Chapter 32 Sloane
Sloane
Now
“Don’t you look pretty!”
Mama stands up from her seat at the table and pulls me into a tight hug.
I hug her back just as fiercely, breathing in the familiar scent of her.
She always smells like home to me. Like the creamy, buttery goodness of fresh-baked cakes and pies.
I love hugging her. Love being enveloped in the bubble of security that is her orbit.
It’s the best place to be, especially when you feel a little off-kilter and anxious, which is exactly what I’ve been since I woke up on Tuesday morning and realized the swell of tender feelings pressing against my rib cage, and making a mockery out of my promise to never feel this way for another man, hadn’t gone anywhere.
In all honesty, I didn’t think that they would.
But if they had, ending things in a few weeks would be a lot easier.
And I wouldn’t have spent the last two days biting the hell out of my tongue to keep myself from confessing my love to Dom every time I spoke to him.
And he isn’t making it easy. With his impossibly handsome face, body built for sin, and heart made of gold.
Every time he touches me, every time he looks at me, every sweet word he whispers to me while he’s buried inside me feels like it’s tailor-made to rip the words from my soul.
And Lord, am I tired of fighting.
That’s why when Mama called me today and asked me to grab an early dinner with her, I texted Dom to say I would be home late and jumped on the opportunity.
Plus, getting some one-on-one time with my favorite mother-in-law is an added bonus.
I squeeze her a little bit tighter before letting her go so we can sit.
“Thank you!” We both beam at each other from across the table. “You look beautiful as well.”
She’s decked out in a burnt orange sweater and a pair of dark-washed jeans.
The sweater is a little more formfitting than she usually wears, and I force back the comment about her taking Mal’s advice to spice up her wardrobe because she’d never admit it anyway.
A petite Black girl with a sweet smile comes over and takes our food and drink order.
When she’s gone, Mama fiddles with the napkin in front of her before meeting my eyes.
“I’m so glad you didn’t have dinner plans today, sweetheart.” She grabs my hand. “I’ve been missing you.”
Guilt slices through me as I squeeze her hand back.
Outside of Sunday dinners, I haven’t spent much time with Mama lately.
Usually, I make a point of stopping by to see her at least once or twice a week after work, but since Dom and I started up, I’ve been going straight home. All too eager to lose myself in him.
“I know. Things with work have been really busy, but I haven’t meant to be missing in action. We’re almost done with this project, so I’ll be able to come by more.”
“Oh, honey. I’m not trying to guilt-trip you.
You’ve got a right to live your own life.
I don’t need y’all stopping by my house every day out of the week and getting on my nerves.
” She rolls her eyes at my lifted brow. Everyone knows that Mama loves to have a house full of people around.
If we don’t stop by on our own, she’ll call with a reason for us to come over.
“And I think we both know that work isn’t the only thing keeping you busy. ”
Now it’s her turn to arch a brow at me, and my heart sinks into my stomach. I should have known this was the reason she didn’t include Mal in our dinner plans. She wants the chance to tell me exactly how she feels about me starting to date again without anyone else around.
“Mama, I—”
She holds up her hand to stop me from talking, and I close my mouth because I don’t know what I was going to say anyway.
I expect to see her face harden like it has in the few rare moments I’ve seen her angry, but it doesn’t.
Her features remain schooled in that soft, open expression she always wears.
The one that makes you feel like you can tell her anything.
“I didn’t mean it like that, Sloane.” She chuckles, patting my hand softly. “That was just my awkward way of trying to broach a subject that’s going to be uncomfortable for both of us to discuss. That is, if you want to talk to me about it at all.”
Relief trickles down my spine, and I give her a smile that’s already turned watery. Her kindness, the gentle way she’s cradling my fingers in her hand, it’s all too much. And so much more than I deserve. I slide my hand out of hers and pretend to straighten my blouse.
“You don’t have to dance around the subject. I know Mal’s already filled you in.”
Mama laughs. “She did tell me, but I figured I could get the more dialed-back version from you. That girl gives too much information.”
“Yeah, she does.”
The waitress comes back with our food, and we fall into an awkward silence. I push my pasta around on my plate and wait for Mama to tell me exactly what she wants to know. Please don’t let her want to know about Ash.
“Sloane,” Mama says, finally breaking the silence.
“All I want to know is, are you happy? This man you’re seeing…
Mal told me he’s nice, says one of her friends used to date him, but I don’t care about him as much as I care about you.
So just answer that question for me and I’ll try not to ask anything else. ”
Oh, thank God. Now, this I can do. I can reassure her, tell her how happy and okay I am without going into any specifics about my nonexistent relationship with Ash or revealing anything about my forbidden relationship with Dom.
I’ll be cutting it close, balancing my words on the fine line between a lie and the truth, but I’m willing to do it to give her some peace of mind and hopefully banish the sadness that was in her eyes on our call the other day.
I take a sip of my drink. “Yes, I’m happy, but it’s not like I was miserable before, Mama. I was just…”
“Lonely,” Mama finishes for me, filling in the blank I left open.
Her amber eyes shine with a heartbreaking understanding that can only come from losing the person you love too soon.
I know she knows that pain, having lost Mal and Eric’s dad when they were babies, and it’s comforting to talk to her like this.
Widow to widow instead of bereaved wife to devastated mother.
“Yes, after Eric, I just never saw myself wanting anything with anyone else. He was my person, and no one will ever take his place in my heart, but I just felt like maybe it was time for more than the lonely little bubble I’d resigned myself to.”
She nods. “That makes perfect sense to me, honey.”
I search her eyes for the sadness that was there before and come up empty.
Her expression doesn’t look anything like I expected it to—no hidden hurt or anger, no judgment or accusations about not loving her son enough lining her features—just the kind of love and understanding you’d expect to see from a mother.
It soothes something deep inside of me, wrapping me in a sense of comfort and peace that makes me want to pour my heart out to her.
“I think I might love him,” I blurt, slapping my hand over my mouth when I realize what I’ve said.
Nice work, Sloane. You’re supposed to be downplaying the relationship, not letting her know how far in over your head you are.
“Oh God. I shouldn’t have said that to you.
You’re here to check in on me, not hear about me falling in love… ”
Dammit. Why did I say that again?! Mama’s eyes go wide, stretching with amusement. Despite my ramblings, she doesn’t seem at all bothered by what I’ve just said. Almost like she doesn’t see a problem with me being in love with another man.
Maybe she doesn’t.
“I’m happy to listen to anything you want to share, baby. Just don’t be like Mal and start giving me all the details about your sex life. I don’t need to know that.”
She scrunches up her nose, shaking her head in disgust as if she’s recalling a particularly explicit moment Mal shared with her.
Between the look on her face and the relief I feel at her willingness to listen to me talk about things I haven’t spoken about with another living soul, I feel like my heart is about to explode.
“Trust me, the last thing I want to do is talk to you about that.”
“Good. Now, did you mean what you just said? Do you really think you might be falling in love with this man?”
I meet her eyes and nod, guilt twisting in my chest at the knowledge that I’m not giving her the full picture.
I don’t want Mama to think I’m talking about Ash.
Dom and I already spend so much time lying about what we are to each other, and I don’t want the first time I talk about my true feelings for him to be under the guise of a relationship with another man.
“It’s not Ash though.” I bite my lip, fiddling with my wedding band anxiously. “Please don’t say anything to Mal. She doesn’t know yet, but I started seeing someone else. We just sort of fell together in this inevitable way. He’s kind, and he takes care of me in a way no one has since Eric.”
“And he knows about…” Her eyes flick to my wedding band as she clears her throat, stumbling over the words. “He knows you were married before?”
He was at the wedding.
“He does, and he’s so understanding about everything.
Me wearing my ring and sleeping in Eric’s old shirt from high school.
He doesn’t make me feel weird when random things remind me of Eric and make me sad.
He just gets it. He gets me. When I’m with him, I don’t feel like I have to erase the part of me that will always love Eric.
And I didn’t think I’d ever find that with someone. ”
It’s not the full truth, but it’s the closest I can get to it without crossing over the line I’ve been so carefully toeing since the first time Dom and I kissed. Mama reaches for me, grabbing my hand again and squeezing tight, so I can’t pull away.