Chapter 32
Chapter
Thirty-Two
“ Y ou’re sure you’re okay?” Savage asked uneasily, as Kade flopped on the couch in his apartment. He’d come by to see them as Ram had gone to take care of some last minute thing at work.
Kade groaned as his aching body settled into the couch. He looked at the blurry concerned faces of his brothers. “Yeah, I’m fine. It just takes a lot out of me to do things like I used to.” He sighed. “How’re you settling in?”
Savage nodded, smiling happily. “It’s awesome, thank you so much for this, Kade.”
Kade met Carnage’s blank gaze. His older brother wasn’t much of a talker and he would never hold it against the man. He did want Doc to have a look at him to see if the brain damage would be permanent or if there was some kind of therapy that would help. “I’m glad it’s working out for you.”
“Are you going to come back?” Savage asked.
Kade shrugged. “I don’t know, Ram has asked me to move in with him.”
Carnage cocked his head. “You want?”
Kade nodded. “I basically live with him anyway, most of my stuff is at his place. I love him so I do want to be with him most of the time.”
Savage grinned wickedly at Kade. “You two are really adorable. It’s kind of cute the way he dotes on you.”
Kade rolled his eyes. If he only knew how much. “Yeah, he’s always been extremely protective of those he cares about.”
“He seems nice. How did y’all meet?” Savage asked, sitting on the couch next to Kade while Carnage sat in the recliner.
Kade pursed his lips. “Technically, I met him years ago. When I was deployed overseas, Saint would FaceTime his family a lot. Ram is his uncle and that’s how we originally met, but it wasn’t until I helped Saint with a case having to do with his brother that we really started to interact with each other.”
“Is Saint the one that’s always eating?”
Kade snorted. “Yeah he is. I don’t know how he does it and doesn’t gain any weight.”
Savage smiled. “He seems like a fun guy.”
Kade nodded through a yawn. “He is, and he’s loyal to the end. Saint’s just got a lot of energy. He’s definitely a wild card.” He checked his watch and noticed it was getting closer to time for Ram to pick him up for dinner. “When y’all are free I need to have you meet with my lawyer.”
“Why?” Carnage demanded.
Kade stared at his brother. He couldn’t read the man in front of him and sometimes it worried him. “Because I need to put you on the account that our grandmother left for us and to the deed to the farm.”
Carnage sat forward, his eyes sparking with some emotion. “Still there?”
Kade nodded. “Yeah it’s still there, and I’ve had it taken care of since she passed away.”
Savage looked back and forth between them. “Who?”
Kade smiled softly. “Our grandmother. She used to have a farm in South Dakota that we went to all the time. It was our home away from home and we never wanted to leave.” Kade took a deep breath. “Our grandmother was a strong woman and she was the light at the end of the tunnel for me at least.”
“Yes,” Carnage said in agreement.
“I have no idea how our parents treated you and Siren growing up,” Kade started, “but when the drug use got worse we were basically on our own and our grandmother was the only one we could rely on.”
Savage shrugged. “We were in and out of foster care a lot. They would get out on parole or out on good behavior, we’d go back and within a month or two they were back in. I know when they finally got someone to testify about all the evidence you found on them they went back for life.”
Kade shook his head. “I have no idea why they let them out in the first place. Were your families good to you?”
Savage shrugged and sucked his teeth. “Most were, we had a few that had other kids that didn’t like us, but we mainly stayed to ourselves. Most of the families were concerned with how close me and Siren were, we always slept in the same room, whether they allowed it or not. The last place we went was to an older retired teacher. She was sweet and kind to us. She treated us like she actually wanted us there and didn’t try to say weird shit about me and Siren.” He nodded. “I don’t know what would have happened if we hadn’t met her. She allowed us to stay until we aged out and even a little bit after until she had to go to a nursing home. She passed away last year.”
Kade patted his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Savage. It’s hard to explain what kind of damage losses like you’ve experienced will do to you, but I have a friend, his name is Justice. We served together and he’s now a psychologist. I’ve been going to him for years and he’s really helped me to come to terms and process the things I’ve gone through. If you’re interested.” He looked at Carnage. “You too, he’ll see what he can do to help you as well.”
Savage’s eyes narrowed. “Does it actually work?”
Kade nodded. “I believe so. It’s hard and it’s painful. You literally just rip those scabs off and try to piece yourself back together with those pieces missing. You’ll never be the same again, but you can find happiness in this life if you work for it.” He assured his younger brother. “Losing Siren will eat you from the inside out if you let it rest, Savage. I’m not saying you have to talk to him, I just hope you will. I want to see you live a life that would make her happy.”
Savage nodded, swallowing hard.
Kade turned to Carnage. “I can’t even begin to imagine what happened to you, the things you saw.” Kade shook his head. “I want my brother back,” he told Carnage firmly. “I’m not saying let go of whatever happened. I know you have to hang on to that anger, but I want to see you start to enjoy life again. You don’t look like someone who is enjoying being alive and I want to make sure you know I want you here and I’m willing to do whatever I can to help you.” He could see some of the old Carnage in his brother’s eyes, but the darkness was overshadowing most of it.
Carnage nodded and sat back.
Kade took that as agreement and smiled. “I can set up an appointment for you if you’d like or I can just have him over for dinner and you can get a feel for him.”
Savage nodded as he worried his bottom lip with his fingers. “Do you mind if I think about it?”
Kade smiled softly at his younger brother. “Take all the time you need. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” He looked over and smiled as Ram entered the apartment. “Hey.”
Ram grinned at him. “Hey, baby.” He leaned down and kissed Kade’s cheek. “You ready for dinner?”
Kade stood. “Yup, you guys wanna join us?”
Savage excitedly looked at Carnage who grumbled but nodded.
Kade snickered. “If you want to stay here that’s fine I can bring you back something.”
Carnage shook his head as he moved towards the door. “I go.”
Kade held his hands up in supplication. “Alright, let’s go.”
Ram and Kade sat across from Carnage and Savage at The Diner and waited on Sugar to bring their drinks.
“How’s the apartment working out for you?” Ram asked.
Savage grinned. “It’s awesome. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a space just for us.”
Ram grinned at him. “I’m glad it’s going well. How’d you enjoy working with Owen?”
Savage nodded quickly. “It was awesome, those puppies were so cute.” His brightness dimmed a little. “Siren would have loved each and every one of them.”
Ram cocked his head and stared at the younger man. While he may seem okay on the surface Ram could see the emotions buried deep down. “Have you ever thought about getting a dog?”
Kade snorted and shook his head. “Here we go,” he muttered and snickered at his brother’s confused faces. “He thinks everyone needs a dog.”
Ram raised a brow. “Are you saying Valk didn’t help you?”
Kade rolled his eyes. “Touché.”
“Valk is the big dog with the missing leg right?” Savage asked as he stared excitedly at his plate when Sugar placed it in front of him.
“Yeah. He’s my service dog… or at least he was until he got hurt,” Kade said softly as he pushed his food around his plate with his fork.
“He’ll always be your companion Kade, his injuries won’t take that away from you.” Ram assured him, placing a hand on his thigh to halt his shaking leg.
“How’d he get hurt?” Savage asked, softly. He could see the subject hurt Kade a lot.
“He took a bullet for me,” Kade said to his plate, as the sounds played back through his mind.
Ram could see both of the brothers freeze and look at Kade, who shook his head and shoved a forkful into his mouth.
“I’m sorry, did you just say a bullet?” Savage demanded.
Kade sighed deeply. “Yeah, had a crazy ex who got into bed with some terrorists and he kidnapped me and shot Valk when he tried to protect me. He wanted the money our grandmother left me.” Kade shrugged. “He assumed if anything happened to me he would get it. When he found out Ram and Saint are my beneficiaries he thought threatening my life would make me sign it over. News flash - it didn’t.”
Savage nodded slowly, his eyes wide as he stared at his older brother. “Good to know,” he mumbled.
Carnage didn’t say anything and just stared at Kade for a few moments longer before he went back to silently eating his food.
Ram took a sip of his drink and tried not to laugh. He’d noticed Carnage’s silence didn’t seem to bother his boy and he wondered if the man had always been that way.
After they had finished eating and Kade made sure his brothers had ordered another meal to take home, Ram dropped them off.
“Thanks for dinner, Kade. It was nice to spend some time with you,” Savage said, smiling sheepishly.
Kade hugged him tight. “You too little brother and I can’t wait to spend some more time together and get to know each other better.”
Savage grinned. “I’d like that.” He ran inside.
Kade turned to Carnage who just stood staring at him. He rolled his eyes. “I’d like to spend more time with you too.” Carnage gave him a small smile and Kade wanted to shout for joy. He pulled his brother into a tight hug. His arms felt the same, the same strength that used to hold him up when he had none left. He’d missed his brother so damn much. The tears came fast and hot and he didn’t even give a shit that he was soaking Carnage’s shirt. “I have missed you,” he whispered, brokenly.
Carnage just pulled him in closer. Knowing his baby brother was in pain was like a hit to the gut. He’d always done what he could to protect Kade, and to know he’d caused this kind of pain made him want to flay his own skin in apology. “Me too.” He got out past clenched teeth.
Kade pulled back and wiped his eyes. “Get some sleep, you look like shit.” He laughed at Carnage’s eyeroll and dodged the smacking hand. “I’ll see you later. Call me if you need anything.” At Carnage’s nod he hopped back in the truck.
Ram waited until Carnage had gone inside before he pulled away. “Are you okay, baby?” he asked softly, grabbing Kade’s hand and kissing it.
“Yeah, it’s just a lot to take in. I had convinced myself that I would never see him again. Now here he is and I’m terrified it’s all a dream and I’m going to wake up and he’ll be gone.”
Ram hummed in sympathy. “I promise I’ll remind you in the morning. I don’t think he’s going anywhere at this point. I am a little worried about his lack of reactions though.”
Kade sighed. “It’s not that unusual for him, he’s always been the silent type. The brain damage makes things worse. I’m going to see if Doc can run some tests on him and see if it can be helped with therapy or what can be done.”
“He’d probably be the best place to start,” Ram agreed.
“I’ve already asked them both to make an appointment with Justice. I want Savage to have someone to talk to about losing Siren. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now and it worries me a little, that he’s just trying to force himself to be happy when he’s not. I have no doubt he’s happy to be with me and Carnage but I also want him to grieve for what he’s lost. I don’t want him to just shove her into a box in the back of his mind and wonder down the road why things never got better.”
Ram nodded. “I’m hoping working with Owen will help him too, maybe he can even get his own service dog in time,” Ram said as he pulled into the driveway to the farm, and up to his little slice of heaven.
Kade nodded. “I also want Carnage to get some help, and I think he’ll respect Justice’s way of going about things versus someone else. I know he won’t really talk to Justice like normal people would but Justice is very good about reading between the lines.”
Ram snorted. “I would imagine he would have to be.”
Kade grinned as they made their way inside. “He’s got this knack for basically reading your mind even when you don’t want him to.”
Ram chuckled. “I’m sure he’s perfected that over the years.”
Kade nodded emphatically. “Oh, yeah.”
“Do you want to watch a movie before bed?” Ram asked as he put their leftovers in the fridge.
“Yeah,” Kade sighed as he flopped on the couch and grabbed the remote. “What are you in the mood for?”
Ram shrugged as he sat next to Kade. “Doesn’t really matter to me, so you can pick something.”
“Cool.” Kade scrolled through the options and settled on the discovery channel that Ram had on his Roku. He clicked on the show Expedition X and sat back to learn some random facts.
Ram snickered as he stretched out and pulled Kade on top of him.
Kade settled on Ram and laid his head on his chest to see the TV best and tried not to immediately fall asleep, to no avail.
Kade came awake slowly and yawned as he stretched out his sore muscles. Damn that mission really fucked him up. He opened his eyes and froze, before he sat up fast and looked around. He was back in his old bunk on base. His heart started to pound as he tried to understand what was happening. Had it all been a dream? Was Ram not his? Was Carnage still missing?
“Hey, man,” a familiar voice murmured and tears immediately flooded Kade’s eyes.
“Hey, man,” he croaked.
Cho grinned at him and sat down next to him on the bunk. “It’s good to see you again, brother. I have missed you.”
Kade swallowed hard. “What is going on?”
Cho smiled sadly at him. “I’ve come to tell you goodbye, my brother.”
Kade’s brows furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
Cho smiled knowingly at him. “I’ve been hanging around, keeping an eye on you. I want to thank you for bringing us home. Me and the boys are so happy to be out of that fucking heat.” He slapped Kade on the back. “And the fucking view we have now is fantastic. Lewis said he was going to suck your dick for that.”
Kade’s snort turned into a full on laugh. “Tell him he better back off I got a man that’ll fuck him up.”
Cho knocked their shoulders together. “I know, I’ve seen the hunky piece of meat.” He smiled warmly at Kade. “I’m happy for you, man. You’ve definitely got yourself a good one with him.”
“Thank you.” Kade gripped Cho’s shoulder hard as he tried to stop the flow of tears. “I really fucking miss you man, and I’m so sorry.”
Cho smiled and shook his head. “You did nothing wrong man, those guys were hurting you and we just reacted. I don’t regret it and neither do the others.”
Kade looked around. “Where are they?”
“They’ve already moved on, they waited until after you buried us to finally go towards the light. I waited because I wanted to see you one more time and tell you thank you for giving my family the closure they needed.” Cho’s voice broke as he spoke.
“That was my last mission, Cho. I would have brought you home or died trying. I never would have left y’all there.”
Cho smiled and his eyes disappeared. They had always used to tease Cho for his asian features making his eyes be there one second gone the next. They could always tell when their brother was happy.
Kade snickered and pulled his brother into a tight hug. “I miss you so much.”
Cho patted his back. “I miss you too man, but it’s time for you to start living, don’t you think? We’ll always be a part of you and you’ll always carry us around, but I want you to realize it’s not your fault, Kade. I would have done the same damn thing for any of the others and you know they would have to. It’s time to let the past go and move forward.”
“He’s still out there.” Kade pulled back. He didn’t understand how Cho could think he would let this go when the man responsible was still out there.
“I’m not saying to let him get away, still find the bastard and make him pay. I’m saying to let go of all this guilt and anger you have built up because of losing us. We’re okay Kade, we made the choice that was best for us and we love you for all you’ve done for us. I have no idea how to thank you for taking care of my family and making my little girl see the lifelong best friend she could have in her little brother.”
Kade snorted. “She reminds me so much of you. She is a little mini version of you in personality.”
Cho laughed. “I did good with her.”
“She misses you a lot too,” Kade told him.
Cho nodded. “I know, I see her in her dreams every night and I will stay until she doesn’t need me anymore.”
“But this is where you’ll stop coming to see me,” Kade asked, softly.
Cho cocked his head and studied Kade for a moment. “You don’t need me anymore.”
Kade punched Cho in the shoulder before he could stop himself.
“Ow!” Cho screeched.
Kade stood. “How could you say that to me?” Kade demanded.
Cho shook his head sadly. “You can’t keep holding on to me, Kade.” Cho stood and moved closer to Kade. “I love you man, but it’s not healthy for you to hang onto me like you have. The guilt makes you feel like you’re not supposed to find happiness and out of all of us Kade, it was you who deserved happiness the most.” He cupped the side of Kade’s face to make him keep eye contact. “It’s time for you to let go of the past and embrace the future. If I stayed around for you it would only make it that much harder for you to let me go when the time comes.”
Kade opened his mouth but couldn’t think of what he could say. He knew Cho was right but that didn’t make it any easier to hear. “So this is goodbye then?” He tried not to let how much that hurt show.
Cho smiled at him softly. “I think it’s time, don’t you?.”
Kade sucked in a deep breath. “No, man I don’t. I miss all of you more than I know how to express, I’m never going to stop missing y’all. I will never stop thinking about you, or telling stories and whether you leave or not, I’m not gonna stop talking to you,” Kade said, his voice raspy and rough.
“Then you won’t need to see me to know I’m there,” Cho told him with a smirk. “But it’s time for me to go, my baby is about to go to bed and I need to be there for her bedtime story otherwise I’ll have a very angry princess on my hands.” Cho turned to walk away but stopped and turned back to Kade. “I love you, man.”
Kade grunted and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not feeling the love.”
Cho grinned at him. “Yes, you do. You’re just pouting. Maybe I’ll see you again someday.”
Kade growled. “You fucking better,” he shouted as Cho literally faded away.
Kade came awake with a jolt. He was being rocked back and forth and he didn’t know why he was wet.
“Shh, baby you’re okay. I’ve got you,” Ram mumbled as he held Kade close and rocked him. His boy had woken him up, crying.
“Wha…?” Kade mumbled as he pulled back and tried to orient himself.
Ram studied him closely. “Did you have a bad dream?”
Kade turned back and blinked a few times to try and get his vision a little clearer. “No, it wasn’t really a bad dream, just a sad one.” He thunked his head back down on Ram’s shoulder.
Ram cupped the back of his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Kade sniffed hard. “I saw Cho, one of the men I lost. He came to say goodbye.”
Ram’s heart broke when Kade’s bottom lip wobbled and his eyes filled with tears again. “He said it wasn’t healthy to hang on to him anymore, but what else am I supposed to do?” Kade asked, choking back a sob.
Ram just pulled him close. He had no idea what to tell Kade or how to help him. “Why don’t you let me ask Justice and see what I can find out. I don’t want to tell you something that’s not really going to help, but I’ll be honest, baby. I’m not sure how to help you through this, having never experienced it myself.”
Kade shook his head. “I don’t want to bug him.”
Ram snorted. “I’m going to tell him you said that.”
Kade grunted in displeasure and snuggled in closer to Ram. Being close to the man made him feel like he wouldn’t shatter into a million pieces. He and his men had always joked on deployment that whoever died would haunt the others until they joined them in the afterlife. While it was a stupid promise Kade had kept that thought close to his heart and that had soothed some of the ache he’d felt over the years. He didn’t know how to feel now that the others didn’t think it was a promise worth keeping, and then he felt guilty because they should move on to the afterlife, they deserved that and he felt really selfish that he was mad about it.
“Kade, a?kim, can you try and explain your feelings? I want to have at least somewhat of an idea on what you’re feeling,” Ram asked, softly kissing Kade’s cheek.
Kade sighed. “It’s stupid. When we were deployed we made a promise that if one of us died we would haunt the others until the end of their life. I didn’t think it was a joke but to know they probably did, hurts a little. Knowing they could always be around made losing them not hurt as much because I felt they were always near. Now I feel like I’m losing them all over again.”
Ram couldn’t even imagine feeling that way. To know Kade had relied on that little harmless promise like a kid does to the promise of a present sent a flash of pain through his chest. He didn’t think Kade’s men would have intentionally promised Kade something like that just to turn around and abandon him. “Did they know about your childhood?”
Kade shook his head. “No, and it was nice getting to be whoever I wanted.”
“Do you think that they may not have known how seriously you would have taken that promise?” Ram asked, gently.
Kade’s shoulders hunched in. “Probably.”
“I know this is hard for you baby, and I’m trying to understand more about it. I know you will always love and talk about them and you should. As long as they are remembered they’ll live on forever, but I don’t want this to break you. I want you to continue to try and move forward, and if they’re no longer there then look back on them fondly and with a smile. Losing someone the way you lost them is something most people never recover from. I don’t want you to forget them or just shove them in the back of the closet so to speak. I want you to know you can always talk about them with me and I promise you, Kade, I’ll sit and listen.” Ram assured him, rubbing his back as he spoke.
“Thank you,” Kade mumbled into Kade’s neck. “Can we go to bed?”
“Yeah, baby we can. Come on.” Ram tapped Kade’s thigh and helped him get up before leading him to the bedroom.
Kade paused in the doorway. “Can we…” Kade batted his eyelashes.
Ram snorted. “You never have to ask me, baby. Get in the bed and I’ll grab the supplies.” Seeing Kade hop on the bed like a kid made him smile. He hoped what he said tonight helped Kade with being able to process some of the things he was going through. He knew his boy was probably using sex as a way to forget everything and he couldn’t really get mad at him for that. He would give his boy whatever he needed. “What do you want tonight, baby?”
Kade shrugged. “I just want you to love on me and help me forget for a little while.”
“I can do that.” He helped Kade strip out of his clothes before he followed suit. He eased onto the bed and kissed up Kade’s legs, before he sucked his boy’s cock to the back of his mouth.
“Oh, shit,” Kade huffed, his back arching as the pleasure coursed through his body. The suction was just over the edge of pain and Kade groaned. “Are you trying to suck the skin off my dick?”
Ram snorted, then choked when he tried to take a breath.
Kade giggled at the sensation. “Sorry didn’t mean to try and take you out.”
Ram pulled back and coughed before he tried to catch his breath. “You’re fine. I wasn’t sucking any harder than I normally do. Maybe you’re just extra sensitive tonight.”
Kade sighed. “Maybe.”
Ram moved up and kissed Kade’s chest before he moved to his lips.
Kade sighed into the kiss. He always forgot where he was when Ram kissed him. It always made him hot under the collar and his stomach feel like it was going to drop out of his ass.
Ram caressed every inch of Kade he could until the man was writhing underneath him. He quickly prepped Kade knowing his boy wouldn’t appreciate a drawn out process, before he slid in himself all the way to the hilt.
“Yes,” Kade sighed as he arched into Ram’s thrusts. “Faster,” he demanded. He wanted Ram to fuck him into oblivion. He wanted to forget for just a while.
“As you wish.” Ram sat back on his knees and pulled Kade’s lower half into his lap. He reached up and cupped each of Kade’s shoulders before he set up a brutal pace.
Kade threw his head back and screamed. He had to hold onto Ram’s forearms or else he’d float away. The man was pile driving his prostate and he was about to blow. “Gonna come.”
Ram stopped and grabbed the base of Kade’s dick in a hard grasp. “No you’re not.”
Kade whined, his back arching as the feeling receded and tears filled his eyes. He was so close. So fucking close how could his Daddy do that to him?
“Breathe, baby.” Ram leaned down and nuzzled his face into Kade’s neck as his boy sobbed. He knew his boy was taking everything to heart, with how hurt he was about everything. He slowly started to flex his hips again as Kade calmed. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I just want to draw this out a little.”
Kade made a heaving noise as he tried to get himself under control. He wrapped his arms tightly around Ram’s neck, unwilling to let him move.
Ram slowed his pace and flipped them so Kade was on top. He caressed Kade’s back as he calmed. He didn’t want to push his boy too far, and while he enjoyed his tears sometimes it depended on what was causing them. He lifted his knees and put his feet flat to give Kade a support he could lean back on. When Kade started to roll his hips he knew he was ready. He started to thrust his hips in an easy motion, listening to Kade’s noises that told him he was doing a good job. He felt wet heat cover his stomach and chest and he let go.