III #2
That was what he now felt for Nika, and he knew that even when Nika settled down with someone, he'd be happy about it.
All he wanted was her happiness. And so for a while he watched the girl who still, unaware of his presence, calmly worked around the microscope.
But though she was unaware of his gaze, others weren't.
After a few minutes one of the girls in the laboratory approached her and whispered something in her ear.
Nika then turned, noticed Tomi, and her incredible welcoming smile spread across her face.
She dismissed the girl with a gesture and approached Tomi, whose palms had again begun to sweat.
He looked around in discomfort, but it was too late to retreat.
Nika was already by him and addressed him without taking the smile off her face.
"Hey Tomi, what's up?" The smile didn't leave her face, and a spark of pleasure could be seen in her eyes.
"Everything." Tomi got flustered and blurted out completely disconnectedly. "Phones. Assembled."
"You managed to get the phones working?" Nika asked, confused.
"Huh? Oh no." Tomi blushed. "Lights, I meant the lights."
"Uh-huh. How's it going?" she was curious.
"Slowly, everyone's working full steam, the quota will be met." Tomi looked around the room in discomfort, avoiding her gaze for some reason, and abruptly rose from the chair.
"Okay, the others are working and you're here, do you need something?" Nika tried in vain to catch his eye.
Tomi still, in discomfort, let his gaze wander and felt enormous fear and unease.
Nika noticed it, saw that his face had flushed and that he was a little out of breath.
He flailed his arms, wrung his fingers, which cracked, and nervously bounced in place.
She'd worked enough with people in similar situations and knew how to react during a panic attack.
She cupped his face in her hands, at which he flinched, but at the same time, for some reason, allowed her touch.
Holding him thus and calming his restless jolts, she came completely close, fixing him deeply with her gaze, and gently said:
"Calm down. Everything's all right."
At first his eyes wandered around in restless circles, but then he focused on her eyes, and her gentle tone of voice calmed him.
He felt the panic attack easing. Felt his chest, suddenly freed from the pressure, relaxing.
He breathed more easily and without restraint, maybe for the first time in the past few hours.
He still looked into her eyes while feeling the warmth of her palms on his cheeks.
She was so close to him and so gentle with him.
He loved her voice and wanted to stay in her hands for all eternity.
His whole body then relaxed and he almost fell, so in panic he grabbed the back of the chair with weakened hands.
Nika let go of his face, but still spoke calmly and tried to keep his gaze on her.
"See? Everything's all right. Just relax and focus on breathing deeply."
Tomi, guided by her voice, relaxed more and more and settled onto the chair, where he tried to collect his thoughts.
He knew the panic attack was passing, and this was the first time it had passed almost painlessly.
Apart from the aches in his muscles recovering from the cramping, he had almost none of his standard aftereffects.
His thoughts weren't cloudy, he hadn't split off from himself.
He was still completely aware of himself, his surroundings, and Nika, who now crouched in front of him and gently massaged his knees.
He wanted that gaze and touch of hers to last.
He wanted it with his whole being and enjoyed every touch of hers that sent heaps of shivers down his spine.
In her gaze, worry mixed with a feeling of pride, because she'd realized his panic attack was passing and that she'd managed to calm him.
If only she could decipher that gaze of his.
It seemed to her she saw feelings in it, but what kind, she wasn't sure.
Probably gratitude for the help she'd given him.
But there was something else too, something deeply hidden, something that eluded her and whose meaning she couldn't grasp.
Tomi was an enigma to Nika. An enigma she so wanted to solve.
She studied his elongated face, the glasses that had fogged up from his rapid breathing.
The gaze of his brown eyes that had wandered so restlessly a moment ago.
Now he breathed calmly, settling down. And it seemed he was relaxing.
His thin arms hung needlessly at his sides, and the cramps in his legs, which she still felt through touch, were easing.
It wasn't her first panic attack, but it was the first where she also felt sincere concern for the person going through it.
Tomi awoke in her some feelings she couldn't interpret herself.
On one side she wanted to embrace him like a mother and care for him, watch over and pamper him like a small child.
And on the other side she so wanted to kiss him, take off his glasses and kiss those tormented eyes of his.
Those eyes that seemed so big behind the thick glasses.
Eyes that, like a deer's, seemed cautious and frightened and that fascinated her so.
She just wanted to cup his face in her hands and sink into his frightened gaze.
She felt herself getting aroused now and abruptly straightened in discomfort.
She stepped back two paces and asked, a little nervously:
"Better now, has it passed?"
At first he didn't answer. He looked at her somehow, strangely, accusingly. He still wasn't clear to her, but you could see he was relaxing, which clearly said she'd managed to bring him out of the attack.
Tomi noticed how she'd moved away from him in discomfort.
His appearance probably repelled her, and the shame of the attack that had happened in front of her.
He felt terribly awkward about it, because he didn't want to burden her with his problems.
While she touched him, while she was so close to him, even despite the attack, he enjoyed every second.
Every moment of her touch. The gorgeous black curls that fell carelessly onto her face.
Those small hands that massaged and spread warmth down his tormented legs.
He wanted that touch to last forever, and if he'd died at that moment, he'd have died happy.
But then she'd moved away and felt awkward.
He wondered what he'd done or what about his body had repelled her.
Maybe the glasses? Or the bones jutting from his skinny body?
His bony knees? There were so many flaws in him that she could take her pick.
And he felt awkward about it, felt awkward that she'd touched his imperfect body, because for her only perfection existed.
It had to, because otherwise he couldn't imagine her happy.
So he turned his gaze away with regret, stared somewhere behind her back, and answered neutrally:
"Yes, thank you. I'm sorry."
"What am I to forgive you for?" Nika was shocked. "You're not responsible for a panic attack."
"Yes, but I should have gone to the clinic. And looked for some medicine."
"Yes. Didn't the attack pass?" Nika now asked with irritation.
"It did." Tomi maintained his neutrality.
"And medicine is better than human touch?"
Tomi had no answer; he knew that until now everything had always passed with a few dozen relaxation pills. He'd never before experienced this kind of treatment. Nika realized her arguments had overpowered his possible objection and commented proudly:
"My nonna always said that human touch is the best medicine after laughter. And my nonna was never wrong. She lived to a hundred."
Tomi, now recovered, straightened and suddenly asked:
"Did you hear we opened the doors in the machine room?"
Nika was thrown. "No, we've had too much work with the cucumber seeds. And?"
"And what?" Tomi wasn't following.
"Well, what's behind the doors? Some monsters from the abyss? Dinosaurs?"
"Oh no, just a heap of metal bars, beams, and a cement factory."
"Cement?" she grew interested.
"Yes, the cement all of this was built with. They made it down there."
"Uh-huh, and that's all?" she asked.
"No, there's a barrier and a truck too."