Chapter 11 Ledger
Chapter eleven
“I’m going to make my way to bed. I think Katarina will be asleep by now, and I…well, never mind.” Henry stands and rounds the desk, pausing to grab my shoulders. “Good night, brother.”
“Night. I’ll head up in a bit. Sloane is still going through seating placements with Margot, and I hate getting into a cold bed without her lately.”
With one last squeeze, he leaves me alone in his study.
The room that used to represent the tyranny of our father.
I spent way too much time here as a child, in this very seat, listening to him lecture me on my shortcomings.
Our relationship became a cycle of toxicity, and I let it define most of my adult life.
That is, until my angel came along and changed me for the better.
Not only did she pick up the broken pieces of my heart and cherish them but she’s also helped me heal.
Making my way to what is now my brother’s seat, I sit and imagine what it was like for my father.
After years and years of therapy, I’ve finally learned not to hate him.
Maybe it’s because I have a son of my own, and while I know I would never make him feel like a failure, I also know I’ll never be a perfect dad.
And I have to admit, I was somewhat of a terror.
Looking out from where he once sat fills me with complex emotions I’m only recently learning to accept.
Henry Sinclair Jr. may not have been cut out to raise sons, but he was a hell of a man in other aspects.
He couldn’t have been a better dad to our sister, and the way he cared for Mom is the archetype by which I care for my Sloane.
I know Henry, Margot, and even Jack are able to love as deeply as we do because we had their relationship as an example.
Laughter carries down the hall, breaking me from my trance.
Smiling, I realize he must have experienced this time and time again.
As many negative memories as I carry from my childhood, the positive ones outnumber them tenfold.
This estate was filled with laughter, none more infectious than the one currently growing closer.
“Mom?”
“Ledger? Are you in the study? Hold on, darling. I’ll be right there.”
“Good night, Ivan. I’ll see you…later?”
“Of course, my love.”
Mom waltzes into the room with the biggest smile on her face.
“You’re glowing, Mom…positively radiant. What have you been up to?”
Mom blushes, a rarity for her. “Oh, Ivan and I were going through storage for some of Henry’s old baby clothes. I’m sending them off to have a quilt made for our little fourth on the way.”
“Ah…just looking for baby clothes. You weren’t trying to make them too, were you?”
“Ledger Sinclair! I’m past the age of having babies.”
“Ahh! I said trying to make them, not having them!” I laugh as she rolls her eyes, fighting a smile.
“Mom, why don’t you and Ivan just make it official? I know you care about him.”
“I know, I know…but he—”
“He? Wait, it’s not him, is it? Because I’ll kick his ass. I don’t care what his ninja turtle of a son does to me later. No man gets to turn you down.”
“Oh, for crying out loud, of course it’s not him. Honestly, Ledger, do you think I would waste my time on such a man?”
“Then what is the reason? Because you know you have our full support. We want you to be happy.”
A soft smile I’ve taken comfort in so many times before paints her face. “I guess it’s your dad. I’ve never been able to fully let him go…”
“Mom—”
She wipes a tear from her cheek and slides me an envelope.
“Speaking of which, I ran across some letters he must have written before he passed away. I know your relationship with your father wasn’t good, but I hope you’ll read it.
He loved you so much even though, I’ll admit, he did a horrible job of showing it.
It’s something I’ll never forgive him for. ”
“I know he loved me. It’s taken some time, but I’m finally learning to forgive him.
” It takes all I have to stop staring at the letter on the desk and look back at Mom.
“I may not have been sure about his love for me, but I never doubted his utter devotion to you, Mom. That man loved you body, mind, and soul. And if I was ever sure about anything, it’s that he would’ve wanted you to be happy.
Even if that happiness was in the arms of another man.
It would kill him to see you lonely, and you know it. ”
Mom reaches across the desk and takes my hand, tears now streaming down her face. “Thank you, Ledger. I love you so much. Thank you.”
“I love you too, Mom, now go find your…later.” I wink.
With a diabolical chuckle, she stands, shaking her head as she walks away. “Good night, baby. Read the letter.”
And with that, she’s gone, and I’m alone again. Alone and staring at the envelope with his handwriting. Ledger.
I’ve read every journal of his I could find, searching for something, anything. Looking for any indication of the affection he once had for me, and what moment in time I lost it. There are so many things I would say to him. So many questions I would ask.
And, God, how badly I want to show him the family I created—the precious woman who chose me and the two beautiful children she’s given me.
I know if he met her, met them, he would finally be proud of me.
But most of all, I just want to feel his embrace one more time.
The only problem is that I wouldn’t want to let go.
I tear into the letter, careful to savor the last words from the man whose approval I’ve spent so much of my life chasing.