twelve
I T’S SEVERAL DAYS LATER before we’re coming home to Edmund’s mansion.
It’s not just making it back to California. There’s also a huge amount of hassle after we dock. Our families are all waiting—which is the best part of our homecoming—and the press has been notified, so we’re surrounded by a flurry of attention.
We have to talk to the Coast Guard and a couple of the legislators that Caleb went through to get help for the search. We have to endure full medical examinations from a doctor. I pass through each day in a weird daze, and nothing looks or tastes or smells or feels the way it’s supposed to.
It’s like I’m still walking through a dream.
It’s evening more than a week after being rescued when Edmund and I finally make it back to his place.
My pretty suite in the back of the house looks exactly like it did before. But it feels like something out of memory rather than real life.
Edmund has been quiet for the past few days. Really quiet. Maybe he’s in as much of a daze as I am, but he hasn’t been himself. He hasn’t laughed much. Or teased me. We haven’t had sex.
Maybe it’s because he’s every bit as exhausted as I am, but I’m afraid it might be more than that.
Things are different now. Everything has changed. And we’ve never been a couple here at home. Of course we won’t have sex anymore, and he won’t treat me in that sweet, intimate way he did on the island. Technically I don’t even work for him now. Our agreement was that I was quitting as soon as we got back from the cruise.
That means these rooms shouldn’t be mine anymore. Not this bed. Nothing.
As happy as I was to see my family again, there’s something inside me that’s already weeping. Already mourning what I’m about to lose.
Maybe I’ve already lost it.
Maybe I never had it for real.
If Edmund wanted to continue a relationship with me now, he would have said so. At the very least, he would have come to me at night so we could have sex. He doesn’t even kiss me anymore. The significance is clear.
Edmund has always let life happen to him. He’s always gone with the flow. He’s never fought the current. Of course he would fall into a relationship with me on the island but then let us drift apart when we got home.
Because he cares for me. I know he does. And he likes having sex with me.
But those two things don’t equal love.
He only fell into a sexual relationship with me because there was no one else around. He didn’t want me that way before we got shipwrecked, and he isn’t going to want me that way now that we’re home.
It’s fine. Of course it’s fine. It’s what I’ve always predicted would happen. I might love him and want to build a life with him here the way we did back on the island, but that’s not the way life is drifting.
That’s not the way life happens.
Edmund still has a soft heart and probably doesn’t want to crush me by telling me the truth.
I’ve always been the one to make things happen, so I should take the initiative to have the impending conversation. But the problem is I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear the final answer and have it break my heart.
So I don’t say anything, and neither does Edmund as we grab a quick bite to eat in the kitchen with Alicia and Greg, and then I say I’m going to turn in early.
It’s only eight thirty when I head back to my room.
Tomorrow I’ll have to do it. I’ll have to tell Edmund it’s time for me to go home since I don’t work for him anymore. I can stay with my parents until I figure out what I’m doing, and then I can start up my life again.
But I can’t do it right now. Not tonight. It feels like I’m falling apart.
It can wait until tomorrow.
I take a long, hot shower, washing and conditioning my hair and then shaving for the first time in two months. When I get out, I take the time to blow-dry my hair so it won’t get too frizzy or kinky.
I brush my teeth and moisturize my skin and put on a pink nightgown and don’t bother with panties. I’ve been sleeping without them for weeks now.
Then there’s nothing else to do, so I get into bed.
I’ve been lying there, trying to still my restless mind for about twenty minutes, when there’s a knock on the door. Startled, I sit up and say, “Come in.”
The door opens, letting light in from the hall. Edmund’s body is silhouetted in the doorway for a moment.
“Can I come in?” he asks softly.
“Of course.” My heart has started to race.
He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Then he strides toward the bed and climbs under the covers beside me.
He smells like soap and toothpaste and clean laundry. He’s big and warm and firm as he rolls over on top of me the way he so often used to. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I try to add something else—anything else—but words are stopped in my throat.
“Is it all right I’m here?”
“Yes. It is.”
“It feels like things are all confused. Like I don’t know what end is up anymore.”
I reach up to comb my fingers through his soft, wavy hair. It’s still too long. “I feel the same way.” When my hand moves to his face, I gasp. “You shaved!”
“Yeah. I was tired of looking like Bigfoot.”
“You didn’t look like Bigfoot. I liked your messy beard.”
He chuckles. “Did you?”
“Yes. I got used to it.”
“Yeah.” His tone changes until it’s almost resigned. “I guess we both got used to things. And now everything is different.”
I gulp. “Yeah. I know it is.”
“Do you...?” He makes a weird guttural sound. “Do you still want to quit?”
My heart drops since this isn’t the question I wanted him to ask. “Yes. I think I need to. I think that’s... that’s best for both of us. That hasn’t changed.”
“Okay.”
“So I thought... I thought I should probably leave tomorrow and move back in with my parents. Then I can work on going back to grad school or get a job or... or something. I need to start my life again.”
“I know you do.” There’s a subdued texture to his voice that I can’t really recognize. I can’t see his expression in the dark, and I wish I could. “I realize I was... I was trapping you here with me because I needed you so much, and I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“You weren’t trapping me. It was my fault.”
“It was my fault too. I relied on you too much. So I want you to do exactly what you want. I want you to have everything you’ve dreamed of.”
I’ve dreamed of a life with him, but that’s clearly not what’s being offered here. He’s trying to be good. Unselfish. Which means willingly giving me up as his assistant and wishing the best for me.
Nothing more.
I have to fight to keep my voice from wobbling. “What will you do?”
“I... I have no idea. But I’ll figure it out. I’ll be okay. I think... I think I can do better than I did before.”
“I know you’ll be okay. You’ll be better than okay. We... we both can be.” My voice does break on the last words, but there’s no way I can help it.
He doesn’t question the emotion. Instead, he leans down so he can kiss me softly. “Can I have one more night with you, Autumn?”
I wrap both arms around him. “Yes please. That’s what I want.”
We don’t speak anymore. He kisses me again, and this one lasts for a long time. His lips move urgently against mine, his tongue deep in my mouth. Soon he starts growing hard against my middle and gently pumps his hips against me.
My hands are moving down his back, to his butt, and then up to tangle in his hair. As I grow more and more aroused, I start to rock up into his weight.
It’s sensual and emotional and achingly bittersweet as he finally pushes my gown up and pulls out his erection so he can fit himself inside me.
I fold up my legs on either side of his hips to shift the angle and bring him deeper. He’s big and full and snug inside me—so perfect and so familiar. I hold on to his firm butt cheeks, feeling the tight muscles flexing as he begins to thrust.
He goes slowly at first, and we kiss the whole time. I hold on tight with my arms, legs, and inner muscles because it feels like he’s about to slip away from me.
Eventually he can no longer hold the steady rhythm. His hips accelerate. His back and shoulders tense up. He breaks the kiss and pants against my skin.
I’m panting too. As pleasure and need rise inside me, I drag my fingernails down his back. I grind against his hard thrusts to intensify the sensations.
We were both loud and uninhibited when we had sex on the island, but we’re almost silent tonight other than the accelerating texture of our breathing and the bouncing of the mattress. When my climax breaks and my channel spasms around him, I let out a soft, broken moan.
In less than a minute, he jerks himself out of me and squeezes his erection between our bodies as he comes too in tight shudders and raspy sounds.
We lie together afterward, holding each other urgently. His face is buried against my neck, and his heart is beating so fast and hard that I can feel it.
He doesn’t say anything else, and neither do I. We both know what just happened is goodbye.
It’s goodbye.
Eventually his body grows heavy. I’m wet and sloppy between my legs from my own arousal and on my belly from his release. My chest is aching, and there’s so much going on in my head it feels like it might explode.
But I just don’t want to let him go.
Finally he manages to lift his head. I still can’t see his expression in the dark room, and it’s just as well.
He murmurs hoarsely, “I want the absolute best for you, Autumn. So if there’s anything I can do to make you happier, to help you get what you want out of life, please let me know. Because I want to do that for you.”
He means it. And it’s so sweet and so genuine and so absolutely final that it slices through my chest like a knife. I’m not sure how I hold myself together, but I hear myself saying, “Thank you. I will.”
Then the need to escape so I can finally fall apart is too overwhelming to resist. I give his shoulder a little nudge. “I need to go to the bathroom.”
He stares down at me for a couple more seconds before he finally rolls off.
Then I’m free. Free and unbound and completely alone. I scramble off the bed and hurry to the bathroom. I’m able to close the door gently with a soft click before I burst into silent tears, leaning against the door since my legs are no longer stable.
I shake through wave after wave of grief and loss and heartbreak.
It was bad enough to try to leave him before we got shipwrecked, but now it’s like tearing myself in two and leaving half of me behind.
I have no idea how long I lean against the bathroom door, crying in silence, but I’m not even close to finished when a loud knock startles me so much I squeal and jump.
It’s Edmund. Pounding on the door. “Autumn! Autumn, baby, let me in!”
“Wh-what?”
“Are you crying in there? Let me in!” He’s loud and demanding but also upset. I can hear he’s upset.
“I’m in here!” Yes, that’s unfortunately the only reply that comes to me in this moment.
“I know you’re in there! Why do you think I want in? Why are you crying? I thought this was what you wanted! Why the hell am I cutting out my own heart to give you what you want if you’re in there crying about it?”
“I’m o-okay,” I choke out again.
“Well, I’m not okay! I’m not okay with any of this. I’m trying to be a good guy and do the right thing, but there’s nothing about this that feels right!” He’s pounding on the door again. I can feel it shaking from the impact. “Do you hear me, Autumn? It’s not right! And I get that you don’t feel the way I do, and I understand if you can’t fully trust me to be the kind of man you need. But we were good together on the island. You can’t tell me that we weren’t good together. And I think we can be good together here too if you’ll just give us a chance.”
I straighten up and turn around, staring open-mouthed at the closed door. “Wh-what?”
“And I’m sorry I’m not as noble and selfless as you might want me to be, but I just can’t let you go without a fight!”
“Wh-what?” is all I manage to say yet again.
“Damn it, Autumn, let me in! I know I never gave you reason to believe this before, but I’m sure I can make you happy. I’ll spend the rest of my life working on it. Taking care of you. There’s nothing I want to do more. And I get it if you need to leave for a while to think about it, but please don’t close the door on us completely. It’s not just that you’re the best thing for me, although you definitely are. I’m sure—I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life—that I’m the best thing for you too.”
I’m trembling desperately as I swing the bathroom door open.
Edmund is standing there, tense and urgent. His features are twisted with emotion, and his eyes are almost wild. He looks oddly unfamiliar with the beard shaved off, and the top part of his face is tanner than the bottom.
It doesn’t matter. He’s Edmund Worthing. The man I’ve always wanted him to be.
“Wh-what are you... What are you saying?” I manage to force out through the strangling tension in my throat.
He frowns like he’s annoyed with me. “I’m saying I love you! What the hell do you think I’m trying to say?”
I burst into tears again, hugging myself as the emotion wracks me. But even in the midst of the sobs, I’m able to get out, “I love you too.”
“You do?” His face transforms, all the angst shifting into awe and rising joy.
I nod and wipe at my face with the back of my hands. “I love you too!”
He grabs me. Hugs me. Then pulls back and takes my damp face in his hands so he can kiss me. “For real?”
“Yes, for real. I think I’ve loved you for years, but there was always something holding me back. I let go of whatever it was on the island, and now I love you completely.”
He’s almost laughing as he wraps his arms around me again and squeezes me so tight I can barely breathe. “Same here. Same with me. It didn’t happen like magic. It took a long time. But I liked you. Then I trusted you. Then I cared about you more than anyone else and couldn’t imagine living without you. But even then I didn’t realize... I didn’t realize everything we could be. Then one day—it was that night I was high—I suddenly realized how beautiful you are—how much I desperately need to touch you—and then I couldn’t think of anything else. I was trying to figure out what to do about it and not sure I could do anything when you decided to quit. Then I figured it was over before I ever got what I wanted because you wanted to get away and I cared more about you than I’d ever cared about myself. It wasn’t until we were on the island and I thought we wouldn’t get off that I could let myself go, but the feelings weren’t new. I was just finally letting myself act on them.”
He’s blurted all this out without even a pause for breath. He blinks like he’s surprised himself and then continues more slowly. “I didn’t even know I was capable of love, but it’s something I’ve always wanted. I really was trying to be a good guy and do what you needed, but now that I’ve finally found everything I’ve dreamed of, I wasn’t okay with letting it go.”
“I didn’t want to go. I just didn’t know you loved me.”
“I’m not sure how such a smart woman was so clueless, but I guess it’s good you finally worked it out.”
I gasp in outrage and pull away from him. “I wasn’t clueless! You never told me!”
“Well, that’s because I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way. And do I really have to mention that you didn’t tell me either?”
I try to hold on to my indignation but fail. I giggle and grab for him again. “I was scared too. I couldn’t imagine you might love me for real. In the real world.”
“Well, I do.”
“That’s good. So at least we figured it out now.”
“Yeah.” He brushes sweet kisses against my hair. “We’ve figured it out now.”
***
F OUR MONTHS LATER, I look at myself in the mirror to make sure my jeans and floral top are put on correctly and at least somewhat flattering and that my hair isn’t a mess.
This afternoon I’ve got my first class session in the graduate program I’m starting. It feels so strange to be getting ready for school after all these years.
Deciding I look decent (and prettier than I used to believe I actually was), I grab my bag and head downstairs to find Edmund.
As soon as we admitted our love, I moved upstairs to share the master suite with him. Maybe it was too soon to move in together like that, but it didn’t seem very fast to us. We’ve known each other for years. We’ve lived together in one way or another for years. And it’s impossible to share each other’s lives more deeply than we did on the island.
So, if anything, moving upstairs with Edmund was almost anticlimactic. Like an inevitability rather than an enormous step.
Ever since, we’ve fallen into a life and a routine that’s made me happier than I could have ever dreamed of. Edmund might have avoided romantic commitment all his life, but once he was in, he’s been in all the way.
I’m not sure any woman could have a more passionate, devoted, earnestly-in-love boyfriend than I have.
And now I’m finally able to do what I’ve wanted for so long and finish my MBA.
Some of my old credits didn’t transfer to this new degree, but some of them did. If I buckle down, I can probably finish in no more than a year and a half.
I’m excited.
There are so many things for me to be excited about now.
I chat for a minute with Alicia, who is polishing the floor of the entry hall. When she says that Edmund is in the office, I head down the hall to find him.
He’s been spending a lot more time in the office recently. Right now I don’t find him behind the desk, however. He’s sprawled out on the sofa.
“Are you taking a nap?” I ask with laughter in my voice as I step into the room.
“No. I’m trying to recover.”
“Have you had a bad day?” I set my bag on the floor and walk over to sit on one end of the couch, lifting his head to make room for myself and then settling his head on my lap. “Did the meeting not go well?”
He doesn’t resist the move. He moans softly as I stroke his hair. “The meeting was okay. But it’s been exhausting. In addition to that meeting this morning, I’ve had four talks with other people—two on the phone and two on Zoom. And they’ve all been frustrating and annoying and nothing ever seems to get done. It’s like running into endless brick walls.”
After recovering from the trip, Edmund has poured himself into projects and outreach programs he never spent much time on before. He’s been particularly excited about a nonprofit that provides help and mentorship to orphaned boys in the area since it hits so close to home for him. But his primary project recently has been arranging protection for our island.
It’s always been safe and untouched because no one knew about it, but the publicity surrounding our rescue and return has brought it more attention. The island, however, has never been claimed by a country, and so it’s unclear who might be responsible for preserving it.
Terrified that a developer might just lay claim to it and turn it into some sort of resort, Edmund has been working like crazy to keep it safe. He had to form a lobbying group to have a platform to communicate with leaders and legislators and diplomats, and he’s sunk a ton of money into the effort.
I’m so proud of him. He’s never worked so hard at anything in his entire life.
“So do you think it’s hopeless? Is there nothing but brick walls?” I comb my fingers through his hair and then stroke his cheek. He shaved this morning, but he already has a little stubble.
“No, it’s not hopeless. I just have to plow through the walls.” He sighs and opens his eyes to smile at me. “I’m not used to making such an effort.”
“I know you aren’t. But hopefully it will be worth it.”
“It will be.” He closes his eyes again, smiling as I rub his head and neck. “You’re going to be late for your class.”
“No, I won’t. I’ve got plenty of time.” It’s an evening class that starts at six, and it’s only a bit after five.
“Are you nervous?”
“A little. I don’t know why. It’s just a class.”
“But it’s something new. It’s okay to be nervous. But you’re going to do great.”
“I hope so.”
“I’ve never known you to be anything but great at every single thing you’ve done.”
I can’t help smiling at the sweet comment. “Thank you for saying that, but I’m not sure it’s true.”
“Yes, it is. From arranging my schedule to organizing my closet to breaking open coconuts to having sex with me to flying a kite. You do all of it better than anyone I’ve ever known. You’re going to do great in this degree too. And when you’re done, you’re going to be great at whatever job you decide you want. And if you still want to start up a nonprofit, you know I’ll be happy to fund it.”
So I’m kind of sappy as I eventually leave to drive to the university campus for my class, but I figure it’s all right to be sappy sometimes.
***
T HE CLASS IS FINE. It’s not all that interesting, and it doesn’t even go the whole time, getting out around seven thirty. But I’m excited about the books and projects on the syllabus, and I’m excited about my future.
All of my future. In my career and with Edmund.
The house is quiet when I get home. No one is around—not even Alicia—and I eventually send Edmund a text. I’m home. Where are you?
I’m out back.
Relieved he didn’t actually disappear on me, I put down my stuff and walk through the house and then out to the large back patio that leads down to the pool.
Edmund is lighting a candle on a table set up near some potted plants. He’s wearing brown trousers and a green untucked shirt, and he looks handsome and relaxed and warm and smiling.
“Hey! Are we eating out here?”
“Yeah. I thought maybe we could.” He steps aside so I can see the table. It’s simply set with white china, crystal stemware, and tropical flowers.
“It’s beautiful! What a nice idea! And I love the tropical theme. It reminds me of the island.”
“It’s supposed to.”
“Should I change into something nicer?”
“No. You’re perfect as you are.” He comes over to kiss me, then takes my hand and leads me to my seat at the table.
On my plate is half a coconut shell, facing downward. It makes me giggle.
“You shouldn’t laugh at my romantic efforts,” he says in a teasingly aggrieved voice.
“I would never laugh at your efforts. I love your efforts. And it still feels like a dream come true that you want to make efforts for me .”
His face softens. “It feels like a miracle to me too.”
He makes a big show about helping me into my seat and then scooting it into place. Then he pours the wine and takes his own seat.
There are two covered serving dishes on the table. The food inside them, whatever it is, smells delicious.
“Thank you,” I say, feeling unusually sentimental. “I love that it reminds me of the island.”
“If I was going all out, I’d change into the very attractive shorts I wore all the time there, and I’d have you dressed in your tank top and underwear.”
I giggle helplessly. “I might be a little cool in that this evening.”
“That’s what I thought.”
He nods at the coconut on my plate.
Evidently I’m supposed to pick it up.
I do so, having not a single clue what might be beneath it.
What’s beneath it is a small jeweler’s box, open to display the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s a square-cut diamond with a platinum band formed into what looks like delicate vines.
I stare down at it speechlessly.
“It might feel like a miracle to both of us, but what we have is real,” Edmund says, getting up and coming over to kneel beside my chair. “It’s always been real, and it’s realer and deeper every day. I love you, Autumn. I’m always going to love you. And I want to spend the rest of my life being the man you’ve helped me to be. I want to always be that man with you.”
I’m choking up with emotion. I tighten my face and take a few shaky breaths as I start nodding my head before he even finishes talking.
“So will you marry me?” His expression is nakedly sincere, but a little glint of humor appears in his eyes now. “I have the perfect place picked out for the honeymoon.”
I burst into laughter and throw myself down at him in a hug. It’s not a wise move. We both end up lying on the ground.
It doesn’t matter. We kiss and hug and laugh together.
“Was that a yes?” Edmund asks at last, reaching for the ring that’s still in the box on the table.
“Yes, that’s a yes. Of course I want to marry you.”
He slides the ring on my finger, and we beam at each other.
“Do we really get to go back to the island for our honeymoon?” I ask. “I would love that.”
“Me too. I wouldn’t want it to be anywhere else.”