. Chloe text Steph, Steph made a group chat.” He says it like it’s obvious.
“How was she?”
“ You’re the one I’d ask if I wanted to know how Mia was.” Matt steals a look sideways at me. “Why don’t you know how Mia is?” His voice is bordering on accusatory.
I shake my head. My fingers have found an old receipt in my pocket, and I’m scrunching then unfolding it with my hand still in my pocket.
“Chloe said Mia looked like she had been crying for hours, but she refused to talk about it at first. Chloe assumed it must have been something to do with you, otherwise you’d be the one who was with her.” My heart sinks. I didn’t even know it had further to go. God, I feel like shit. Who would do this to someone they love? She was right, though. When Mia is hurting, or is scared, or lonely, or needs a friend, I’m the first one she calls. And this time, I can’t be there to help her. I’m the fucking reason she’s hurting. I scratch at my beard, helpless. Hopeless.
“She told Chloe that she’d told you she wanted to try a relationship with her, and you turned her down. She’s gone to New Zealand now,” Matt says, softer, more gentle now. “She’s away for two weeks.”
“Yeah. I know, dude.” I shove my hand back in my pocket. Fuck it’s cold. I wish I had taken the time to change into long pants, at least. Then again, maybe I deserve to suffer. “But what can I do? It’s not like I can go chasing her across the world.”
“So there was something that happened between you two. We knew it.”
I roll my eyes “I mean, yeah. She suggested we try a proper relationship and I work for the resorts, helping her out.”
“And?” Matt stares at me as if he can’t possibly guess what had gone wrong.
“And I said I needed to think about the job thing.”
Matt nods as if things are slotting into place. “And she assumed when you said you needed to think about it, that you meant the entire relationship? Jesus Christ.” Matt shakes his head slowly, incredulous.
“Yeah. I know. But of course I want to be with her.” My voice is sharp. “I don’t know why that would be the first thing she thought of.”
He scoffs. “Sure you do.”
“I don’t. I really don’t.”
“Have you ever told her no before?” Matt looks at me, expectantly. Like he already knows the answer. “Refused something she really wanted?”
I scratch at my beard, trying to remember. “I don’t know. I’m sure I have.”
He shakes his head. “Bet you haven’t. This is Maggie all over again, dude.”
Realization dawns. “Fuck.” He’s right. Just like Maggie, I never really say no to Mia. I mean, why would I? I love her, I want her to be happy. So when I said no—or actually, when I said I needed to think about what she was asking, it’s no wonder she freaked out.
“Then why the hell are you here, Will?” Matt asks, stepping away from the curb as a cyclist cuts the corner.
“I don’t know that I want to work with her.” I dodge a particularly deep looking puddle. “I don’t want to be employed by her. I love helping her out with the resort stuff. But her paying me?” I sigh.
Matt nods. “Yeah, I get it. It’s messy.” Matt managed to open the floodgates, and now I don’t know how he's going to stop me talking about her.
“It’s messy, but also, it’s just a weird dynamic. She has enough money to literally purchase me, dude, and it’s …weird. I was trying not to get caught up in saying yes like I did with Maggie. I was trying to be honest with her.” We pause at a bridge, waiting for a break in traffic. It’s even colder now that we’ve stopped.
“That’s not a bad thing. But again—why are you here, not there with her?”
“She shut down. She didn’t even give me a chance to explain.” I can visualize it even now. Mia backing away from me, pressing her spine up against the other end of the couch to get as far away from me as possible. Then her, quickly jumping to her feet, making excuses. Me, trying to explain, desperate to say anything so she would understand. Me, leaving, hopeful the clarity of morning would help us both. Me, laying on the bed, staring unseeing at the ceiling all night, wondering if she was okay, if I should go and comfort her. How we can come back from this. Whether we can come back from this.
“You’re going to fly out to see her and explain, right?”
“She doesn’t want to see me. She made that pretty clear. She even changed her flight, so she didn’t have to sit next to me on the way home. And she got Abigail to tell me, she didn’t even tell me herself.” It almost broke me when I realized it. “I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“Back up a second. Her telling you what she wants, that was her big gesture. She gave you her heart on a plate.” She had. And I knew from how nervous she was when she told me that it had been a big deal for her. “And for whatever reason, now you two are here."
I nod. I’m here, walking along the river freezing my ass off in the dark, and she’s in the most beautiful country in the world, without me. Heartbroken, because of me.
“She doesn’t want to see me, though. I can’t just fly across the world and surprise her and hope a big grand gesture fixes everything.”
“Of course a big grand gesture won’t fix anything. You’re going to have to talk to her. Be clear about what you want. Write a script, if you have to.” Matt gestures toward me. “Either you make the effort, and get her to see you want her, or this is it, Will. What’s the worst-case scenario? You fly to her, and you’re in exactly the same position as you are now, but at least she knows you love her.” He scrubs his hands through his hair, frustrated. "Fuck, man. There are plenty of people who would do anything to have what you and Mia have, and you're fucking leaving it on the table."
Shit. Is he right? Is this the moment for me to put everything out there for her?
Chloe and Steph come to the airport to see both me and Matt off. Matt’s off on his trip to Australia, and I’m heading to the South Island of New Zealand, where hopefully, I’ll be declaring my feelings for Mia, and coming back with my heart squarely repaired. If she agrees to see me, that is. And that's a big ‘if’, by the sounds of what Chloe and Steph have heard.
I’ve been able to book the same flight as Matt for our first leg. He’s salty because I bought my ticket only twelve hours before the flight and managed to get it much cheaper than his had been, and he won’t stop complaining about it.
Chloe and Steph have decided my ‘grand gesture’, which is what we’re apparently collectively calling it now, is the most romantic thing they’ve ever seen in real life. They spend the entire ride to the airport passing on their tips to ensure I approach Mia in the perfect way, so she’s more likely to be receptive to hearing from me. My head is way too messed up to register even half of them, but they don’t stop even as we’re hugging goodbye.
“We’ll keep you posted on what her plans are,” Chloe says as she wraps her arms around my shoulders, squeezing tight. “Just don’t forget to plan what you’re going to say when you see her. Otherwise you’ll clam up and look like an idiot. Good luck.”
“Thanks, Clo.” I turn to Steph, stooping to hug her.
“I hope it all works out, Will. It will, I’m sure of it. I’m rooting for you guys.” Steph holds me at arm’s length, looking me dead in the eyes. “Just be honest with her, she’ll appreciate that. And give her some time, you know how she is with surprises.”
I nod, the urge to roll my eyes. Of course I know that. Maybe better than anyone. At least her advice is more helpful than Chloe’s. “Thanks, Steph.”
Matt and I turn away, giving them a wave, then head through the security line.
When we arrive in the US at the end of the first leg, Matt and I part ways. He heads to the other end of the terminal to wait out his six-hour layover. I rush to my next flight.
While the layover is pretty speedy, the long flight itself is excruciating. All the potential scenarios run through my head in slow motion. I’m not good at relaxing on flights even when everything is fine, but today I’m a complete mess.
I have no idea whether Mia will even agree to see me. I haven’t bothered booking a return flight—if things go badly, I want the opportunity to either do some travel in New Zealand, head to Australia to meet up with Matt, or head home. If things go well, maybe I’ll be staying with Mia until she’s ready to come home. I don’t know yet. What if I arrive and tell her how I feel, and she’s moved on? What if this is more to me than it is to her?
I don’t manage to sleep, but after what feels like forever the flight attendant announces that we’ll be landing shortly. It’s only hours now before I’ll be at the resort, telling Mia I love her.