Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
THE HEATHEN
“Do you feel safe? With these men?”
I stare at the woman who identified herself as Penelope, my eyes full of surprise at her question.
“Yes. They would never hurt me.”
She smiles softly, her gaze reassuring.
“These are standard questions. Do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else?”
Everybody knows when you’re asked that question, you tell them what they want to hear because the truth lands you in a padded cell. Some place I never want to return to.
“No. I’m not going to take my own life or anyone else’s.”
I swallow hard, knowing I lied because eventually I’m going to find Jedediah and the others. My mind is all over the place with things. Today is an overwhelming mess. Tomorrow might be better. I don’t know which way is up and which way is down.
“I can still feel him inside me and I don’t know how to make it go away.”
She folds her hands on her lap and nods slightly in understanding.
“That’s expected. It will get easier with time, but it’s important to work through all the emotions. You cannot heal from it if you don’t deal with it.”
I imagine she doesn’t mean by killing people, which is my preferred method of handling things.
“Can Dr. Knight examine you?”
“Yes.” I say even though I want to say no.
I pull my shirt up and she touches around the branding on my flesh.
“This must hurt. It’s infected. I’ll prescribe a strong antibiotic. If you don’t notice a difference in a few days, please call me.”
When she presses two fingers to my ribs I jump as I whimper in pain.
“A few of these are probably broken, but there’s nothing we can do other than give your ribs time to heal.”
Next she examines my face and sighs softly.
“I’m sorry this happened to you. It must’ve been terrible.”
I admit, “That’s an understatement. It was hell. I would’ve preferred for him to kill me.”
She touches along my discolored cheeks and then down to my split lip.
“I think this will heal soon. No surgery required but if the pain doesn’t ease up in a few days we will need to schedule x-rays.
Things to watch for include a fever, if the branding site has worsening redness and more oozing.
Someone should stay with you for the next twenty-four hours in case of a concussion. ”
“Do I need to stay awake? I’m so tired.”
She shakes her head.
“No, we don’t advise that anymore, but you will need to be woken up every two to three hours. Just for tonight.”
She places some pill bottles on the nightstand.
“One is an antibiotic and the other is for pain as needed. I suggest alternating the pain reliever with ibuprofen for the next few days to control your discomfort as much as possible. You can take ibuprofen and this, three hours apart.”
She pulls on a fresh set of gloves, and I’m instantly nervous.
“I need to do an internal exam to check for injuries. I’ll be as gentle and quick as possible.”
I lie back and close my eyes as I wait for it to be over. I’m glad she is quick.
“Everything seems okay, but if you have abnormal bleeding, please let me know. The antibiotic will protect against some STDs, but I’m going to test for HIV. Is that okay?”
I sigh with annoyance, but say it’s fine. This shouldn’t be necessary. I’m a little irritated with Carter. He killed Noah quickly. I’m still dealing with the aftermath, and Noah feels nothing.
She moves to leave, and I ask, “Can you check the branding on my back?”
Her face pales as she apologizes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
I turn over and pull my shirt up. It’s embarrassing, but I’m not wearing panties because the fabric against my skin is painful.
“This one doesn’t look infected. It should feel better in a few days. I’m going to prescribe an extra antibiotic ointment, but I don’t have that on me. You’ll need to pick it up from the pharmacy.”
She leaves, but the other lady stays.
“I’d like to talk to you for a little bit if that’s okay. We can stop or pause whenever you need. You’re in control. Is it okay to talk?”
I nod as I take a deep breath and release it slowly.
“Let’s talk about how you’re feeling right now. Emotionally.”
Staring down at the blanket on the bed, I avoid her gaze, the shame overwhelming me.
“It’s my fault. I left with him willingly.”
Crossing her legs she sits back in the chair, her voice calm and reassuring.
“It makes sense for you to feel that way but did you truly go with him willingly? He had a gun, and was prepared to shoot the men you love if you didn’t go with him. You made the best choice you could in a terrifying moment. This is not your fault. There is nothing you did to deserve this.”
I close my eyes, thinking back to that moment. Sitting between my men, spotting the gun pointed at Carter and then Knox. Sheer terror traveling through my body, not for me but for my men. I had to do anything to save them including turning myself over to an evil monster.
My body trembles, sweat forms on my brow as her voice breaks through.
“Let’s pause for a moment. Can you open your eyes and focus on the present? You are safe.”
I blink my eyes open and glance around the room, doing my best to do as she said. My breaths are shaky but eventually they calm.
“I keep trying to think of how I could’ve prevented us all from getting killed without allowing him to take me.”
She nods in understanding as she crosses one leg over the other.
“I’d like to give you a few affirmations to work on daily. Can you try repeating after me?”
I hate affirmations. When I was in Wellard Asylum, the first person in the room beside me, said them constantly. It was annoying.
“I will try.”
Her lips lift into a soft smile.
“How I was treated is not my fault, the shame is not mine to carry. My needs, feelings and emotions are valid. It was not my fault.”
I swallow hard, the words difficult to speak.
“How I was treated is not my fault, the shame is not mine to carry. My needs, feelings and emotions are valid. It was not my fault.”
“It’s normal to feel strange when you first repeat affirmations but they are helpful. They can help reframe negative thoughts and reduce stress. If you feel yourself slipping into a flashback, an affirmation may help you stay in the present.”
Opening her briefcase, she pulls out a notebook and pen.
“It will be helpful if you write down things that happened and your feelings that go along with them. It might be difficult in the beginning, but it’ll get easier.”
As soon as she leaves Knox, Killian and Carter come in. They walk slowly, almost as if they’re afraid of me.
“Please don’t be weird with me now. I’m still me. Kind of.”
Killian twists his hands, and I can see how uncomfortable he is. He’s struggling with being careful not to say the wrong thing.
Patting the bed, I say, “Come here, Kill.”
He sits on the bed, and I glance at the other two looking like lost puppies and laugh.
“Yes. You too.”
I know this has been hard on them. Finding me the way they did was traumatic, and me asking them to leave probably caused them to be unsure about things.
“I’m okay. It’s going to take some time, but I’ll get back to normal.”
Grabbing Knox’s hand, I place it on the bed beside me, over the blanket, before putting a hand on top of Carter’s and the other on Killian’s.
“So what’s the plan? Kill people and then run away to a tropical island?”
I look at Carter and his expression is serious.
“It rains a lot in tropical places. Seventy to one hundred inches a year, typically.”
I squeeze his hand and gaze at him. I would never choose between them because I love all of my men for who they are. Carter is the only one who understands what I’ve been through. We are trauma bonded in a way I will never be with Knox and Killian.
“I just want to be with all three of you. Everyday for the rest of my life. I’d give up the sun for you because even in the dark, there’s light as long as you’re near.”
He shakes his head, appearing to disagree with me.
“No, Little Heathen. We will make sure you have the sun and anything else your heart desires.”