Chapter 13
Chapter
Thirteen
R am handed Kade a bottle of water as he eased back onto the couch next to him. He had made Kade pause his story so he could make sure his boy was drinking more than just coffee. “So what happened?”
Kade shrugged. “An infection set in, in the wound in his arm, and Keegan was close to becoming septic. I’d seen Doc work on soldiers in battle before so I tried to do everything I could to make him comfortable. I’m not exactly sure how long this was before Saint found me, I don’t remember much of what happened after I was blinded. It’s my fault my men are dead.”
Ram caressed Kade’s neck. “No, baby, I don’t believe that.”
Kade’s jaw worked as he clenched his teeth. “I lost my temper at one of the guards, the guard threw what I can only guess was acid in my face. The next thing I knew I was in the hole. It was this man-made hole in the ground about fifteen feet deep and only around three feet wide. When we’d be tossed down there, they would also toss spiders and fire ants. I’m not sure what kind of spiders they were. I can only guess at either black widows or brown recluses, or something similar. They apparently bred them and would use them to get a prisoner to talk. They would let it bite and let the prisoner suffer, then give them medicine. They did it over and over again.”
“Is that what happened to your men?” Ram wondered, keeping his hands on Kade so he didn’t get lost in the past. “I also want you to know you can talk about anything with me. I want to know everything about you, but I’ll be patient and wait until you’re ready.”
Kade shook his head, squeezing Ram’s hand in thanks. “I don’t know for sure. When I was tossed in the hole, they kicked dirt and sand on top of me. Pain made time move slowly so I don’t know how long it was before they started to drop the bodies in with me. My eyes hurt so much it made it hard for me to grasp the world around me but the hole was small enough that you would know when something else was tossed down there with you.”
“All your men?” Ram asked, heartbroken for his boy. He couldn’t imagine what had gone through Kade’s mind at that moment.
Kade shook his head. “No, I think only two of them were tossed down with me.”
“I’m sorry, baby,” Ram said softly, his voice raspy and broken. God his boy was so fucking strong. He was so proud of him and proud to call him his.
“I think they thought if they killed my men it would break me,” Kade said softly.
“They were wrong,” Ram said immediately.
Kade sighed. “No, Batty. They were right.”
Ram sat in silence as he held his boy, letting Kade process all the emotions running through his mind. He would have betted his entire yearly salary that this was the first time Kade had ever told anyone what had really happened. While he was a little worried that Kade seemed a little too deadpan about the whole thing he also knew people processed things in different ways.
“You promised me a movie,” Kade murmured as he wiggled closer to Ram on the couch.
“I did, didn’t I? What would you like to watch?” Ram asked, knowing damn well he’d pay more attention to Kade than he would the TV screen. He wanted to see Kade smile again, a real genuine smile, not the fake one he’d perfected over the years.
“I don’t really care as long as it’s got some action in it,” Kade mumbled. He really didn’t care, he just wanted to be able to spend some time with Ram without having to think about the past. He wanted to stay in Ram’s arms for a while, but he still felt a little weird about just flat out asking the man to hold him.
Ram flipped through the channels before finally settling on The Fifth Element. It had been one of the first movies he’d ever seen when he’d left the Amish and it would always hold a special place in his heart.
Kade chuckled tiredly. “Love this movie.” He could vividly remember the movie. It had been one of his men’s favorites and they had played it on a loop when they had down time when they were deployed.
“It’s one of the best isn’t it?” Ram asked, chuckling as he settled back letting Kade use him as a pillow as his boy got comfortable. He’d give Kade the time he needed to be able to tell him everything that had happened to him in captivity, he’d wait forever if he needed to.
After the movie Ram eased off the couch to grab more water. “Alright, one more and then I’ll fix lunch.”
Kade grunted, refusing to move from his spot sprawled across the couch.
“What do you want to watch?” Ram asked, gently lifting Kade’s head to sit down, then resting it on his thigh.
“Scooby-Doo: Where’s my Mummy,” Kade mumbled, as he snuggled back into Ram’s warmth.
Ram chuckled, pulling it up on the TV before pressing play, and enjoying the feeling of Kade’s body next to his. He was learning so many new things about his boy and it was painting a picture of a man who’d been tossed aside too many times in his life. Of someone who’d never got to enjoy the little things in life. He kissed Kade’s temple and settled back to watch the movie, pulling Kade in closer. He really loved the feel of that strong body against his. He eased up as the credits rolled, letting Kade curl up on the couch as he headed to the kitchen to fix them some lunch. “Anything specific you want?”
“Pizza,” Kade said through a yawn. He’d barely made it through the movie, but he really wanted to spend time with Ram. If only he could stop falling asleep. He felt grumpy and like he wanted to whine and stomp his foot in frustration.
Ram paused, looking back at Kade before he grinned. It seemed his Little Britches was back to say hello. “Pizza it is. What kind of toppings do you want?”
“Cheese and pepperoni.” Kade’s voice said in that duh tone most kids have mastered before they turn three. Anything else on his pizza was an abomination.
Ram chuckled. “You got it, baby. You take a nap, I’ll wake you up when it’s done.” He knew Kade had been fighting sleep the whole way through the movie and while he knew his boy didn’t understand why he was so tired, Ram took it as a good thing. He felt so safe with him that his defenses were down and his body was taking what it needed whether he wanted it to or not.
Kade mumbled an affirmative as he pulled one of the pillows close and shoved his face under it. He’d take a five minute nap and then he’d get up and hopefully be able to grope his Daddy some, because who the hell wouldn’t want to grope the fucking Adonis in his kitchen.
Ram grinned the entire time he set about making his boy pizza. Thanking his mother for going against his father’s commands and teaching him how to cook when his father was away. He’d enjoyed having that time with his mother, it had started with him on a stool to soon towering over her as she tried to teach him to be gentle with his massive hands. It was only because of his mother that he was able to be a good man, if she hadn’t fought his father tooth and nail for him there was no telling how he would have ended up or if he’d even still be alive. He shook his head at his thoughts as he smashed the dough out into the shape he wanted. Fuck store bought pizzas, his boy deserved the real thing. As soon as the oven beeped telling him the pizza was done he moved it to the stove top to let it cool a little before he moved towards Kade. “Hey baby, the pizza’s done.” He gently brushed a hand over Kade’s forehead to brush back his hair.
Kade grunted, swatting at Ram’s hand as he tried to roll deeper into the couch. His five minutes weren’t up yet, they couldn’t be he’d just closed his fucking eyes.
Ram snickered. “Come on baby, I made you some pizza. I’m going to eat it all by myself,” he taunted. He rubbed Kade’s back, smiling when the man arched into his touch.
Kade’s blazing milky white eyes looked dead center into his. “I know where you sleep.”
Ram grinned. Don’t tease Kade about pizza. Noted. “Then come on.” He smacked Kade’s thigh. “It’s going to get cold if we wait too long.”
Kade moaned like he was dying as he pulled himself up from the couch, and shuffled his way to the kitchen, grumbling under his breath the whole way.
Ram pulled some plates down and put three pieces on Kade’s plate before setting it in front of him at the island. “I put three pieces on your plate.”
Kade’s hands immediately found the plate and he dug in. “Thank you,” he mumbled around a mouthful of food.
Ram smiled softly at his boy. “You’re welcome, baby.” Holy shit his Daddy could make a good fucking pizza. Warm rich sauce and creamy cheese, and perfect crunchy pepperoni’s. God he loved the man.
After they finished eating both were sprawled out on the couch like slugs. Ram had ended up making another pizza which they had devoured the same as the first.
“Will you tell me about your life?” Kade asked softly. He pressed his face into Ram’s chest and inhaled, he loved the man’s woodsy scent, it always seemed to ease his anxiety.
“Of course, baby. What do you want to know?” Ram moved even closer to Kade so their shoulders brushed as they breathed. He raked his fingers through Kade’s hair as his boy breathed him in.
“Your parents? Siblings? What it was like to grow up Amish?” Kade shrugged, he didn’t really have any specific questions that he could think of at the moment. He just wanted to know more about the man.
“I love my mother dearly, my father…” He sighed. “We have a mutual hate for each other. Bram and Beth are my only siblings, my mother had trouble conceiving after us and Beth is special. She’s stunted and even now has the mind of a child. Mom didn’t have her until Bram and I were fourteen so we never really got to know her before we left. As for growing up Amish it wasn’t fun. We lived in an old order Amish community that followed the more strict rules. We couldn’t have phones, our pictures taken, anything they considered of the world was not allowed. We worked from sun up to sun down everyday, and since it was just me and Bram that could work and not a whole school of kids we had a shit ton more chores we had to complete.”
Kade’s brow furrowed. “How’d you get out?” That sounded like hell, not the working part per se but the not really having anything. He loved doing hard labor but to be forced to do it day in and day out would get old fast.
“Most old order Amish communities don’t allow Rumspringa, but it was something that the bishop decided to allow because he was trying to bring the community into more modern thinking. I had already decided I wouldn’t return to the community, by that point I already knew I was gay and I didn’t want anything to come back to my family. I told my mother, I know I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t have her thinking it was anything to do with her, why I was not coming back. At first I was going back because so was Bram and I didn’t know how I could make it in this world without my brother.” His eyes flooded with moisture as he thought about it. It had been him and Bram since the beginning, they had been womb mates and had been near each other all their lives. When Bram had had a heart attack several months ago he’d been convinced he was going to follow his brother to the grave. He could feel everything his brother did. Not only the pain but the guilt, and sadness for putting his wife through something he’d had no control over, had worn his brother down.
“What happened?” Kade asked softly, grabbing Ram’s hand and holding tight. He could feel Ram’s pain, like it was a living breathing thing that was hurting his man and he was at a loss on what he could do to help him. He’d love to rip out Ram’s demons and beat them, but until he learned how to do that he was at a loss.
“My father overheard our conversation, the part about me being gay not me leaving thank God.” Ram huffed. He would have been in total shit had his father known he was leaving for good.
Kade’s brow’s furrowed. “What do you mean?”
“He wouldn’t have let me go had he known I wouldn’t return. While most of the parents trusted their kids to make the right decision and come back to live their lives for God, had my father had any idea I wasn’t planning to return he would have kept me from going,” Ram said softly, placing his forehead on one of Kade’s powerful shoulders.
“What did he do?” Kade asked, softly. He was almost afraid to hear the answer. He couldn’t imagine anyone hurting his tender hearted Daddy.
Ram sighed, “Kicked my ass.” He sighed again sitting back up. “I don’t know why, but my father has always hated me. He loved Bram so it makes no sense but him finding out I was gay was his reasoning to finally lash out at me. My mother, while she may have been a small woman, she had fourteen brothers who loved her dearly and always kept my father in line, so he’d never laid a hand on her that I know of. She was the barrier between me and him.”
“Why did she marry him?” Kade asked, confused. He couldn’t imagine ever being with someone he hated like that. He rolled his eyes, yeah because he hadn’t stayed with Devin.
“It was a marriage made by the two families. Our families were the founders of that community. The two families originated in Nebraska and moved to Texas during my grandparents’ generation,” Ram explained.
Kade nodded. “Okay, that makes sense. So what happened after?” He didn’t want to push if Ram didn’t want to answer, but he was dying to know more about the man than just the stories and things he’d heard from other people.
Ram sighed. “I don’t remember much, but he dragged me down the main road towards the church where the bishop lived. I remember my mother screaming at him to release me. She was chasing him, hitting and kicking him. I’d never heard my sweet delicate mother use the kind of language she screamed at him the whole way.” He chuckled just remembering it. He wasn’t the only one who’d been injured, his father’s face and most of his back and torso along with his thighs and legs had been covered in scrapes and bruises when his mother was done with him. She’d also kicked him out of the house and made him sleep in the barn until Ram and Bram had left.
Kade ran his fingers through Ram’s hair. His Daddy was shaking while he relived the horrors of what happened to him. He felt bad for pushing, but he also knew Ram would stop if he ever got to the point where he couldn’t continue.
“After his fists were done he grabbed a leather strap from the wall in the church, it was used to keep the younger kids in line. I’m not really sure what happened but Bram pulled our father off and the bishop actually ended up shunning my father for his behavior. The bishop was a good man, I won’t lie, and he always tried to keep the peace.” Ram shook his head.
“I’m so sorry, Ram,” Kade said softly, kissing Ram’s shoulder.
“Thank you, baby. Afterwards my mother stitched me up, and we left for Rumspringa a week later. Even though Bram is seven minutes younger than me, he became extremely protective over me.” Ram smiled softly, remembering the way Bram acted afterwards, not letting anyone near his older brother. “He still loves our father, and in turn that makes him hate himself because of what he did to me, but I understand it. He’s our father whether I like that fact or not. Bram always had a better relationship with him than I did, and my mom made up for that by showering me with the love of two parents. She never neglected Bram or anything but she knew I needed more than he did.”
“What happened on Rumspringa?” Kade asked, softly.
Ram grinned. “We stayed with this nice English family who had two kids about our age. When we decided to stay and not go home they legally adopted us so we could get social security cards and get our GEDs.”
“How old were you?” Kade interrupted. “You were adopted? What happened to the family?”
Ram chuckled. “Sixteen. We went to a high school party about a week and a half after we settled into the house. That’s where Bram met Sanem and the rest is history. Sanem got pregnant shortly after that party.”
Kade snorted. “Damn, Bram works fast.”
Ram laughed. “No, that was more of a ‘we had no idea what condoms were or what the fuck sex was like’. All we had seen up to that point was animals mating.”
Kade barked out a laugh. “Oh my God. I can just imagine Sanem being all like ‘damn I ain’t no heifer Bram’.” Kade wheezed as he laughed.
Ram shook with his laughter. “Yes we were adopted, our birth last name was Yoder and we changed it to Willis. The family moved to New York when I was in college, and fuck you.”
Kade just continued to laugh.
Ram rolled his eyes shoving Kade off the couch, where he heard a thump and more laughter. Ram chuckled, he was really happy to hear Kade’s laughter. His boy rarely made that noise and his joy made Ram feel like he was ten feet tall.
When Kade was able to get a hold of himself, he crawled back onto the couch stumbling over Ram as he did. “Do you still have contact with your mom?”
Ram smiled. “Yeah, about once a year we meet up near the community. There’s a little park with a wooded area that has a clear spot in the middle that we meet at.”
Kade smiled. “Really? I’m glad you still get to see her.” He had a feeling Ram would have been a different man had he not still had contact with his mother. He could tell she had been a big anchor keeping Ram’s humanity intact.
Ram swallowed hard. “The next meeting is actually two days from now.” He’d forgotten to bring it up earlier, he tried not to think about it too much otherwise he would get anxious waiting until the moment he could see her again. Now that he had Kade, he’d been distracted and happier than he’d been in years.
“Really? Is that a special date or something?” Kade asked, confused. This was the first time he was hearing of this so he was a little thrown by it, since Ram had wanted to spend the whole week together.
“Yeah, mine and Bram’s birthday.” Ram shrugged, they’d never celebrated their birthdays until they’d left the Amish, but Ram was still uncomfortable going through a whole day to just celebrate his birth, when he’d had many thoughts about not being here. “Didn’t feel like it was worth celebrating, after the mess I grew up in.”
Kade froze. “Seriously?” His brow’s furrowed. “Were you going to tell me your birthday was coming up?” He tried to keep his tone even and not accusatory, he could see Ram’s point of view a little but the whole birthday thing went along with getting to know everything about the man.
Ram’s brow’s rose. “Uh… I can’t honestly say yes or no to that. We never celebrated our birthdays growing up so I only know the date because that’s when I’ll see my mom. I didn’t mean anything by it baby, it’s just not something I think of very often.”
“You don’t celebrate?” Kade asked, looking shocked.
“No, do you?” Ram asked. “It wasn’t allowed when I was younger, it was seen as vain and how it was supposed to be all about God not us.”
Kade shook his head. “My older brother used to sneak me candy on my birthday but that was all we could do, but some of my favorite memories with him are when we had the house to ourselves.”
Ram pulled Kade into his arms, Kade’s back against his front. “Tell me about him.”
“My brother?” Kade asked, his eyebrow raising with his small smile.
“Yeah, I can tell you miss him,” Ram said softly, brushing a kiss against Kade’s cheek.
Kade nodded. “I do… so much. Most of the time growing up it was just me and him. Our parents either worked or were high or drunk. Carnage was five years older than me and he took those years very seriously. He raised me, he would make sure I ate even if that meant he would go hungry, he would always protect me when our father would get angry. Whenever our parents would get paid he’d go cash the check before they could waste it on booze, he made sure the bills were paid. He worked under the table for one of the little mom-and-pop shops in our town, stocking things at night and cleaning. He would take me with him so I wouldn’t be left alone with our parents. Carnage wouldn’t take a handout no matter what, he worked hard for everything we needed.” Kade sighed deeply. “The plan was to wait until he was eighteen and he would take me and run, we had what we needed at that point and Carnage kept our parents off me for the most part so he didn’t want to cause problems until he was legally free. He was afraid that if we ran before he turned eighteen, and we got caught they’d take me away and he’d never be able to see me again.”
“But that never happened,” Ram stated. He knew bits and pieces of the story and while he hated to make Kade take a trip down memory lane when all those memories did nothing but cause him pain, he wanted to get everything out in the open so they could start building new and happier memories.
“No, my parents got behind on paying for the drugs they were using and the Cartel came knocking. They tossed my mom around a bit and beat my father, to get them to stop hurting my mom my father offered me up. Carnage lost his shit, he’d come home to find the mess. He attacked anyone who got near me and the guy in charge… fuck I can’t even remember his name at this point, said that he would take both of us.” He sucked in a deep breath. He could remember that day like it was a movie playing in his mind. The blood everywhere. The smell of stale sweat, blood and fear still made him queasy. The way the breeze from the opened door kicked up all the dust. He could remember Carnage shouldering his way through the front door when he’d noticed something was off after coming home from running to the store. Kade had wanted to stay home, he’d had a headache and hadn’t wanted to leave. He’d forever feel guilty for that night. Had he just sucked it up, Carnage could have just gotten them away from the agony they endured.
“So they took you?” Ram tried to keep himself calm. Just the image of a little Kade being taken from his home, made his blood boil.
Kade nodded. “Yeah. For the most part, at first at least, all we did was clean up after them like maids. Carnage was used to rough up some people because he was so protective they would use me as collateral. They’d toss me into a room with all these men and tell him he had X amount of time to complete the task, or he could come back and take what was left of me when they were done.”
Ram’s arms tightened around Kade’s chest.
“Relax, Carnage always made it back on time,” Kade soothed. “While it did terrify the shit out of me every time it happened. Even at that age I trusted my brother to save me.”
“That’s still fucked up, Kade,” Ram groused. While he was glad Kade seemed to be handling it alright that was just more trauma that was piled on his boy’s already crowded shoulders. Losing his brother had been a massive blow for Kade, and Ram knew it still bothered him to this day. The fact that Kade had been looking for his brother for over two decades told him just how much Kade still suffered not knowing what had happened.
“Oh, I know. Even though I was only eight years old I paid attention. There was one guy that would always talk about shit he shouldn’t have, and he was their downfall. There was a brutal fight between the ranks one night and while everyone was distracted Carnage told me to run. He pushed me out of a tiny window in the bathroom, he couldn’t come with me because he couldn’t fit. He promised me he would meet me at the fence in twenty minutes, but that if he was late I needed to run and get help. He never came, so I ran and ran… God I don’t even know how long I ran, I just know I was so tired and so fucking cold by the time I made it to the police station. Thankfully there was a cop there who listened to what I had to say and didn’t just brush it off as a child’s tall tale, but he wasn’t able to stop them from sending me back home. His partner was the asshole cop and the one that believed me was young, so he didn’t have much say in the matter. They were able to raid the warehouse where we were kept, but by the time they got there Carnage was nowhere to be found. He’s still missing to this day.” He swallowed hard and gave a bitter laugh. “The cop tried to warn me that the Cartel was good at hiding bodies and that I needed to prepare myself to never see him again. He’s my brother Ram, I won’t ever stop looking for him until I know what happened.”
“I’m so sorry, baby,” Ram said, hugging Kade and hoping the feeling of him holding him was helping Kade process what he was feeling.
“After that they sent me back to my parents, they spun this story about how those men just came in and beat them and took their boys. There was no proof at that point to not believe them. When I was seventeen I sent in all the proof I had, I’d forged my mom’s signature and signed the papers so I could join the military and I never looked back. From what I can gather my mother got pregnant when they were out on bail and when they were convicted she had Siren and Savage in prison. I have no idea who raised them or what happened to them.” He sniffled trying to hold back his tears but failing miserably. “I have no idea where any of my siblings are except Siren. I always wanted a little sister, did I tell you that?” He played with Ram’s fingers as he spoke. Linking and unlinking his own as he traced the tips of his across Ram’s palms, learning the shape and all the calluses he could to help him focus. Like his very own fidget toy.
Ram hummed, not bothering to answer as Kade was on a roll.
“I wanted someone I could protect the way Carnage protected me, so that I could make sure his memory and his spirit could stay alive. He deserved that Ram. So much, he was such a good man and I loved him more than anything in this world,” he said on a sob. The gut wrenching pain in his heart at the thought of his brother was one of the quickest ways to bring him to his knees. He’d do or give up anything if it meant he could have his brother back even for just a moment so he could tell him how much he loved him.
Ram turned Kade and hauled him back into his arms. He would hold his boy tight and from now on he would protect him, just like his brother. His neck immediately became wet with Kade’s tears as he wept. Ram didn’t say a word. Just let Kade get it all out. There was nothing he could say at this point that would be of any help to Kade. He knew his boy was hurting, a pain so deep rooted it affected what the man Kade had become. He went out of his way to protect and care for anyone he could, whether they needed it or not. Kade’s men were a good example. He’d seen some files in Kade’s office one day and had read them, it had been an onboarding package for a new employee. Not only was Kade paying a shit ton to his people he also covered insurance, medical, vision and copays, along with a stipend for gas, and food while on jobs. Ram had been very tempted to ask Kade if he had an opening.