Chapter 24
As the weeks go by, it’s sunrise to sunset. Victor, Massey, and her dad are consistently working. They’ve filed several documents delaying the eviction for us and a few other businesses in the area. They’ve gained a few new clients and are trying to find a permanent location for their office. Right now, they have been working out of Victor’s home office for everything. I’ll pop some goodies in for everyone once in a while, but they are so focused on this stuff, and if it saves the auto shop, then I’ll happily stay out of their way.
I spend my days at the shop and evenings in my garage with my car until Victor has finished work for the day. She doesn’t need anything, but I enjoy doing brief touch-ups. Usually, in my spare moments, I’ll sit in the back seat with a beer and enjoy the view of the home that sits in front of us. I never imagined a private garage to keep her in.
I can’t tell you what it feels like to have people willing to help fight your battles. You don’t have to ask, it’s just automatic. We didn’t ask for any of this, but we were finally open to receiving help. There are some fights you can’t do on your own, and when you can’t fight them, having that extended family to do that for us… it’s a good life.
I stayed home from the shop today. My heart is so content in this moment of comfort and clarity. With a beer in hand, I am sitting in the back of my car when my phone rings. The caller ID shows the assisted living facility where my mom is, and my heart stalls. When I answer, my stomach drops. Panic surges through my veins as I throw my beer out the window on the garage floor. The glass shatters into what seems like a million pieces as the amber liquid coats the concrete floor.
I immediately call Leland as I run through the house, grabbing my things. When the line connects, I scream at the top of my lungs. “Get to mom now!”
Massey calls my name, but I’m in flight mode. I can’t stop. I dial up Lawson and yell the same four words through the line once it’s connected.
I race over to the facility and barely have the truck in park before I jump out and run inside. Turning the corner as I arrive at the hall where her room is located, I see the doctors in the hallway shaking their heads. But that’s not what has my body crumbling. It’s the longtime nurses who have cared for her over the years who are crying. They look up and offer an apologetic look when they see me.
“NO! NO! NO!” I scream and shake my head. I rush down the sterile hallway and try to push into the room, but the doctor stops me. He tells me I can’t go in just yet. The nurse is standing there pulling, me back to her, and keeps reiterating that she is sorry.
“No! Let me go. What’s going on?” Trying to shrug myself from their grip, I am screaming and crying. Fighting to get by them.
Strong arms pull me away from them and engulf me. I realize I am sandwiched between enormous arms. My arms fling about, trying to free myself.
“Collins…”
Leland looks at me with a somber look, while Lawson”s cheeks are covered in wetness. The realization hits all of us.
The doctor ushers us to a separate room designated for families and explains what happened. She stood up to walk with the nurse for dinner when she had a seizure and fell, hitting her head on the edge of the bedpost. Between the seizure and the impact of the post, they couldn’t get her back. I just sit there in silence and just watch everyone talking. Their lips are moving with heartfelt apologies, but it does nothing to settle my broken heart. Tears fall and my body begs to scream, sob, anything really, but I can’t produce a sound if I try. Words have no meaning.
Movement in the corner of the room draws my attention. Victor stands watching me. I don’t know how long he has been there, but he’s here. I stand and push my way through the small crowd around us. His arms stretch out toward me and pull me into his embrace.
He is holding me and rocking back and forth until I’m ready to pull away.
“They are going to take us to her so we can say goodbye. Then they are going to go forward with what Mom has placed in her will.” Leland takes the lead.
Grasping Victor’s hand, interlocking our fingers together, I turn and face my brother, nodding. We follow him to the room and stop before crossing the threshold. Victor pulls my hand to his lips and lays a gentle kiss on the top of my hand.
“I’ll wait right here.” He releases his hold, allowing me to walk with my brothers.
We sit around our mother for the last time. Just me and my brothers. Her eyes are closed and for the first time in many years, her face doesn’t look so tense. The wrinkles around her face seem more prominent now that it is free of the daily struggles.
“I don’t know what to say, shit I never knew what to say,” Lawson expresses, taking up the seat next to the window. He leans forward and drags it across the dull tile floor, closer to her bed.
“Me either.” Leland bites his cheek, still standing at the edge of her bed.
I wish I had their strength. All my willpower throughout these years is drained from my tired body. Dropping onto the side of her bed, I take her hand in mine.
“So, my car is finally fully complete. She’s a looker mom, it’s pretty incredible. Oh, Lawson has fully moved in with Massey. She says he’s not that gross. I don’t believe her,” I say. Speaking to her like it was yesterday.
Lawson laughs a little, and he nods. “I am pretty gross.”
“Taylor is back. He’s fighting pretty hard for Leland. Did you know Leland wants to get married and have kids? Leland married with kids, right? He did a pretty good job raising us.” I lose what strength I have left. “Mom, you would be incredibly proud of these guys! They’ve done great in life.”
I raise her hand and give a kiss on the top of her hand. Holding on to it tighter today. Her skin is soft against my lips. The warmth is fading with each passing minute as we sit in complete silence.
The funeral home arrives to take her away. They roll her out of the room and we still stand there one last time. Leland grasps both Lawson and me as he drags us into a hug. No words need to be said, nothing more needs to be done at the moment. My eyes trace around the room with the oil paintings that hang on the wall, the small fake flowers by the window frame. An illusion of home.
The nurse comes in with cardboard boxes and bags for us to pack up her room. I look around and see her favorite gold necklace on the side table. I reach out and pick it up.
“This is all I want. Leland and Lawson, pick one thing and donate everything else. Either to the next patient or someone from the community that needs it.” I rush out of the room, clasping the necklace around my neck.
As I turn the corner exiting the room, Victor is still here, patiently waiting. When he sees me, he takes my hand and my keys. Without another word, he guides me out of the building for the last time. My feet feel like lead weights, dragging me along. He situates me in the passenger seat before slowly driving away. I look in the side mirror and watch the sign disappear the further away we drive. Leaving it in the past as a memory of once was normalcy. He drives us to Massey’s and my spot. By the time we arrive, it’s almost dusk. Leland, Lawson, Massey, and Taylor greet us.
Victor pulls our boards from the bed of my truck, and together, as a family, head for the water. I am standing at the edge of the water, so focused on the incoming waves. White foam touches the surface as if it’s bidding for me to join. Boards clap against the surface of the water, pulling my attention. I realize we are tagging up on boards. I climb on the front of my longboard as Victor lays behind me. We paddle out just beyond the reef and stop. We sit, couple by couple, in the calm surf. The rowdy current settles. It’s as if the ocean feels my pain and gives me the soothing waves.
Victor draws my body to him and my back lays against his chest, allowing me to pull my legs up toward my chest. He is stroking his hands up and down my arms, lulling me into comfort. And it finally hits me she is gone.
“AAAHHH!” I scream into the endless ocean.
Victor wraps his arms around me fully, hugging me tight as I release all the sadness left over. Leland and Lawson were on either side of me, reaching out and grabbing onto my leg or hand. Shedding tears, crying with me.
“We lost her a long time ago,” Leland says. “Collins, she never came back after the accident.”
“I know it hurts!” Lawson adds.
“So much. It’s not fair!” I scream louder. My throat scorches from the strain.
“I know, sis, it’s not fair.” Leland squeezes my hand.
“But we will be okay, we will all be okay.” Lawson pats my leg.
Victor holds me tighter as my continued sobs mix with the salty water of the ocean. I know they are right. She never came back after her accident. We continued to mourn a person who was alive. Spending visit after visit with someone who never recognized us. She truly was the definition of a shell of a person. Going through the motions and each visit, I had hoped that she would snap back to us, but she never did. Nevertheless, it doesn’t dull the pain of physically losing my mother. Now we can mourn her properly.
As the week goes on, the three of us are walking zombies. We have honored her wishes in her will and she was cremated. We will do a traditional paddle-out ceremony so we can distribute her ashes to the ocean. Back to water, giving her soul the freedom it so desperately needs.
It’s early in the morning of the ceremony, and we arrive at the beach. To my surprise, we are met with the entire community. Everyone from our area. Nurses and doctors from the facility, friends who didn’t quite know her but they were there for us… Ohana.
The crowd is full of brightly colored clothing adorned with beautiful Flower Lei. Sunrise is almost up and we line up to head into the water. Together we paddle out and make a circle in the ocean, placing the flowers in the water. As the sun rises, everyone chants together.
”E ala e, ka lā i ka hikina, I ka moana, ka moana hohonu, Pi‘i ka lewa, ka lewa nu‘u, I ka hikina, aia ka lā, e ala e!”
“Arise, the sun in the east, from the ocean, the deep ocean, climbing to heaven, the highest heaven, in the east, there is the sun, arise!” I translate while resting my palm over my heart.
The sun finally peeks over the horizon, its rays stretch out over the clear sky. We’ve cried so many tears this week and today is a happy release. Today we celebrate the beautiful life that she was, even when she was lost to us.
Together, we spread her ashes into the ocean and she is finally free.
Once the song is over and the leis have drifted off into the ocean, we surf back to shore. We head over to the park where we have a proper luau. In her honor, we sing and dance, celebrating the life of someone we loved so much.
The entire time, Victor has been right by my side. Holding my hand during the day and taking care of me when I need it. At night, he holds me close. As much as I miss my mom, I’m comforted in the presence of someone who genuinely cares.
Never once has he says “Just get over it” or “you should be relieved, she’s in a better place” or any of that crap. He has let me just handle all this on my terms.
At the end of the night, we say goodbye to everyone. Victor drives me to our home. Shifting his car into park, I step out before he can get my door to help me out. My head tips back at the clear sky where the stars shine brightly this evening. The moon casts a lightness, keeping the darkness from fully engulfing me.
Victor places his hand on the small of my back, encouraging me to walk inside. Just through the door, he rushes toward the stereo and switches on some music. Holding his hand out toward me, I rush to his side.
“Let’s go outside for a bit?” He asks.
I follow along as he leads me out back to the private beach area. He drops his body into the sand just before the water’s edge and tugs my body to sit between his legs. With my back against his chest, he pulls my hands into his and just holds me close.
“Thank you will never be enough for this week,” I finally say.
“Shh, you never have to thank me.” His lips press against the top of my head before he rests his chin on my shoulder. “I love you, Collins.”
“I love you too.” I turn my head up to look at him. “You have to work tomorrow?”
“I’m the boss. I can call out.” He smirks.
“Do you want to take a drive?”
“I’d go anywhere for you,” he sweetly responds.
I turn back toward the ocean and close my eyes. Focusing on the waves crashing in the far distance and the gentle breeze that touches our skin. There is beauty in the breaking, they say. This year has tested me in ways I never expected. Despite all the ways I’ve been challenged, it’s worth it when I have moments like this.