Sage
Kestrel is confident, charming, and exudes sex like it’s part of her makeup. She’s got this innate femininity and sex appeal that Merle didn’t have. Her voice is husky and low, and she’s often saying things with a teasing note and a lilting chuckle that has me confused as fuck.
In short, she is everything that Merle isn’t, and I hate it. I don’t understand how to act towards her or how to deal with this situation, and the feeling that I’m out of control is sending me spiraling.
I find her attractive. I like her. She still smells like my omega, if in a different combination of concentrations. But she’s not Merle. She’s a stranger.
She’s a stranger in the body of the omega I have feelings for. I want to throw my head back and roar or go kill everything that moves. There is nothing to fight. I don’t know how to fix it and for the first time in years, I feel helpless, and that is not a feeling I like.
This whole situation has thrown the pack dynamic into a wall and shattered it. Roseland seems to be the most accepting, but then my guess is he’s known for months or years. This has enraged just about everyone. Even I feel his betrayal like a sharp knife.
Pix is fuming, especially since the only personality he wants to talk to is Raptor, to which Kestrel said that’s a bad idea, and considering how quickly she killed two people, I have a tendency to agree. For now.
Blaze is fascinated with the idea of a male personality and keeps going to ask questions that I shut down with black looks and fury that I send along the bonds. I don’t want to know the answers. I want Merle back.
It’s my fault. She saw me kill that guy. Kill him? I cut his damn head off in front of her. What was I thinking? Did I traumatise her? Did I hurt her? How can I fix this?
My skin crawls, and I look up and find Kestrel watching me with a tiny smile.
It widens as I glower until she bites her bottom lip and stands up, spinning in a circle, her hair fanning out around her.
The orange tips in her hair make sense now; the amber of Merle’s eyes looks like happy gold on this version of my omega.
She doesn’t slink and move with caution but dances her way across the world, leaping and skipping, shoulders back, head up.
I hurt Merle. I scared her.
Kestrel has to go.
I grind my teeth, determined to make it right somehow.
My brain keeps telling me that it’s Merle, but as soon as she speaks or just does something, I remember she’s not.
I hate this.
King grabs her wrist, and she spins into him, staring up into his face.
“You have beautiful eyes,” she says with a laugh.
King doesn’t like Kestrel. At all.
Of the entire group of us, we’re the two most unhappy with this turn of events.
He shoves her away from him, but she just lightly springs away and rushes to the creek we’ve been walking beside, jumping onto a rock and dancing across it like a damn forest sprite.
“Okay, so when were you out?” Blaze throws at her.
She turns back, facing Blaze with a smile. “Uh, a couple of times at night. I took over briefly to eat the popcorn when we watched the movie and, hmm, oh, when Pix gave me the knife, though Raptor took it from me.”
“So, you’ve been with us the whole time?” he asks without inflection, while I try not to gape at the betrayal.
“Of course. I’m Merle Kestrel. I’m just the Kestrel part.”
“That makes no sense whatsoever!” I snarl.
“When is Merle coming back?” King snaps at the same time.
She raises her eyebrows, and her eyes flash and darken. I can see it now. That’s not Kestrel.
“Interesting,” Blaze murmurs and shifts closer. “Temperament changes summon a different personality.”
“I’m not a damn science experiment, Alpha.
We are called alters. As in a distinct and separate personality, and we are all very real.
Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong or weird; it just means you need to open a book.
Maybe consider learning something. You know, using your brain instead of your biceps. ”
Whoever she is says alpha like a curse. Like we can’t be trusted. Like she hates us. It makes me angry, until I remember how I feel about Kestrel and Merle. This one makes my skin crawl and my breath catch in my lungs.
“Who are you?” Blaze demands.
The alter smirks and fades. With a quick smile and a shake of her head, Kestrel returns.
“Who was that?”
Kestrel pauses, looks like she’s thinking, and then smiles widely.
“I have a message for you.”
She sticks up her middle finger and then, with a laugh, flings herself to the other bank and jogs away.
“What are we going to do about that?” King snarls.
“They’re the same person,” Roseland says dismissively.
“She,” King snarls, “is not my Merle.”
Roseland explodes with a snarl that surprises all of us.
“She is part of Merle, and we’re not going to get answers if she hates us.
So, I suggest everyone pull their poor, hurt egos out of their asses and ask why an omega would split into six parts,” Roseland snarls.
“All of those parts of her are hurting as bad as Merle. Some of them just deal with it by smiling and caring for others, and some are clearly capable of incredible violence. Who knows who the others are and what help they need, but I, for one, want to be the safe space they need.”
With that, he stalks off, and I have one moment to stare at his back, wondering why he came back. What convinced him?
I blow out my cheeks and follow my alphas and the omega who is and isn’t mine.
Pix is already standing beside her, arguing. “I want to know.”
Kestrel ducks her head and laughs.
The sound is like wind chimes or something that feels good, sounds good.
I huff in irritation.
“Is it hurting your ego that she doesn’t need you?” Blaze asks me. “That this version isn’t as vulnerable or damaged?”
“It’s hurting my ego that I had no idea, and we still don’t know who she is; she’s a stranger. Who’s to say she’s not going to rat us out to the authorities. She knows we’re killers. Did you think about that?” I point out angrily. I hate that Blaze isn’t upset by this.
Blaze’s eyes crinkle at the sides. “You are so adorable when you’re stressing, baby.”
“We need to get out of this damn forest.”
“Well, lucky for all of us, one day’s walk that way will bring us to a house I own and-”
I slam my mouth on his, showing again how much I love him. The kiss is quick, but I feel grounded again when I move away.
Too bad it doesn’t last long.
Kestrel and Pix are having an at-volume argument that scares the crap out of me considering how many people have been hunting for her.
“What are you two doing?” I snarl.
She looks at me and looks away, dismissing me. My temper stokes and gets cold.
“Kest,” I singsong, mocking her nickname and deliberately trying to prick at her temper.
She ignores me, grabbing Pix’s arm. He shoves her off, and she teeters before something dark flashes. Her hand smacks out, and her fist punches into Pix’s face. The crack is startling.
Then she’s lunging at him, anxiously grabbing his arm.
“Oh, oh, oh. Nope, bad Raptor! Oh, you’re bleeding. Pix, I’m sorry!”
Pix snarls and leaps on her, flattening her onto her back. She ignores him completely and gently wipes the blood away. He looks completely and utterly feral, but her gaze is soft, concerned as she dabs at the blood at the corner of his lip.
“Kestrel, you might want to stop touching him right now.”
She clucks her tongue, clearly irritated with Roseland.
“He’s hurt. It’s fine, he won’t hurt me.”
“He might,” Aaron says in a grumble. “I don’t think he’s happy with you right now.”
“No, he won’t. He likes Merle, and he’s fascinated with Raptor. I just confuse him. Kindness is strange, and he only likes it from people he considers his family.”
Pix’s hand slides up and encircles her throat. Her pupils blow wide, but I don’t think he even notices.
“Do not sit there and psychoanalyze me from snatches of memories you’ve stolen from Merle.”
Kestrel starts to laugh. “Our memories, and you make it so easy, baby boo.”
He growls, she just laughs harder.
“You don’t know shit about me,” Pix snarls.
Her smile fades. “You came from a home that was fucked up, somewhere abuse was how people communicated. Your eyes still hold that fear and distrust when you meet people. You have this whole new family, and you must have known them for a long time. They probably rescued you, but they touch you, and you smile, they talk, and you listen. You can be yourself with them in a way you haven’t even shown your alphas yet because if your alphas get to know you, they might see the real you and hate you like your family did and throw you away.
And the girl, she came along and stole what was supposed to be yours, fulfilling each and every self-fulfilling prophecy you ever thought about yourself.
” Kestrel, or whoever it is in there, grins, it’s dark and cruel. “Am I close, little boy?”
She moans and puts a hand to her head. “Ow! Stop doing that! I have it handled.”
Pix is tighter than a bow, his expression as close to panic as I’ve ever seen it. He screams in her face. “You don’t know me.”
Kestrel isn’t even remotely cowed. I silently urge her to stop, but she ignores me, just as she ignores his scream and leans closer.
“Except she really loves you. You’re special, the only one who can really understand her.
The only person in the world who could understand you.
But hold her at arm’s length, Pix. Push her away.
Shove her into the world alone and in the dark.
It’s okay, you have your family already, you don’t need us.
Why take a chance to have something amazing when you can be safe, on the outside looking in.
There’s no risk there, no chance of getting hurt. ”
“You don’t know anything,” he spits.
Kestrel just laughs, but it’s soft and harder. “Maybe. Maybe we’re wrong, and we know nothing. Maybe you had a great childhood, maybe you embrace these alphas, maybe you are brave enough to love Merle.”
“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” he growls, his body is shaking, and I get a serious concern that he might hurt her.
Pix lets out a snarl and rushes into the forest, slamming his fist into a tree on the way.
Roseland goes after him, while Kestrel gets to her feet.
Her smile isn’t as confident as it was. It’s a bit broken, a little bit like glass.
When she looks at me, I see cool cunning in her expression and a challenge, as if she’s daring me to say something.
No one says anything, but I think we’re all just seeing a new facet of this personality that none of us anticipated.
She’s got teeth, too.
She called herself the protector, the caretaker. We overlooked it. That was a foolish error on our part. Wariness swims in me, whispering caution.
Kestrel forces a smile and dusts herself off. “So, where are we heading? I noticed you changed our direction early this morning?”
“Who?”
“Oh, that was a little bit Raven at the start, but the rest was me. Just because I’m nice…well.” She shakes her head, but there’s a smile on her lips, danger in her eyes. She’s not being welcoming anymore; she’s cautious and wary of us.
Another sign that she’s smarter than we’ve given her credit for.
Blaze chuckles. “I have a property, I figured a bed would be a nice change of pace.”
She shrugs. “It would be novel. So, another bunker in the middle of nowhere or an actual house?”
“An actual house,” Blaze says. “Tell me, are you that observant, or is that all information from the others?”
“Oh, no, that’s all me.”
“Hmm, interesting. So, can you tell me why Merle stayed so long?”
I whip my head around, staring at her face, longing to hear the answer, needing it.
“Merle?”
“Yes, she was around for long enough that no one had a clue you are a they and them. So, how did she stay so long?”
Kestrel smiles mockingly. “Blaze, you haven’t worked it out yet?”
His cheeks turn a little ruddy, and he swallows hard. He hates not knowing things. It drives him crazy, and being caught out is like salt in the wound.
“No,” he admits after a long moment. “I don’t have any idea. I find it strange when you and the others appear to be so much more suited for some of the situations.”
Kestrel shrugs, but her eyes get guarded. “The answer is simple, Blaze. Merle stayed so long because she was happy.”
I wheeze.
It’s like I’ve been struck. A gut wound that hurts and heals.
She stayed because she was happy. Even when she was scared. Even when she was fighting her demons, she stayed because we made her happy.
I want her back.