Chapter 20
TIFFANY
It’s as if I am alone. I can no longer hear him, but I’m aware that he’s here. He’s close, and I’m comforted by that.
As I relax on the bench, my mind is the only company I am keeping. He ceases to exist; it’s just me and my demons as he calls them.
It’s why I want to be in the convent. I’m not alone there. Why I need my sisters, anybody really, so I’m not alone with my mind.
My breathing intensifies as the memories swirl.
Even now, Morgan is plotting my downfall.
I have no idea what evidence she is holding to prove I murdered my father, but I’m guessing she has a convincing story to tell.
It’s what she does. What she did when my father was alive.
She fed me lies and told lies about me until I couldn’t tell what was real anymore.
She messed with my mind, and she still is, and I sob, reluctant to let her in here but accepting she never left.
I’m not certain how long I lie here for, falling deeper down the black hole that is my mind, conscious that this time I’m not alone. Joesph is here. Can he help me? He says he can, and somehow, I trust him.
“Joseph,” I whisper, my words sounding hollow in the silence, and he reaches for my fingers that are hanging in chains.
“I’m here, angel.”
“I hate her.”
“I know.”
He laces his fingers with mine and I speak as if no one is listening.
“I was her favorite. She told me.”
I laugh without humor. “It was another lie. She merely wanted to mold me into her pet. To do her bidding. To spy on my sisters.”
The fact that I’m restrained doesn’t bother me now. It’s as if I have nowhere to go anyway except the dark place in my mind.
“She called me her slave. Where she gave my sisters jobs around the house, I was locked in her room where she would…”
I break off, my breathing heavy, and only the gentle pressure of Joseph’s fingers reminding me I am not alone.
“She would slap me, bite me, pinch me, and throw shoes at me if I did one thing she didn’t like.
Many times she locked me in her closet until I couldn’t breathe.
She cut off my hair and pretended I had done it, and my father was so angry he slapped me hard around the face.
He did that a lot. Because of her and her lies. ”
Anger is replacing fear as the memories burn.
“One day he was away on a business trip, and she locked me in her closet for the day. I was ten years old. I heard things. As if she were in pain, and when I edged to the slats in the wood, I saw her with a man.”
I grip Joseph’s fingers. “I realize what they were doing, and as they fucked against the closet door, I placed my hands over my ears and attempted to block it out. Then she opened the door.”
I swallow hard, desperately searching for something to cling onto to get the words out. I have never voiced them before, but it’s as if I am the only one here and Joseph, of course.
“They were naked. I looked away, and she grabbed me around the neck and forced me to stare at the man. She told me that if I breathed one word to anyone, he would do the same to me. I was terrified. The man was staring at me with a strange expression, and I didn’t like it. He–”
I swallow hard, shame washing over me as I falter, “He told her to strip me, that he wanted to look at me and I made to scream and she slammed her hand over my mouth and whispered, ‘Next time, little doll. If you do anything to anger me, I will give you to him to play with like the little doll you are.’ She told the man to leave, and as soon as he was gone, she ordered me to clean up after them and tell nobody what I saw. If I did, she would carry out her threat, and I never did.”
Tears slide down my face as years of mental abuse resurface, my sobs taking over as I let it all out. I can’t even brush them away. I can’t move at all and for some reason it is strangely liberating.
I am in a safe place. It certainly feels like that, and Joseph is a phantom, existing in the shadows.
There is no sound at all, no words of reassurance, and I’m good with that because there is also no judgment.
After a while, he whispers, “Is that why you were afraid to leave the convent?”
“I was safe there.”
“And here. Do you feel safe here?”
I think of my attic room, the black room, and the impressive house below it. The silent guards and the demon at my shoulder.
“In here I do, but not out there.”
He says nothing, and I’m surprised when he strokes my hair with his fingers, gently and with care, and it feels kind of nice.
“Why did you put me in the attic, Joseph? Were you being deliberately cruel?”
It’s something that’s bothered me since I came here, and his answer shocks me to my soul.
“I wanted it to feel like home, angel. You didn’t want to leave the convent. I figured there was a reason for that, so I placed the Bible by your bed for comfort, reassurance if you like.”
“You did?”
Fresh tears replace stale ones, and he carries on stroking.
“You discovered this room, and I kind of thought you might benefit from it. That is why I allowed you to enter. We are the only two people who have.”
“And Su Yin.”
“Yes, of course.”
“You told me you would show me what she does to you in here.”
“This, angel.”
“So, she’s a therapist?”
His low chuckle is at odds with the person he is.
“My demons are many, angel. She has a huge job to do where I am concerned. No, talking isn’t enough. My problems lie way deeper than that.”
“Show me.”
I am determined to peer inside his soul, and he whispers against my ear, “You are not ready to deal with my demons when you haven’t triumphed over yours.”
I’m surprised when he plants a soft kiss on my lips and then whispers, “You must be hungry. Come, we will eat and then we have a visit to make.”
Why am I disappointed that this is where this ends?
“A visit?”
“Your grandfather.”
He removes the blindfold and sets about unchaining me from the bench, and as I sit up, I don’t even care that I’m naked. It somehow feels natural in this room—with him and I wonder about that.
“Why are we going to visit him? I’ve never met him, and he never made any effort to contact me?”
I’m salty about that, and Joseph grasps my hand, pulling me from the bench.
“He has something I want.”
“So, it’s not about me.”
“I never said it was.”
“You’re a strange man, Joseph.”
“You don’t know the half of it, angel. Your demons are destructive, and I will help you with that. My demons are part of my soul now, and where I go, they come too.”
“Why did you scream in pain when you were in this room?”
I’m intrigued by that because from what I’ve experienced, only peace accompanies a visit here.
“Because pain is my release valve. I crave it to let the demons fly.”
“You like pain.”
I can’t comprehend that, and he sighs. “Su Yin is a master of pressure points. She knows the exact ones to press if I hold anything back from her. She demands my memories, and if I withhold them, she drags them out of me. At some point in all this, the pain became the thing I looked forward to the most.”
“What happened to you, Joseph?”
“Hell, angel. I was born into hell, and I am learning to live with the realities of that.”
He hands me my clothes and then dresses, pulling on the mask, his armor if you like, before shutting down and saying coolly. “This room is the only place I let my guard down. Come here anytime you feel the need for that.”
He turns, and I reach out and grasp his hand and whisper, “Thank you for being so thoughtful.”
I smile in the shadows. “The room I mean. To be honest, it’s perfect, and you were right; it feels comforting and a lot like home except for one thing.”
“Name it and it’s yours.”
I gulp, unsure whether to voice the one thing missing, and the words slip out before I can stop them.
“I’m on my own, and that’s a very scary place to be.”
He says nothing, merely turns and opens the door, light flooding the room, and as I follow him out, I guess we have reached an understanding of sorts.
Perhaps he is not such a monster after all.