Chapter 49
TIFFANY
Ican’t believe we are home. This has been the most agonizing, yet liberating few days of my life, and it has brought a certain kind of peace with it.
We traveled to our home this time with no fear. Holding the hands of our future as we revisited the past.
It was strange being back, almost ghostly, and as I wandered through the rooms, holding Joseph’s hand, I recounted many terrible memories in every one.
There was not one good one, which was sad, really.
Even visiting my father’s den brought back trauma, and I was happy to leave with only a few minor possessions to remember him by.
Happier times perhaps; there weren’t many, which is sad considering we were supposed to have it all.
I also said au revoir to my sisters at the door. Not for the first time either, but this time under the promise that we will visit them soon in the United States. They are also welcome in London any time they want to travel, and now, as we reach that London home, it feels exactly that. Home.
We head inside and are met by Mrs. Harrington. Her anxious smile welcoming.
“Welcome home, Mr. and Mrs. Ravera.”
I toss my eyes.
“Tiffany, please.”
Her anxious gaze slides to my husband, and he shrugs. “My wife is in charge now, Mrs. Harrington. I have no problem with that.”
Her happy smile is full of relief, and that makes me happy. As she heads off to arrange a tray of tea, I breathe a little easier.
Home. I never imagined it would be like this, then again I never imagined I would marry a man like Joseph Ravera.
He takes my hand, and the pain in his eyes catches my breath because once again his memories are torturing him.
I doubt that will ever change if what happened back at the house is anything to go by, and he says with a frown.
“We should freshen up. It’s been a lot.”
“Of course.”
I wonder where this leaves us. What happens now, and as we head upstairs once again, we reach the second staircase and I hesitate.
“So, um, I’ll, well, meet you in the living room then.”
“Yes.”
I reach for the handrail, almost hoping he says something. It’s as if a wall is still between us, despite the history we have shared, and yet as I walk up every stair with a heavy heart, he merely watches me go.
I’m home.
The attic room is still here.
Sparse, almost cold, and yet strangely welcoming. It’s as if I have lived a million lifetimes since I was last here, and I sit upright on the bed; my fingers tangled in my lap.
I’m not sure what I expected when we returned, but it wasn’t this. When we left for Milan, I thought we had reached an understanding. We had sex in his bedroom, but it was way more than that. Feelings were involved.
I thought we had battered down his walls, but since stepping back into this house, it appears he merely opened the door a little. It’s been slammed shut once again, and I wasn’t expecting that.
With a sigh, I head to the small bathroom to shower, wondering if this is now my life. My husband downstairs with me like a prisoner in the turret, waiting for him to want to play with me.
Shutting me out, carrying on in his cold, impersonal world, allowing me the occasional glimpse of the man behind the enigmatic smile.
As I tiptoe out of the shower, the towel wrapped around me, a door slams downstairs, causing me to jump. Voices and then footsteps alert my curiosity, and my heart races as I tiptoe to the edge of the staircase and peer down.
Joseph is heading upstairs, and my heart crashes and burns when I notice Su Yin slightly in front of him. There is no guessing needed as to where they are heading, and my tears blind me as I come to terms with the fact he will always need her.
I am not enough, and it’s obvious that she was his first thought when he returned home. In some ways, I shouldn’t be surprised because of what just happened. He shot a woman’s hand clean off with cold dispassion.
It was a lot, a terrible experience, and once again it reminds me, the ghosts will never leave him all the time he makes new ones.
They head to the black room, and my heart thumps as the door closes behind them, and tears blind my eyes as I sit on the top step, my teeth chattering not from the cold but through anxiety.
I am not enough for him.
This is my life now.
Three people are in this marriage, and there probably always will be.
I wait for the screams, the pain, the torment, but instead the click of the door causes my heart to thump.
Footsteps on the staircase, heels. The gentle click of purpose heading my way.
There is no time to flee to my room, and as Su Yin rounds the corner, our eyes meet for the first time.
I am still in my towel, my wedding ring my only adornment, and her enigmatic smile causes me to freeze like an animal in headlights.
“I, um–”
“Mrs. Ravera.”
She half-bows with respect.
“I am Su Yin. I am very pleased to meet you.”
“Um, same.”
My mind is thrashing wildly inside my head because what is happening? This is different.
I’m shocked when she points to the space beside me on the top step and as she sits, I shuffle along a little.
“I am sorry to ask this of you, but I could use your help.”
“My help?”
I’m shocked, and she nods, her usual enigmatic smile revealing nothing at all.
“Joseph is a complicated man with extremely difficult demons to control. We have tried many things since we began our association, and I believe the time has come to try something new.”
I wait for her to speak, my thoughts not appropriate on this occasion, and she smiles in a mysterious way.
“Please, I have requested your presence in our session. It is important that you share what happens in there.”
“Is it?”
I’m strangely nervous. “Won’t I be intruding?”
“How can you intrude in your home, Mrs. Ravera, and I’m not talking about the house?”
She smiles. “You are married - his wife. There should be nothing between you, no secrets and no fears. It’s time for Joseph to move away from his past, and he can’t do it alone.”
“How can I help him?”
I’m not certain I can because I’m as fucked in the head and the heart as he is. Two broken souls don’t make a whole one. There will always be the crack down the middle that either one of them could slip through.
I nod, clutching the towel around me as I falter, “I’ll, um, change. I won’t be long.”
“You are fine as you are.”
Her sweet smile rattles my doubts, and I nod, cautiously following her like Joseph did to the black room.
We step inside and my heart falls when I note Joseph lying on the bench, naked, his clothes a mere heap on the floor. He has been restrained; he is still, silent, and only his erratic breathing disturbs the peace.
The beast has been caught.
“Joseph.”
Su Yin is confident.
“Your wife will hold your hand during this session.”
He says nothing, and as I approach, it’s as if I am seeing him for the first time. Tentatively, I reach out and slip my fingers into his, that hang limply down through their chains.
He has the blindfold on, and I wonder what he’s thinking now, but the gentle pressure of his hand tells me I’m welcome at least.
Su Yin moves to his head and runs her fingers through his hair, pressing down, her soothing voice commanding.
“Tell me what you see, Joseph.”
“I don’t see him.”
His voice cracks as he hisses, “Where is he?”
“Who do you see?”
“Nothing. An empty room. Why did he leave me?”
I hold my breath as his voice slides like a serpent over my soul. Terrifying, hypnotizing, as if waiting for it to strike and unable to do anything about it.
“Make him come back.”
His voice bleeds pain, and he grips my hand tighter. This time more out of desperation than reassurance.
“He’s gone, Joseph.”
Su Yin’s soothing voice cracks the intensity.
“His job is done. He has moved on, and so should you.”
“NO!”
His loud roar causes me to jump as he screams. “I want him back! Make him come back to me!” His voice drops. “He promised never to leave me.”
This is soul-destroying as I watch my husband break and he begs, “Please, Su Yin. Bleed my pain. Bring him back to me.”
“Kiss him.”
Her low voice causes me to jump, and I stare at her in horror, because what will that achieve? He’ll hate me for it. He doesn’t want me, he wants Zac; it’s obvious he can’t live without his ghost.
“Do it.”
She continues to dig her nails into his hair, and I nod, taking a deep breath as I lean down, wondering if this is going to end very badly for me.
I apply gentle pressure to his lips; his are cold, almost lifeless, and Su Yin whispers, “Now what do you see, Joseph?”
He shifts, not responding, my lips on his, sucking gently, reassuring, applying pressure.
I pull away and he groans. “Please don’t leave me.”
She nods, and I reapply the pressure. This time he kisses me back, a low groan cracking the air.
It’s as if I am kissing my husband for the first time, and Su Yin’s gentle tones are haunting as she whispers, “Zac has left because you don’t need him anymore.”
Joseph stiffens, a howl of pain filling my mouth, and I make to pull back, but Su Yin is having none of that.
“Kiss your wife, Joseph. Zac wants you to move on. He can’t stay with you forever; you must let him go. Concentrate on your wife. You must be strong for her.”
His tears are wet against my cheek, but he kisses me back, deeply, almost painfully, as he struggles with the situation.
“Zac has left, Joseph. You don’t need him anymore. Focus on Tiffany and the new life you will make. Zac needs to be free to rest in peace. Let him go; set him free.”
Joseph is kissing me harder, more deeply, and almost frantically, and Su Yin unfastens one of his hands, saying gently, “Hold your wife.”
He reaches for me, crushing my lips to his in a frenzy, and it’s almost painful as he unleashes his demons into me. I feel them: the pain, the hurt, the panic almost, and all the time I kiss him back. My hand moving to cup his jaw, feeding off him, swallowing his pain.
He pulls away and growls, “Untie me.”
Su Yin merely says, “What do you see now, Joseph?”
His voice breaks. “My future.”
She says nothing and releases his other hand and whispers, “Where is the pain? Let me help you set it free.”
He falters, his hands gripping my face so hard it’s painful, and he says almost in astonishment, “I feel no pain.”
Su Yin steps away.
“Kiss your wife again, allow your mind to open, and then tell me where the pain is? I can help free it from inside you.”
He does as she says, this time relaxing his hold, gentler, almost caressing my face.
His kiss is more intense, his need greater, and for a moment I forget she is even in the room. My towel slips, my skin heats and my desire increases as his hands work their magic and push the towel away.
He pulls me closer, his finger drifting through my hair, one hand behind my back, merging our bodies together, his passion increasing the tension in the room.
I’m not sure if we’re about to have sex in front of his therapist. It’s a strange situation, and yet I will do anything to help him—even that.
As she releases his ankles, her voice cuts through the thick tension, strangely like balm, and she whispers, “Where is Zac? Joseph, speak his name; call for him.”
He breaks away, and his voice is husky as he whispers, “Where are you, Zac?”
“Louder.”
Su Yin commands him, and he yells, “Come out, Zac. Don’t you leave me.”
She yells, “Where is he, Joseph? What do you see?”
He pulls me close, his fingers gripping my ass, one hand behind my back, holding me tightly.
“I see Tiffany. Zac has gone.”
He relaxes against me and whispers, “I see you.”
He kisses me softly on the cheek and whispers, “I will always see you, Tiffany. Don’t you dare ever leave me because it would break me.”
“I’m not leaving.”
Those are the first words I have voiced inside this room, and he grips me hard.
“Promise me.”
“I won’t leave you, Joseph. I am your wife and well—” I falter, my heart crashing against me as I whisper, “Because I love you.”
He stills, his hold merely tightening, and he pulls away a little and with a gentle touch, tilts my face to meet his, and his eyes burn through the darkness. His voice is softer, not in pain, and he whispers huskily, “I love you, Tiffany, and I have for some time.”
I stroke his face, cupping his cheek in the palm of my hand as I kiss him with less passion, more with love. His hand snaps over mine and he returns the kiss, soft, loving and less brutal than before.
His cock is hard against my stomach and his heart pressed against mine. Our kiss is soft, long, intense even, and as the door to the black room clicks closed behind Su Yin, it’s as if she takes the demons with her, leaving the two of us alone at last.